Sweet Revenge

I was seething with anger last night for what happened. You see, I was still on my journey to healing a bit of a "broken heart" so practically my heart was not in a bad shape then. I needed people to give me encouragement somehow. Not that they were really a very basic need for me but you know, positive "distractions" will not hurt. So there I was, trying to mend my not-so-badly broken heart when something hateful happened.

I went to my classroom, it was 20 minutes past six p.m. already. I was of course alone but not feeling scared at all. I went there to have my last minute "fixings." As I was on my way to the faculty room, someone from the library, the library assistant greeted me. I greeted him back also mistakingly calling him "Miss." We laughed. Then the other, shorter and arrogant library assistant heard our banter and asked in Filipino who was the former talking to and exchanging jokes with. I just ignored them but their voices were loud enough, in fact echoed for me to hear when he, the gnome blurted out, "Ay!..."

Of course, that was a benign expression. If said discreetly or monotonously. But from the way that troll said it, it was quite insulting and the tone of his voice was condescending.

I know I should not have minded it anymore but you see, maybe it just added more salt to my wounds. There I was, feeling that dreaded feeling of inadequacy again, feeling that crazy "big, fat ugly duckling syndrome" and that kind of insult was never in the list of what I needed at the time. Maybe, I could have been more tolerant with it if I were feeling happy or feeling nothing at all. But man! I was in pain and that remark made it worst.

I felt I lost my equilibrium again. I felt ugly again. Still a small voice inside me is telling me that that person's opinion does not really matter. Maybe, he just misinterpreted things. Maybe he thought that I liked him. My goodness! With the kind of grammar that he has! I'd rather be by myself reading and enjoying my books.

I don't know. Here I am again. Deep inside, maybe I am rebelling against God, angry with Him that each time I would feel something for someone, or I would like someone that person would turn out liking and eyeing someone else. That sometimes, I have this question in mind, "Why has not yet anyone noticed me? Maybe I am too fat or ugly or something." And that experience last night somehow made me feel like it a cruel validation.

I know I should not be feeling this way but I do.In fact, I did not pray this morning. I just feel this anger, this feeling that I want to be bad. But yet, my conscience is still getting the best of me. I am so restless the whole day. I feel heavy until now.

I know, my appearance should not be the main thing that I should give focus on in my life. The more that I try to make myself beautiful according to this world's standards, the more I become vain. The more that I become senseless at times specially when buying products for physical aesthetic purposes. I am ashamed with God because of the way my mind and heart think. I even did some "evil" things just to compensate for my sadness and to show my rebellion.

Maybe, in hind sight, I should forgive that person. To not take his offense seriously. He may not find me physically beautiful but then at the end of the day, his opinion will not really matter. Not that he's not important. Ask his family and others who care for him and he will be. But for me, in my own life and social circle, he does not really matter.

I think, I really must come to terms with my emotions. My heart is okay now and I am not feeling heartbroken anymore. I will just accept whatever God throws my way. And again take good care of my body for health purposes.

As regards God, I am so ashamed with my attitude. I am so ashamed with the way I acted and thought. I know I upset Him again. And I am so sorry.

In the end, it is still my relationship with Him that would all matter to me.