Thinking About My Love Life

I have been preoccupied by this thing for more than a million times already. I think, all girls when they were born were already pre-wired to have this longing to be beautiful, to be noticed, be swept off their feet and be loved by their own prince charming. And I am not an exception.

As much I have wanted to ward off this thoughts of meeting the "one", having a sound and beautiful romantic relationship with him and eventually marry him and run to our own happily ever after, I fail. For almost everyday, I am bombarded by so-called "well-wishers" who wished nothing but to see me holding hands with my own someone special, receive a wedding invitation from yours truly and be informed of my joyous pregnancy after months of wedded bliss. But these things are far from reality. For until now, I haven't yet met him, let alone seen his shadow.

I also dream about him too. I also want him to become my reality not just my constant wishful thinkings and fantasies. I want to hold his hands, I want to feel him close to me, hear him say loving words that are only meant to my ears. But none. There's none, not even a phantom.

Many people who care for me (or they seem to be)keep on telling me that I get married now. That I settle down. I am already twenty-seven and it is like a mortal sin to stay single at my age. Truly, during Jane Austen's time, if you're twenty-seven and still a spinster then you're doomed to a lifetime of solitude. Girls were expected to be already taken at the age of seventeen to eighteen and if you hit your twenty's, it was high time for you to go at great lengths to be noticed, seen and to be hitched. Good thing, I did not live in that epoch or else I would have a hermit-like existence in the far mountains of the neighboring Swiss Alps.

Deep inside, I have always wanted to be with someone but I want to do it in God's timing. Yet, I am surrounded by people who keep on pressuring me to do this or that, to try this or that so as much as I am keeping my resolves strong, my foundations give away.

I am afraid. Afraid of being alone. Afraid of not becoming a wife and a mother in the future. But I am also afraid of committing mistakes. Mistakes that I would be sorry for in the long run wishing I did not marry at all. I don't know. I am not in control of these things.

God. In times like this, all I could ever look up to and give all my hope to is Him. He knows everything. He knows the things that are happening to me and those that already happened. He watched silently while I did things my own way and put things in my own hands. He just patiently watched me and looked after me until I finally realized my folly, threw in the towel and shouted at Him, "I give up!" And He just willingly took my hand again and showed me the right path to take.

I must admit, I had episodes that I compromised my beliefs, my faith and even my morals. I acted like a shameless hussy and my behaviors were far cry from that "Woman of Noble Characters" in the Book of Proverbs. Now, realizing my mistakes, I feel sorry than ever. But then, a part of me still longs to repeat that foolishness again. I am indeed in a struggle.

Thank God, He made a way to take me out of that almost gutter. My own bitchiness and immaturity saved me. I still want to communicate with that person involved but common sense now gets the best of me and holds me tightly. I am not compromising anymore. I will be trusting to Him more and more.

My emotion is really hard to control sometimes and really it fools me most of the time. Yet, I have seen a bit of transformation in me for my hold on it has become stronger by the grace of God.

I am still longing. I still feel envious of those girls already found by their own men. Yet, I know God has His own timing. Maybe not now, but later. Or sooner. I know. I am still being molded into what He wants me to be. Maybe that person is praying for a good, responsible, sensible, strong-willed yet obedient and submissive woman and God is still working in me as regards those areas. Sooner, I know our paths will cross and then we'll be happy together praising God and living His purpose for us.