Paggamit ng Aming Wika

Ako ay may biglang naisip... Aking naisip na nang simulan ko ang paggawa ng Blog na ito, puro na lamang Ingles ang wikang aking ginagamit. Nakakatawa ngunit kapag ako ay nagsusulat sa wikang yaon, hindi ako nahihirapan, pawang ang mga salita ay patuloy na dumadaloy sa aking isip at aking naititipa dito sa aking makabagong makinilya. Ngunit ngayon, ako ay pawang nahihirapan na mag-isip ng mga salitang ititipa at kahit ang aking talasalitaan ay kailangan ko pang isipin ng mabuti. Nakalulungkot sapagkat kahit ang salitang Filipino para sa "grammar" ay akin ng nakalimutan. Hindi ko kasi palagiang ginagamit. Napapanahon na marahil na ako ay magsulat muli gamit ang aking sariling wika. Oo, hindi ko kalilimutan ang Ingles ngunit hindi ito nangangahulugang ito na lamang ang aking laging gagamitin. Nakalulungkot sapagkat heto ako, nagsasabing minamahal ang aking bansa ngunit pagdating sa aking sariling wika, ako ay nangangapa. Aking nababatid na ang wikang Filipino ay hindi madaling aralin. Ito ay masalimuot hindi tulad pag Ingles ang ating inaral. Nangangailangan na sa paggamit at pagsasalita ng Filipino, nababatid ng nagsasalita nito ang konteksto ng sinasabi ng isang tao. Ito ay sa kadahilanang maaaring magkaroon ng hindi pagkakaunawaan ang dalawang taong nag-uusap. Halimbawa, kapag ikaw ay nagtanong ng "nakain ka na ba?" sa iba lalo na sa mga taga Metro Manila, ito ay nangangahulugang ikaw ay kinain o nginuya. Ikaw ay nagmistulang pagkain. Ngunit kung sa Cavite mo iyan gagamitin, ito ay nagtatanong lamang kung ikaw ba ay tapos ng kumain. Masalimuot, diba? Sa aking palagay, kailangan ko ulit magbasa at mag-aral ng wikang Filipino. Ayoko ng makain ng hindi tamang paniniwala at sistemang kapag Ingles ang ginagamit mo, ikaw ay matalino, ikaw ay mataas na uri ng tao. Na kapag Filipino ang ginagamit mo, ikaw ay hindi maalam at nakakahiya. Maganda at mabulaklak ang wikang Filipino. Kailangan ko lamang itong hasain muli sa aking isipan. Wikang Filipino, ako ay patawarin mo sapagkat ikaw ay aking napabayaan sa aking isipan. Na ako ay nahihiya sapagkat ikaw ay aking ikinahiya. Ako ay patawarin mo nang hindi kita minahal at pinahalagahan ng nararapat. Ito ay dala marahil ng kabatirang dahil ikaw naman ay aking laging ginagamit sa pakikipag-usap kahalo ang Ingles kaya naging Taglish, hindi na kailangang ikaw ay akin pang aralin at gamitin sa aking sining na nagagawa. Patawarin mo ako at ng Poong Maykapal sa aking pambabalewala aking sariling pinagmulan at wikang nakagisnan.

Rent-A-Boyfriend Scheme

Last night, I was browsing some things on Youtube when I stumbled upon this short video clip of a show in Japan. It was actually disturbingly pitiful. There, they have this thing called "Rent-A-Boyfriend". From what I watched last night, there was a single woman there probably my age or a bit older who was still single. She worked in a 24/7 hair salon in Japan and I think she spent most of her time there. Then for her socialization, she would often go to clubs, host clubs as they called it wherein she would "rent" a "man" to be her "host" to "entertain" her for the night. For a fee of course and I believe the amount was not a joke. There, they would share stories, they would pour her drinks which of course were also expensive and they would drink the night away. Afterwards, when all the drinks were spent and they were tired and bored already, they would bid themselves adieu and that was it. I just felt sad for the woman for looking at her and hearing her speak though I could not understand her (thanks for the subtitles), I still could sense the deep sadness and hurt she was having in her heart. That she would even go to that extent just to find company, just to get attention that she needed. That she was willing to pay such a huge amount of hard-earned money just for those services that we could actually get and give for free if we were not so self-absorbed and selfish. Yet, I think it was her choice. According to her, she lived far from her own family and in fact they did not have any idea where she lived. Probably, they had not seen one another for a long time already. I am not so sure also if she had any friends, female friends. As with sex, well according to her, she could just call any of her ex-boyfriends if they felt like doing it. That was it. Very casual. Very shallow. Very sad. She did not want commitment. She did not believe in marriage. Maybe, she had her own family history so who am I to judge her? I just feel sad for her. Really I do. Thinking about my own life, I am grateful for I do not have to go that length just to feel loved and accepted. No, I am not saying these things in a condescending manner but I just feel so blessed that I do not have to pay for love and affection. That I have my own immediate, albeit dysfunctional family who I know at the end of the day still has concern for me. That I have friends, albeit few I know are sincere and true. That I have a social circle, albeit minimal still is a sensible one. And most of all, I have God albeit unseen I know is still here, ever present, ever felt. I do not have much money, my work will never make me a rich person but I know that it does makes sense and it helps me become a better person, helping me find my life's purpose. Compared to that Japanese woman's life, though she may have a seemingly independent, free-spirited and charmed life, I still have a more meaningful one. And that makes it sadder all the same. Sadder for her, I mean. I have this compelling feeling to just pray for that woman whoever she is. Though I may not know her and perhaps will never will, still she is still a human being who needs God and people in her life to make her feel complete. She needs God more than anyone else so that she will not have to pay for any man's services just to make her feel loved and happy. I still do not have a boyfriend. Yes, I had my bouts of depression and insecurities but seeing that woman's life, I just feel so guilty from being so. Yet, I am not undermining these feelings for they were true during those moments but looking on a proper perspective, there has to be a reason why I am still a single woman. That I still have to learn a lot of things as a single person for I will never pass this way again once I am hitched already. Of course, I still want to have a family of my own, I really love to have my own kids to nurture and my husband to take care of and partner with but probably it is not yet my time. I still have things to finish like my studies. I think I have a purpose, a profound one that is why I am studying this course. Going back to that woman, I just hope that she would have the chance to get to know God in a deeper way. That she would be able to open her heart to Him. I also pray for those guys who worked as hosts, for them to have a transformation and change the way they're living. I believe they are not bad as they are, only they were not doing the right things. I just hope that people would be more sensitive to the need of others, that we become more compassionate and loving especially to those who are wounded and unloved. And it can start with me. I pray that it could start with me.

Missed Writing

I miss this. This writing thing. Yes, okay fine. This is not literally writing but typing my ideas and thoughts away. But the heck with terminology! It's still the same activity with the same purpose only the means to do so is different. Yes, I was in a not-so-good state for the past two weeks and all because of my own doings. I had my bouts of insecurity and I even went as far as thinking that I was the ugliest girl in the world. Ridiculous, isn't it? I am not going to tell about my lovelife anymore for it still the same though I have a new crush. Yes, from our church and he is really my crush. Nothing so serious. I just hope I could get to know his name and meet him one of these days. The problem with me you know,is that I could easily attach myself emotionally to a crush without really getting to know the person properly to say that I really like him. That was why I kept on falling and falling at the wrong but the same places. I will make sure this time, I will make the better choices and will act more rationally. My last emotional fiasco was really a sham but it taught me a great deal of lessons. Probably, as the days will go by, I will be able to fully come to terms with my feelings and how I perceived that person to be. I only had wrong notions of him, created crazy ideas about him and I ended up wounded and offended. Because of what happened, I was compelled to avoid some people even went as far as letting them go fully from my life. Anyway, I also felt that they did not want me in theirs anyway. So that was it. No, I have accepted that already. That's life and that's people. That's human nature at its finest. Maybe we were just so different as in painfully at that that they could not really understand me and them, I could not as well. But I am not closing any doors. Maybe the time was just not that...right. I am more at peace now. Thank God. I thank Him for everything, for not letting me go and for just picking me up as I ran head first to garbage. I thank Him for cleansing me again and now, I am sober again. Thank You so much, Father. Anyway, I am running of ideas already. Ironically I feel hunger pangs inside my tummy. I already ate my snacks this afternoon. This is just probably thirst hiding under the guise of hunger pangs. I will read again later. Then if ideas will come swirling in my head again, I will go back straight to you.

Unmotivated

I feel less motivated nowadays especially when it comes to my body weight and size. I just feel bored with the exercises I am doing every morning. I feel tired easily. My momentum now is not the same with the one I had a year ago to lose weight.

That year, I was really determined to lose a significant amount of weight because I wanted to win a bet. It did me good. Really. I really lost weight and many people were happy for me and ecstatic about it. But then, as the months went by and many celebrations, delicious food and sweets after, the novelty wore off and it seems like I went back to my old, bad habits again. Exercise became a chore and I actually feel bored about it.

I need some motivation. Really. It has been said that I have to do things for me and my own well-being but it does not really hurt to have some inspiration and motivation just to keep me going. I really need some nudge and budge again to get going.

I don't know. What do I do? I really don't have any idea.

Spending My Time

I am spending my time reading a lot of stuff right now. You see, I have plans to take up 9 units for my Master's degree this coming school year and by doing so, I know it's going to be a bit toxic and so busy for me.

Taking up 6 units was not that easy what more 9? So I guess, I really need to prepare for that already.

Anyway, I already have ideas on what I am going to take come the opening of school. I am actually enjoying reading and learning a lot especially now that I have lots to time to do so. This vacation time is not going to be boring at all for I have lots of things to do. The passing of time will not be that slow after all.

I had a talk with my mother while we were having lunch. I asked her if she was praying for my future spouse. She said yes, for all of us four. She theorized that probably the reason why I still don't have a special someone was because I am still studying. That maybe, the road that I am heading to might lead me to my future husband. That maybe he is from God's ministry and that my Master's degree is going to be helpful for him and me as we both serve God in the ministry.

Which brought me back into thinking once again. Probably I am meant to marry someone who is not ordinary. Someone who is so special to God and to His ministry. Maybe, His servant, I am not really sure. All I know is that I am required and asked to continue and finish my studies.

I just pray to God that there will be no distractions anymore. That if ever there would be once again, I would be able to just ignore them and let me just go on with my life.

By the way, my emotions for that person, the latest have already subsided. Now I can think more objectively and rationally. Maybe we are not really meant for each other, that he is not God's plan for me. That person has different visions for himself as I also have my own. It is not saying that he was thinking the wrong things, it is just that we have differing projections for our future. Our plans for our lives are just...different. If I would continue pining for him, it would only lead to disaster and further heartache for me and for our future children as well.

I will still pray for his safety and for his good life. I also pray that he would find a good and loving wife, one who would be faithful and loyal to him given the nature of his job. I also hope that we would become friends and good at that. By God's grace and by then my romantic emotions for him will be gone.

Good thing, things happened this way. Looking back, I would not have them any other way. Good thing, I was taken out of my delusions and given back to my disillusionment.

Disillusionment is not a bad thing at all. It may sound like it is but it is actually not. It only means being not under illusions anymore. That reality is far more visible and real to your eyes and your heart.

How in a matter of four months I have become a completely different person in how I think and feel is something I am grateful to God about. I am thankful for the learning experience though at the time, it was not easy. It felt like my world crumbled down and my heart badly crushed. Yet, though my old earth crumbled, I was given a new world and albeit a badly broken heart, a new and cleaner one was gifted to me by my Heavenly Father.

This is not to say that things will go on smoothly after this. This is not to think and feel complacently. This is just having this lovely thought that no matter what, whatever tempest that might probably go my way again, I know Who to turn to and somehow I already know what to do. What with the wisdom and guidance I can ask from Him and He generously gives.

So for now, I will just go on with my clothes for I washed them as early as today, Thursday in the Philippines for I do not have any to wear anymore. Because of the heat and the sweat I get from it. I will rinse my clothes now. Bye!

On Being Oneself

I feel better now that I have come to terms with myself. Yes, I still have some bouts of insecurities but thank God and praise Him, I can conquer that enemy called insecurity.

Yesterday, I really felt that some people who I considered my friends really could not see me just the same. That probably the best option for me as regards them is to truly let them go and never mind them anymore. That I am to be myself and if some could not accept me by being me, then they do not deserve to be called my friends at all. It is just good to know that God loves me most of all and then He has people for me to love me warts and all.

I feel sad that a friend of mine, a special friend of mine left our workplace already. It is so sad for I know that place will never be the same again but cliche as it may sound, life has to go on and must go on. The sadness is here but I must bear in mind that when someone goes, someone will come again. It is just a cycle.

Reading what I am writing now, I guess I have grown up already. Grown up a lot in just a short span of time. The tempest that just ended helped me realign my life and my priorities and really see who and what matter to me the most. And I am happy I think this way now.

At the end of the day, it all comes down to two things: God loves me and accepts me no matter what and changes me from glory to glory and that it is really much better to be myself and not be accepted than to be accepted for not being myself. I am more free, I am more at peace with myself, with the people around me and most of all, my Creator who just simply loves me so much.

It is now vacation time. I have lots of time to spare to read, to improve myself and to hone the skills that I have long neglected. I will make the most of my time.

I just feel lighter now, more joyful and yes, at peace.

For I know already, God showed me the things that really matter in life.

His love and grace, our relationship with others and our identity deeply rooted in Him.