Spending My Time

I am spending my time reading a lot of stuff right now. You see, I have plans to take up 9 units for my Master's degree this coming school year and by doing so, I know it's going to be a bit toxic and so busy for me.

Taking up 6 units was not that easy what more 9? So I guess, I really need to prepare for that already.

Anyway, I already have ideas on what I am going to take come the opening of school. I am actually enjoying reading and learning a lot especially now that I have lots to time to do so. This vacation time is not going to be boring at all for I have lots of things to do. The passing of time will not be that slow after all.

I had a talk with my mother while we were having lunch. I asked her if she was praying for my future spouse. She said yes, for all of us four. She theorized that probably the reason why I still don't have a special someone was because I am still studying. That maybe, the road that I am heading to might lead me to my future husband. That maybe he is from God's ministry and that my Master's degree is going to be helpful for him and me as we both serve God in the ministry.

Which brought me back into thinking once again. Probably I am meant to marry someone who is not ordinary. Someone who is so special to God and to His ministry. Maybe, His servant, I am not really sure. All I know is that I am required and asked to continue and finish my studies.

I just pray to God that there will be no distractions anymore. That if ever there would be once again, I would be able to just ignore them and let me just go on with my life.

By the way, my emotions for that person, the latest have already subsided. Now I can think more objectively and rationally. Maybe we are not really meant for each other, that he is not God's plan for me. That person has different visions for himself as I also have my own. It is not saying that he was thinking the wrong things, it is just that we have differing projections for our future. Our plans for our lives are just...different. If I would continue pining for him, it would only lead to disaster and further heartache for me and for our future children as well.

I will still pray for his safety and for his good life. I also pray that he would find a good and loving wife, one who would be faithful and loyal to him given the nature of his job. I also hope that we would become friends and good at that. By God's grace and by then my romantic emotions for him will be gone.

Good thing, things happened this way. Looking back, I would not have them any other way. Good thing, I was taken out of my delusions and given back to my disillusionment.

Disillusionment is not a bad thing at all. It may sound like it is but it is actually not. It only means being not under illusions anymore. That reality is far more visible and real to your eyes and your heart.

How in a matter of four months I have become a completely different person in how I think and feel is something I am grateful to God about. I am thankful for the learning experience though at the time, it was not easy. It felt like my world crumbled down and my heart badly crushed. Yet, though my old earth crumbled, I was given a new world and albeit a badly broken heart, a new and cleaner one was gifted to me by my Heavenly Father.

This is not to say that things will go on smoothly after this. This is not to think and feel complacently. This is just having this lovely thought that no matter what, whatever tempest that might probably go my way again, I know Who to turn to and somehow I already know what to do. What with the wisdom and guidance I can ask from Him and He generously gives.

So for now, I will just go on with my clothes for I washed them as early as today, Thursday in the Philippines for I do not have any to wear anymore. Because of the heat and the sweat I get from it. I will rinse my clothes now. Bye!