Here and Now

I had a good day though I must admit that deep inside I am not really feeling well. I don't feel so beautiful and so pretty nowadays. All because I listened to what others think about me. Worst, all because of what I had been thinking especially when it comes to that person who has really shaken my world and my existence.

Sadly, I had to push some people away in my life in order for me to not feel pain nor being left out. I am just sad that I had to do that. I am just taking care of my already badly wounded heart.

I have been suffering this for all my life. Feeling unloved, unwanted, undesired by someone especially by the opposite sex. I do not know what is really wrong with me. I think I already tried everything. I tried being smart, an intellectual just for that very intelligent man that I was infatuated with years ago to fall in love with me but to no avail. I tried to lose weight which I successfully did but nothing happened still. I tried to be quiet, to be the proverbial "Miss Prim and Proper" but was still in vain. I tried everything already, I guess. Have I tried to be just myself and yes, only be myself warts and all?

Looking at my life, I only move around school, my work, my community, my school and the cycle goes on. On Sundays I go to church and that is the closest thing I get to call my social life. Or my other social life. Not that it sounds pathetic, only it is pathetically limited. I do not get to go to places. I just stay in one place or two most of the time. I get to meet the same people all the days of the week, many hours a day. See, this is my life and no wonder it is really boring and unexciting.

The reason probably why I get so fixated with that man is because he is the seemingly only choice that I have for now.He is the only eligible one and like a child threatened that her precious toy would be taken away from her, she clings to it tightly it hurts her already. I think this is how I see my situation right now. I see him as my "redeemer" from my boring and romance-less almost to none lovelife. Maybe, given other options, I would not even be bothered if he ever exists at all.

I do not know. I feel stuck. Stuck in this place, stuck in my situation. I want something good, something exciting to happen into my life. I want things to be lively again, to be just alive again. I am losing my beauty because I am losing the shine and sparkle of my eyes. My eyes make me beautiful, indeed. The life that gives beauty to them is actually fading away.

I don't know. even my prayer life sucks nowadays. I feel bland. I feel dry and my relationship with God has been quite damaged. I need Him to restore me again to bring back the life in me again.

I am already 28. My goodness! Most of my friends have a family of their own, have babies and create more while here I am not even close to stage one. I don't know. I don't really know. Things just do not go my way. Or probably I just do not go the path, my own way.

I honestly would like to stop hoping. But even deep down the recesses of my heart, my even hoping for it makes me hope not to really hope for it. I don't actually want to hope not to hope for it. For I still have a burning hope, even just a tiny flicker of hope that one day, I will.

I guess all I need to do is to be just myself. To stop being who I am not. To stop trying to be perfect. I have been guilty of this, trying to be "she's all that". I have a good news for myself: Blessy, you are not all that but you can still improve yourself for excellence, not for perfection. Perfection is a wishful thinking; Excellence is attainable. Always remember that.

Where is that outspoken girl you used to be? Where is that musically-gifted person who used to sing all her heart out? Where is that girl who is not scared to try everything? Where is that girl who does not really care whether she looks like a princess or a pauper? Where is that girl who loves books, who loves adventures, and where is that girl who is just happy with who she is warts and all? Where is that girl who loves to use her brain to her heart's content? Where is that girl who laughs out loud and who usually sees fun in everything even if it looks so boring? Where is that girl who loves words and uses them for good? Where is that girl who loves the finer things in life, who loves paintings of the masters, who loves musicales even if they are so impractically expensive?Where is the girl who sees art in everything even in such a menial task such as cooking?Where is that girl who is not afraid to say what she has to say and to speak out what she knows or even if she doesn't she still does and unabashed at that? Where is she now?

These are the things that make up Blessy. These are the pieces of colorful shattered glass that create the mosaic of my soul. These are my elements, these are the things that are really me. I have imperfections of course. I can be disorganized most of the time, I am a crammer, I have bad habits but then they make me all the more human. I am a human and a unique one at that. My humanity is not measured by the size of my nose nor my body, my skin color nor anything tangible but they are part of what people see in me. Sadly, they already stop looking once they see.

I guess, I have gone through this period, this "dark hour" of my soul to see what and who I really I am. I am tired of being "nice" and "perfectly nice" to everyone. I am tired of giving too much of myself and not loving myself in return. I need to be more loving to myself, I need to listen when my heart calls me. I need to give me some attention and healthy at that. I am programmed to think about others, to be of service to them when in the process of doing so, I have neglected the most essential instrument, the vital part of that program which is "Me". I guess I need to love myself more so I can richly and unselfishly love others in return.

God allowed me to go through this tough time. To sort things out in me. To let me see things on the right perspective. I know, I cannot control what life will throw at my way but I can control my response to them. I just need to learn to change the way of my thinking. I need to learn that I only need to be myself for me to be loved. I don't have to change a thing; only improve it. As what the great St. Augustine said, "Do what you can and pray for what you cannot do". All I can do right now is to change and modify my not-so-good and helpful behaviors and my way of thinking. All I can do is to focus on the here and now. Whatever lies in the future, it surely still lies in there for it has not yet even come close in here. Only God knows. All I must do is to refrain from taking things into my hand, let go of my control and obsessive issues and tendencies and live my life, each day. Of course, pray again. Unceasingly and faithfully at that.

I guess, I need to walk again and go around the village. The way I used to dispel thoughts of sadness and longings that are in the first place so unfounded and baseless. It was not as if we spent too much time together and got to know each other deeper than the Pacific Ocean that I need to feel depressed. Cut this awful crap. I have a life. A life so full I thought it was empty.

At the end of these rantings, it would only come down right to one thing: It was all about just me, my silly brainwaves, brain cells, and my thinking.