I am almost close to what I consider "unholy" hour of the night yet here I am still clacking and typing away on my keyboard.
I just had that bout of minor depression this morning thinking and sulking about how pathetic my life is. Or was. Or whatever depending on my mood, perspective and probably what I have eaten on any given day. Could also be the amount of time on exercise. Not really sure. Or maybe time less spent with God.
I had this conversation with Him this morning in my classroom when the day had just started. I told Him that I was starting to feel angry towards Him already. All because of the banters I had with a spinster co-teacher.
She "prophesied" about my future telling me that I would become just like her, an old maid. I just laughed about it and tried to shrug it off but the thought just never left me pushing my panic buttons into full swing. I rattled, panic and felt depressed about it. I don't want to be like her. Spending my time alone and just dreaming of having my own family. I want to have my own family. A husband who I can share my love and life with and children we will rear in the best possible ways we can. Yet, looking at my situation now, my lovelife's future is seemingly bleak. There is no prospect in sight, not one. I feel so trapped, so enmeshed in this boring mess I just wanted to shout, flee and go another place. Never to come back.
I don't know. I really don't know. I am already 28. My mother had me when she was 28. Ironically, at this age I am still looking and even hoping for someone to notice me. I am starting to become impatient now.
All my friends, well most of them are all doing well with their love lives while here am I, still hoping and waiting. Wait, wait, wait. It seems like the odds are against me. I hate it. Absolutely hate it.
I don't know. All I know is I just want to slack down a little and try to find other "worlds" where I can meet other people. Yet, I need to go to school this summer. But a part of me just wants to have fun. A real, honest-to-goodness fun where I can learn many things and yes, meet other people. I don't know. I am thinking about taking a break from school this summer and really enjoy my summer days.
I will think about it. My life has been so boring, so rigid and yes so structured fun is already an alien word to me. I will just sit back and relax. I will just look and see at what will happen next. Right now, all I feel like doing is to simply follow where the wind will take me.
Sometimes, getting our lives so well-planned could create chaos in our inner being. Sometimes it is better to just let go and yes, have fun.
I am thinking. Really I am. Summer class or really summer time???
Sometimes, I think of the same things as you, and then I think, HAVE FAITH. God has plans for us. I know the feeling. There are times that I want to rebel. Kasi pagod na rin ako. Minsan, I wonder how am I able to hold on any longer. And the thing with Mr. Sexy Name--there are times na nagda-doubt ako. Yung mga tipong tanong na, Magtatagal ba ito? Seryoso ba talaga sya? Will he change me into the person he wants me to be? Will he remain to accept me for who I am? O sa simula lang yun? Mga ganong tanong.
ReplyDeleteTime and society changes. But let's not follow what they demand of us. They don't set the standards, God does. I know it's so awful to just wait. But we can do it with faith. Yun na nga lang pinanghahawakan ko.
Huwag nating hayaan diktahin ng ibang tao ang future natin. Hindi sila si God. ;)