Failing Faith

My faith is crumbling now. I do not even pray let alone read my Bible nowadays. It seems like I have lost all the faith and the fire inside me. It seems like the Bible has become unbelievable for me.

I have been praying for something for how many years already but nothing happens. People come into my life and then they just leave. Why? I have been told that they came for me to learn lessons. For me to become better. Why? Are those getting married perfect people? Are they already the best human beings when they entered their married lives? Just asking.

It seems like everyone around me is getting something while here I am, being left alone. What is the sense of praying for that when I have not been listened to and I think I am just making a fool out of myself?

I hate it. I am sorry but I feel like I am hating God already. It seems like He has been playing with my emotions, He has been torturing me. I have been praying that if getting married is not His will for me, then take this bull**** feeling away. This bull**** desire in me. Because the mere fact that I am already using this bad word makes it altogether bull**** with a capital "B".

I am already having hate inside my heart. This is not me. I have become such a monster already though outside I may have it all together. I am so hurt. I feel inadequate.

All I want is to have a family of my own. A nice little family that I can take care of. But nothing happens. Nothing happens. I am losing the spark, the life inside me. I really feel bad.

I am tired. Really I am tired. Tired of waiting, tired of hoping. What do I do? I really feel bad. That is why I already deactivated all my Facebook accounts. I can live without them. I don't have to see the things that happen in the lives of the people there making me envious, making me feel frustrated. Others can live without it, so why can't I?

I just want to bring the fire inside me again. I just want to get closer with God again so that I will not hate Him. So that I will stop trying to understand Him and just go on with my life putting everything into His hands. I must say that I have been praying for someone and then things have become vaguer and vaguer as the days went by. May I understand the reason why, eventually.

I am sorry Lord. I am sorry if I said these things. If I freaked out and exploded. If I said bad words towards You. I know You understand, I know. I am sorry I just feel this way. May I learn my lessons from this experience again. May I know the reasons why. May I understand later on what You really have in mind for me. I cannot go on like this. I cannot. For sooner You will do something to bring me back to You.