Pre New Year Musings

In a matter of hours, New Year will come and new things will happen. Actually, if one looks at it closely, nothing will really change except that there will be technically and numerically a New Year. The days and activities are actually just the same.

Anyway, there's really something romantic about the unfolding of a New Year. It is like throwing some things behind, things that you actually don't need when you wake up the next day. Things, people and situation that you just have to leave behind.

Like in my case. I actually have lots of things to say about this year. About 2011. I could still remember how excited I was last year, same time and day. I was looking forward to a really new and better year and now that it has come to an end, well almost, look at what where it has gotten me into.

I could still remember how excited I was for the things to come, for the people to meet this year. Never did I realize that my life this year would just be so complicated. Or made complicated by me.

During the first months of the year, I met a guy who was way out of my league. He was introduced to me by my colleague and at first I was not interested with him but lonely and bored that I was, I eventually fell for him. Yet, because at the back of my mind I knew he was the wrong man, just not the right one for me I did not take him seriously at first and just took him for granted. I must admit that I even went as far as hurting his ego and sensibility. Until eventually when I lost him totally that I realized the mistakes I made. I tried to win him back but nothing happened. Until we just went on our own ways not ending up as friends. The last thing I knew about him was he was already having a child from his current girlfriend.

And what did I learn from that experience? First, respect other people no matter where or what kind of background they are from and their educational attainment. I must admit that I looked down on him, I trampled on his pride and I knew that I hurt him a lot. But I have learned my lessons from him and my encounter with him actually took away all my prejudices as regards my future relationship with men.

I just hope he is okay. I am not sending him any greetings anymore for his girlfriend might probably freak out again the way she did before.

Next, this year I had an almost "falling out" with a close friend. I must say that she has her flaws but who does not have in this fallen world? Maybe I just expected too much from her. Maybe I was just too immature handling things specially when it had something to do with a misunderstanding with a friend. Our misunderstanding brought out the worst and the best in me. With her, I learned to overlook offenses, to just be patient and yes to be kind to your enemies. I learned to just be kind and really kind even if there were times that I already wanted to shout at her and slap her face. Later on, I have learned also the value of relationships and no matter what, it is still the best thing to forgive and to be humble and restore anything that's left with the relationship regardless of whose fault was that. We are okay now and I think we now laugh harder and joke sillier than before.

I also became the team leader of our level. In Grade 1. It was not easy and honestly, I was not all too pleased with everything that came with it. Except for one. The monetary return. Yet, it somehow opened my eyes on things about my profession and the people around me. It has taught me to become more patient, resilient and not to be overly sensitive specially when being reprimanded. I have learned also to become more patient and tolerant specially when there are people who are unaware seemingly that there is such a phrase called "chain of command" and a word called "respect." To think those people call themselves my friends. I have learned to be more forgiving and just leave things as they are as long as they don't put the whole team in jeopardy.

I have also learned the value of being responsible and that it is not indeed easy to handle people. It is easier and actually better to handle lots of boisterous little children than to supervise a few, headstrong and obstinate adults. Man! They are indeed loads of work!

I have also learned and really understood the value of relationship with people. That in the end our relationship with them is what really makes us happy. Of course, in the context of our relationship with God.

Now, this year also I have learned and really the hard way at that, the essence of not expecting anything from anyone. The last month, November was I think the most complicated, stressful and roller-coaster month for me. That month, I met a person who actually turned my world upside down. With him in my life at the time, all the demons, all the immaturity came out and man! I was a wreck, mess personified. My emotions were really on a downhill but sometimes uphill. The vicious cycle just went on and on. I have learned not to fast track all things, not to be overly romantic about things and yes, not to expect as in not even a bit from someone. Unless that someone is really indeed having a serious and committed relationship with me. Yet even in that situation, still too much expectation is not advisable. Just let things come as they are. Be happy with what they can give and not look for something they cannot give. For in the end as a wise person said, "when you expect nothing, you have everything."

I have also learned to be myself under all circumstance. That I will be who I am regardless of what. If people cannot accept me for who I am warts and all, then they are not really meant to be in my life in the first place. I have also learned and still yet to learn not to be so overly paranoid. Right now, I am still training myself not to be so "praning" on certain things. Just like now. I sent a text message to someone and until now, that person has not yet replied. Well, I have actually noticed that she has not been what she was like to me before. I don't know. Yet, I could feel the avoidance coming from her. I cannot understand. Yet, I guess I must leave things that way. Whatever her reasons are, then so be it. I could never control anyone's feelings or attitude towards me but I can control my response to their action. I guess, one good thing that I still need to learn and will start doing so is just accept things as they are and not to be overly concerned about what others think about me. In the end, those people who love me sincerely and honestly plus their opinions will really matter.

Which will lead me back to the vanity and futility of pleasing others. My goodness!!!When I met that person, I wanted to be Miss Prim and Proper, I was afraid to say things that might probably shoo him and the people close to him away. I was not myself. I was a different person. I could not speak my mind. I could not be a human being. It seemed like I was under a microscope in the scrutiny of those people who matter to him. I forgot well almost, the people who really matter to me. And to think that we do not even have any relationship except being neighbors. That's all.

I know I still have many things to learn. I still have many things to uncover as I dig my way through life. I still have many roads to walk and crossroads to choose from. I know, my 2011 was not that good but on hindsight I know that this year was really an educational and indeed a wisdom-laden one.

There were the good times also. This year, I developed good relationships with some of my colleagues and workmates, I even have for myself a guy best friend who happened to be an apple of my eye way back in 2009 when I started in SSI. I have realized that it is indeed possible to develop a platonic close relationship between a guy and a girl just as long as they know their boundaries and they set them in right away. Mine with this friend of mine has been a good one and with him, I am learning to care for a guy sincerely without falling in love with him for it does not really have to be that way always. This year also, I lost a significant amount of weight and was quite successful about it though the pounds shed are actually and slowly coming back if I would not do anything about it.

I also successfully shifted from my former course in my Master's degree to the one I am really interested about which will bring me back into reality come tomorrow and the days ahead. My work also of course.

Every year leaves a certain mark in my personality. Every year, I know has brought a significant change in me and the other aspects of my life. Every year is indeed a learning experience for me.

This year, I am looking forward to a better life. Most of all a better and deeper relationship with God. I know that in 2011, He had taken the back seat in the car I call my life and I had been so wrong with this. He was not in the picture most of the time. This year was just all about me, myself and I. And look what this year has gotten me into.

This year, I will by His grace will start the year right. I will be committed to my prayer and fasting, I will be more devoted to my early morning communes with Him and yes, less secular music and love songs. I have noticed how restless would I become when I would just listen and saturate my mind with thoughts about romantic love and having a romantic relationship. I think I really have to refrain from that now. As in now.

I still have many things to say but then my eyes are already hurting. I need to move a bit and rest. Later, if something pops into my mind, I will get back to you.

Bye for now...(^^,)