Emotions Overturning

I am feeling down today. Really I do.

There have been triggers again and I know this sadness will come to pass soon. All I need to do is deal with them with all honesty and bareness of my heart.

It all started when I started when I talked with my co-teacher last Wednesday and I felt though it was so subtle what was lacking in me. Then when I got sick again with sore eyes and the people I considered my friends treated me like I was a human anthrax and they made it obvious how they disgusted me. That was one of the triggers. I felt bad about it. Really I did. Then yesterday, I remembered that person again and how I created again my own ghost by being jealous with nothing at all. Then today, the last straw was pulled when my mother and I fought for just a very insignificant and trivial thing. I really feel unloved by the people around me and those I think I could turn to and run to just disappointed me. I am hurt. But you see, I cannot do anything about it. I just feel inadequate. Inadequate in many ways. I keep asking myself why is it that no man notices me? It is like everyone has been picked up already and I am the only one in the basket. Then my so-called friends just let me down and my family as well. I know I am not perfect but I am trying to be good. Really I do. But those people do not seem to see that goodness in me.

I am tired. I am tired of pleasing others, I am tired of making my parents specially my mother be pleased with me and proud of me. I feel so alone, left behind and wounded by the very people I love. Nothing ever feels so bad in the world but rejection. I feel like there's no one who will love me if I am not pretty, if I am not thin, if I am not smart. I am tired. I just want to be myself. To be my own self without the need to please and make others happy. I need someone to look after me too. I need someone to care for me too.

Lord, I know You are there. I feel so alone now. I just want to cry. I am crying now. You are the only One who can love me and understand me. I need You more than anything else, anyone else in my life. I am hurting so much because I feel so rejected by those people around me. You know my mother, how she shuts me out each time I would try to do something good to her. How she disregards everything that I give her. How she makes me feel unimportant. My friends as well. I could no longer call those people my friends. Not that I have not yet forgiven them it is just that I cannot see in them the real essence of friendship. Lord, I don't know whom to turn to now. Only You. Lord, console my heart. It is crying now. Lord, I do not want to feel inadequate now. I just want to be good to others and most specially to please You and live my life so that You will be happy.

Lord, what is my life without You? Specially these hours when I feel so lonely and alone. You're the only One I could turn to. The One I could run to. Help me to forgive them. Help me to love them regardless if they are unlovable. And help me to discern the right actions when dealing with them. I will just look into Your word. I will depend on You. You will pick me up and will touch my heart.

Lord, thank You so much. I will just go on. I will just get on and will continue doing good regardless of the bad things being thrown my way. Lord, I am beautiful and lovable because You made me lovely and You loved me first and has kept on loving me ever since.

Lord, help me to do good. And to just be good. I will bless others and will live my life according to Your plans. I will just wait on You. I will only look up to You and will hold on to You. Father, thanks a lot for picking me up. And for loving me this much. Thank You so much for this gift of words that I can write and can let out my feelings freely with this. Thank You so much. Thank You very much.