Guilt-Buttons and Deactivation

I am angry right now. Angry with my mother for once again, she did not take my side and I had to sacrifice again just for my younger sibling. When I insisted on my right, she got angry and she was obviously irritated. She was thinking of objects more than of me. Sometimes, I have this feeling that she does not love me that much. For she puts more value on objects when it comes to me.

My emotions flared up again. I raised my voice because I got so angry. Angry for I am not loved the way I wanted to be loved. She could not get my point and even cussed at me. She would always think I am wrong and never did anything right. I am so tired of pleasing her. I am tired and now I give up.

Lord, I am tired of her. Of her rantings, of her pushing my guilt buttons most of the time. I am fed of her attitude. Ever since, when my younger siblings would be involved, she would never take my side. Never. I am so sad and angry about that but I have to deal with this feeling or else I will explode again. This is not just my fault. Okay, I will change some bad attitudes in me like my easily exploding emotions, my loud mouth and other things. I know i have these bad things in me and for those times that I was guilty of those, I am sorry and would willingly undergo some penance and reformation just to change my negative attitudes. Help me to be more loving and understanding specially this time that I am being tested to hate my own parent. Lord, You alone can understand me. You know that ever since, I have this feeling inside me that I am inadequate because my own parents can't love me unconditionally. That's why everything comes out in every aspect of my life because of this sense of inadequacy. I know I am not for You made me complete, lovely and worthy to be loved. May I find that love in You but I am sure that I do. She decided to not go to church because of what happened but I am not letting my guilt feelings take the reigns in my heart. I am not letting this overcome me. I will still obey and will put You first. For it has always been You who loves me and always there for me.

I am preparing now. I will attend Victory Molino. I will go to church and will not follow my feelings. She is already an adult now. She knows the right thing to do so I am not to be influenced again by her negativity. Lord, help me to forgive her, them for not loving me that much. And may this experience of mine become something beautiful for that I can offer others. I am chosen to take this path for You know i can make it. I can do it. I can make it through though while passing, it hurts a lot. It gives me a lot of anger and bitterness but I will let them go. Help me to let go.

Thank You, Father. Amen.