Unreasonably and Illogically Jealous

I checked on that person again. I really need to renew my mind or else I would be the cause of my own downfall. The scenario would be like the proverbial dog returning to and eating its vomit. Disgusting, right?

The problem with me is that each time my mind was not doing anything, I would revert to meditating on those thoughts that made it so dirty and so embarrassing to God. If someone could see and read my mind then that person would see things I could not put in print.

It was wrong. I know. To think of that person that way. He is also God's creation and he needs some respect. He may not have Jesus in his heart now but maybe, if I would keep on praying for him and would think of him as my brother then he'd be in God's house eventually. My dirty thoughts about him only showed how little I think of him, how he was nothing but a "plaything." And to think, I demanded respect from him. What kind of an attitude was that?

I must admit that I am really attracted to him. Yet, God said that if you look at a person with lust in your eyes, then it is already adultery. I am already guilty of it so many times already. No wonder, I cannot really move on and let him go because I still keep him in my mind in a bad way.

I want to surrender this attraction/lust that I have for him. I want to just respect and love that person in a godly way. He is also God's creation, made according to His image so I must and will respect him and treat him with dignity even if he was only a very ordinary person. He is not actually for he is unique and the mere fact that he is who he is makes him one.

I will surrender this to God. And I will ask Him to give me alternatives to think about specially when my mind is blank and tends to wander off somewhere. I don't want to offend anyone even in my mind. Everybody needs to be respected and treated with dignity no matter what kind of person we perceive them to be.

I was irrationally jealous of that girl he used to like. I was creating my own ghost and making my own misery. To think that those two actually don't care about my existence. The guy just wanted me out of his life and the girl does not even know that I exist. Crazy, right? And there I was, even cussing that he had feelings for that girl. Really insane.

I just want to hit myself on the head and shout out loud to my ears, "Hey! Are you really becoming an idiot?! Get real and wake up!"

I will just pray about this. Maybe this is because of the longing to be accepted and loved my a man. I have always wanted to be touched with love but no one's been giving me that.

Lord, I know You love me but then You know I have this longing inside me to be touched and loved by someone. I am sorry if I feel this inadequacy but I have to be honest to You that what I really feel is real and I cannot deny them. I am not justifying my wrong actions and thoughts but in my imagination, in my dream world, I am accepted, touched and loved. I am sorry Lord. Help me to deal with this feeling for I don't want to disobey You. Help me deal with this longing, Father. I really don't know what to do. Teach me and renew my mind so that my secret habit of dirty thinking will be gone and a new one will take place. One that comes from You.


This is my sincere prayer. I know that God heard me and listened to the cry of my heart. I believe He will make a breakthrough in my life. Soon.