Everything Starts in the Mind

Yes, everything does. And if I keep on thinking and meditating on the wrong things, I would not be surprised anymore if I would find myself drowning in my self-made giant sinkhole of misery and regret.

Let us start with my weight and my figure. I feel like there is a relapse and I am actually dreading it. I can avoid it from happening but because of these undisciplined nature, lazy attitude and complacent stance again, I feel like I am gaining weight once more and not losing anymore. I am scared to go back to my old, frustrating appearance but with the rate that I am going and with the attitude that I am showing as regards my diet and exercise, I would be there again and even worst. I don't want that to happen anymore. I will start my drastic reforms before things will get out of hand and I will be that same obese and flabby girl again. Very bad!

Next is my thought life. I have been thinking and contemplating again on things so intimate only husbands and wives should think about them. I cannot blame others but myself for I even stalled prayer time to the point of not praying at all just to feed my wild and immoral imagination. So the day today which was supposed to be productive did not turn out that way. Though, I was able to rest and cook again but I am not happy. Really I am not. So I binged again, took a huge amount of garbage food, wasted money and then forcing them out of my body for it could not handle too much of toxicities anymore. I did not feel well until I purged them down.

Something is really wrong. Pastor Lapiz was right when he said that the reason something was wrong was because something was not in its proper place and not done right. Something that was not supposed to be there was there and vice-versa. So you see, something is really wrong with me these days. And this is more spiritual than anything else.

By the way, I still found myself in "bondage" with the memory of that person again all because I was thinking the wrong way. Lusting after that guy was really my problem. I could not love him. No reason for me to. But for reasons I am actually aware of, I still find myself thinking of him sometimes and even wanting to go back to him. Really insane.

This is all about God. My relationship with Him. How I view Him. How I look up to Him. Something is really wrong with me. And that wrong is the product of my own wrong decisions, wrong thinking, wrong actions. Basically, it is all about my thinking. My wrong thinking. I think the reason why I had my sore eyes was because of a wrong decision again. It was not physical though it manifested there but more like a spiritual punishment from God.

When will I fully learn my lessons? When will I take God seriously? To be honest, maybe I am not taking Him seriously. That I think He is a good,loving and merciful God that I had no qualms doing the same mistake over and over again for I know He would just forgive me. What kind of an attitude is this? If this would be done to me by another human being, I would surely banish that person from my life. God feels the same though because of His loving and patient nature, banishment is not yet His option, not yet.

I do not know how to say sorry again,Lord for the mistakes that I keep on doing. Lord, I need to be honest. I cannot obey You easily. I cannot just follow You and do Your commands Your way. It is not easy. On my own, I cannot. Help me. Help me to surrender to You all the areas of my life and my thinking that need to be surrendered. Help me to obey in those areas that require my obedience. I cannot do it. I give up. I give up obeying You on my own accords and strength. Because I relapse. I keep on relapsing. Because I just depend on my own power and endurance. I cannot do it anymore, Lord. Give me Your two hands Father and help me obey You with all my heart, mind and soul.

Everything starts in the mind. I cannot control my mind on my own. I need God to help me steer its nerves to go to the right "course."

Help me Father. Help me yield to You completely. Help me in all areas of my life. Help me to obey You fully and wholeheartedly. Help me in my way of thinking.