Deal With How I Feel

I still feel sad. Sad about what happened.

I found out yesterday that it was not really him who gave me that foul message but indeed his foul-mouthed girlfriend. She and our common friend had a verbal fight yesterday. That girl cussed at her and told her many things that were so below the belt and could not be written in print. Indeed, it was not him after all.

I am just sad because that woman according to our common friend is married already. In fact, she has children. Maybe she is separated and that man maybe he thought that that girl could give everything that he "needed" went into a relationship with her. And left me in sheer ambivalence.

Now, all my questions have been answered. I was the only one who felt committed to him after all.The only one who really felt serious about us. I am sad because a big part of what happened was my fault for there were red flags already when we met but I ignored them. So now, I am suffering the consequences of my decision.

Yet, I understand him. What happened was somehow a blessing in disguise for now, I have a clearer and more realistic point of view as regards a man's ego. How important it is that they should feel superior and powerful most of the time. With me, he never felt that way until such time that he fell out of love. Until he found another one that maybe was able to give him the kind of love and acceptance that he was not able to get from me.

I had regrets before and somehow I even hated myself about that. Kept on blaming myself. Yet, as the events unfolded, I have realized that I may have had my faults and flaws and am willing to change them but I don't really have to lower my standards just to make room for someone like him in my life. I am like this already. Yes, I can submit to a man but he has to respect me first, mind, body and soul. At first, I had his but it fell apart. Maybe because I did not give it to him too.

Looking back, I could have played things differently as the song goes. But there's no use feeling remorseful about it. Now, I understand him well, I got the answers that I needed so it's time for me let go and just focus on what I have today.

Next time, I will do better. I will act more sensitive and as much as possible I will take care of other people's sensibilities. I have learned many lessons from what happened. I have a different vision now, relationally speaking.

I am just sad because if my friends information were true, then he is right now into an adulterous relationship. According to my friend, that woman has a husband and children now. So if it were true, then they are committing something legally wrong. I am just sad because he ended up that way.

Add to that the foul-mouth and uneducated ways that person had dealt with us. I am just sorry for her. And I feel bad for my pseudo ex-boyfriend.

Anyway, I need to really let go now. There's no use going back there and thinking about any possibilities in the future. If it is included in God's plan that we meet and interact again, then it would happen. But I have a feeling that our first and last meeting is indeed the last.

I will just pray for him. Pray that he'll get to know the Lord and may someone suited to him love him and accept him for who he is. I will just want that someday, he will also have a good and peaceful life.

I am indeed closing that chapter of my life. I am just amazed that in a span of almost six months, many things happened and left me a changed person and maybe a better one.

I will miss him. There were in fact happier times, funny nights and lovely moments though not so many. But I will be thankful that he came into my life and made me realize many things about love, about people and about life.

Goodbye, dear. Though we will not see each other again, I will still pray that you'll be okay. And you'll be taken good care of. I will pray for your happiness even if it does not include me. I will always wish you well.