Sleeping Jitters

I don't know why. I am having a hard time sleeping tonight. I don't know.

Is it because of the tea that I am drinking right now? Probably. I will stop drinking it tomorrow. I will not depend on it anymore when it comes to my diet.

Or is it possible that I am bothered by something or someone that I have just met?

I must admit that probably yes because since I met him I have been like this already. Disoriented, not focused and disturbed. Which is not good. Maybe I set my hopes too high, maybe I have expected too much for so little time. And I have acted maybe too much of myself also. I don't know. But that is me. My personality. I am not going to change just because of this certain guy or certain people's opinions. I don't even know them.

I even changed my number again,my goodness! Then, foolishly invited him in Facebook. Talk about being a certified "praning"! I don't know. Is this how I will act when that man that God will give me will eventually find me or will I become a different person?

I don't know. I am still feeling like I am already in the dead end. With no prospect guy in sight, ticking biological clock and the countless and unceasing pressure I have been getting from well-meaning friends and loved ones. I don't know. The guy, I am still interested to know but seeing his Facebook account and his seemingly lifestyle, I think there will be a big disparity again between our worlds and belief systems.

But who am I to say these things? I still don't know him that much. I don't know him at all. And I guess he probably lost his interest with me already. What with a guy like that, I think he does not need a girl like me. We are just I think...different.

I also want to love and be loved. But with and by the right person. Someone who will try to get into the depths of my soul and being. Someone who will see me as more than just a physical body. Someone who will see my heart, not just my externals.

But I have yet to meet him. God, by His unfathomable love and divine orchestrations, our paths will eventually meet. Our roads will cross in His own perfect timing. Maybe, right now, I am just being shown my mistakes. My shortcomings as a person. And God by His wonderful love wants to develop my heart to fit with that whoever that person may be. Maybe the reason I have been pushing men away in my life is because I could already sense that they are not the one. For even if I would push them to, they would still pull closer until I would eventually hold their hands. So far, in my twenty-seven years of existence, no man has ever done that to me yet. None so far.

No, this time I will not run away anymore. I will not be afraid to let anyone enter my life anymore the way that I used to. I will accept anyone and even if that guy does not end up as my romantic interest, then he could end up just my friend. Now I know the reason why it did not work out between Nick and I before. God spared me from such a devastating heartache and crushed self-esteem that his ex-girlfriend is experiencing right now. I am not saying that I am happy for what happened, I am just thankful that I am seeing the reasons now behind what happened two years ago.

Same as with the others. God indeed knows the way. I am thankful. So I guess, I will just be happily and faithfully contented with whatever state I am now. He has His plans and He has his ways. He has His own orchestrations in my life. I will just watch. Wait and see what is going to happen next. I was just fooled into thinking that I needed a man right now. Yes, I have the desire to be someone's wife and mother of his kid but there is indeed a time for that. All I need to do is just trust Him. And continuously trust Him.

There is nothing wrong with me. There is something wrong with this world's belief system. I am beautiful. I have a kind heart and loving spirit, a strong and determined soul. I am under God's endless care. I may not see right now, but behind everything that is happening is a great and big picture of my life.