Honoring The Lord With My Strength

The honor of young men is their strength. And the honor of old men is their hair turning white. Proverbs 20:29 NLV

I think I am strong. I claim the good health and sound body that the Lord blesses me with everyday. But how do I use these blessings? How do I capitalize on these to do His purpose in my life?

I know I have not been a good steward of my strengths. I have not been taking good care of my body, not using my time as I should do. At work, I used my "spare" time talking and gossiping with my friends and just simply fooling around instead of focusing on my work and the requirements that I needed to finish. Then there was this time that I was not able to finish all my requirements in graduate school because of procrastination and wasting my time on social media and other unimportant stuff. Now, am I putting to good use my strengths? No. I have not been very careful and I have been so wasteful.

Lord, forgive me. Forgive me for wasting my time and my strengths. It was not an accident that I stumbled upon the preaching of Pastor Sumrall about our strength being our honor. That I have been taking for granted this very precious and priceless gift from You. Forgive me. Forgive me for being lazy, a procrastinator and yes, a thief. I have been stealing time meant for work and other necessary stuff to get them done. Forgive me for my dishonesty. Forgive me Lord.

Lord, by Your grace please help me become more responsible with my time and strength. Help me to become more diligent and efficient in everything I do. That is why You are sending me Your Word. To remind me of the things that I need to do, to turn me around. Thank You Father God for Your reminders. Thank You Lord, amen.

BES

Found You Once More

I thought I already lost this blog site of mine. Upon checking, the last entry that I made was in 2013 roughly three years ago. Three years have passed and there have been things that changed already. Like now as I write this, I am already a mother with a precocious, smart and active little boy. The joy of my life, my beloved baby. Then I am still married though we have our share of ups and downs we still stick with each other. Then of course my job. Yes, my job.

Three years ago, when I wrote the last entry it was all about moving forward, of leaving this school. But because I had my child and some other things like financial matters I am still here. My batch mates, they are already gone I do not have many friends around here anymore. Worst, I became a part of that blasted middle management which is actually like a purgatory; middle road between death and the afterlife. I really cannot fit in their group, being with those people resembles hell everyday. But I need to get on, to just live like a stone among them in order for me to not feel anything when they try to slight my sensibilities. But surely, I hate being with them, to mingle with them, I really detest their guts.

I am already so negative here but this is the only way that I can let out how I feel towards those people who talk senselessly everyday. Heaven forbid me but I just cannot stand them but I have to. So I need to become stronger and wiser everyday.

This is indeed a very trying time for me...

Leaving: A Sound Judgment

I have been contemplating about leaving these past few days.

Before, I already decided to stay. But things turned around again and this time I really decided to leave.

For how many years, I have enjoyed working there, with people I have already considered my friends and family. But things there are not the same as before. I must admit that I am not happy there anymore. Gone is the enthusiasm and joy that I used to feel. Probably because I don't have many friends there anymore. Even my so-called bestfriend somehow has already changed.

I need a change in my environment. I need to go out of my comfort zone now. Probably, leaving and saying goodbye will be the soundest decision I could make. I will go to the next level of my life.

I will miss everything. I will miss everyone. But life has to move on. I need to move on and move forward.

Maybe my complacent world is being shaken for me to wake up from a very long and comfortable "slumber" in my career. I need to move on and try another world. A world very much different from what I have now.

So Confused

I don't know. I am vacillating with my decisions. One day, I am decided the next day not again.
My mind is like a roller-coaster having its ups and downs.
I already set my mind to leave my workplace before; then again I changed my mind and just opted to stay. But then again here comes the feeling that I want to leave again.
I feel like I am not appreciated anymore. That I am just one of the "employees." My superiors just don't appreciate the job that I am doing. I am quite bored already with all the routines I am doing everyday. It is like I am already living my life monotonously.
I want to reinvent myself. But how can that be if I am stuck in that place all because of money?
My brother already got his salary from public school. Not that bad since he is just starting. In my case, I have already started seven years ago and still here I am trying to find where will I truly fit in.
I love teaching. It is just that I am inside the same circle for how many years already.
I love the people there in my workplace but I guess things are not the way they were anymore. People are not the same as they were before.
I am staying there because I just want to save money and to put things in the right places. Or seemingly so.
I don't know where my future is. Only God knows. Maybe I just depended on myself too much that is why I am like this.
Maybe I have become so slacked with my job that is why I am like this.
Maybe I need to grow more, I need to see myself more in a different light.
Weekly, I am doing my lesson plans. The same boring lesson plans that if you would just look at it closely is not really that important. All you need to do is to connect with the pupils, make them understand what you want them to get. I am not undermining the importance of lesson plans but then how can other schools achieve without becoming so obsessive-compulsive with their lesson plans?
Plans. They do change most of the time. Even lesson plans do. I am just bored with it yet it is part of the package, a parcel included in what they pay me for.
I am just tired. I need a breath of fresh air. I think I am not growing anymore there. I think I just go around by the same tree over and over again.
I don't know. I guess I don't want to stay anymore. But still, months are still coming. Many days are still up ahead. Who knows things might just have a positive turn around. But I am still not sure. I will just prepare that's all.
So here's my Plan B. I will secure all the necessary documents, I will prepare and make sure that everything is accounted for. Anyway, I have friends who will help me and most of all God Who sees me everyday.
Lord, I am confused again. Help me. I am scared that there might probably no item for me, that I might just be a "floating" teacher. Yet Lord, I know You only want what is best for me. Is transferring an option now?
I have been seeing my friend in public lately, talking with her most of the time. My brother already received his salary and I think that's good. Are these the signs?
Lord, help me. My family supports me. My mother, my brother and my husband. Are these the signs? Am I just being stubborn?
It would be a very great leap of faith if I would take this opportunity. Help me Lord. Show me where can I apply, please.
Help me Father. Help me to decide. Help me please.

A Tale of The Little Dad

Once there was a little boy. He was in school and he listened to his teacher intently. Albeit his small frame and stature, his mind could easily comprehend what the teacher was talking about.
The teacher gave an instruction. They had to bring out their coloring materials and their sketch pad for they would have an activity. A drawing activity.
The boy happily got his things and waited for his teacher's directions. The teacher asked the class to draw something. She asked them to draw about the members of their family, label them and write a short story about them.
The little boy was a bit stunned. His fingers could not move. For a while his mind seemed to drift somewhere else. For a while he seemed to be looking for something. Or someone.
His tiny hands started to draw. Figures were made. For a while he was lost in his own world. He drew of a big house with a mountain backdrop. He thought of the color of the roof, the walls and the gates. He conjured images of the garden bursting with colors and surrounded with lush, green trees with the sun smiling down at them and a rainbow arching behind. Everything was falling into pieces. Then he came to his family. He drew his mother. The figure was as big as the house. Probably because his mother had a very close and intimate proximity in his own little world. Then he drew his younger brother and himself. His figure was obviously bigger than that of his brother but the proximity between him, his brother and his mother was really very close and huddled together. Especially his mom who got the biggest space among everything else. Then came the part for his dad. Suddenly, he did not know what to do. He tried to remember everything but there were only vague images. Sudden and fleeting images of his father carrying him, playing with him, reading stories for him. He was confused. He started to ask himself why. Why with mother, I could easily think of good and happy things, of happy times? Why were her pictures in my mind clear as if they were really happening at the time? Why with dad, everything seemed to be covered by smoke, everything was not seen clearly, everything was incomplete?
Yet, he had to follow teacher. She said draw members of the family. So as best as he could, he tried to draw a figure. A small figure. A figure just a little bigger than the little boy's. Upon closer look, the figure seemed to be far away and on the other side of the house. While the other three were huddled together, the dad's figure was obviously separated from them.
Then the boy stopped drawing. He thought it was all that he could do and that he did it right. He went to his teacher and had her check his work. The teacher was quite pleased with the boy's job and read the description he wrote under:

"This is our house. It is beautiful. There is a beautiful garden. I see the sun is happy. My brother and I are happy. Our mommy is with us. She takes care of us everyday. She is beautiful. She loves us very much.
That is our daddy. I can't remember his face very much. He works in Singapore. He is only with us for a short time. He goes to the airport and rides the airplane many times. Before, my mommy and I would cry because he would go away again. But I am a big boy now. Sometimes, when he goes away, I don't cry anymore. I don't know why. Sometimes I miss him, sometimes I don't. All I see is my mommy. She is very big and beautiful and kind. She loves me and my brother. We are a happy family even if we don't have daddy."

Lost Enthusiasm

I feel like I lost my enthusiasm already.

I do not know but I feel like I am already jaded and that people around me are just being pretentious of what's happening to them.

We have just finished our spiritual retreat but I feel more tired than refreshed. I just do not know. Maybe I am not so happy with where I am now.

I am happy with my husband. I am happy with my family and even if we don't have much money we don't experience lack and we get to pay the bills on time.

I am about to start my life as a student again even if it is only in a technical school.

I already had my period which meant that my ovaries are still functioning but deep inside I am hurting though I may not admit it.

I miss some of my friends. Those who are already not with us in the workplace. That's why I have been so sad.

I should have grieved. I should have expressed my emotions more when I lost them. I should have cried then.

Yet, I must accept the fact that they all went their own ways and that maybe they were just with me for a season.

All I need to do is to move on and to just simply move on.

I know it is not going to be that easy for me but by God's grace I will be healed from my feeling of lost.

Our life is really like a book. We are the main characters of our own books. People come to be the secondary characters but most of them have only an appointed time and when their time comes to leave, then  they will whether we like it or not. Life is really like that. We are also secondary characters of one's book. At our appointed time, we will also leave also.

This is not being a pessimist. I am just being realistic. Maybe they left a space in our life so that new characters can occupy them. And we'll be facing another chapter again.

I believe that I can move on. I am just sad but not devastated. Now I understand why I had been sad and did not care about others around me. I know me so well...(^^,)

As He Is

As he is...

I will accept him as he is.

I have been setting my expectations and standards too high.

Somehow, I have been pressuring him albeit subtly to be the ideal man that I have always wanted to have. Or the person that I have always wanted to be.

I have been placing him under pressure to be the person that I could engage intellectual and high-society talks with when in fact, he could not.

And probably could never be.

Not because he does not want to but to be practically honest he is not wired to be that way.

He is the type of person who only wants a very simple life. A simple existence as long as he is doing well, he is not sick, he eats enough to survive, he works and he sleeps. Of course he has his social life, he has his social circle and interests as well but not like mine.

In fact, we have very few things in common.

He is not into music; music has been a second life to me. He is not into books though he reads from time to time but not like the ones I enjoy reading. Reading for him is like a necessity; for me it's both a need and want.

He is not into paintings, maybe he has not yet heard about Van Gogh, Degas and Monet and classical music sounds boring to him when in fact all of these just stimulate my mind and my being.

We are indeed two worlds apart, so polarized yet so united.

Why? Because we cannot be without the other.

He takes good care of me. He understands my tantrums and puts up with my emotional outburst. He is the only one who I want to be with for he knows exactly how to handle my semi-volatile nature.

He is the only who can accept and understand me well. Though he may not become the intellectual giant that I dream of him to be.

He loves me. For him that's simple. Yet, I think I am just making things so overly complicated.

I don't know. I pray we can work things out. We can patch up our differences until we meet halfway.

I should not depend on him completely for my own happiness and fulfillment. I think I should take off the pressure of him.

Maybe, this is one way I can fully understand what love is all about. We don't have to be so alike.

We only have to understand each other and meet in the middle.

Post- "Looking Back" Post

Yes.

I was actually writing mine, technically typing last December 31, 2012. But I was too preoccupied because my fiance was beside me.

My fiance. He was actually the "highlight" of the year that was. From being such a sad girl waiting and looking for someone to love and to love me to a woman only waiting to be married 11 months from now.

He is not my ideal man. His grammar amuses me at times and his pronunciation sounds funny because he is from the Visayan region. He does not earn that much, just enough to get himself by.he did not even finish college. Far from the lawyer, doctor or engineer I was dreaming about. But he is a good man. A patient man. One who silently puts up with me, my bitchiness and my tantrums.

I did not love him at first. I actually disgusted him. He was just a friend, someone who I would talk to whenever I would feel sad and crave for attention especially from a man. I was in love with another man before him and I was not really taking him seriously.

But he was persistent. He felt something in his heart the first time he saw me. Though I was the noisiest and bitchiest girl he encountered, still he persisted and pursued me like crazy.

I really did not like him at first. Our second date was a disaster for that was the time I rejected him. I saw how pained he was, how sad he was that day but I did not care. I just went home and resolved not to talk with him again nor communicate with him again.

I even wanted to change my sim card again for the nth time but because I was thinking of the other man I was in love with that he might not be able to contact me again, I did not.

I thought he would stop but he did not. So I gave him my worst treatment. How I insulted him, said bad words to him and looked down on him. I talked with him condescendingly. But he endured everything. Sometimes I wanted to share with him some of my pride so he could have some.

I was still talking to the man I was initially in love with until he stopped communicating with me.

That opened the door for him. He gave me promises, he showered me with attention no one has ever given me before.

I was already confused that time. Torn between the man I loved and the man who loves me. Many people told me to choose the one who loved me for I could easily love that person.

I took that risk. And since then, I knew I did the right thing.

Of course, our relationship had its ups and downs. I had lots of expectations and ideals. I had to deal with a lot of issues in my life and I was even confronted by the past when the man I was first in love with came back. We were so close to fall apart already but I just could not let him go. He just could not let me go. We just could not let each other go.

We still had our ups and downs. I know there will still be many along the way. We stumbled, we were tempted, we did bad and silly things together. But we are still together. Five months after, we still love each other so much. And this is not just something romantic. This is really a choice, something real.

I am praying for our relationship this 2013. May God give our relationship grace and blessings. May we become more obedient and loving to Him. May He become the center of our relationship.

This relationship has brought out and I believe will still bring out the worst and the best in me. And I am thankful because I had him last year. And soon, we will be man and wife. I am praying for our relationship to become a blessing to others especially those around us.

I am thankful for everything. I am thankful for the past for it led me to my present. And I will still make the most out of my present for it will make or break the future we are still yet to see and anticipates the most. By God's grace. And by His blessings.

I am thankful for the answered prayer. He is not perfect, he is not who I really had in my mind but I think God in His loving and infinite wisdom gave him to me because he is the right one for me. The one who perfectly fits my personality.

I am thankful Lord. For the year that was. I am thankful. And this year, we will look forward to the blessings You are still yet to bestow on us.

Thank You Lord. For him.

Forgiveness is the Key

Forgiveness is the key.

Yes, I am disappointed with someone, my boss and I am also disappointed with my so-called friends. Yet, I am still grateful for these humbling experiences for they have taught me to become more humble and to rely on God more.

I thought this year in our level would be the best one for me, I had my hopes high, I set them so high. Yet, I have proven that this has become my worst but I guess I should refrain from calling it that way. I must say this year has been such an "educational" one for me.

I have learned not to really depend on other people as regards your security and status. People will really disappoint you most of the time and sadly these are the unlikeliest ones whom you thought at first will never let you down. I guess, I have just become so arrogant and so bitchy that I thought many people could tolerate me. Yet, I am wrong. Terribly wrong.

I have learned also to not be so trusting. Use wisdom and discernment that God graciously gives. I have also learned never to say bad things behind other people's back. That's so immature. And really evil. I was a perpetrator that turned into a victim and it is really painful.

I have learned my lessons well. Yet, I will still be grateful because I have learned something from them. I know better next time. I will be early to work, I will be more efficient and professional especially as regards my job and work and I will be a more productive individual albeit the negative things that surround me. Maybe I am just being pulled out from my comfort zone. Maybe life is trying to shake me and pump me up again to become a better individual so that God's plans will become more evident in my life.

I thank God for these humbling experiences. I forgive those people for they are just doing what they are meant to do in my life. I will learn from these experiences and will continue to look at the better and brighter side of things. I will do good regardless of what others think about me. I will conquer myself so that the better one, the one that God intends me to be will emerge.

Lord, I know I am just being pulled out of my comfort zone. Thank You for these setbacks for they are so humbling and really educational ones for me. Thank You Lord. Thank You for breaking my arrogance, thank You for pulling out the weed of pride and irresponsibility in me. Thank You Lord.

I will bounce back with a vengeance. Hahahahahaha!!!

Feeling Isolated...

Sometimes, I feel isolated.

Isolated from the person I love the most.

It seems like he is not really interested in what I do and who I am.

He does not go deep into my soul.

I feel isolated. Really I do.

It is like I am still walking my own road, my own path. It is like I am being loved for what I can give not for who I am.

I feel so sad about it. Really I do.

Saying Goodbye To The One I Truly Love

I am saying goodbye to you.
You who I have learned to love and have learned to let go for how many times already.
I have given my heart now to someone who loves me dearly. And I believe I can love him as much as I do you or even more.

I thought I could wait. I thought I could be that foolish to hold on to something so uncertain, so unreal. Yet, now I have already waken up from my bittersweet dream.

Goodbye, my true love. Goodbye and may you also have your own heart's desires.

I am going my own way now, with the person who loves me, with the person who values me. With the person who I know will not hurt me the way you did for so many times.

Goodbye and yes, if we'll see each other again I can look you in the eyes and tell you, thank you for letting me find my own way and find the person who I can give my heart and love to.

The person who really deserves it and the person who I know is just good to and for me.

Goodbye my love and may God always take care of you and protect you.

Uncomplicated

I am not complicated. I am not. I know that. I just don't like something when I am making it so. That's all. Many people have been telling me that I am so complicated. I make things complicated. No. I think I am just trying to find a way out. Way out of something that I know will not get me anywhere and something I know I don't want to be in the first place. No, I am just a simple girl. The yes-no type. I am more into dichotomous response. Everything should be black or white for me. No gray areas. Everything clear. Someone I liked in the past told me I was complicated. No, it's just that my feelings for him would get me nowhere. Someone who I thought I liked and really likes me told me last night that I was complicated. No, it's just that I don't feel like being with him that's all. Maybe, I just did not want to hurt anyone's feelings. So I tried to be politically correct as much as possible. Yet, when doing so I am being tagged as someone who has such a topsy-turvy mind. All I want is someone who can stimulate me. Someone who can be my partner in life. Someone who can really be my partner. Someone who is stable, someone who has a clear vision for himself. No, he does not have to so rich nor handsome. Not that kind. He only has to have God in his heart and he has to be stable in all aspects of his life because he will me and we'll have our children when we are together. I am not complicated. I just know what I want in life and I am going to stick to it.

Dear Papa

Dear Papa, I am sorry for everything I did. For being rebellious at times and for disrespecting you in ways unimaginable. I am sorry for my disobedience, for my being biased towards mama. I am sorry if you ever felt that we love you less. I am also sorry for insulting you before. For looking down at your job. How foolish I was to think that way. The job that I condescendingly look down to is the same job that has provided food on our table, has given us a good house and community, has provided for us all through the years. You are not perfect. You have your flaws but those things do not give us any reason to become disrespectful towards you. Papa, I am sorry. Albeit my strong-willed personality, my obstinacy and hard-headedness, deep inside I am still a little girl who wants to have your approval. Who wants to be loved by you. Papa, I am sorry I cannot be like you. You know what? I met a guy who is just like you. He was initially not my type but probably the reason why I am holding on to him is because I want to fulfill your dreams to have a son like you through him. My brothers are not like you so maybe deep inside the recesses of my heart lies this desire to give you what you have always dreamed of. Realizing that if I could do it, if he were to become my husband, then you will have someone in the family whom you will have something in common with. Papa, I am sorry. I was not able to make it. I was not able to do it. Maybe because God, my Heavenly Father has a better and more beautiful plan for me. Yet, papa, inspite of this, I will still love you just as much. I by God's grace, will do my best to become a good, loving and obedient daughter. Though we fought terribly before, it does not mean that I love you less. It just made me feel guilty and more sorry than ever. Happy Father's Day tomorrow, Papa! May God always guide you and may He bless the works of your hands. May your life be anchored in Him always. I love you, papa. Take care. BEE

Emotional Rollercoaster

I learned many things today. I am tired. It was such an emotional roller coaster ride. I am tired of it. Very tired. It was a mind opener. I am not sad. Only I was given a way out. I am tired. I am not going to feel any insecurity anymore. I will become more confident of myself and will love myself more for this is who I am and made of. I think it would be better to just let that person go. How do I feel each time something happens that involves him? I feel this up and downs of emotions. There is no security. Only insecurity. I deserve better than this. I deserve better than made to feel like I am just a second fiddle. My heart and life and love are too precious to be trampled on. And they are to be given to that someone who really deserves them fully. Lord, I need Your guidance and Your protection now. Help me. Help me. Help me to be stronger to deal with this tempest. Something's coming up and I know I cannot do it all alone. I cannot do it without You. Help me. Help me not to put my heart above my head. Help me to become wiser, stronger and more patient especially as regards my faith. Thank You very much.

Control issues

I am thinking right now. How the turn or events for the past one week has sent me down into downward spiral again. I was on the brink of sickness only probably I have a better and stronger immune system. It all started last week when we started talking again. I really have to accept the fact that I could not just avoid him that easy. We stopped talking for two months. I thought things ended already but he was the one who made the move to find me again. And he did find me. So things and thoughts started swirling inside my lovely head again. Then my mother who was always negative about him kept on injecting negative things and ideas on him in my head. I became so sad. It pained me a lot. But now, I have given things some thoughts. Yes, he does not like me a lot the way I do to him but I can do some things for him to see right through me. I know, I need to improve some areas of my personality but I need to maintain my being "me." Unlike before. Yes, I like him, I want to take care of him, I am so in love with his family and I am going to fight for him. So he can also fight for me as well. I am not closing doors for him. Yet, I am doing these things not just for him but for me as well. Either ways, it will be a win-win situation for me. If he would not fall in love with me albeit the progress and transformation, then we are not really meant for each other. I used to fight for William before. I seemed to move almost all the heavens and the earth just for him to like me. It did not work. For we were not meant to be. Not because something was wrong with me. Only we were not really meant for each other. I hope this time, this would last. I will pray. I will pray for a miracle. I will do something about myself, I will make myself even more beautiful and classy, stronger and smarter. More talented and just high class. A very high class female. Probably I might catch his eyes this time. If not, then I will just move on. No more negative thoughts nor negative feelings. Only doing what's best and becoming more proactive for what will be the best. St. Augustine said it well, "Do what you can do and pray for something you cannot do." That's what I am going to do. Aja!

Save This Heart

This is my plea right now. He came back. He found me again. And I am afraid that I will get hurt again just like before. I know I have such deep feelings for him and I am really praying for someone to save my heart from falling for him again. Yes, I fell for him. And yes, even after two months of losing touch there he was again and he was being a bit more attentive than before. I hate him. I hate him so much for making me suffer like this. My heart is really crying right now. Because I thought I did not have any feelings for him anymore until that day he texted telling me that he searched for my number. I don't know. All I know is that old wounds are being opened again. I am still in love with him. It really saddens me a lot. I had to change my number again. I don't want to go through the same pain again. No, not anymore. God, please send someone, somebody who will same my heart to keep from falling for him again.

Setbacks and Backfires

I entitled my post today "Setbacks and Backfires." It all started last Wednesday when we went to the clinic to have my mother checked by her doctor. I weighed myself again since there was an available scale in my cousin's office. The last time I weighed myself, that was more than a month ago, I was 136 lbs. I told myself come vacation time, I would lose again the added 10 lbs. and lose the other 6 to achieve my ideal weight. Alas! last Wednesday, when I weighed again, my cousin told me that I weighed 142 lbs. So that means, I added another 6 lbs. in my already overweight body. I don't know. I just finished my lunch that time. Was it just only the added food inside my tummy that time of the day when I scaled myself or did I really added more pounds in my body? Then last Thursday, my friend and her nephew came to our house. The child, feisty as he was jokingly teased me that I was still fat, that I added more weight and that I was a pig. My friend took our pictures and the images were not lying. I really looked fat. I am still fat. I am indeed fat. That was the last straw. What, with all those painful exercises that I have been doing, with all those efforts that I have been making, I still weighed more and looked even "more." I feel pathetic. I thought I would not be affected anymore but here I am hiding my depression and my disappointment with myself. As a result, I did destructive stuff again, things that aggravated my not-so-good condition anymore, physically and spiritually. And it affected my emotions a lot. I wanted to cry. I was doing all I could. But it seems like nothing is happening. I even looked worst. Or am I? The question, am I eating the right food? Am I still doing the right exercises? According to the articles I read before, the body would become accustomed to the exercises that we have been doing for a long time already that there would be no results anymore. I am not going back to that miserable 170 lbs. anymore. 142 lbs. is where I will stop then it will go downhill again. I am not feeling well, really. I feel sad and depressed. Yet, there's no point in giving up. My body is already used to exercising. Only today I did not exercise because I am putting to rest my already tired and strained muscles. I guessed I have not been so kind to my body these days. I am just bothered by the remarks I will be getting when we are asked to come back to school a week and a half from now. I am just bothered by the sorry feelings my colleagues might be heaping upon me, asking me rhetorically what happened to me and why did I become fat again? I guess, I should not be wearing that blouse anymore. But that would be just sheer in denial on my part. What do I do now? I have long since hit the plateau of my losing weight agenda. To add more insult to the injury, I ate a lot of sweets, munched tons of junkies and dug in much unhealthy food. I guess, the reason my exercise does not pay me off anymore is because it is like garbage in, garbage out for me and my body. It all started last November. 6 months ago. I still have many months to go. Besides, it is my friend's wedding in December. I need to be in tip-top shape. I guess, I need to discipline myself more. To control and help myself to curb its unhealthy cravings. I am longing for some bananas. I will just eat bananas for snacks from now on. I will not deprive myself totally of sinful foods but I will eat less of them from now on. And just continue with my exercise. And other body movements. For now, I will wash the dishes then my clothes then cut some weeds in the garden then walk tonight just like what I was doing before. I will continue my fight on healthy living and losing weight. My motto: Never say never!

Paggamit ng Aming Wika

Ako ay may biglang naisip... Aking naisip na nang simulan ko ang paggawa ng Blog na ito, puro na lamang Ingles ang wikang aking ginagamit. Nakakatawa ngunit kapag ako ay nagsusulat sa wikang yaon, hindi ako nahihirapan, pawang ang mga salita ay patuloy na dumadaloy sa aking isip at aking naititipa dito sa aking makabagong makinilya. Ngunit ngayon, ako ay pawang nahihirapan na mag-isip ng mga salitang ititipa at kahit ang aking talasalitaan ay kailangan ko pang isipin ng mabuti. Nakalulungkot sapagkat kahit ang salitang Filipino para sa "grammar" ay akin ng nakalimutan. Hindi ko kasi palagiang ginagamit. Napapanahon na marahil na ako ay magsulat muli gamit ang aking sariling wika. Oo, hindi ko kalilimutan ang Ingles ngunit hindi ito nangangahulugang ito na lamang ang aking laging gagamitin. Nakalulungkot sapagkat heto ako, nagsasabing minamahal ang aking bansa ngunit pagdating sa aking sariling wika, ako ay nangangapa. Aking nababatid na ang wikang Filipino ay hindi madaling aralin. Ito ay masalimuot hindi tulad pag Ingles ang ating inaral. Nangangailangan na sa paggamit at pagsasalita ng Filipino, nababatid ng nagsasalita nito ang konteksto ng sinasabi ng isang tao. Ito ay sa kadahilanang maaaring magkaroon ng hindi pagkakaunawaan ang dalawang taong nag-uusap. Halimbawa, kapag ikaw ay nagtanong ng "nakain ka na ba?" sa iba lalo na sa mga taga Metro Manila, ito ay nangangahulugang ikaw ay kinain o nginuya. Ikaw ay nagmistulang pagkain. Ngunit kung sa Cavite mo iyan gagamitin, ito ay nagtatanong lamang kung ikaw ba ay tapos ng kumain. Masalimuot, diba? Sa aking palagay, kailangan ko ulit magbasa at mag-aral ng wikang Filipino. Ayoko ng makain ng hindi tamang paniniwala at sistemang kapag Ingles ang ginagamit mo, ikaw ay matalino, ikaw ay mataas na uri ng tao. Na kapag Filipino ang ginagamit mo, ikaw ay hindi maalam at nakakahiya. Maganda at mabulaklak ang wikang Filipino. Kailangan ko lamang itong hasain muli sa aking isipan. Wikang Filipino, ako ay patawarin mo sapagkat ikaw ay aking napabayaan sa aking isipan. Na ako ay nahihiya sapagkat ikaw ay aking ikinahiya. Ako ay patawarin mo nang hindi kita minahal at pinahalagahan ng nararapat. Ito ay dala marahil ng kabatirang dahil ikaw naman ay aking laging ginagamit sa pakikipag-usap kahalo ang Ingles kaya naging Taglish, hindi na kailangang ikaw ay akin pang aralin at gamitin sa aking sining na nagagawa. Patawarin mo ako at ng Poong Maykapal sa aking pambabalewala aking sariling pinagmulan at wikang nakagisnan.

Rent-A-Boyfriend Scheme

Last night, I was browsing some things on Youtube when I stumbled upon this short video clip of a show in Japan. It was actually disturbingly pitiful. There, they have this thing called "Rent-A-Boyfriend". From what I watched last night, there was a single woman there probably my age or a bit older who was still single. She worked in a 24/7 hair salon in Japan and I think she spent most of her time there. Then for her socialization, she would often go to clubs, host clubs as they called it wherein she would "rent" a "man" to be her "host" to "entertain" her for the night. For a fee of course and I believe the amount was not a joke. There, they would share stories, they would pour her drinks which of course were also expensive and they would drink the night away. Afterwards, when all the drinks were spent and they were tired and bored already, they would bid themselves adieu and that was it. I just felt sad for the woman for looking at her and hearing her speak though I could not understand her (thanks for the subtitles), I still could sense the deep sadness and hurt she was having in her heart. That she would even go to that extent just to find company, just to get attention that she needed. That she was willing to pay such a huge amount of hard-earned money just for those services that we could actually get and give for free if we were not so self-absorbed and selfish. Yet, I think it was her choice. According to her, she lived far from her own family and in fact they did not have any idea where she lived. Probably, they had not seen one another for a long time already. I am not so sure also if she had any friends, female friends. As with sex, well according to her, she could just call any of her ex-boyfriends if they felt like doing it. That was it. Very casual. Very shallow. Very sad. She did not want commitment. She did not believe in marriage. Maybe, she had her own family history so who am I to judge her? I just feel sad for her. Really I do. Thinking about my own life, I am grateful for I do not have to go that length just to feel loved and accepted. No, I am not saying these things in a condescending manner but I just feel so blessed that I do not have to pay for love and affection. That I have my own immediate, albeit dysfunctional family who I know at the end of the day still has concern for me. That I have friends, albeit few I know are sincere and true. That I have a social circle, albeit minimal still is a sensible one. And most of all, I have God albeit unseen I know is still here, ever present, ever felt. I do not have much money, my work will never make me a rich person but I know that it does makes sense and it helps me become a better person, helping me find my life's purpose. Compared to that Japanese woman's life, though she may have a seemingly independent, free-spirited and charmed life, I still have a more meaningful one. And that makes it sadder all the same. Sadder for her, I mean. I have this compelling feeling to just pray for that woman whoever she is. Though I may not know her and perhaps will never will, still she is still a human being who needs God and people in her life to make her feel complete. She needs God more than anyone else so that she will not have to pay for any man's services just to make her feel loved and happy. I still do not have a boyfriend. Yes, I had my bouts of depression and insecurities but seeing that woman's life, I just feel so guilty from being so. Yet, I am not undermining these feelings for they were true during those moments but looking on a proper perspective, there has to be a reason why I am still a single woman. That I still have to learn a lot of things as a single person for I will never pass this way again once I am hitched already. Of course, I still want to have a family of my own, I really love to have my own kids to nurture and my husband to take care of and partner with but probably it is not yet my time. I still have things to finish like my studies. I think I have a purpose, a profound one that is why I am studying this course. Going back to that woman, I just hope that she would have the chance to get to know God in a deeper way. That she would be able to open her heart to Him. I also pray for those guys who worked as hosts, for them to have a transformation and change the way they're living. I believe they are not bad as they are, only they were not doing the right things. I just hope that people would be more sensitive to the need of others, that we become more compassionate and loving especially to those who are wounded and unloved. And it can start with me. I pray that it could start with me.

Missed Writing

I miss this. This writing thing. Yes, okay fine. This is not literally writing but typing my ideas and thoughts away. But the heck with terminology! It's still the same activity with the same purpose only the means to do so is different. Yes, I was in a not-so-good state for the past two weeks and all because of my own doings. I had my bouts of insecurity and I even went as far as thinking that I was the ugliest girl in the world. Ridiculous, isn't it? I am not going to tell about my lovelife anymore for it still the same though I have a new crush. Yes, from our church and he is really my crush. Nothing so serious. I just hope I could get to know his name and meet him one of these days. The problem with me you know,is that I could easily attach myself emotionally to a crush without really getting to know the person properly to say that I really like him. That was why I kept on falling and falling at the wrong but the same places. I will make sure this time, I will make the better choices and will act more rationally. My last emotional fiasco was really a sham but it taught me a great deal of lessons. Probably, as the days will go by, I will be able to fully come to terms with my feelings and how I perceived that person to be. I only had wrong notions of him, created crazy ideas about him and I ended up wounded and offended. Because of what happened, I was compelled to avoid some people even went as far as letting them go fully from my life. Anyway, I also felt that they did not want me in theirs anyway. So that was it. No, I have accepted that already. That's life and that's people. That's human nature at its finest. Maybe we were just so different as in painfully at that that they could not really understand me and them, I could not as well. But I am not closing any doors. Maybe the time was just not that...right. I am more at peace now. Thank God. I thank Him for everything, for not letting me go and for just picking me up as I ran head first to garbage. I thank Him for cleansing me again and now, I am sober again. Thank You so much, Father. Anyway, I am running of ideas already. Ironically I feel hunger pangs inside my tummy. I already ate my snacks this afternoon. This is just probably thirst hiding under the guise of hunger pangs. I will read again later. Then if ideas will come swirling in my head again, I will go back straight to you.