Waste of Time

I am faced with reality now. I am now given the chance to look at things realistically. I am now given the gift of looking at things in their proper prospective.

Things will not work out between us. Unless he is really indeed trying to get to know me. But no. He is not. No effort whatsoever. I can't understand things. Or properly put it, things don't happen the way I understand them so I am like this.

He does not call. He only texts from time to time telling me about his whereabouts no more, no less. There is no deepening. No seed of anything will grow if things go on like this. I am tired. I was the only one who made the conversation going. And already, I came to the point that I already had nothing left to say nor ask so I had to stop.

Stop this foolishness, stop this stupidity. There is life out there for me. There are people I am yet to meet and relationships I need to nurture more and care for . Our relationship is basically...nothing. Just a mere acquaintance. And I am tired of this.

I want ours to grow deeper. But no, it does not happen. I don't even know how to maintain a sensible conversation with him, let alone start a meaningful one. If I could metaphorically describe it, ours is like a shallow and stagnant fountain. It just goes round and round in the same place. It does not go anywhere. Boring...

I don't know. All I want to do is just to go on and move on with my life. That's all.

My efforts to be close to him were all in vain. It was only a waste of time. My seemingly relationship with him was only a waste of time. I have other and better things to do.

I must admit that I am hurt because I am treated this way. I cannot help but ask myself sometimes, what if I were the typical peaches-and-cream that he likes? What if I were endowed with a beauty queen-like beauty, would he be treating me the same way?

These are just questions but they really hurt my ego and self-esteem. But who is he in the first place? He is just a seaman, someone that if I were the same, old me with very high yardsticks when it comes to choice of men, he would not be in the top ten list in the first place. I am just now at the age and season when I already lowered down my standards already to give myself a chance. But probably lowering down my standards did not benefit me at all.

Those men are just masochists, chauvinist pigs who think they own the world because they have heaps of money. What if the international maritime industry would not accept Filipino seamen anymore, where would they go? I am now thinking.

Oh, I am becoming condescending again. Maybe because I am in real pain and this is how I am coping. I am now guarding my heart. I am sticking to my resolves. There will be no texting him anymore. There will be nothing anymore. I will erase our contacts and this time, I will do it for real.

Good thing he stopped texting already. Maybe that was an answered prayer. If he is not meant for me, then he will stop. Indeed, he did. So there's no point of me still saving his number.

This is just sad things have to end up like this. This time around, my mind will dominate me. Until the day I will open my heart again to that one true love God has intended me to have.