Decided

I have decided.

Yes, I have decided to indeed give myself the respect and love it really deserves.

I decided to cut all my communications with him and even with the people who are connected to him and me.

I did this because at the end of the day, I have realized that it is I who really matter and it is I who really could do something about it.

There's no pity party anymore. There will be no room for what if's or for any regret. Cutting our communication was one of the best decisions I have made in my life.

Yes, I still have feelings for him. My spiritual retreat and my encounter with God could not take the feelings away,just yet. In time, I will be totally healed by His grace and there will come a day that I will just laugh about the silliness and the craziness and the changes of sim cards that I did all throughout my ordeal.

It was the best thing for me to do. Though I still miss him and still pine for him if I have to be honest with myself, I really needed to let go. Because my interaction with him was not really healthy for me after all. I experienced lots of "diseases." Bouts of illusions, paranoiditis (extreme at that), episodes of depressions and chronic insecurities. The question is, was he worth all of these? Were his messages, his boring text messages worth all of these? I don't think so. These were unhealthy symptoms and mind you, they were not easy to handle and take.

I am so grateful to God for helping me get out of the mess I was throwing myself into. I am so thankful that He never gave up and that He gave me wisdom to choose what was the best thing for me to do. I will always be grateful to Him, my Heavenly Father.

In time, I will be healed. Probably in the future we could still be good friends and we could be comfortable with each other. For now, I really need to guard my heart and to give back to myself the self-respect I inadvertently yet willingly lost. I need to obey God and have Him have His way in me. Though I will say that it is not easy. If only I could just erase my emotions, if only I could just stop really caring for him.

What made me decide? I just felt that it was wrong that I was actually giving him a part of myself, of my heart with the way I was showing concern for him. With the way that I cared for him, I was already investing to him my emotions. My precious yet fragile emotions. While he, he was only probably thinking that what we were doing were just nothing. They were just "simple" and "harmless" text messages sent to a friend by a friend. Nothing. He could just take for granted and forget in a minute. Yet for me, everything was already precious. See the difference? It was like I was giving diamonds and he was only paying for the price of bronze. Unfair, isn't it?

So I made up my mind. I really did. And though it is not easy I know I will make it through. By God's grace. All by God's grace.

I will still pray for him. He will still be included in my prayers. But no communication. If he wants to be friends with me, make time for me, he should come to my house and invest in me. That's the proper way to do it.

For I am a child of God. I am His precious and treasured princess.