Year-end self-Inventory

Day 1, December 31, 2010
Now, the time for me to make my year-ender self-inventory. I always do this every 31st of December just to look back, think about and learn from the things that I did, did not do and could have done.

This year, I planned to do many things and despite the setbacks and other challenges hurled at me, somehow I was able to accomplish most of the things I planned to do.

First was to take my Master's degree. Though I was a bit disappointed with myself when the test results came out, still it was a way for me to see that it was God who made me enter and pass that school, that it was really His plan so no matter what, I would still be there and yes, I am there now. I was actually having apprehensions regarding the major that I have taken but I have started that already, enjoying those times I go to school and was able to finally come to terms with a classmate who I thought would be unbearable for me to be with. The test result, me being in the "under probation" status actually humbled me and made me realized that it is only in God I could really depend upon. No arrogant and self-sufficiency thinking for me from now on.

Next are the changes that happened in our department. Most of my close friends last school year were gone this year and it felt like I was alone. I thought I would not be able to make it, there were some bouts of minor depressions and childish self- imposed isolation but eventually I was able to adjust well and in fact, became closer and has learned to appreciate the new people in our department. One thing I have learned is not to depend too much on people for my happiness and welfare because even if some of them were really well-meaning and loving friends, like Claire sooner or later our paths would still go different ways. Another thing is that I should learn to be more independent and responsible to myself, to do what I am asked to do and not to leave the job to anyone else. Just like what happened when Sir Arnel was still with us. We became somehow "paralytically dependent" on him thus making this year a bit difficult for us.

Which of course would pave the way to another lesson I have learned this year. That I should not put too much trust on people no matter how kind or trustworthy they may seem at the outset. For there will come a time that they may betray you, inadvertently or not. Always leave room for a little doubt until you'd be able to fully know the kind of person you are dealing with.

Another significant thing that happened to me this year was when I changed my home church. I just got fed up with my former church and its people and my leader that time so I just opted to leave. I noticed myself that time that I was already complaining too much about their system, about their "unfair" treatment so I just left. Now, I am attending another church and I am happy there though still finding my way into the hearts of the brethren there. By the grace of God, may I accomplish it this coming year so that I will gradually develop as a Christian.

Then of course, on a lighter note, I was able to watch that expensive musicale "Cats." That was one special experience for me because it was really costly and somehow it opened my eyes to my current situation now. Because when I watched it, I was able to see the big differences between the haves and the have-nots. I have been dreaming to watch it actually and when I did, my eyes were opened to strive harder for myself and my family so that I would not just "simply" walk away from the theater as I go home but I would be picked up by a car or I would pick up my own car in the parking lot. I tried my best not to look so pathetic that day, I stayed away from that defeating feeling called "self-pity" and told myself that one day, I would have a better view of an expensive musicale brought there and picked up by my shining car. Hehehehehe!!!

Day 2 January 1, 2011

It is now the start of the new year so I might as well greet myself "Happy New Year!" I wasn't able to finish my inventory last night because I had lots of distractions and my eyes hurt so badly that I really had to stop much as I wanted to resume. I can say that we had a different celebration last night for this place where we live now was quite "reserved" on its celebration. You see, this place consists of mostly the upper-middle to middle-middle ( this I only conjured myself) class families. We belong to the latter so we are here. Some of our neighbors were not in their homes and there were very few who used firecrackers. Good thing, since this place is a bit sophisticated, we were able to witness some very nice and lovely aerial fireworks and they were really very beautiful. Also, because of the nature of this place being a bit reserved and classy, I and my siblings went out to go to the clubhouse to witness the fireworks' display we thought being done there. To our dismay, nothing was happening in the clubhouse and in fact the displays we saw were being done a bit far away from our place. As we were about to go home, some homeowners were lighting that dreadful "Sinturon ni Judas" so we were not able to go home immediately. We felt "trapped" already because knowing that those scary firecrackers had just been lighted on our path going home, we could not take the risk of walking on that street for fear of stepping on some "unused" ones. Our brother decided to take the shortcut but being panicky and almost on the verge of hysteria, I and my sister were not able to follow him. We tried to find other streets, long cuts or short ones to no avail. So we followed our "survival instincts" and tried to find the shortcut he was able to find and thank God, we got home safely. Lesson learned, never to go out when it's already firing outside or we'll get "trapped" again. Whew!

Anyway, I must get on with my inventory. Last year, yes I was able to accomplish lots of things without me even noticing them. Until one day, before our Christmas vacation, as I was having bouts of minor depression and severe burn-out, I talked to our team facilitator and told her of my dilemma. It was about my family or I thought it was. You see, at the time, as I was having those very low moments of my life, I had become so grouchy and even the tiniest problem could really tick me off. I became easily irritable at the time and I vented out my feelings to the nearest possible and plausible outlets I could find. Because of that not-so-good attitude, I know I almost or really could have burned bridges with other people and colleagues who could have been good friends to me. Anyway, one thing I have learned from those incidents is to not accept and accept responsibilities. That to accept I am not "Superwoman" and I could only do so much. I have limitations. At the time, I felt so burned-out and tired that I even neglected to fix myself and to properly take good care of my well-being. The result? A walking "Ms. Frankeinstein." That was really terrible. The good thing about it was I immediately sought help when vacation time started from a book I bought from National Bookstore about dealing and handling stress. The good thing about it is that the book is for women like me. It's by Sue Augustine and it's entitled "Sanity Secrets for Stressed-out Women." Very timely and appropriate title for me. I have learned many things from that book since I have started reading it. Now, I will value myself more and yes, always remember not to bite more that I can chew. That I know I am good because of God's grace so I don't really have to prove myself that I am.

The year 2010 also was a bit of a roller-coaster ride for my lovelife. Of course, I still don't have a boyfriend and I have kinda let myself let go of that issue of my life.Maybe I have just become to tired to even think about it with all the stuffs that happened to me this year. This year was a bit of a hallmark for my so-called "Lovelife Yardstick" for I actually fell in love with guys who were the same age as my younger brother. Yes, I fell for someone who was four years younger than me before and at the time I thought it was a bit gross but this year having fallen in love with two guys almost six years younger than me without feeling any apprehension and full of justification, that was really very different. I, who was always very particular with age and other qualifications found myself thinking it was already okay for me to even ponder of ending myself up with a guy so many years younger than I am. That age is not really an issue when it comes to love. So that was it. I lowered down my standards and in the end, I ended up with neither of the guys. The first one does not belong to the same circle I am with and the other (who I guessed was more intense) though belongs to the same circle as I am is with another girl. So, nothing happened. But somehow the experience opened my eyes about standards and not making very high ones for I might letting a very good chance pass me by.

To sum it all up, by God's grace, I was able to make it through the year 2010 and looking back, I have realized that somehow I have accomplished the plans I made in the beginning of that year. Of course, the other ones did not become fruitful but then those things actually led me to the fruitful ones and that is one thing I should always be thankful for. 2010 was already finished, it ended last night but it doesn't mean that the plans I made that year would end as well. Of course, this year 2011 is the year of continuation. And the other years to come God willing I am still existing. Yet, it does not also mean that my plans will end just there. I will continue the ones I have started as I make other ones. But this time, those things that I will do and want to happen in my life will be even more realistic, doable and yes, sustainable. And I am starting to do just that, now.

Can't Do It All Alone

I am human. Only human. I make mistakes, small ones, big ones, petty or terrible, bad or worst of its kind. We all have this tendency and it's all part of our human nature.
Yet, it does not give us any right to continue living, making mistakes and thinking we are getting away from their consequences after all. For sooner or later it will haunt us down relentlessly leaving us disturbed,disoriented, weak and feeling like a sore loser.
The good news is we are not in this alone. All the more than six billion people here on earth commit mistakes be they intentional or not. And the best news of it all is that we have One who will lead us back to the right track. We have One who understands how futile our human nature is and how sinful it has become over the years. We have One who knows what's inside us and what goes on in our minds and hearts. That One is no other than Jesus who is the reason for this season. The One who has been there to help us when we feel like the world is already closing in on us ready to pounce on us like a big terrible lion to devour us. Jesus who died to redeem us from our sinfulness and make us pure and whole.
I have been through such a spiritual battle, what I call the "dark hours" or my soul and I have led myself to believe that I could do it on my own. That I could surpass those trials with only myself fighting for my survival. Yet, at the end of the day, I would feel so tired, weak, restless and hopeless for I knew deep down in my heart, I was still a loser and I could not do all things on my own.
Indeed, the enemy strikes us at our weakest points. He knows all the right spots and he knows what to hit you with. This is the time that we need to rely more on God, trust Him, call out to His name and never for once think that we could manage fighting him all by ourselves.
I was guilty of this folly. I thought I was strong, that I could resist the enemy but then I would just find myself waking up that he already has a stronghold on me again. This would not have happened if I truly allowed God to show me the weakest points of my heart and let Him work on those sensitive areas.
I have realized that our weakest points are indeed what we desire the most. And that, the enemy is what has been trying to distort to us thus eventually destroying us.
I am not yet spiritually matured. God knows all my struggles and now, I have realized by His grace that the same thing I have always wanted the most could be the very reason for my destruction.
It is not bad to desire something. It is good in fact but we have by His grace should know how to put things in their proper perspective. That to want something is not to make an idol out of it but rather a reason more to come closer to God and let Him do His work in our lives.
The road to real Christianity is not easy. It is a struggle actually. Not just a once-in-a-lifetime package of trials and challenges but a daily one in fact. Let us not be led into this false belief that being a Christian leads to an easy life. With the kind of world that we have right now, spiritual complacency is highly discouraged and an everyday appeal to and communication with Jesus for help and guidance is essentially recommended in order for us to fight the real enemy, the devil.
I am very inspired by this verse from 1 John 2:1(NLT) "My dear children, I am writing this to you so that you will not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate who pleads our case before the Father. He is Jesus Christ, the one who is truly righteous."
On our own, we lose all the battles but with Jesus, we are always sure winners.