Uncomplicated

I am not complicated. I am not. I know that. I just don't like something when I am making it so. That's all. Many people have been telling me that I am so complicated. I make things complicated. No. I think I am just trying to find a way out. Way out of something that I know will not get me anywhere and something I know I don't want to be in the first place. No, I am just a simple girl. The yes-no type. I am more into dichotomous response. Everything should be black or white for me. No gray areas. Everything clear. Someone I liked in the past told me I was complicated. No, it's just that my feelings for him would get me nowhere. Someone who I thought I liked and really likes me told me last night that I was complicated. No, it's just that I don't feel like being with him that's all. Maybe, I just did not want to hurt anyone's feelings. So I tried to be politically correct as much as possible. Yet, when doing so I am being tagged as someone who has such a topsy-turvy mind. All I want is someone who can stimulate me. Someone who can be my partner in life. Someone who can really be my partner. Someone who is stable, someone who has a clear vision for himself. No, he does not have to so rich nor handsome. Not that kind. He only has to have God in his heart and he has to be stable in all aspects of his life because he will me and we'll have our children when we are together. I am not complicated. I just know what I want in life and I am going to stick to it.

Dear Papa

Dear Papa, I am sorry for everything I did. For being rebellious at times and for disrespecting you in ways unimaginable. I am sorry for my disobedience, for my being biased towards mama. I am sorry if you ever felt that we love you less. I am also sorry for insulting you before. For looking down at your job. How foolish I was to think that way. The job that I condescendingly look down to is the same job that has provided food on our table, has given us a good house and community, has provided for us all through the years. You are not perfect. You have your flaws but those things do not give us any reason to become disrespectful towards you. Papa, I am sorry. Albeit my strong-willed personality, my obstinacy and hard-headedness, deep inside I am still a little girl who wants to have your approval. Who wants to be loved by you. Papa, I am sorry I cannot be like you. You know what? I met a guy who is just like you. He was initially not my type but probably the reason why I am holding on to him is because I want to fulfill your dreams to have a son like you through him. My brothers are not like you so maybe deep inside the recesses of my heart lies this desire to give you what you have always dreamed of. Realizing that if I could do it, if he were to become my husband, then you will have someone in the family whom you will have something in common with. Papa, I am sorry. I was not able to make it. I was not able to do it. Maybe because God, my Heavenly Father has a better and more beautiful plan for me. Yet, papa, inspite of this, I will still love you just as much. I by God's grace, will do my best to become a good, loving and obedient daughter. Though we fought terribly before, it does not mean that I love you less. It just made me feel guilty and more sorry than ever. Happy Father's Day tomorrow, Papa! May God always guide you and may He bless the works of your hands. May your life be anchored in Him always. I love you, papa. Take care. BEE

Emotional Rollercoaster

I learned many things today. I am tired. It was such an emotional roller coaster ride. I am tired of it. Very tired. It was a mind opener. I am not sad. Only I was given a way out. I am tired. I am not going to feel any insecurity anymore. I will become more confident of myself and will love myself more for this is who I am and made of. I think it would be better to just let that person go. How do I feel each time something happens that involves him? I feel this up and downs of emotions. There is no security. Only insecurity. I deserve better than this. I deserve better than made to feel like I am just a second fiddle. My heart and life and love are too precious to be trampled on. And they are to be given to that someone who really deserves them fully. Lord, I need Your guidance and Your protection now. Help me. Help me. Help me to be stronger to deal with this tempest. Something's coming up and I know I cannot do it all alone. I cannot do it without You. Help me. Help me not to put my heart above my head. Help me to become wiser, stronger and more patient especially as regards my faith. Thank You very much.

Control issues

I am thinking right now. How the turn or events for the past one week has sent me down into downward spiral again. I was on the brink of sickness only probably I have a better and stronger immune system. It all started last week when we started talking again. I really have to accept the fact that I could not just avoid him that easy. We stopped talking for two months. I thought things ended already but he was the one who made the move to find me again. And he did find me. So things and thoughts started swirling inside my lovely head again. Then my mother who was always negative about him kept on injecting negative things and ideas on him in my head. I became so sad. It pained me a lot. But now, I have given things some thoughts. Yes, he does not like me a lot the way I do to him but I can do some things for him to see right through me. I know, I need to improve some areas of my personality but I need to maintain my being "me." Unlike before. Yes, I like him, I want to take care of him, I am so in love with his family and I am going to fight for him. So he can also fight for me as well. I am not closing doors for him. Yet, I am doing these things not just for him but for me as well. Either ways, it will be a win-win situation for me. If he would not fall in love with me albeit the progress and transformation, then we are not really meant for each other. I used to fight for William before. I seemed to move almost all the heavens and the earth just for him to like me. It did not work. For we were not meant to be. Not because something was wrong with me. Only we were not really meant for each other. I hope this time, this would last. I will pray. I will pray for a miracle. I will do something about myself, I will make myself even more beautiful and classy, stronger and smarter. More talented and just high class. A very high class female. Probably I might catch his eyes this time. If not, then I will just move on. No more negative thoughts nor negative feelings. Only doing what's best and becoming more proactive for what will be the best. St. Augustine said it well, "Do what you can do and pray for something you cannot do." That's what I am going to do. Aja!

Save This Heart

This is my plea right now. He came back. He found me again. And I am afraid that I will get hurt again just like before. I know I have such deep feelings for him and I am really praying for someone to save my heart from falling for him again. Yes, I fell for him. And yes, even after two months of losing touch there he was again and he was being a bit more attentive than before. I hate him. I hate him so much for making me suffer like this. My heart is really crying right now. Because I thought I did not have any feelings for him anymore until that day he texted telling me that he searched for my number. I don't know. All I know is that old wounds are being opened again. I am still in love with him. It really saddens me a lot. I had to change my number again. I don't want to go through the same pain again. No, not anymore. God, please send someone, somebody who will same my heart to keep from falling for him again.