On Facebook and Moving On

Hah! Facebook.

Maybe I should have just listened to that voice inside me before when it was first introduced to me that I should not use it. That it would be just a nuisance if I did.

And now, looking back, I have realized how right that voice inside me was. For ever since I used that website, my life has changed since and was never the same again.

In Facebook, one can post everything so good and perfect in his or her life. It is as if the person is really living one, perfect, lovely life to the envy of the whole world. There, one can say things that could make others think he or she is a genius and that he or she is the one to be admired by everyone. I have been guilty of that crime also and it indeed gives me the creeps how I let the system of creating one's own fans' club there ate my sensibilities.

In Facebook, I met people who given a life sans one, I would not have met at all. People I should not have let inside my heart and my life. But then again, there was Facebook, we became "friends" and then after some complicated issues between us, we "unfriended" each other. And I ended up nursing and healing a broken heart.

In Facebook, I would just carelessly feed my insecurities. I would initially just nonchalantly browse through some friends's pages and then when I would see that they were actually living a seemingly "charmed" life so unlike mine, I would feel this sadness, emptiness and mild depression that would just turn out unfounded and highly unreasonable for me to feel in the first place.

Facebook is good. If one uses it in the right way. I also had my share of wonderful times in FB. People who gave me good comments, who complimented my notes and friends from long ago and far places that I was able to get in touch with again after many years.It has its benefits after all.

Maybe, I have been just into too much of something. In this case, my Facebook usage. Honestly, maybe the reason why I cannot fully moved on with what happened to me is because I still have this very little flicker of hope that that person is still checking on me. That the person who introduced us might give me some updates regarding him though I told her that we should stop talking about what happened already. Maybe, I have been too much into it that I already depended my social life in it, that I subtly substituted it with the real world. That I mistakenly believed that without it, then my life would be incomplete.

Foolishness, right? Yet, I must admit I subconsciously thought this way. Maybe, I should practice what the Bible says. To aim for the transforming and renewing of my mind. Facebook is good, but there's more to life than my overuse of it. Henry David Thoreau was indeed right when he said "as if we could kill time without injuring eternity."

I will try not to open my Facebook for how many days. I will open my Internet but for studying, writing and reading purposes only. I'll see if I would still feel this way. Feeling bad for nothing at all. It was all in my mind. A product of my own imagination given life by my excessive usage of Facebook.

I will try. Then maybe, this trying will become a routine, then a habit and then a practice. Until such a time that Facebook will no longer mean that much to me.

I will just focus on what is more important. On what is more beneficial. An important quiz will be given to us by our professor in Philosophy on Saturday so there's no use wasting time. It is always of the essence.

Goodbye for the mean time, Facebook world!

Realizations

I have realized many things today.

I have realized who really my friends are. Who really could accept me and understand me for who I am.

I am not perfect, I have issues also, I have my own struggles and sometimes I let the whole world know about it and worst, overdo it. It is me. It is really me. And sometimes, I don't have to change just to make others like me and please them.

I am just sad. About losing a friend. Yes, before I could confide in her but then there was judgment already. I didn't like that but then I found her sensible so I just let her "judge" me for who I seemed I was.

But she didn't know what's on my mind. No one really knows and I intend to keep it that way. If I have some issues, I just keep it to myself but it is actually not the right thing to do. Being honest is indeed important. And being open to correction is highly indispensable.

I hate it when I others throw judgment to others already when in fact, I am also guilty of the same crime most of the time. That part of me, I need God to help me deal it with.

I still need to be in tuned with my emotions, what ticks me off. I guess, I really should ask God to transform me and change the way I think, act and behave. And yes, I will carefully choose the people that I will let inside my inner circle even if it means being alone sometimes.

People just need to be accepted for who they are. Warts and all. It's good to know that I have a few who really do. I will not wait for others to love me and accept me. If they feel the other way around, then let them be. I will just be myself with some better and more positive modification.

From now on, if I don't have anything good to say about others even if it seemed true, I will just keep my mouth shut. I will just shut up. I will just keep quiet and do what is expected of me to do.

Relationships are important to me so I will try my best to choose and keep the best ones. Ones that will lift me up and edify me.

A Prayer to God

I am praying now.

I am worried about my future. I am worried about the health of my reproductive system. I am worried about the things to come. But this is so unreasonable. So ungodly and so unfaithful

Maybe I am just given a wake-up call to have my check-up once I have the resources to know the status of my health. i will invest in my health if I want to have a strong and healthy family in the future.

Lord, You said that You would give me a hope and a future (Jer.29:11). I am claiming this promise now and yes, Father I will take heed of Your warnings. Before it's really too late.

I will take care of myself and realign my priorities. I will give more resources and time to things that really matter much to me.

Deal With How I Feel

I still feel sad. Sad about what happened.

I found out yesterday that it was not really him who gave me that foul message but indeed his foul-mouthed girlfriend. She and our common friend had a verbal fight yesterday. That girl cussed at her and told her many things that were so below the belt and could not be written in print. Indeed, it was not him after all.

I am just sad because that woman according to our common friend is married already. In fact, she has children. Maybe she is separated and that man maybe he thought that that girl could give everything that he "needed" went into a relationship with her. And left me in sheer ambivalence.

Now, all my questions have been answered. I was the only one who felt committed to him after all.The only one who really felt serious about us. I am sad because a big part of what happened was my fault for there were red flags already when we met but I ignored them. So now, I am suffering the consequences of my decision.

Yet, I understand him. What happened was somehow a blessing in disguise for now, I have a clearer and more realistic point of view as regards a man's ego. How important it is that they should feel superior and powerful most of the time. With me, he never felt that way until such time that he fell out of love. Until he found another one that maybe was able to give him the kind of love and acceptance that he was not able to get from me.

I had regrets before and somehow I even hated myself about that. Kept on blaming myself. Yet, as the events unfolded, I have realized that I may have had my faults and flaws and am willing to change them but I don't really have to lower my standards just to make room for someone like him in my life. I am like this already. Yes, I can submit to a man but he has to respect me first, mind, body and soul. At first, I had his but it fell apart. Maybe because I did not give it to him too.

Looking back, I could have played things differently as the song goes. But there's no use feeling remorseful about it. Now, I understand him well, I got the answers that I needed so it's time for me let go and just focus on what I have today.

Next time, I will do better. I will act more sensitive and as much as possible I will take care of other people's sensibilities. I have learned many lessons from what happened. I have a different vision now, relationally speaking.

I am just sad because if my friends information were true, then he is right now into an adulterous relationship. According to my friend, that woman has a husband and children now. So if it were true, then they are committing something legally wrong. I am just sad because he ended up that way.

Add to that the foul-mouth and uneducated ways that person had dealt with us. I am just sorry for her. And I feel bad for my pseudo ex-boyfriend.

Anyway, I need to really let go now. There's no use going back there and thinking about any possibilities in the future. If it is included in God's plan that we meet and interact again, then it would happen. But I have a feeling that our first and last meeting is indeed the last.

I will just pray for him. Pray that he'll get to know the Lord and may someone suited to him love him and accept him for who he is. I will just want that someday, he will also have a good and peaceful life.

I am indeed closing that chapter of my life. I am just amazed that in a span of almost six months, many things happened and left me a changed person and maybe a better one.

I will miss him. There were in fact happier times, funny nights and lovely moments though not so many. But I will be thankful that he came into my life and made me realize many things about love, about people and about life.

Goodbye, dear. Though we will not see each other again, I will still pray that you'll be okay. And you'll be taken good care of. I will pray for your happiness even if it does not include me. I will always wish you well.

A Dose of my Own Medicine

I guess, I got a dose of my own medicine.

I could not blame him for becoming a monster and a such a demon to me. I could not blame him for losing his respect for me for I was the one who made him lose it. Indeed, we earn respect. I am just sorry things ended this way but I guess, it should actually really end this way.

He may have lied so many times just to get rid of me and had his finale last night when he said those hurtful and offensive words but somehow, I knew that it was my fault. He was a nice person when we met but now he has turned into a monster.

I got hurt because of the insults but maybe I just wanted him to do it so that I would have reasons to hate him. To get him out of my system and my memories.

He responded in the way that he knew how. Maybe because that was how he has been treated. A person with no self-respect cannot give it to others. But this led me to a question: Which should come first? Giving of respect to others so that they can give it back or the other way around?

I don't know. Maybe someday, things will become clearer between us. Maybe someday we can still find it in our hearts to forgive each other and let go of all the pain, bitterness and heartbreak we caused each other. Maybe, someday I will have the answers to my questions.

I am willing to forgive him already. I don't want to harbor any bad an ill feelings inside me. Maybe, this is just a dose of my own medicine. For everything that I have done.

I will not blame myself anymore. Past is past. My time with him will be just memories. I will just remember the happier days. There were in fact. But they will just vignets of those days gone by.

This time, I am sure now of letting go. Letting go of what I thought I actually had.

Losing that Grip on Faith

Right now, my spiritual life is so dry. Utterly dry.

I feel like I am losing grip with my faith. My emotions are out of control. I keep on thinking about that guy again and yes, I even sent him a message. I want him back in my life but I can't. And I should not.

When my two special guy friends gave me attention today, I felt I something was filled in me. I only want to be given attention to, to be loved and to be taken care of by someone.

Lord, I am only human. I have my needs too. I feel so crazy. I want to cry, shout and get out of my situation now. I feel desperate already. I have my needs too. I am tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of hoping. I am just tired. Really jaded.

I am tired. I am fed up with all the pressures people around me give me. I am tired of hearing love stories. I am tired of hoping that I would have my own family someday.I am tired. I am tired. So tired.

Lord, I feel bad now. I don't know. Help me see what I should see in this season. Help me feel loved and treated special by You. But I also need my ears, my physical ears to hear that someone loves me.

Lord, I want to cry. I want to shout. I have been like this for how many years already. I am sad. Really, I am.

Help, Lord. Help me.

This Could Be...

I remember him again.

A part of me still holds on to him but it is only my feelings. My emotions. I don't want this feeling to put me down again.

I still want to see him? For what? For another heartbreak? For another misery? No way. I cannot compromise anymore. I cannot take my faith and obedience to God for granted. He has other plans for me. I only need to be more faithful.

This feeling is just deceiving me. The enemy is attacking my emotions again. I am sad but I have to ward off this feeling. Really, I do.

My friends around me cannot define the way I live my life. No compromises anymore. This is just a deception. I am under attack so by God's grace and protection, I will just stay under His wings.

Hah! Again?!

I am just disappointed with myself for my "loud" reaction as regards the problem that I had with the accounting office in our school this morning. I was just freaking out because they made a mistake that almost cost me money and my reputation.

Yet, I have realized that the reason why I acted that way was because of my unfaithfulness again. I did not trust God enough that He would do something for me, He would show me a way under those circumstances.

It was a test. A test of faith but I feel like a failure. Yet, I have learned valuable lessons. Not take little things for granted, make a list of everything specially when it comes to money. And don't act like a war-freak specially under pressure. I was just so worried for if ever that money would be lost, I would be forced to pay quite a big amount to think that I don't have money anymore. Instead of just praying and asking for God's help, I freaked out like crazy, I almost shouted in the faculty room and it was so undignified.

I know that situation was really worrisome but I could have acted more maturely and with more finesse. And I should have reacted more with faith and trust in God who will never forsake me.

I just feel sorry. I have learned my lesson. I will just do the complete opposite of my reaction today and most importantly pray when I am again under that kind of situation.

But the experience taught me a lot. I need to organize and fix things in my life or else many things will just fall apart.

I will keep records, fix my things, unclutter and organize things. I will start with the small ones until they get big. I will ask God for help.

I am sorry Lord, if I acted harshly and impulsively today and did not trust in You enough. I am sorry for the bad words, for the almost violent reaction that I made tarnishing my christian testimony. Help me Lord to deal with my temper. Crazy and bothersome situations are not valid reasons for me to lose my cool and act negatively and shamelessly at that. Thank You for the lessons learned today. And forgive me Father for the cussings, the bad-mouthing, the rude actions. I am sorry Lord. Amen.

Me and My Proverbial "Big Mouth"

I have the gift of the gab. I have always loved talking and words are my tools to express my opinion and thoughts. Yet, sometimes this gift could be a "curse" to me if used wrongly.

I almost involved myself in a very sensitive issue that has something to do with people I call friends. Hah! It's as if these past few days, my definition of friendship is getting a big turn around. I have started to see who my real and true friends are. For that, I thank God so much.

Before, I almost put a friend in danger when I was forced to spill a very sensitive news. Now, again, I almost put a friend again in hot water because of my big mouth.

I will just keep my mouth shut. I will not mind other people's business anymore. I will just remain quiet. And very,very quiet. I will just mind my own business. And will just work and work and work.

I will just be quiet. That's all (^^,)