Day 1, December 31, 2010
Now, the time for me to make my year-ender self-inventory. I always do this every 31st of December just to look back, think about and learn from the things that I did, did not do and could have done.
This year, I planned to do many things and despite the setbacks and other challenges hurled at me, somehow I was able to accomplish most of the things I planned to do.
First was to take my Master's degree. Though I was a bit disappointed with myself when the test results came out, still it was a way for me to see that it was God who made me enter and pass that school, that it was really His plan so no matter what, I would still be there and yes, I am there now. I was actually having apprehensions regarding the major that I have taken but I have started that already, enjoying those times I go to school and was able to finally come to terms with a classmate who I thought would be unbearable for me to be with. The test result, me being in the "under probation" status actually humbled me and made me realized that it is only in God I could really depend upon. No arrogant and self-sufficiency thinking for me from now on.
Next are the changes that happened in our department. Most of my close friends last school year were gone this year and it felt like I was alone. I thought I would not be able to make it, there were some bouts of minor depressions and childish self- imposed isolation but eventually I was able to adjust well and in fact, became closer and has learned to appreciate the new people in our department. One thing I have learned is not to depend too much on people for my happiness and welfare because even if some of them were really well-meaning and loving friends, like Claire sooner or later our paths would still go different ways. Another thing is that I should learn to be more independent and responsible to myself, to do what I am asked to do and not to leave the job to anyone else. Just like what happened when Sir Arnel was still with us. We became somehow "paralytically dependent" on him thus making this year a bit difficult for us.
Which of course would pave the way to another lesson I have learned this year. That I should not put too much trust on people no matter how kind or trustworthy they may seem at the outset. For there will come a time that they may betray you, inadvertently or not. Always leave room for a little doubt until you'd be able to fully know the kind of person you are dealing with.
Another significant thing that happened to me this year was when I changed my home church. I just got fed up with my former church and its people and my leader that time so I just opted to leave. I noticed myself that time that I was already complaining too much about their system, about their "unfair" treatment so I just left. Now, I am attending another church and I am happy there though still finding my way into the hearts of the brethren there. By the grace of God, may I accomplish it this coming year so that I will gradually develop as a Christian.
Then of course, on a lighter note, I was able to watch that expensive musicale "Cats." That was one special experience for me because it was really costly and somehow it opened my eyes to my current situation now. Because when I watched it, I was able to see the big differences between the haves and the have-nots. I have been dreaming to watch it actually and when I did, my eyes were opened to strive harder for myself and my family so that I would not just "simply" walk away from the theater as I go home but I would be picked up by a car or I would pick up my own car in the parking lot. I tried my best not to look so pathetic that day, I stayed away from that defeating feeling called "self-pity" and told myself that one day, I would have a better view of an expensive musicale brought there and picked up by my shining car. Hehehehehe!!!
Day 2 January 1, 2011
It is now the start of the new year so I might as well greet myself "Happy New Year!" I wasn't able to finish my inventory last night because I had lots of distractions and my eyes hurt so badly that I really had to stop much as I wanted to resume. I can say that we had a different celebration last night for this place where we live now was quite "reserved" on its celebration. You see, this place consists of mostly the upper-middle to middle-middle ( this I only conjured myself) class families. We belong to the latter so we are here. Some of our neighbors were not in their homes and there were very few who used firecrackers. Good thing, since this place is a bit sophisticated, we were able to witness some very nice and lovely aerial fireworks and they were really very beautiful. Also, because of the nature of this place being a bit reserved and classy, I and my siblings went out to go to the clubhouse to witness the fireworks' display we thought being done there. To our dismay, nothing was happening in the clubhouse and in fact the displays we saw were being done a bit far away from our place. As we were about to go home, some homeowners were lighting that dreadful "Sinturon ni Judas" so we were not able to go home immediately. We felt "trapped" already because knowing that those scary firecrackers had just been lighted on our path going home, we could not take the risk of walking on that street for fear of stepping on some "unused" ones. Our brother decided to take the shortcut but being panicky and almost on the verge of hysteria, I and my sister were not able to follow him. We tried to find other streets, long cuts or short ones to no avail. So we followed our "survival instincts" and tried to find the shortcut he was able to find and thank God, we got home safely. Lesson learned, never to go out when it's already firing outside or we'll get "trapped" again. Whew!
Anyway, I must get on with my inventory. Last year, yes I was able to accomplish lots of things without me even noticing them. Until one day, before our Christmas vacation, as I was having bouts of minor depression and severe burn-out, I talked to our team facilitator and told her of my dilemma. It was about my family or I thought it was. You see, at the time, as I was having those very low moments of my life, I had become so grouchy and even the tiniest problem could really tick me off. I became easily irritable at the time and I vented out my feelings to the nearest possible and plausible outlets I could find. Because of that not-so-good attitude, I know I almost or really could have burned bridges with other people and colleagues who could have been good friends to me. Anyway, one thing I have learned from those incidents is to not accept and accept responsibilities. That to accept I am not "Superwoman" and I could only do so much. I have limitations. At the time, I felt so burned-out and tired that I even neglected to fix myself and to properly take good care of my well-being. The result? A walking "Ms. Frankeinstein." That was really terrible. The good thing about it was I immediately sought help when vacation time started from a book I bought from National Bookstore about dealing and handling stress. The good thing about it is that the book is for women like me. It's by Sue Augustine and it's entitled "Sanity Secrets for Stressed-out Women." Very timely and appropriate title for me. I have learned many things from that book since I have started reading it. Now, I will value myself more and yes, always remember not to bite more that I can chew. That I know I am good because of God's grace so I don't really have to prove myself that I am.
The year 2010 also was a bit of a roller-coaster ride for my lovelife. Of course, I still don't have a boyfriend and I have kinda let myself let go of that issue of my life.Maybe I have just become to tired to even think about it with all the stuffs that happened to me this year. This year was a bit of a hallmark for my so-called "Lovelife Yardstick" for I actually fell in love with guys who were the same age as my younger brother. Yes, I fell for someone who was four years younger than me before and at the time I thought it was a bit gross but this year having fallen in love with two guys almost six years younger than me without feeling any apprehension and full of justification, that was really very different. I, who was always very particular with age and other qualifications found myself thinking it was already okay for me to even ponder of ending myself up with a guy so many years younger than I am. That age is not really an issue when it comes to love. So that was it. I lowered down my standards and in the end, I ended up with neither of the guys. The first one does not belong to the same circle I am with and the other (who I guessed was more intense) though belongs to the same circle as I am is with another girl. So, nothing happened. But somehow the experience opened my eyes about standards and not making very high ones for I might letting a very good chance pass me by.
To sum it all up, by God's grace, I was able to make it through the year 2010 and looking back, I have realized that somehow I have accomplished the plans I made in the beginning of that year. Of course, the other ones did not become fruitful but then those things actually led me to the fruitful ones and that is one thing I should always be thankful for. 2010 was already finished, it ended last night but it doesn't mean that the plans I made that year would end as well. Of course, this year 2011 is the year of continuation. And the other years to come God willing I am still existing. Yet, it does not also mean that my plans will end just there. I will continue the ones I have started as I make other ones. But this time, those things that I will do and want to happen in my life will be even more realistic, doable and yes, sustainable. And I am starting to do just that, now.
her majesty's thoughts on what's happening around this realm called "life"
Friday, December 31, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Can't Do It All Alone
I am human. Only human. I make mistakes, small ones, big ones, petty or terrible, bad or worst of its kind. We all have this tendency and it's all part of our human nature.
Yet, it does not give us any right to continue living, making mistakes and thinking we are getting away from their consequences after all. For sooner or later it will haunt us down relentlessly leaving us disturbed,disoriented, weak and feeling like a sore loser.
The good news is we are not in this alone. All the more than six billion people here on earth commit mistakes be they intentional or not. And the best news of it all is that we have One who will lead us back to the right track. We have One who understands how futile our human nature is and how sinful it has become over the years. We have One who knows what's inside us and what goes on in our minds and hearts. That One is no other than Jesus who is the reason for this season. The One who has been there to help us when we feel like the world is already closing in on us ready to pounce on us like a big terrible lion to devour us. Jesus who died to redeem us from our sinfulness and make us pure and whole.
I have been through such a spiritual battle, what I call the "dark hours" or my soul and I have led myself to believe that I could do it on my own. That I could surpass those trials with only myself fighting for my survival. Yet, at the end of the day, I would feel so tired, weak, restless and hopeless for I knew deep down in my heart, I was still a loser and I could not do all things on my own.
Indeed, the enemy strikes us at our weakest points. He knows all the right spots and he knows what to hit you with. This is the time that we need to rely more on God, trust Him, call out to His name and never for once think that we could manage fighting him all by ourselves.
I was guilty of this folly. I thought I was strong, that I could resist the enemy but then I would just find myself waking up that he already has a stronghold on me again. This would not have happened if I truly allowed God to show me the weakest points of my heart and let Him work on those sensitive areas.
I have realized that our weakest points are indeed what we desire the most. And that, the enemy is what has been trying to distort to us thus eventually destroying us.
I am not yet spiritually matured. God knows all my struggles and now, I have realized by His grace that the same thing I have always wanted the most could be the very reason for my destruction.
It is not bad to desire something. It is good in fact but we have by His grace should know how to put things in their proper perspective. That to want something is not to make an idol out of it but rather a reason more to come closer to God and let Him do His work in our lives.
The road to real Christianity is not easy. It is a struggle actually. Not just a once-in-a-lifetime package of trials and challenges but a daily one in fact. Let us not be led into this false belief that being a Christian leads to an easy life. With the kind of world that we have right now, spiritual complacency is highly discouraged and an everyday appeal to and communication with Jesus for help and guidance is essentially recommended in order for us to fight the real enemy, the devil.
I am very inspired by this verse from 1 John 2:1(NLT) "My dear children, I am writing this to you so that you will not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate who pleads our case before the Father. He is Jesus Christ, the one who is truly righteous."
On our own, we lose all the battles but with Jesus, we are always sure winners.
Yet, it does not give us any right to continue living, making mistakes and thinking we are getting away from their consequences after all. For sooner or later it will haunt us down relentlessly leaving us disturbed,disoriented, weak and feeling like a sore loser.
The good news is we are not in this alone. All the more than six billion people here on earth commit mistakes be they intentional or not. And the best news of it all is that we have One who will lead us back to the right track. We have One who understands how futile our human nature is and how sinful it has become over the years. We have One who knows what's inside us and what goes on in our minds and hearts. That One is no other than Jesus who is the reason for this season. The One who has been there to help us when we feel like the world is already closing in on us ready to pounce on us like a big terrible lion to devour us. Jesus who died to redeem us from our sinfulness and make us pure and whole.
I have been through such a spiritual battle, what I call the "dark hours" or my soul and I have led myself to believe that I could do it on my own. That I could surpass those trials with only myself fighting for my survival. Yet, at the end of the day, I would feel so tired, weak, restless and hopeless for I knew deep down in my heart, I was still a loser and I could not do all things on my own.
Indeed, the enemy strikes us at our weakest points. He knows all the right spots and he knows what to hit you with. This is the time that we need to rely more on God, trust Him, call out to His name and never for once think that we could manage fighting him all by ourselves.
I was guilty of this folly. I thought I was strong, that I could resist the enemy but then I would just find myself waking up that he already has a stronghold on me again. This would not have happened if I truly allowed God to show me the weakest points of my heart and let Him work on those sensitive areas.
I have realized that our weakest points are indeed what we desire the most. And that, the enemy is what has been trying to distort to us thus eventually destroying us.
I am not yet spiritually matured. God knows all my struggles and now, I have realized by His grace that the same thing I have always wanted the most could be the very reason for my destruction.
It is not bad to desire something. It is good in fact but we have by His grace should know how to put things in their proper perspective. That to want something is not to make an idol out of it but rather a reason more to come closer to God and let Him do His work in our lives.
The road to real Christianity is not easy. It is a struggle actually. Not just a once-in-a-lifetime package of trials and challenges but a daily one in fact. Let us not be led into this false belief that being a Christian leads to an easy life. With the kind of world that we have right now, spiritual complacency is highly discouraged and an everyday appeal to and communication with Jesus for help and guidance is essentially recommended in order for us to fight the real enemy, the devil.
I am very inspired by this verse from 1 John 2:1(NLT) "My dear children, I am writing this to you so that you will not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate who pleads our case before the Father. He is Jesus Christ, the one who is truly righteous."
On our own, we lose all the battles but with Jesus, we are always sure winners.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Holiday Today
I am quite in the pensive mood given the weather and my circumstance right now. It's a holiday today so time for me to take some rest and just chill.
I will just post some photos here that I took randomly at any given moment, on any given day last week and the one before it...
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Information Overload
I have stopped for a while reading notes and articles about my subjects in my Master's. I am just avoiding becoming so burn out that I might slack off again. I am just excited about going back to school again and I will finish everything in God's time.
I already met some good classmates there, I like the other one, her name is Karen and she's a certified, bona fide girl from the "province." She's a pure-blooded Batanguena and she really has such a cute-sounding accent. I found it funny at times but I guess, I will just have to get used to it for she's just the way she is. I like her. She is unassuming and she's nice though of course, it's too early to tell.
Then there's this other one who honestly I am not quite comfortable with. She's Lovely and she's from Mandaluyong. I don't know but there's something about her, maybe the way she carried herself and the way she spoke but maybe they could just be her "front." Who knows, right? It is really still too early to tell.
I intend to become more sociable and diligent this time around with my studies. I will just work and focus more. I guess, I will just have to be more responsible with my task.
Yet, even though I am already done with some of my works now, I still spent much time on Faceboook that I think I wasted again a significant amount of time using that social networking site.
Why do I use Facebook too much? Maybe because, I am such a people-person, and at time a chronic attention-seeker. And I can change my ways by God's grace.
I am also disappointed today for my ATM is broken. The magnet at the back was torn and I don't have any money with me. I was supposed to withdraw the last money that I have but because of that "mishap," I did not have a choice but to borrow from my parents and worst, I was not able to attend the D-Group because of my fare. This is not a good sign. The enemy is attacking me again, trying to destroy me.
Anyway, I will stop now. I will still wash the dishes outside and sleep later on. I want to wake up early tomorrow to read and learn many things.
Goodbye for now.
I already met some good classmates there, I like the other one, her name is Karen and she's a certified, bona fide girl from the "province." She's a pure-blooded Batanguena and she really has such a cute-sounding accent. I found it funny at times but I guess, I will just have to get used to it for she's just the way she is. I like her. She is unassuming and she's nice though of course, it's too early to tell.
Then there's this other one who honestly I am not quite comfortable with. She's Lovely and she's from Mandaluyong. I don't know but there's something about her, maybe the way she carried herself and the way she spoke but maybe they could just be her "front." Who knows, right? It is really still too early to tell.
I intend to become more sociable and diligent this time around with my studies. I will just work and focus more. I guess, I will just have to be more responsible with my task.
Yet, even though I am already done with some of my works now, I still spent much time on Faceboook that I think I wasted again a significant amount of time using that social networking site.
Why do I use Facebook too much? Maybe because, I am such a people-person, and at time a chronic attention-seeker. And I can change my ways by God's grace.
I am also disappointed today for my ATM is broken. The magnet at the back was torn and I don't have any money with me. I was supposed to withdraw the last money that I have but because of that "mishap," I did not have a choice but to borrow from my parents and worst, I was not able to attend the D-Group because of my fare. This is not a good sign. The enemy is attacking me again, trying to destroy me.
Anyway, I will stop now. I will still wash the dishes outside and sleep later on. I want to wake up early tomorrow to read and learn many things.
Goodbye for now.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
On Weight Struggle
I have been struggling about my weight ever since I was born.
Among my siblings, I am considered the "fattest" and being the "shortest" also does not help.
So when I started to have consciousness as regards my weight and built, I have also started to have this yo-yo like phases wherein I would lose some then binge then gain more and again be depressed.
I don't like this feeling. I don't like envying other girls for their svelte figures, I don't like dreaming of a dress to fit me, I don't like wishing that I were this so and so girl for she is having the body I wish I had. I wish my head would be in the place of hers.
My family is not also supportive about it. No matter how I have tried to lose some weight, they would be the first ones to be skeptical about it. Worst, even joke about it and laugh at me. Technically, I am on my own. Good thing, I still have some good friends around supporting me and assuring me that I can make it. Yet sadly, few of them remain with me now for the others went their own ways already.
It's honestly not easy living in a world that glorifies women considered beautiful in its own standards. It's a struggle to maintain confidence and sound emotion when the society that you're living in worships those women with slender figure, creamy-white skin, tall built and a patrician nose. What about girls like me who possess exactly the opposites?
I am sad. It's true that one should still cultivate the beauty of mind, heart and soul but the above-mentioned standards are inevitably and almost permanent part of this generation I belong to. It's just so sad for a girl like me. Yet, I don't want to wallow in needless self-pity.
I don't know.I think I need to convince myself more that there's more to life than being so physically beautiful. That there are other aspects of myself that I really still need to look into and discover. But to tell you the truth, it's also an almost day-to-day struggle.
I know that having a goddess-like physical attributes does not assure one of a happy life and successful marriage. Yet there are times when I would think that they are also somehow needed for a woman to be noticed.
I will still try to lose weight. I was disappointed with myself because for two days, I ate a lot again and did not exercise. I felt like a failure but there was this voice inside me telling me to dust myself off, to not wallow in self-pity and just go on with what I have started. Spiritually speaking, I know I am on the "right track" because the "enemy" has been trying to snatch me away again from the right road.
I will continue my exercise and proper diet. I may not have those legendary patrician looks but I could still gain more confidence by doing the right things.
Among my siblings, I am considered the "fattest" and being the "shortest" also does not help.
So when I started to have consciousness as regards my weight and built, I have also started to have this yo-yo like phases wherein I would lose some then binge then gain more and again be depressed.
I don't like this feeling. I don't like envying other girls for their svelte figures, I don't like dreaming of a dress to fit me, I don't like wishing that I were this so and so girl for she is having the body I wish I had. I wish my head would be in the place of hers.
My family is not also supportive about it. No matter how I have tried to lose some weight, they would be the first ones to be skeptical about it. Worst, even joke about it and laugh at me. Technically, I am on my own. Good thing, I still have some good friends around supporting me and assuring me that I can make it. Yet sadly, few of them remain with me now for the others went their own ways already.
It's honestly not easy living in a world that glorifies women considered beautiful in its own standards. It's a struggle to maintain confidence and sound emotion when the society that you're living in worships those women with slender figure, creamy-white skin, tall built and a patrician nose. What about girls like me who possess exactly the opposites?
I am sad. It's true that one should still cultivate the beauty of mind, heart and soul but the above-mentioned standards are inevitably and almost permanent part of this generation I belong to. It's just so sad for a girl like me. Yet, I don't want to wallow in needless self-pity.
I don't know.I think I need to convince myself more that there's more to life than being so physically beautiful. That there are other aspects of myself that I really still need to look into and discover. But to tell you the truth, it's also an almost day-to-day struggle.
I know that having a goddess-like physical attributes does not assure one of a happy life and successful marriage. Yet there are times when I would think that they are also somehow needed for a woman to be noticed.
I will still try to lose weight. I was disappointed with myself because for two days, I ate a lot again and did not exercise. I felt like a failure but there was this voice inside me telling me to dust myself off, to not wallow in self-pity and just go on with what I have started. Spiritually speaking, I know I am on the "right track" because the "enemy" has been trying to snatch me away again from the right road.
I will continue my exercise and proper diet. I may not have those legendary patrician looks but I could still gain more confidence by doing the right things.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Adrenalin Rush
The title just came to my mind.
I want to write something about the issues that hound our society at present specially the RH Bill but it seems that my train of thoughts just wants to go somewhere and forget that destination for the meantime.
I want to write something about my tests tomorrow. What will be the questions and how will I be able to answer them. I am actually dreading the Math part for though I have somehow given birth to a just a small interest of the subject, still it's quite a taxing brain job for me to analyze all those formulas and numerical terminologies. Still, I guess my imagination and unfounded fears are getting me a bit too far for maybe the tests would not be as difficult as I thought it to be.
For one, I did not review. I read a lot, tons of books and other literature but review? No. Why? Not because of sheer indolence nor lousy laziness but rather the thought that I did not have any idea on what to review. It's not as if I am entering the university fresh from high school. This is different. And I have this feeling that the tests would be more like for "adults."
By God's grace, I know I will pass. What I am feeling now is just my nerves. Hah! I am going to pray about this and will just write and share my thoughts to the world.
I am excited to enter school again. I am aiming for honors. By God's grace, I can do it and will do my best to do it. Now, I will just rest my mind and spirit. Tomorrow will hold a lot of promise.
All I want is to feed my mind and not keep my brain cells stagnant. And grow in my chosen profession. And everything will start now.
Carpe Diem!
Hehehehehe!!!!
I want to write something about the issues that hound our society at present specially the RH Bill but it seems that my train of thoughts just wants to go somewhere and forget that destination for the meantime.
I want to write something about my tests tomorrow. What will be the questions and how will I be able to answer them. I am actually dreading the Math part for though I have somehow given birth to a just a small interest of the subject, still it's quite a taxing brain job for me to analyze all those formulas and numerical terminologies. Still, I guess my imagination and unfounded fears are getting me a bit too far for maybe the tests would not be as difficult as I thought it to be.
For one, I did not review. I read a lot, tons of books and other literature but review? No. Why? Not because of sheer indolence nor lousy laziness but rather the thought that I did not have any idea on what to review. It's not as if I am entering the university fresh from high school. This is different. And I have this feeling that the tests would be more like for "adults."
By God's grace, I know I will pass. What I am feeling now is just my nerves. Hah! I am going to pray about this and will just write and share my thoughts to the world.
I am excited to enter school again. I am aiming for honors. By God's grace, I can do it and will do my best to do it. Now, I will just rest my mind and spirit. Tomorrow will hold a lot of promise.
All I want is to feed my mind and not keep my brain cells stagnant. And grow in my chosen profession. And everything will start now.
Carpe Diem!
Hehehehehe!!!!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Tired Of Being A Filipino...Sometimes
I am just tired of being one actually.
I am tired of the system, I am tired of the things that go on and happen in this country. I love my country, God knows I do but sometimes I doubt it if really the majority of Filipinos love this land.
Last election though I honestly admit that I was not able to vote, I passionately and fiercely supported the current administration. You may think that I do not have any right to speak up my mind for my non-voting stance last election, but is it just voting that could gauge one's love and concern for the country? How about the taxes that I pay? My obedience to the laws of the land? Aren't they counted?
This is not to say that it was the right thing for me to do. If I could have my way, why would not I do something that could somehow make this land a better place. Or could it?
It was an unwanted choice. I wanted to register. I have always wanted to have my name listed in the roster of citizens enjoying the freedom of suffrage. But unfortunately, there's this thing called bureaucracy and that has always been keeping me and other numerous Filipinos from fulfilling that sacred duty.
I am a teacher. Meaning, I am not a normal employee. My job is not as easy as calling the HR Department of our school to let them know I will not be in for the day. It is not as easy as just going to the bosses' office to let them know I am having a half day and that's it. My job entails me to be in school almost half of the day and even beyond just to finish the loads of work to be done. Aside from that, I have children to take care of in the form of my pupils so being absent for one day is tantamount to being out for the whole week.
Now, can someone blame me for not being able to register because just mere doing so would require me to wait in line for almost the whole day only to be asked by the "ever-friendly" registration officer to come back tomorrow because they had already reached their nonsense and unexplainable "quota?" Can someone self-righteously accuse me of neglecting my duties as a citizen as I also think about of my responsibilities to my school and my pupils?
I know, one would rebut me by saying "if there's a will, there's a way." But as I have said earlier, I could have done so with all my heart if not for the other duties that I would leave behind if I did. If not for the red tapes and other "processes" that I would endure for a number of days.
Here in the country, it's not easy to get your name listed unless you do something unlawful. Ironically, when people are trying to do something right, it would take them ages just to be recorded. If one would do something wrong, it would only take just a millisecond to see your name on the paper with your fault glaring at you.
I don't know. This land is indeed blessed by God. We have such a beautiful country but we, the inhabitants of this lovely paradise make this so uniquely ugly. Thinking of the last election and the things that hound us now, I have started to doubt my decisions.
I know, it is not right to blame a big mistake to only one person. Everything is relative and that happened because so and so and the list goes on did something to end up with such a horrible result. I am not just singling out the President. I still believe in my heart that he is a good man. Not perfect, but good.
Yet, there are those people who surround him. Those who just went all their way to support him not because they truly believe in him but because they believe that he could do something to satisfy their self-vested interests. And now, just like a decaying dead body, their stench is slowly creeping in to haunt us and make our lives miserable again.
I am just tired being a Filipino, sometimes. Seeing things happen outside the parameters of reason, being bombarded with injustices and inconsistencies almost on a daily basis brings out the jaded human being in me. It is just so tiring. And I want to relax for just a few years.
I have not yet lost any love for my country. But just like a marriage that needs some chill-out time, I have got to have my own space, even for a while. I want to think and ponder and reflect on how we could end up like this. Or just go on like this.
I am still a Filipino. I am and will always be. Even if I would be given the chance to become a U.S. First Lady, a princess or a lady in some European country, Philippines would always be my first love. I will never disown this land. Though, for a time I just want to forget that I live and belong here.
Hah! Frustrations really bring out the best in me. And the words inside me. I still love the Philippines, I will still support the administration. But I will just hide and find my peace for a while.
I am tired of the system, I am tired of the things that go on and happen in this country. I love my country, God knows I do but sometimes I doubt it if really the majority of Filipinos love this land.
Last election though I honestly admit that I was not able to vote, I passionately and fiercely supported the current administration. You may think that I do not have any right to speak up my mind for my non-voting stance last election, but is it just voting that could gauge one's love and concern for the country? How about the taxes that I pay? My obedience to the laws of the land? Aren't they counted?
This is not to say that it was the right thing for me to do. If I could have my way, why would not I do something that could somehow make this land a better place. Or could it?
It was an unwanted choice. I wanted to register. I have always wanted to have my name listed in the roster of citizens enjoying the freedom of suffrage. But unfortunately, there's this thing called bureaucracy and that has always been keeping me and other numerous Filipinos from fulfilling that sacred duty.
I am a teacher. Meaning, I am not a normal employee. My job is not as easy as calling the HR Department of our school to let them know I will not be in for the day. It is not as easy as just going to the bosses' office to let them know I am having a half day and that's it. My job entails me to be in school almost half of the day and even beyond just to finish the loads of work to be done. Aside from that, I have children to take care of in the form of my pupils so being absent for one day is tantamount to being out for the whole week.
Now, can someone blame me for not being able to register because just mere doing so would require me to wait in line for almost the whole day only to be asked by the "ever-friendly" registration officer to come back tomorrow because they had already reached their nonsense and unexplainable "quota?" Can someone self-righteously accuse me of neglecting my duties as a citizen as I also think about of my responsibilities to my school and my pupils?
I know, one would rebut me by saying "if there's a will, there's a way." But as I have said earlier, I could have done so with all my heart if not for the other duties that I would leave behind if I did. If not for the red tapes and other "processes" that I would endure for a number of days.
Here in the country, it's not easy to get your name listed unless you do something unlawful. Ironically, when people are trying to do something right, it would take them ages just to be recorded. If one would do something wrong, it would only take just a millisecond to see your name on the paper with your fault glaring at you.
I don't know. This land is indeed blessed by God. We have such a beautiful country but we, the inhabitants of this lovely paradise make this so uniquely ugly. Thinking of the last election and the things that hound us now, I have started to doubt my decisions.
I know, it is not right to blame a big mistake to only one person. Everything is relative and that happened because so and so and the list goes on did something to end up with such a horrible result. I am not just singling out the President. I still believe in my heart that he is a good man. Not perfect, but good.
Yet, there are those people who surround him. Those who just went all their way to support him not because they truly believe in him but because they believe that he could do something to satisfy their self-vested interests. And now, just like a decaying dead body, their stench is slowly creeping in to haunt us and make our lives miserable again.
I am just tired being a Filipino, sometimes. Seeing things happen outside the parameters of reason, being bombarded with injustices and inconsistencies almost on a daily basis brings out the jaded human being in me. It is just so tiring. And I want to relax for just a few years.
I have not yet lost any love for my country. But just like a marriage that needs some chill-out time, I have got to have my own space, even for a while. I want to think and ponder and reflect on how we could end up like this. Or just go on like this.
I am still a Filipino. I am and will always be. Even if I would be given the chance to become a U.S. First Lady, a princess or a lady in some European country, Philippines would always be my first love. I will never disown this land. Though, for a time I just want to forget that I live and belong here.
Hah! Frustrations really bring out the best in me. And the words inside me. I still love the Philippines, I will still support the administration. But I will just hide and find my peace for a while.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Cats!!!
I watched Cats, The Musical yesterday. I enjoyed it a lot. It was like a dream but I can still hear the music right now in my ears. From the moment the lights were turned off and the music played on, I was all glued onto my seat and tried to capture each moment.
Too bad, I thought I was seated at a good seat but it turned out quite a literal pain in the neck for I had to adjust my head from time to time just to get a better view of the show. Well, for two thousand-plus that I paid for that kind of show, I just got all my money's worth. But i still enjoyed it a lot.
The lighting effects were all very good, no actually superb. I could not help but admire the props men and all of the production group for a job well-done. It was as if they were giving their very last performance. And it was only a matinée, one of the numerous matinées.
I really loved it when one by one, the "cats" came out and did their numbers. Even though I was not so well-versed with that T.S. Elliot opus and I actually had some hard time comprehending the actors' accent,(majority of the cast were British), I still stuck with the show, just watched and never mind if I was seated near a middle-aged man or I was having one of the "heavy" days of my period. I just stayed there and watched.
I wish I had a binocular with me. I saw all the movements, heard all the sounds but the facial expressions of the actors? No. And those were one of the reasons why I watched it in the first place. To see their raw emotions. But with my seat location and the heads of those who were seated in my front who kept on bobbing their heads also like me, it was really impossible.
I wish I also bought a temporary binoculars but it was my first time to watch such a show so I did not know. Well, good thing I had my eyeglasses with me and that was the first time that I did not feel any discomfort nor irritation wearing them.
I waited for Lea Salonga. Thank God, it was indeed Lea Salonga who sang that beautiful song,"Memory." Many warned me before that probably it would not be her singing that song but thank God, it was her and that made my day. How did I know? Lea is one of my favorite singers and I know the quality of her voice. Her voice is distinctly her own and I can tell if she's really the one or just an understudy. Thank God, for He knew my predicaments that day, He gave me that very lovely consolation of letting me hear Lea's voice live. Even if I could not see her face. I could see her movement and yes, listen to her.
It was a one of a kind experience for me. Honestly, I felt a bit out of place there for the crowd really belonged to upper-middle class of our society. I belong to the middle class, period. But hey! I also have the right to enjoy the things that they enjoy. I bought my own ticket out of my own sweat and blood.Still, walking in the midst of chauffeur-driven people, I just could not help but sigh and just thought, someday, I will also belong in your class.
This is not being a social-climber here. Maybe the little self-pity that I felt gave me this momentum to just press on and do better in my life. I want to fare better in life. I am not asking for billions of money or vast wealth like Henry Sy's or the Ayala's; I just want to have a good and comfortable life and live it to the full.
I am still young. Watching Cats somehow opened my eyes and mind to the realities of life. If you are moneyed, you get to enjoy the best of what life has to offer. You get to have the "better view" of things. And I am not contented with my view right now. I need to widen my horizon and yes, strive harder so that I can also be comfortable and my family as well.
In my Facebook account, some friends told me that they envied me for I got to watched it. In my mind, I think there's nothing to feel envious about. Later, when I am all successful already.
I guess, I need to really think about my MA, my going abroad and the possible business venture in the future. I will save lots of money now for future investments. I don't want to be poor anymore. I want to be rich, I want to do best in life and I will start now.
Too bad, I thought I was seated at a good seat but it turned out quite a literal pain in the neck for I had to adjust my head from time to time just to get a better view of the show. Well, for two thousand-plus that I paid for that kind of show, I just got all my money's worth. But i still enjoyed it a lot.
The lighting effects were all very good, no actually superb. I could not help but admire the props men and all of the production group for a job well-done. It was as if they were giving their very last performance. And it was only a matinée, one of the numerous matinées.
I really loved it when one by one, the "cats" came out and did their numbers. Even though I was not so well-versed with that T.S. Elliot opus and I actually had some hard time comprehending the actors' accent,(majority of the cast were British), I still stuck with the show, just watched and never mind if I was seated near a middle-aged man or I was having one of the "heavy" days of my period. I just stayed there and watched.
I wish I had a binocular with me. I saw all the movements, heard all the sounds but the facial expressions of the actors? No. And those were one of the reasons why I watched it in the first place. To see their raw emotions. But with my seat location and the heads of those who were seated in my front who kept on bobbing their heads also like me, it was really impossible.
I wish I also bought a temporary binoculars but it was my first time to watch such a show so I did not know. Well, good thing I had my eyeglasses with me and that was the first time that I did not feel any discomfort nor irritation wearing them.
I waited for Lea Salonga. Thank God, it was indeed Lea Salonga who sang that beautiful song,"Memory." Many warned me before that probably it would not be her singing that song but thank God, it was her and that made my day. How did I know? Lea is one of my favorite singers and I know the quality of her voice. Her voice is distinctly her own and I can tell if she's really the one or just an understudy. Thank God, for He knew my predicaments that day, He gave me that very lovely consolation of letting me hear Lea's voice live. Even if I could not see her face. I could see her movement and yes, listen to her.
It was a one of a kind experience for me. Honestly, I felt a bit out of place there for the crowd really belonged to upper-middle class of our society. I belong to the middle class, period. But hey! I also have the right to enjoy the things that they enjoy. I bought my own ticket out of my own sweat and blood.Still, walking in the midst of chauffeur-driven people, I just could not help but sigh and just thought, someday, I will also belong in your class.
This is not being a social-climber here. Maybe the little self-pity that I felt gave me this momentum to just press on and do better in my life. I want to fare better in life. I am not asking for billions of money or vast wealth like Henry Sy's or the Ayala's; I just want to have a good and comfortable life and live it to the full.
I am still young. Watching Cats somehow opened my eyes and mind to the realities of life. If you are moneyed, you get to enjoy the best of what life has to offer. You get to have the "better view" of things. And I am not contented with my view right now. I need to widen my horizon and yes, strive harder so that I can also be comfortable and my family as well.
In my Facebook account, some friends told me that they envied me for I got to watched it. In my mind, I think there's nothing to feel envious about. Later, when I am all successful already.
I guess, I need to really think about my MA, my going abroad and the possible business venture in the future. I will save lots of money now for future investments. I don't want to be poor anymore. I want to be rich, I want to do best in life and I will start now.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
On "Cats" and Frugality
Okay, so a "Cats" ticket would cost someone quite an arm and a leg.
But the heck! It is just one of those rare moments when I get to do the things that I love. Why do some people judge me and think of me as a spendthrift, someone who cares less about her money?
I do care about money. I have started saving already actually. The "Cats" ticket that I bought was quite expensive but watching it would be a once in a lifetime experience for me. I just want to enjoy life. I am not hurting nor offending anyone though some might claim that they were "offended" by my careless actions. On my part, it was not carelessness but just a way to enjoy the fruits of my labor. Watching a theater play and an expensive one at that is just one of my fancies. And I am already earning my own money. I did not ask my parents to give me anything just to watch that. It all came from my own pocket.
Now, I do not care anymore about how others will think of my actions and decisions. For all I care! I am just giving myself a good time. Maybe, those people are just envious for I get to enjoy and have a good time while they just sulk at the corner.
So yes, you may give me that darn reason that we have an economic crisis. But there's always been a crisis and I think it would always be like that until we reach that utopian state which I call heaven. To wait for the crisis to end then do the things you love would be punishment. For it will never end. And you are just fooling yourself.
I am not being a hypocrite here. I am just being true and I am proud of what I did albeit the negative responses I got. I just do not care. And just like my new motto, "If you hate my guts, that's your problem, not mine."
No "Ms. Goody Two Shoes" around here anymore. I will not care and will just go on with my life. As long as I am not doing anything illegal nor immoral, I will keep on doing things. And if you hate my guts, then it's your problem, not mine.
But the heck! It is just one of those rare moments when I get to do the things that I love. Why do some people judge me and think of me as a spendthrift, someone who cares less about her money?
I do care about money. I have started saving already actually. The "Cats" ticket that I bought was quite expensive but watching it would be a once in a lifetime experience for me. I just want to enjoy life. I am not hurting nor offending anyone though some might claim that they were "offended" by my careless actions. On my part, it was not carelessness but just a way to enjoy the fruits of my labor. Watching a theater play and an expensive one at that is just one of my fancies. And I am already earning my own money. I did not ask my parents to give me anything just to watch that. It all came from my own pocket.
Now, I do not care anymore about how others will think of my actions and decisions. For all I care! I am just giving myself a good time. Maybe, those people are just envious for I get to enjoy and have a good time while they just sulk at the corner.
So yes, you may give me that darn reason that we have an economic crisis. But there's always been a crisis and I think it would always be like that until we reach that utopian state which I call heaven. To wait for the crisis to end then do the things you love would be punishment. For it will never end. And you are just fooling yourself.
I am not being a hypocrite here. I am just being true and I am proud of what I did albeit the negative responses I got. I just do not care. And just like my new motto, "If you hate my guts, that's your problem, not mine."
No "Ms. Goody Two Shoes" around here anymore. I will not care and will just go on with my life. As long as I am not doing anything illegal nor immoral, I will keep on doing things. And if you hate my guts, then it's your problem, not mine.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Well...
Well, I am having my so-called "emo moments" now.
And when I say emo moments, meaning those times when you just want to cry and vent out all those pent-up emotions kept and preserved for so long inside you.
I had wanted to cry and thank God, I already did. But it just could not stop and would just happen at the slightest trigger.
People in my life come and go and the sad part is I have already learned to love them and given a part of me to them. They would always have a mark in my life for they became significant parts of it. Now they're gone, all I have is myself and my will to move on and just continue my own journey.
People come, people go. Easy for us to say but to experience it first hand is another thing. I am sad now but I have to be strong and not let my emotion rule over my rational thinking.
I guess, somehow I need to chill out and just enjoy the things life gives me as I go my way. Yes, to enjoy them but not to really bask and immerse myself in them. Life never told me to fixate myself to those things she has been giving me. She only said that I enjoy it and live each day I have. To love the people I have now and when they are gone, then go ahead have my emo moments but not for too long. For she still has lots of other things and people to give me.
This is a little bit how should I say,tougher but I really need to be. I still have lessons yet to learn about life. For a long time, I have looked at it in a very "Pollyannish" way that I forget that it is painful sometimes. And when the pain is there, it is quite difficult for me to cope up.
But I am learning my lessons. Indeed, I am. All I want to do is just enjoy my life and yes, be positive everyday. Thanking God for the blessings of another sunrise, another day for me. It may not be so pleasant but still, it is life. And I must, should and will embrace it as it is.
I am sad. Yes. But not for too long. Soon, I'll get over this feeling, this "post-childhood separation anxiety" I am experiencing. Life is too convoluted to be wasted. Ironically, it's being one is quite maddeningly amusing...(^^,)
And when I say emo moments, meaning those times when you just want to cry and vent out all those pent-up emotions kept and preserved for so long inside you.
I had wanted to cry and thank God, I already did. But it just could not stop and would just happen at the slightest trigger.
People in my life come and go and the sad part is I have already learned to love them and given a part of me to them. They would always have a mark in my life for they became significant parts of it. Now they're gone, all I have is myself and my will to move on and just continue my own journey.
People come, people go. Easy for us to say but to experience it first hand is another thing. I am sad now but I have to be strong and not let my emotion rule over my rational thinking.
I guess, somehow I need to chill out and just enjoy the things life gives me as I go my way. Yes, to enjoy them but not to really bask and immerse myself in them. Life never told me to fixate myself to those things she has been giving me. She only said that I enjoy it and live each day I have. To love the people I have now and when they are gone, then go ahead have my emo moments but not for too long. For she still has lots of other things and people to give me.
This is a little bit how should I say,tougher but I really need to be. I still have lessons yet to learn about life. For a long time, I have looked at it in a very "Pollyannish" way that I forget that it is painful sometimes. And when the pain is there, it is quite difficult for me to cope up.
But I am learning my lessons. Indeed, I am. All I want to do is just enjoy my life and yes, be positive everyday. Thanking God for the blessings of another sunrise, another day for me. It may not be so pleasant but still, it is life. And I must, should and will embrace it as it is.
I am sad. Yes. But not for too long. Soon, I'll get over this feeling, this "post-childhood separation anxiety" I am experiencing. Life is too convoluted to be wasted. Ironically, it's being one is quite maddeningly amusing...(^^,)
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Thinking...Thinking
I have been thinking lately.
I have been thinking about my family, the things that happened and been happening to us. My sister met an accident so she and my mom had to go and live for a while in my cousin's house. We are not complete here in our house so I am the one who is practically in charge of everything.
I am thinking. About next year. About my plans. What if something like this happened again? I pray to God that there would be none for I would be so worried.
I love my family. I love my dad, my mom, my brothers and my sister. But I love myself too. Now, I am vacillating if I'd still go on with my plans and fulfill my dreams or just stay here and be here when they need me. I don't know. I think as early as now, I need to teach my younger brother to take care of himself. To always remind my sister to be careful and to instruct my other brother to be more diligent with household work. And my mom? She needs someone to be her constant "distressor" someone whom she could vent out all her feelings and frustrations. And I am always more than willing to listen if I am not the one causing her "stress." (^^,)
How do I choose? Will I choose my dreams or my family? It is hard. I will ask for guidance and wisdom on this. I know, there are still days to come but who would have thought that unfortunate incident like what happened to us would transpire in the first place?
This issue unsettles me, actually. This thought causes me some restlessness.
Where do I go?
I have been thinking about my family, the things that happened and been happening to us. My sister met an accident so she and my mom had to go and live for a while in my cousin's house. We are not complete here in our house so I am the one who is practically in charge of everything.
I am thinking. About next year. About my plans. What if something like this happened again? I pray to God that there would be none for I would be so worried.
I love my family. I love my dad, my mom, my brothers and my sister. But I love myself too. Now, I am vacillating if I'd still go on with my plans and fulfill my dreams or just stay here and be here when they need me. I don't know. I think as early as now, I need to teach my younger brother to take care of himself. To always remind my sister to be careful and to instruct my other brother to be more diligent with household work. And my mom? She needs someone to be her constant "distressor" someone whom she could vent out all her feelings and frustrations. And I am always more than willing to listen if I am not the one causing her "stress." (^^,)
How do I choose? Will I choose my dreams or my family? It is hard. I will ask for guidance and wisdom on this. I know, there are still days to come but who would have thought that unfortunate incident like what happened to us would transpire in the first place?
This issue unsettles me, actually. This thought causes me some restlessness.
Where do I go?
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Good Thing I Am Busy
Yes...being busy and doing lots of things are indeed very beneficial though can be so tiring at times.
I don't have the time, mental capacity nor the feelings to even feel sad. You see, there have been lots of changes happening around me and they are really unsettling. Just like last night, I don't know if he was really serious but Sir Uly told me that he already resigned and that he was already accepted to work in a university. It was sad and would give me so much discomfort for aside from being a normal "fixture" there, one I am already used to seeing on a daily basis, he is also somewhat special to me. I mean special in a non-romantic way. I just like him, I am so fond of him, he is like an older brother. I just admire him a lot. Without him, nobody would "irritate" me anymore and act like a brat to me. I would surely miss him if what he told me were true. But just like what he said, "people come, people go." It was easy for him to say those words but to live and act upon them is another thing. And a harder one at that.
I guess, I have given too much of my heart to those people I did not intend to have any connection with in the first place. My only goal there when I applied a year ago was to work and work and save money and then go back to Manila. I did not expect that I would be this "attached" to them, that I could get this close. And now deep inside amid my being swamped, I am feeling this deep pang of sadness.
Yet, life goes on. And I must not lose the vision and mission I had with me when I started working there in the first place. I told you, to leave is even better than being left behind. And for these past few months, I have been like an "abandoned" child left alone to roam around streets I am not familiar with. But I have to stop acting like a pathetic child and be a stronger adult in times like this. This is not going to be easy but at least I know that Up There, I am still guided.
I will continue what I am doing now. I am already done with my lesson plans for the coming week.Technically, I am a week advanced and I intend to do things that way. I don't want to cram anymore specially that next year I am leaving. I am excited about it at the same time nervous. But I think it's high time that I learn to take care and tend to myself. I am already a big girl. It's time to "free" myself from my parents' wings.
Hah! Life is really, how should I say? Complicated? Not really. Let's say so constantly changing that it leaves you dumbfounded sometimes. But that's the way life is...What we can do is just learn to accept and embrace it as it goes.
I don't have the time, mental capacity nor the feelings to even feel sad. You see, there have been lots of changes happening around me and they are really unsettling. Just like last night, I don't know if he was really serious but Sir Uly told me that he already resigned and that he was already accepted to work in a university. It was sad and would give me so much discomfort for aside from being a normal "fixture" there, one I am already used to seeing on a daily basis, he is also somewhat special to me. I mean special in a non-romantic way. I just like him, I am so fond of him, he is like an older brother. I just admire him a lot. Without him, nobody would "irritate" me anymore and act like a brat to me. I would surely miss him if what he told me were true. But just like what he said, "people come, people go." It was easy for him to say those words but to live and act upon them is another thing. And a harder one at that.
I guess, I have given too much of my heart to those people I did not intend to have any connection with in the first place. My only goal there when I applied a year ago was to work and work and save money and then go back to Manila. I did not expect that I would be this "attached" to them, that I could get this close. And now deep inside amid my being swamped, I am feeling this deep pang of sadness.
Yet, life goes on. And I must not lose the vision and mission I had with me when I started working there in the first place. I told you, to leave is even better than being left behind. And for these past few months, I have been like an "abandoned" child left alone to roam around streets I am not familiar with. But I have to stop acting like a pathetic child and be a stronger adult in times like this. This is not going to be easy but at least I know that Up There, I am still guided.
I will continue what I am doing now. I am already done with my lesson plans for the coming week.Technically, I am a week advanced and I intend to do things that way. I don't want to cram anymore specially that next year I am leaving. I am excited about it at the same time nervous. But I think it's high time that I learn to take care and tend to myself. I am already a big girl. It's time to "free" myself from my parents' wings.
Hah! Life is really, how should I say? Complicated? Not really. Let's say so constantly changing that it leaves you dumbfounded sometimes. But that's the way life is...What we can do is just learn to accept and embrace it as it goes.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Just Finished
I was so busy today. I only stayed inside my classroom finishing my bulletin board decorations. It was a good thing that I only had to recycle the ones that I used last school year. My classroom is almost done. I only need to finish the other board and it is going to be easy for it is only very small.
I am thinking of my salary today. I had my first one for this school year and I could say that with all the debts that I had incurred during the vacation months( caused by prior poor financial management skills and lack of discipline in spending) I could say that I cannot fully enjoy the first fruit of my labor. It was my fault actually and I am not going to be that idiotic again not to save enough for future use. Specially next year that I will be going back to Quezon City and try it on my own. I will be wiser this time in handling my finances. It really helps to have the list of the things to buy so as not to be "sidetracked" by those tempting stuffs we can find in a grocery store.
Back to my classroom. My bulletin board is colorful, thanks for the help and constructive criticisms given me by my friends and colleagues. I am proud of it though I must admit that the other teachers' bulletin boards look even better and organize. But it is okay. At least,I was able to give it a fairly good shot though not really my very best. If only I had ink for our printer then it would have been more beautiful, colorful and more creatively funky. Without losing that childlike appeal of course.
Anyway, I am still quite not feeling good. You see, I and Eloisa, my co-teacher is not in speaking terms. She was a good person but she could be so taxing and stressful sometimes. I honestly just opted to avoid her so as not to harbor and keep more ill-feelings towards her. I do not know. I just want to have my so-called relatively peaceful existence in my school albeit the negativities surrounding me.
At least,I have my own circle of friends and I intend to keep them.
This has been a day. I was able to upload most of the photos I took when we went outing last Monday in Batangas. I had fun, I enjoyed the place very mush though I did not swim a lot. I do not know how to swim and being the chronically paranoid me, I just stayed for a few minutes in the water and did not go beyond the "line" dividing the shallowest part to the deeper and deepest. Anyway, there is always next time. And by that time, I will have brought my life vest for protection.(^^,)
I am thinking of my salary today. I had my first one for this school year and I could say that with all the debts that I had incurred during the vacation months( caused by prior poor financial management skills and lack of discipline in spending) I could say that I cannot fully enjoy the first fruit of my labor. It was my fault actually and I am not going to be that idiotic again not to save enough for future use. Specially next year that I will be going back to Quezon City and try it on my own. I will be wiser this time in handling my finances. It really helps to have the list of the things to buy so as not to be "sidetracked" by those tempting stuffs we can find in a grocery store.
Back to my classroom. My bulletin board is colorful, thanks for the help and constructive criticisms given me by my friends and colleagues. I am proud of it though I must admit that the other teachers' bulletin boards look even better and organize. But it is okay. At least,I was able to give it a fairly good shot though not really my very best. If only I had ink for our printer then it would have been more beautiful, colorful and more creatively funky. Without losing that childlike appeal of course.
Anyway, I am still quite not feeling good. You see, I and Eloisa, my co-teacher is not in speaking terms. She was a good person but she could be so taxing and stressful sometimes. I honestly just opted to avoid her so as not to harbor and keep more ill-feelings towards her. I do not know. I just want to have my so-called relatively peaceful existence in my school albeit the negativities surrounding me.
At least,I have my own circle of friends and I intend to keep them.
This has been a day. I was able to upload most of the photos I took when we went outing last Monday in Batangas. I had fun, I enjoyed the place very mush though I did not swim a lot. I do not know how to swim and being the chronically paranoid me, I just stayed for a few minutes in the water and did not go beyond the "line" dividing the shallowest part to the deeper and deepest. Anyway, there is always next time. And by that time, I will have brought my life vest for protection.(^^,)
Sunday, May 30, 2010
My Day Today
I went to church with my family. I saw my crush there, my sister saw hers but she was luckier than me. Her crush knows her by name, mine does not even know that I exist. Or if he does, he does not care.
Anyway, that's life. I just looked at and semi-stared at him from a distance. That guy is quite old already and I could almost see his "balding" spot. But he is still cute and yes, intelligent.
He is a doctor. Before, my limerance was for a crazy wannabe lawyer and now my eyes have riveted to that doctor.
Still, both of them seem like my impossible dreams.
The lawyer has his girlfriend now and the doctor, well he belongs to a different world.I guess, I could only admire and crush on him from a distance.
Enough of my ever fruitless lovelife. My mother and I went to Riverbanks and I felt happy. I was able to go there again after more than a year. It always feels so nice to go back there and just feel that "old" place. I missed it so much. The whole Marikina and yes, San Mateo. Next Saturday is our high school reunion and I am not missing it for the world.
I had fun today though when I got home, I was really sleepy and tired. The wandering has taken its toll on me. But it was worth it. It gave me that "homey" feeling though it's not my home anymore. I just missed that place so much. That is.
Tomorrow is going to be another day. I will be productive and do lots of stuffs. I hate cramming now though at times it helps me become more alive, alert,awake and enthusiastic. But it is always still better being prepared and ready when doing things. I will smile tomorrow, be positive and keep this happy and free spirit within me...(^^,)
Anyway, that's life. I just looked at and semi-stared at him from a distance. That guy is quite old already and I could almost see his "balding" spot. But he is still cute and yes, intelligent.
He is a doctor. Before, my limerance was for a crazy wannabe lawyer and now my eyes have riveted to that doctor.
Still, both of them seem like my impossible dreams.
The lawyer has his girlfriend now and the doctor, well he belongs to a different world.I guess, I could only admire and crush on him from a distance.
Enough of my ever fruitless lovelife. My mother and I went to Riverbanks and I felt happy. I was able to go there again after more than a year. It always feels so nice to go back there and just feel that "old" place. I missed it so much. The whole Marikina and yes, San Mateo. Next Saturday is our high school reunion and I am not missing it for the world.
I had fun today though when I got home, I was really sleepy and tired. The wandering has taken its toll on me. But it was worth it. It gave me that "homey" feeling though it's not my home anymore. I just missed that place so much. That is.
Tomorrow is going to be another day. I will be productive and do lots of stuffs. I hate cramming now though at times it helps me become more alive, alert,awake and enthusiastic. But it is always still better being prepared and ready when doing things. I will smile tomorrow, be positive and keep this happy and free spirit within me...(^^,)
Saturday, May 29, 2010
The Writing Spirit
My writing spirit has captured me again.
I just want to write stuffs right now though I really cannot think of any idea. I just want to type words that are forming inside my mind.
We are going to church today. Last week we were not able to for my mom and my sister had their bouts of diarrhea. So I also got lazy and yes, I did not go to church which of course was not a good thing to do. That's why I felt quite empty this week that passed. Now, may this day become a blessing for we are going there as a family.
I already gave up my own church. That used to be the family's church but because of some major changes in our lives before, we just opted to go to a nearer church. Since my brothers and sister practically grew up in their church there in QC, they still attend there albeit the far distance. Anyway,we already have the MRT and on Sundays, traffic jams are minimal.
I am now also attending that church. I also attended it before but I went back to my old one. Still, changes happened so I just went with my family. Besides, I guess this is the better way for me to do for I get to be with them and somehow bond with them. On weekdays, I almost "live" my own life already so Sundays are for and with my folks and younger dudes. Besides, I enjoy it a lot.
I also get to visit the place we used to live in. It is not really the location per se, but near to it. Thing is, I do not get to be so attached to this place where I am now for I have somewhere I could always look forward and go back to.I do not get lost, I keep this vision that someday I will be walking those streets and avenues again.
Anyway, I guess I have to give this writing spirit a halt now. I am still preparing myself and I am to fix the things I will bring.Later on, I may have lots of things to share with you. Things I will see, feel and experience. I just cannot let this surging writing adrenalin be suppressed. To keep my train of thoughts moving and words free flowing...
Later...
I just want to write stuffs right now though I really cannot think of any idea. I just want to type words that are forming inside my mind.
We are going to church today. Last week we were not able to for my mom and my sister had their bouts of diarrhea. So I also got lazy and yes, I did not go to church which of course was not a good thing to do. That's why I felt quite empty this week that passed. Now, may this day become a blessing for we are going there as a family.
I already gave up my own church. That used to be the family's church but because of some major changes in our lives before, we just opted to go to a nearer church. Since my brothers and sister practically grew up in their church there in QC, they still attend there albeit the far distance. Anyway,we already have the MRT and on Sundays, traffic jams are minimal.
I am now also attending that church. I also attended it before but I went back to my old one. Still, changes happened so I just went with my family. Besides, I guess this is the better way for me to do for I get to be with them and somehow bond with them. On weekdays, I almost "live" my own life already so Sundays are for and with my folks and younger dudes. Besides, I enjoy it a lot.
I also get to visit the place we used to live in. It is not really the location per se, but near to it. Thing is, I do not get to be so attached to this place where I am now for I have somewhere I could always look forward and go back to.I do not get lost, I keep this vision that someday I will be walking those streets and avenues again.
Anyway, I guess I have to give this writing spirit a halt now. I am still preparing myself and I am to fix the things I will bring.Later on, I may have lots of things to share with you. Things I will see, feel and experience. I just cannot let this surging writing adrenalin be suppressed. To keep my train of thoughts moving and words free flowing...
Later...
Friday, May 28, 2010
On Horror Stories and Traffic Jams
Well, I was caught in traffic today as I was on my way home.
My other co-teachers were with me and we were so bored that we started to share some stories about our lives.
Suddenly, I opened up that weird thing that happened to us last Tuesday. We were in the fifth floor when suddenly the door of that room opened. Our boss actually closed it and maybe, he closed it carefully. Then all of a sudden, it opened again. I thought it was only the wind so I gave it the benefit of the doubt. Still, my co-teacher told me that the knob actually clicked and opened by itself. I was feeling a bit scared already but maintained my skeptic stand. After an hour or so, our other co-teachers went down so it was only the three of us. Our other boss and my friend. We were talking and minutes already passed by when suddenly the door opened by itself again and I actually heard it clicked. I was already let's say, 85% scared and believing it but the other 15% wanted to really be sure. So I went to the door, closed and opened it. Just to test maybe it was only the wind or they just loosely closed it. But seeing the condition of the door and actually closing it, I was able to prove that it was not the wind neither loosely closed. It was really "something" and there was really "something."
It was indeed creepy because for one, it was my first time to experience that. Yes, I have been hearing stories and they really scared the wits out of me but those tales were forgettable as compared to this one. I actually heard it and almost saw it.
Now, what about the traffic? Yes, going back to that traffic on my way today which is by the way an everyday "normal" happening here in Cavite, because of boredom and nothing interesting to talk about to while away time, I started telling them my eccentric tale and that was the start of another creepy, storytelling session. They also shared their own experiences and man, they even had hair raising stories. I do not want to share here anymore but to conclude these horrific stuffs, that place is really an eery and creepy place. Bad spirits do lurk around so it needs serious prayers.
Because of that traffic, that place became a scarier place for me than ever before. Figuratively and literally. But I do not want to talk about them anymore. The devils might think they are that important for us to talk about them most of the time. In my case, I just need to let this out for I cannot seem to get over that terrible experience so I am writing about it now. Later on, I will be over this.Hehehe
My other co-teachers were with me and we were so bored that we started to share some stories about our lives.
Suddenly, I opened up that weird thing that happened to us last Tuesday. We were in the fifth floor when suddenly the door of that room opened. Our boss actually closed it and maybe, he closed it carefully. Then all of a sudden, it opened again. I thought it was only the wind so I gave it the benefit of the doubt. Still, my co-teacher told me that the knob actually clicked and opened by itself. I was feeling a bit scared already but maintained my skeptic stand. After an hour or so, our other co-teachers went down so it was only the three of us. Our other boss and my friend. We were talking and minutes already passed by when suddenly the door opened by itself again and I actually heard it clicked. I was already let's say, 85% scared and believing it but the other 15% wanted to really be sure. So I went to the door, closed and opened it. Just to test maybe it was only the wind or they just loosely closed it. But seeing the condition of the door and actually closing it, I was able to prove that it was not the wind neither loosely closed. It was really "something" and there was really "something."
It was indeed creepy because for one, it was my first time to experience that. Yes, I have been hearing stories and they really scared the wits out of me but those tales were forgettable as compared to this one. I actually heard it and almost saw it.
Now, what about the traffic? Yes, going back to that traffic on my way today which is by the way an everyday "normal" happening here in Cavite, because of boredom and nothing interesting to talk about to while away time, I started telling them my eccentric tale and that was the start of another creepy, storytelling session. They also shared their own experiences and man, they even had hair raising stories. I do not want to share here anymore but to conclude these horrific stuffs, that place is really an eery and creepy place. Bad spirits do lurk around so it needs serious prayers.
Because of that traffic, that place became a scarier place for me than ever before. Figuratively and literally. But I do not want to talk about them anymore. The devils might think they are that important for us to talk about them most of the time. In my case, I just need to let this out for I cannot seem to get over that terrible experience so I am writing about it now. Later on, I will be over this.Hehehe
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
A Little Bit of Things
Well, I had a day today. We had a seminar and so far I learned lots of things. I promised myself that I would be doing better this year and I would take my job seriously.
Then again, enough of my chatter about my job. I am listening to a song right now. A very nice rendition of my favorite OPM song by Regine Velasquez. This song was sung by Sarah Geronimo in her telenovela roughly three years ago. I just fell in love with this version when I first heard this last night. So touching and heart-rendering rendition.Wish I had someone who I could give this song to. I really love her version.
To tell that someone that I have been dreaming of loving him and being with him. I really want to experience again that sweet feeling of falling in love and and just be so romantically poetic about someone. Who could he be and what could his name be?
I wish I were in love now...But there's no one who I could think and see as worthy of my very fragile heart...(^^,)
Then again, enough of my chatter about my job. I am listening to a song right now. A very nice rendition of my favorite OPM song by Regine Velasquez. This song was sung by Sarah Geronimo in her telenovela roughly three years ago. I just fell in love with this version when I first heard this last night. So touching and heart-rendering rendition.Wish I had someone who I could give this song to. I really love her version.
To tell that someone that I have been dreaming of loving him and being with him. I really want to experience again that sweet feeling of falling in love and and just be so romantically poetic about someone. Who could he be and what could his name be?
I wish I were in love now...But there's no one who I could think and see as worthy of my very fragile heart...(^^,)
Monday, May 24, 2010
"Bitchy" Day
Today, I had my bitchy moments.
Well, on my way home, I had this argument with a jeepney driver about the fare he was asking us. It was supposed to be 8 pesos only but he insisted it was 9. Of course, I reacted because I have been going to and fro from my house to school and vice -versa and he was one of the jackass few who asked for more. Not that 1 peso was a big deal to me, only I was reminding him and asking for my rights as a commuter. He insisted but I also argued. In the end, my friend just relented and I wanted to cuss at him and knock him down. And that other old man who also insisted that it was 9 pesos. As if I was talking to him. I wanted to tell him to shut up but I just controlled myself for I did not want to stoop down to their level. But I was so irritated, I wanted to punch them both.
Anyway, enough of my bitchiness. I had a good time with my department, my new co-teachers were nice and I hope that they would remain to be until the year ends. Besides, I have already started to loosen up and open up to them. Of course, I cannot compare the peers that I had before for they were a different bunch. All I wanted to do now is just to have a good working relationship with them and finish this year with a good mark.
So far, the day was relatively okay though there were some mishaps just like what happened to me in that jeep. But generally, the day was good and I am somehow enjoying my time now bit by bit.
I will just keep and maintain this positive and happy spirit within me. As well as my open and resilient mind. I know, there will be setbacks along the way but the point is, everything will just turn out fine.
I prayed again this morning.I resumed with my morning devotions with God and it somehow refreshed my tired soul. I think, I will have another later before I sleep.
Enough of this for now. I will still read and study some stuffs. I will also continue my "chat" with John Steinbeck. The day will not come to an end for me without leafing through and reading my book. (^^,)
Sunday, May 23, 2010
I Will Stop Now or Else...
I think, I will just have to stop my writings now.
I have been glued here on my chair for almost the whole day already and ironically, I am already feeling "fatigued."
I guess, I am just making most of my time doing all these writing and reading stuffs for come June things will not be the same again. With regard to how I use my time, that is.
Tomorrow is going to be just another day. Another day to be with those people who I am going to spend a significant amount of my time with for the coming months. I guess, though I have some troubling thoughts in my mind as to how this school year would turn out, still I will have to keep in my mind the same mettle and positive, free and happy spirit that I had last year. In fact, I always have it within me only I tend to forget sometimes.
I will adjust again to another set of people. As in again. And I have noticed that these past three years of my life, I have been so constantly exposed to "adjustment periods." I hope this would stop soon.
I still have lots of idea coming in my mind that I need to let out. I will study and write and do better with my crafts. I have started "vocalizing" in the restroom again so as not for me to lose my knack for music. Of course, I read on a daily basis and later I have a tete-a-tete with John Steinbeck. Before I start my winning moments with Jane Austen and Lucy Montgomery again.
I really love books and reading. Of course, one cannot exist without the other. I have a dream. A dream not as profound as Mr. King's but useful in my own little way. I will have my own library and a very intelligent and smart collection of books. I just love them so much. Even the sensation of paper as I run my fingers on one never fails to excite me. And the scent. I have always loved the scent of a bookstore, be it a first hand or second hand one.
Given the space of our house right now, I cannot do a Maria Ressa or Fidel Ramos as regards my own library nook. But in time. When I have my own house. I will have a special place built there just for that sublime and noble purpose.
Anyway, enough of my chatters now. By the way, if you think I already forgot my love for photography, you're dead wrong. I am still in love with pictures though I must delay my gratification for that another special passion of mine. I will still have to save for a good camera though not yet a DSLR. It is expensive and given the undertakings I will have next year, owning one is not yet in my agenda in a year or two's time.
Halt now, my mind! I still have chores to do and I feel hot because of our searing summer season. I will move now!!!
Bye!!!
Thought I Lost This
My goodness!!!
Anyway, I had good memories of him though so I would rather just remember him in a good way. I still find him cute and he's still lovable in my eyes.
I thought I lost this site of mine already. To think that I was not able to open this for more than two years already. I read again some of my entries here and man! Were they about that person I liked so much well, in that time period.
I guess, I still like him until now though I had a not-so-good experience with him last December when I invited him on Facebook. He approved me at first but then suddenly just erased me. I guess it was all about that picture of him I posted there in my account professing for all the world to see how much I "loved" him.Maybe he did not find it amusing so he deleted me.
Anyway, I had good memories of him though so I would rather just remember him in a good way. I still find him cute and he's still lovable in my eyes.
I guess, I will have to maintain this one again same as with my other blog sites. I guess this one will be somehow for all the world to see. So there would be lots of censures in here...hehehe
Later, I will write stuff again...Influx of words in my head just don't stop so I am making the most out of it...(^^,)
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