Okay, so I might have some problems with copyright issues and intellectual property rights here but I never intended to do just that. Thus the longer title.
I have not yet read the book by Elizabeth Gilbert nor even watch the Julia Roberts's film version. But somehow, thanks to Wikipedia and other sources, I have gotten an idea on what the book is really all about.
I am not going to make a review on it for of course, I have not even laid eyes on the real book yet. Though, this year out of curiosity and inspiration I will buy the book to really know what happened there.
The woman there according to my sources was successful in somehow all aspects of her life but still she was not contented. She was married but she was not enjoying it anymore. Maybe she was bored already or just simply restless. She was even a successful writer but that did not stop her for feeling that unhappiness. So she initiated a divorce with her husband which was of course contested by him and embarked on a journey chronologically done as "Eat" in Italy, "Pray" in India and "Love" in Indonesia. And from that, something sparked in my mind.
I want to do that. I also want to travel and go places and also do that "eat, pray and love" thing. Not that I am already divorced, far from that for I don't even have a beau let alone someone courting me so maybe I might as well try my luck in other places. That will be the "love" part but of course before that come "eat" first then "pray".
Of course, my destinations will be different from Gilbert's except for Italy. I have always wanted to eat authentic and real pizza and spaghetti so I will go there. I have predilection for Italian food also. Then of course, unlike her who went to India to find her spirituality, my place will be Israel. The "Holy Land." I am a Christian so that's the best place for me to go. I want to walk the paths where Jesus walked and see the culture of the race where He biologically came from. I want to experience that very unique and wonderful time communing with and praying to God in that place that for now I can only see from the Internet and experience from the Bible.
The last stop will be the U.S. in New York. It was supposed to be France but I am not yet that knowledgeable with the French language and besides I have always loved NY specially after watching "Sleepless in Seattle" and "Miracle in 34th Street." I want to fall in love more in that city and who knows, I might also find the love of my life there.
Well, it's not really my main goal anyway. I just want to experience many things, experience lots of things and feel again that I am truly alive. I am just bored with my life right now but financially speaking, I am not yet capable to do these plans of mine. Not now. Not yet.
So before, I had my plans that by this time I should be engaged and by the time I am 28, then I would get married. I even planned to have at least 2 children by the time I am 30. Yet, God has other plans for me. And maybe I am led to a different path.
I admire the courage of the woman in that story for she really knew, fought and worked for what she wanted. Though of course, divorce will never be an option for me in case I might get married someday.
I don't want to stop here to where I am now. I know the world is very big for me to explore. As a woman, I am expected to have my own family by this time but due to some unwanted reasons, I cannot. So I have to make my plan B and in fact I am starting to set all my heart and mind with it. Plan A might not be an option for me anymore but we still don't know what life can throw at you tomorrow or the days to come.
Right now, I will just focus to my present. I am shifting from Early Childhood Education to Literature for my Master's and for sure I am going to love that. I will expand my mind and open it to brand new ideas whether they agree or disagree with me. Opening myself to new things does not really mean that I will accept them and really live by them. In fact, they will just help me distinguish the things that I should live with from those I should live without.
Anyway, I will pray that God will give me opportunities to enjoy my life more. To learn more. And not just merely dream like my own version of "Eat, Pray, Love." May He give me the grace and blessings to make them all come true.
her majesty's thoughts on what's happening around this realm called "life"
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Sweet Revenge
I was seething with anger last night for what happened. You see, I was still on my journey to healing a bit of a "broken heart" so practically my heart was not in a bad shape then. I needed people to give me encouragement somehow. Not that they were really a very basic need for me but you know, positive "distractions" will not hurt. So there I was, trying to mend my not-so-badly broken heart when something hateful happened.
I went to my classroom, it was 20 minutes past six p.m. already. I was of course alone but not feeling scared at all. I went there to have my last minute "fixings." As I was on my way to the faculty room, someone from the library, the library assistant greeted me. I greeted him back also mistakingly calling him "Miss." We laughed. Then the other, shorter and arrogant library assistant heard our banter and asked in Filipino who was the former talking to and exchanging jokes with. I just ignored them but their voices were loud enough, in fact echoed for me to hear when he, the gnome blurted out, "Ay!..."
Of course, that was a benign expression. If said discreetly or monotonously. But from the way that troll said it, it was quite insulting and the tone of his voice was condescending.
I know I should not have minded it anymore but you see, maybe it just added more salt to my wounds. There I was, feeling that dreaded feeling of inadequacy again, feeling that crazy "big, fat ugly duckling syndrome" and that kind of insult was never in the list of what I needed at the time. Maybe, I could have been more tolerant with it if I were feeling happy or feeling nothing at all. But man! I was in pain and that remark made it worst.
I felt I lost my equilibrium again. I felt ugly again. Still a small voice inside me is telling me that that person's opinion does not really matter. Maybe, he just misinterpreted things. Maybe he thought that I liked him. My goodness! With the kind of grammar that he has! I'd rather be by myself reading and enjoying my books.
I don't know. Here I am again. Deep inside, maybe I am rebelling against God, angry with Him that each time I would feel something for someone, or I would like someone that person would turn out liking and eyeing someone else. That sometimes, I have this question in mind, "Why has not yet anyone noticed me? Maybe I am too fat or ugly or something." And that experience last night somehow made me feel like it a cruel validation.
I know I should not be feeling this way but I do.In fact, I did not pray this morning. I just feel this anger, this feeling that I want to be bad. But yet, my conscience is still getting the best of me. I am so restless the whole day. I feel heavy until now.
I know, my appearance should not be the main thing that I should give focus on in my life. The more that I try to make myself beautiful according to this world's standards, the more I become vain. The more that I become senseless at times specially when buying products for physical aesthetic purposes. I am ashamed with God because of the way my mind and heart think. I even did some "evil" things just to compensate for my sadness and to show my rebellion.
Maybe, in hind sight, I should forgive that person. To not take his offense seriously. He may not find me physically beautiful but then at the end of the day, his opinion will not really matter. Not that he's not important. Ask his family and others who care for him and he will be. But for me, in my own life and social circle, he does not really matter.
I think, I really must come to terms with my emotions. My heart is okay now and I am not feeling heartbroken anymore. I will just accept whatever God throws my way. And again take good care of my body for health purposes.
As regards God, I am so ashamed with my attitude. I am so ashamed with the way I acted and thought. I know I upset Him again. And I am so sorry.
In the end, it is still my relationship with Him that would all matter to me.
I went to my classroom, it was 20 minutes past six p.m. already. I was of course alone but not feeling scared at all. I went there to have my last minute "fixings." As I was on my way to the faculty room, someone from the library, the library assistant greeted me. I greeted him back also mistakingly calling him "Miss." We laughed. Then the other, shorter and arrogant library assistant heard our banter and asked in Filipino who was the former talking to and exchanging jokes with. I just ignored them but their voices were loud enough, in fact echoed for me to hear when he, the gnome blurted out, "Ay!..."
Of course, that was a benign expression. If said discreetly or monotonously. But from the way that troll said it, it was quite insulting and the tone of his voice was condescending.
I know I should not have minded it anymore but you see, maybe it just added more salt to my wounds. There I was, feeling that dreaded feeling of inadequacy again, feeling that crazy "big, fat ugly duckling syndrome" and that kind of insult was never in the list of what I needed at the time. Maybe, I could have been more tolerant with it if I were feeling happy or feeling nothing at all. But man! I was in pain and that remark made it worst.
I felt I lost my equilibrium again. I felt ugly again. Still a small voice inside me is telling me that that person's opinion does not really matter. Maybe, he just misinterpreted things. Maybe he thought that I liked him. My goodness! With the kind of grammar that he has! I'd rather be by myself reading and enjoying my books.
I don't know. Here I am again. Deep inside, maybe I am rebelling against God, angry with Him that each time I would feel something for someone, or I would like someone that person would turn out liking and eyeing someone else. That sometimes, I have this question in mind, "Why has not yet anyone noticed me? Maybe I am too fat or ugly or something." And that experience last night somehow made me feel like it a cruel validation.
I know I should not be feeling this way but I do.In fact, I did not pray this morning. I just feel this anger, this feeling that I want to be bad. But yet, my conscience is still getting the best of me. I am so restless the whole day. I feel heavy until now.
I know, my appearance should not be the main thing that I should give focus on in my life. The more that I try to make myself beautiful according to this world's standards, the more I become vain. The more that I become senseless at times specially when buying products for physical aesthetic purposes. I am ashamed with God because of the way my mind and heart think. I even did some "evil" things just to compensate for my sadness and to show my rebellion.
Maybe, in hind sight, I should forgive that person. To not take his offense seriously. He may not find me physically beautiful but then at the end of the day, his opinion will not really matter. Not that he's not important. Ask his family and others who care for him and he will be. But for me, in my own life and social circle, he does not really matter.
I think, I really must come to terms with my emotions. My heart is okay now and I am not feeling heartbroken anymore. I will just accept whatever God throws my way. And again take good care of my body for health purposes.
As regards God, I am so ashamed with my attitude. I am so ashamed with the way I acted and thought. I know I upset Him again. And I am so sorry.
In the end, it is still my relationship with Him that would all matter to me.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
And Then I Turn To You...Again
And I am not talking to any human being here. I am talking to my major in my Master's, the one I am taking right now.
Well, I was initially happy with the way things went. But then, before I took it up, I was already having some apprehensions regarding what I really wanted between I deemed I needed. So I chose the latter path and somehow chose to forget that something I knew in my heart I really love and always have. And now, my decision is getting back at me and my love is all coming back to me.
You see,I really love books. And I love to write. Writing is like the twin sister of that second nature of my soul which is singing. Words are food to me, I need them to live, survive and enjoy my life to the fullest. And now, I've taken them to the back seat of my priorities because what I am taking now is what I thought I wanted and needed.
Somehow, the first reason is true to me but the latter, I really don't know. How can one explain this slack, this non-motivation that's happening to me right now? I don't even open nor browse the books that I borrowed related to my course. And I am not excited anymore, worst my brain seems like to be in "hiatus." And that's one thing I call mental atrophy I dread the most but from the way things are going now, I am quite headed there.
I will still pray about it but somehow I have made up my mind. Not that I don't enjoy working with kids anymore, in fact a million miles away from it. It's just that I have this stronger passion. And that passion has something to do with words, papers and books.
I dream of that day when I should and must read a lot just to get high grades. That reading for me is a requirement already in order for me to get what I want. For by these reasons, I will be motivated and more committed to open my beloved books and read and devour each word I would encounter. I just love reading so much it's really second nature to me.
I am shifting to Literature and there's no stopping to me me now. I have decided and all I will ever think about is how to transfer and explain to my professor who happens to be our temporary dean now the why's behind my transfer.
Well, I was initially happy with the way things went. But then, before I took it up, I was already having some apprehensions regarding what I really wanted between I deemed I needed. So I chose the latter path and somehow chose to forget that something I knew in my heart I really love and always have. And now, my decision is getting back at me and my love is all coming back to me.
You see,I really love books. And I love to write. Writing is like the twin sister of that second nature of my soul which is singing. Words are food to me, I need them to live, survive and enjoy my life to the fullest. And now, I've taken them to the back seat of my priorities because what I am taking now is what I thought I wanted and needed.
Somehow, the first reason is true to me but the latter, I really don't know. How can one explain this slack, this non-motivation that's happening to me right now? I don't even open nor browse the books that I borrowed related to my course. And I am not excited anymore, worst my brain seems like to be in "hiatus." And that's one thing I call mental atrophy I dread the most but from the way things are going now, I am quite headed there.
I will still pray about it but somehow I have made up my mind. Not that I don't enjoy working with kids anymore, in fact a million miles away from it. It's just that I have this stronger passion. And that passion has something to do with words, papers and books.
I dream of that day when I should and must read a lot just to get high grades. That reading for me is a requirement already in order for me to get what I want. For by these reasons, I will be motivated and more committed to open my beloved books and read and devour each word I would encounter. I just love reading so much it's really second nature to me.
I am shifting to Literature and there's no stopping to me me now. I have decided and all I will ever think about is how to transfer and explain to my professor who happens to be our temporary dean now the why's behind my transfer.
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