Lost Friendship

I just feel sad about what happened between a supposedly "close" friend of mine and me.

We were supposed to be close, yes close, we have been close but then he changed.

You know what I feel? I feel used, I feel over-utilized by that person.

Or maybe I let him so.

It is just so sad that when everything came his way already, when he already has a good life and things are going well for him, he just dropped me just like that.

Who used to call me his bestfriend, who used to be there when I needed someone to talk to, who used to be there just for nothing is gone already.

Nada.Pffft!!!

Well, maybe he was only my friend for the season. Maybe he only had his allotted time. I am not going to do something about our friendship anymore if we had any. Maybe I gave too much and did too much expecting something in return that much.

I just feel sad. And angry. Angry with him for what he did and angry with myself for making a fool out of myself. Good thing, before we became so overly and inseparably close, things about him unraveled gradually revealing the real nature of his heart.

Now, I understand how his ex-girlfriend felt at the time. I am not his girlfriend but somehow, maybe I have this feeling of abandonment by him.

Well, I will just move on. And next time, carefully choose the people who I will become friends with. To give limits on things and think of relationships as business. That I should be careful as invest my resources so that in the end I will not be shortchanging myself.

I am thankful that I still have my real friends with me. That they are still here with me. I know I may be neglectful at times but I will do better. While I still have the chances. I will just invest on those who really deserve my investments.

Well, there were good times also. I will just remember those. But this is the end, that's it. I will just go on and move on. I will still meet friends as I journey in this life. I know. God will give me.

Unselfishness

I decided to not enroll this summer anymore.

I decided to just use my earned money to visit places and to connect with people.

People who have nothing to do with me.

People who I don't know.

And probably who need me and my time and my effort and my love.

I have been planning to go to CRIBS but because of some distractions and yes, lost of focus, I was not able to do it. My life these past few months has been just all about me, myself and I. I forgot that there are still indeed people who need people and maybe I am the one being needed here, not the needy.

Instead of paying for my tuition, I will just push through my plans to go to CRIBS come vacation time and probably visit the Home for the Aged. Just to give time to these people who need people.

Probably the reason why I have been feeling this discontentment, this lack of zest for life is because I have been overly into me that I am losing touch with reality which is not all about me.

God will work in my life. I know. Soon. I have been just a faithless and foolish fool all throughout this journey. I still have my parents, my mother and father to love. Especially my mom who all her life has not been appreciated. My siblings who actually need my care. And those who God put under my care.

I think about Ryan's parents. How they need to be given time. I feel something for them for I think they are a bit sad. All their children are living lives on their own, working far from them. I just feel sad for them. I don't want my mother to feel that way. Especially when she's alone in this house.

God, did You put those people within my circle so that I can reach out to them?

Just Done

I am almost close to what I consider "unholy" hour of the night yet here I am still clacking and typing away on my keyboard.

I just had that bout of minor depression this morning thinking and sulking about how pathetic my life is. Or was. Or whatever depending on my mood, perspective and probably what I have eaten on any given day. Could also be the amount of time on exercise. Not really sure. Or maybe time less spent with God.

I had this conversation with Him this morning in my classroom when the day had just started. I told Him that I was starting to feel angry towards Him already. All because of the banters I had with a spinster co-teacher.

She "prophesied" about my future telling me that I would become just like her, an old maid. I just laughed about it and tried to shrug it off but the thought just never left me pushing my panic buttons into full swing. I rattled, panic and felt depressed about it. I don't want to be like her. Spending my time alone and just dreaming of having my own family. I want to have my own family. A husband who I can share my love and life with and children we will rear in the best possible ways we can. Yet, looking at my situation now, my lovelife's future is seemingly bleak. There is no prospect in sight, not one. I feel so trapped, so enmeshed in this boring mess I just wanted to shout, flee and go another place. Never to come back.

I don't know. I really don't know. I am already 28. My mother had me when she was 28. Ironically, at this age I am still looking and even hoping for someone to notice me. I am starting to become impatient now.

All my friends, well most of them are all doing well with their love lives while here am I, still hoping and waiting. Wait, wait, wait. It seems like the odds are against me. I hate it. Absolutely hate it.

I don't know. All I know is I just want to slack down a little and try to find other "worlds" where I can meet other people. Yet, I need to go to school this summer. But a part of me just wants to have fun. A real, honest-to-goodness fun where I can learn many things and yes, meet other people. I don't know. I am thinking about taking a break from school this summer and really enjoy my summer days.

I will think about it. My life has been so boring, so rigid and yes so structured fun is already an alien word to me. I will just sit back and relax. I will just look and see at what will happen next. Right now, all I feel like doing is to simply follow where the wind will take me.

Sometimes, getting our lives so well-planned could create chaos in our inner being. Sometimes it is better to just let go and yes, have fun.

I am thinking. Really I am. Summer class or really summer time???

Here and Now

I had a good day though I must admit that deep inside I am not really feeling well. I don't feel so beautiful and so pretty nowadays. All because I listened to what others think about me. Worst, all because of what I had been thinking especially when it comes to that person who has really shaken my world and my existence.

Sadly, I had to push some people away in my life in order for me to not feel pain nor being left out. I am just sad that I had to do that. I am just taking care of my already badly wounded heart.

I have been suffering this for all my life. Feeling unloved, unwanted, undesired by someone especially by the opposite sex. I do not know what is really wrong with me. I think I already tried everything. I tried being smart, an intellectual just for that very intelligent man that I was infatuated with years ago to fall in love with me but to no avail. I tried to lose weight which I successfully did but nothing happened still. I tried to be quiet, to be the proverbial "Miss Prim and Proper" but was still in vain. I tried everything already, I guess. Have I tried to be just myself and yes, only be myself warts and all?

Looking at my life, I only move around school, my work, my community, my school and the cycle goes on. On Sundays I go to church and that is the closest thing I get to call my social life. Or my other social life. Not that it sounds pathetic, only it is pathetically limited. I do not get to go to places. I just stay in one place or two most of the time. I get to meet the same people all the days of the week, many hours a day. See, this is my life and no wonder it is really boring and unexciting.

The reason probably why I get so fixated with that man is because he is the seemingly only choice that I have for now.He is the only eligible one and like a child threatened that her precious toy would be taken away from her, she clings to it tightly it hurts her already. I think this is how I see my situation right now. I see him as my "redeemer" from my boring and romance-less almost to none lovelife. Maybe, given other options, I would not even be bothered if he ever exists at all.

I do not know. I feel stuck. Stuck in this place, stuck in my situation. I want something good, something exciting to happen into my life. I want things to be lively again, to be just alive again. I am losing my beauty because I am losing the shine and sparkle of my eyes. My eyes make me beautiful, indeed. The life that gives beauty to them is actually fading away.

I don't know. even my prayer life sucks nowadays. I feel bland. I feel dry and my relationship with God has been quite damaged. I need Him to restore me again to bring back the life in me again.

I am already 28. My goodness! Most of my friends have a family of their own, have babies and create more while here I am not even close to stage one. I don't know. I don't really know. Things just do not go my way. Or probably I just do not go the path, my own way.

I honestly would like to stop hoping. But even deep down the recesses of my heart, my even hoping for it makes me hope not to really hope for it. I don't actually want to hope not to hope for it. For I still have a burning hope, even just a tiny flicker of hope that one day, I will.

I guess all I need to do is to be just myself. To stop being who I am not. To stop trying to be perfect. I have been guilty of this, trying to be "she's all that". I have a good news for myself: Blessy, you are not all that but you can still improve yourself for excellence, not for perfection. Perfection is a wishful thinking; Excellence is attainable. Always remember that.

Where is that outspoken girl you used to be? Where is that musically-gifted person who used to sing all her heart out? Where is that girl who is not scared to try everything? Where is that girl who does not really care whether she looks like a princess or a pauper? Where is that girl who loves books, who loves adventures, and where is that girl who is just happy with who she is warts and all? Where is that girl who loves to use her brain to her heart's content? Where is that girl who laughs out loud and who usually sees fun in everything even if it looks so boring? Where is that girl who loves words and uses them for good? Where is that girl who loves the finer things in life, who loves paintings of the masters, who loves musicales even if they are so impractically expensive?Where is the girl who sees art in everything even in such a menial task such as cooking?Where is that girl who is not afraid to say what she has to say and to speak out what she knows or even if she doesn't she still does and unabashed at that? Where is she now?

These are the things that make up Blessy. These are the pieces of colorful shattered glass that create the mosaic of my soul. These are my elements, these are the things that are really me. I have imperfections of course. I can be disorganized most of the time, I am a crammer, I have bad habits but then they make me all the more human. I am a human and a unique one at that. My humanity is not measured by the size of my nose nor my body, my skin color nor anything tangible but they are part of what people see in me. Sadly, they already stop looking once they see.

I guess, I have gone through this period, this "dark hour" of my soul to see what and who I really I am. I am tired of being "nice" and "perfectly nice" to everyone. I am tired of giving too much of myself and not loving myself in return. I need to be more loving to myself, I need to listen when my heart calls me. I need to give me some attention and healthy at that. I am programmed to think about others, to be of service to them when in the process of doing so, I have neglected the most essential instrument, the vital part of that program which is "Me". I guess I need to love myself more so I can richly and unselfishly love others in return.

God allowed me to go through this tough time. To sort things out in me. To let me see things on the right perspective. I know, I cannot control what life will throw at my way but I can control my response to them. I just need to learn to change the way of my thinking. I need to learn that I only need to be myself for me to be loved. I don't have to change a thing; only improve it. As what the great St. Augustine said, "Do what you can and pray for what you cannot do". All I can do right now is to change and modify my not-so-good and helpful behaviors and my way of thinking. All I can do is to focus on the here and now. Whatever lies in the future, it surely still lies in there for it has not yet even come close in here. Only God knows. All I must do is to refrain from taking things into my hand, let go of my control and obsessive issues and tendencies and live my life, each day. Of course, pray again. Unceasingly and faithfully at that.

I guess, I need to walk again and go around the village. The way I used to dispel thoughts of sadness and longings that are in the first place so unfounded and baseless. It was not as if we spent too much time together and got to know each other deeper than the Pacific Ocean that I need to feel depressed. Cut this awful crap. I have a life. A life so full I thought it was empty.

At the end of these rantings, it would only come down right to one thing: It was all about just me, my silly brainwaves, brain cells, and my thinking.

Failing Faith

My faith is crumbling now. I do not even pray let alone read my Bible nowadays. It seems like I have lost all the faith and the fire inside me. It seems like the Bible has become unbelievable for me.

I have been praying for something for how many years already but nothing happens. People come into my life and then they just leave. Why? I have been told that they came for me to learn lessons. For me to become better. Why? Are those getting married perfect people? Are they already the best human beings when they entered their married lives? Just asking.

It seems like everyone around me is getting something while here I am, being left alone. What is the sense of praying for that when I have not been listened to and I think I am just making a fool out of myself?

I hate it. I am sorry but I feel like I am hating God already. It seems like He has been playing with my emotions, He has been torturing me. I have been praying that if getting married is not His will for me, then take this bull**** feeling away. This bull**** desire in me. Because the mere fact that I am already using this bad word makes it altogether bull**** with a capital "B".

I am already having hate inside my heart. This is not me. I have become such a monster already though outside I may have it all together. I am so hurt. I feel inadequate.

All I want is to have a family of my own. A nice little family that I can take care of. But nothing happens. Nothing happens. I am losing the spark, the life inside me. I really feel bad.

I am tired. Really I am tired. Tired of waiting, tired of hoping. What do I do? I really feel bad. That is why I already deactivated all my Facebook accounts. I can live without them. I don't have to see the things that happen in the lives of the people there making me envious, making me feel frustrated. Others can live without it, so why can't I?

I just want to bring the fire inside me again. I just want to get closer with God again so that I will not hate Him. So that I will stop trying to understand Him and just go on with my life putting everything into His hands. I must say that I have been praying for someone and then things have become vaguer and vaguer as the days went by. May I understand the reason why, eventually.

I am sorry Lord. I am sorry if I said these things. If I freaked out and exploded. If I said bad words towards You. I know You understand, I know. I am sorry I just feel this way. May I learn my lessons from this experience again. May I know the reasons why. May I understand later on what You really have in mind for me. I cannot go on like this. I cannot. For sooner You will do something to bring me back to You.