Decided...

I have made my decisions already. I have finally made up my mind on certain things. Just when I thought that life has already left me alone with what I have decided already, suddenly influx of choices, alternative circumstances and the lure of just leaving things as they are seem to be so attractive I am tempted to just give in. But then I have a vision. A clearer vision.

My life is full of should-have-beens but I have decided to just accept that I cannot undo what has been done. I may have made the wrong turns in the past, have been complacent but it does not have to be like this until now. I am decided. No matter how attractive, no matter how comfortable, no matter how alluring the alternatives are, still I have made up my mind. And I have decided to finally make up my mind and stick with it.

Of course, these decisions will have their repercussions. Relationships might be tarnished and worst comes to worst might be severed. Attachments might be broken and there's this possibility that I might lose everything that I have now. But that's the point of these decisions. Everything will start from zero. And when you say zero, it means zero, none, gone and alone. And I will have to start building, creating and accepting everything and everyone life will throw at me, again.

I am not scared? Of course I am. That's why I am writing this stuff. To bring out this fear that has started to bubble up inside me. I know, once I start to work and move forward those decisions, discomfort will be present, adjustments are to be made and yes, pain will be inevitable.

But I need to grow. I have this desire inside to just keep on growing, to keep on progressing and to keep on flourishing. Because that is the reason why I was created. To grow. From glory to glory.

I need to listen to my conscience now. It says that the decisions I have made are the better ones. Though it may not be that easy, the point is they will be for the good of not just me but others also. I just need to stick with them and really be strong enough to just stick with them.

I feel better now. Somehow. I will stop thinking about those decisions for a while. I will focus on what I have now and the things I am going to do. After this, I am going to wash my clothes, read and then do other chores later. Hah! Life. Just when you think you are okay already, there she comes perturbing your already made-up mind.

A Prayer...

Dear Lord,

I made a fool out of myself again. Now, I am feeling this self-condemnation and contempt I want to bang my head on the wall. I did things that were not pleasing to You, thought about things that terribly displeased and angered You. I am sorry. I am sorry for I turned to them and not to You. Because I was too ashamed to go to You. For I know that I made a fool out of myself again and somehow destroyed my testimony. I felt like a desperate girl wanting someone's attention. I immediately let my emotions overcome me without me really thinking about the consequences of my actions. I really feel so sorry Lord.

I feel like an insane girl, a starstruck high school girl who has been acting so immaturely. Good thing, I found out some things before everything would get out of hand. Thank You about the things I found out last night, I would finally stop and just simply stop making a fool out of myself again. Everyone makes mistakes but it does not mean that I have to live in them.

Lord, I am sorry. I am sorry if I did not call upon You, if I did things my way again. I have realized that I don't really have to be so overly spiritual and legalistic about things. You have given us common sense and wisdom from Your Word that all we need to do is listen to what our conscience tells us. In my case, I was already being "tugged" by the Holy Spirit via my conscience but I thought a little bit of this, a small amount of that would not hurt nor affect me. Hence my self-induced mild depression and severe self-contempt right now.

Lord, I am sorry. My soul is really grieving now and I really feel bad about these things. They were of my own doings and I thank You for You have been using people to bring me back to my senses. Thank You.

Lord, I know that You understand that I really have longings to be loved specially by a man. But I still have yet to learn to control and keep my emotions in check when someone interesting comes my way. I still have yet to learn and practice more discipline and self-control and just simply stick to my principles regarding relationships.

This "fiasco" is actually a blessing in disguise. For it propelled me to stop all my foolishness. I must let go of this self-condemnation and forget about that humiliating experience.I will forgive myself now. Anyway, the damage has not been that severe, they were just actually concoctions of my wild imagination. I will just move on, get on and be right on track again, with You.

Thank You for lifting me up again. I will just obey You so please help me to obey You. I cannot do it alone. Please give me more grace. Amen.