Pre New Year Musings

In a matter of hours, New Year will come and new things will happen. Actually, if one looks at it closely, nothing will really change except that there will be technically and numerically a New Year. The days and activities are actually just the same.

Anyway, there's really something romantic about the unfolding of a New Year. It is like throwing some things behind, things that you actually don't need when you wake up the next day. Things, people and situation that you just have to leave behind.

Like in my case. I actually have lots of things to say about this year. About 2011. I could still remember how excited I was last year, same time and day. I was looking forward to a really new and better year and now that it has come to an end, well almost, look at what where it has gotten me into.

I could still remember how excited I was for the things to come, for the people to meet this year. Never did I realize that my life this year would just be so complicated. Or made complicated by me.

During the first months of the year, I met a guy who was way out of my league. He was introduced to me by my colleague and at first I was not interested with him but lonely and bored that I was, I eventually fell for him. Yet, because at the back of my mind I knew he was the wrong man, just not the right one for me I did not take him seriously at first and just took him for granted. I must admit that I even went as far as hurting his ego and sensibility. Until eventually when I lost him totally that I realized the mistakes I made. I tried to win him back but nothing happened. Until we just went on our own ways not ending up as friends. The last thing I knew about him was he was already having a child from his current girlfriend.

And what did I learn from that experience? First, respect other people no matter where or what kind of background they are from and their educational attainment. I must admit that I looked down on him, I trampled on his pride and I knew that I hurt him a lot. But I have learned my lessons from him and my encounter with him actually took away all my prejudices as regards my future relationship with men.

I just hope he is okay. I am not sending him any greetings anymore for his girlfriend might probably freak out again the way she did before.

Next, this year I had an almost "falling out" with a close friend. I must say that she has her flaws but who does not have in this fallen world? Maybe I just expected too much from her. Maybe I was just too immature handling things specially when it had something to do with a misunderstanding with a friend. Our misunderstanding brought out the worst and the best in me. With her, I learned to overlook offenses, to just be patient and yes to be kind to your enemies. I learned to just be kind and really kind even if there were times that I already wanted to shout at her and slap her face. Later on, I have learned also the value of relationships and no matter what, it is still the best thing to forgive and to be humble and restore anything that's left with the relationship regardless of whose fault was that. We are okay now and I think we now laugh harder and joke sillier than before.

I also became the team leader of our level. In Grade 1. It was not easy and honestly, I was not all too pleased with everything that came with it. Except for one. The monetary return. Yet, it somehow opened my eyes on things about my profession and the people around me. It has taught me to become more patient, resilient and not to be overly sensitive specially when being reprimanded. I have learned also to become more patient and tolerant specially when there are people who are unaware seemingly that there is such a phrase called "chain of command" and a word called "respect." To think those people call themselves my friends. I have learned to be more forgiving and just leave things as they are as long as they don't put the whole team in jeopardy.

I have also learned the value of being responsible and that it is not indeed easy to handle people. It is easier and actually better to handle lots of boisterous little children than to supervise a few, headstrong and obstinate adults. Man! They are indeed loads of work!

I have also learned and really understood the value of relationship with people. That in the end our relationship with them is what really makes us happy. Of course, in the context of our relationship with God.

Now, this year also I have learned and really the hard way at that, the essence of not expecting anything from anyone. The last month, November was I think the most complicated, stressful and roller-coaster month for me. That month, I met a person who actually turned my world upside down. With him in my life at the time, all the demons, all the immaturity came out and man! I was a wreck, mess personified. My emotions were really on a downhill but sometimes uphill. The vicious cycle just went on and on. I have learned not to fast track all things, not to be overly romantic about things and yes, not to expect as in not even a bit from someone. Unless that someone is really indeed having a serious and committed relationship with me. Yet even in that situation, still too much expectation is not advisable. Just let things come as they are. Be happy with what they can give and not look for something they cannot give. For in the end as a wise person said, "when you expect nothing, you have everything."

I have also learned to be myself under all circumstance. That I will be who I am regardless of what. If people cannot accept me for who I am warts and all, then they are not really meant to be in my life in the first place. I have also learned and still yet to learn not to be so overly paranoid. Right now, I am still training myself not to be so "praning" on certain things. Just like now. I sent a text message to someone and until now, that person has not yet replied. Well, I have actually noticed that she has not been what she was like to me before. I don't know. Yet, I could feel the avoidance coming from her. I cannot understand. Yet, I guess I must leave things that way. Whatever her reasons are, then so be it. I could never control anyone's feelings or attitude towards me but I can control my response to their action. I guess, one good thing that I still need to learn and will start doing so is just accept things as they are and not to be overly concerned about what others think about me. In the end, those people who love me sincerely and honestly plus their opinions will really matter.

Which will lead me back to the vanity and futility of pleasing others. My goodness!!!When I met that person, I wanted to be Miss Prim and Proper, I was afraid to say things that might probably shoo him and the people close to him away. I was not myself. I was a different person. I could not speak my mind. I could not be a human being. It seemed like I was under a microscope in the scrutiny of those people who matter to him. I forgot well almost, the people who really matter to me. And to think that we do not even have any relationship except being neighbors. That's all.

I know I still have many things to learn. I still have many things to uncover as I dig my way through life. I still have many roads to walk and crossroads to choose from. I know, my 2011 was not that good but on hindsight I know that this year was really an educational and indeed a wisdom-laden one.

There were the good times also. This year, I developed good relationships with some of my colleagues and workmates, I even have for myself a guy best friend who happened to be an apple of my eye way back in 2009 when I started in SSI. I have realized that it is indeed possible to develop a platonic close relationship between a guy and a girl just as long as they know their boundaries and they set them in right away. Mine with this friend of mine has been a good one and with him, I am learning to care for a guy sincerely without falling in love with him for it does not really have to be that way always. This year also, I lost a significant amount of weight and was quite successful about it though the pounds shed are actually and slowly coming back if I would not do anything about it.

I also successfully shifted from my former course in my Master's degree to the one I am really interested about which will bring me back into reality come tomorrow and the days ahead. My work also of course.

Every year leaves a certain mark in my personality. Every year, I know has brought a significant change in me and the other aspects of my life. Every year is indeed a learning experience for me.

This year, I am looking forward to a better life. Most of all a better and deeper relationship with God. I know that in 2011, He had taken the back seat in the car I call my life and I had been so wrong with this. He was not in the picture most of the time. This year was just all about me, myself and I. And look what this year has gotten me into.

This year, I will by His grace will start the year right. I will be committed to my prayer and fasting, I will be more devoted to my early morning communes with Him and yes, less secular music and love songs. I have noticed how restless would I become when I would just listen and saturate my mind with thoughts about romantic love and having a romantic relationship. I think I really have to refrain from that now. As in now.

I still have many things to say but then my eyes are already hurting. I need to move a bit and rest. Later, if something pops into my mind, I will get back to you.

Bye for now...(^^,)

A Letter Of Good Riddance

Dear you, yes you who don't really care about me,

Yes, I have been such a fool thinking that you were interested in me too. That somehow, I mean something to you. Now, I really feel like a fool, my heart's been bruised by you so badly though you did not mean it. I was the only fool here between the two of us.

Yes, I fell in love with you, there's no denying to that. I fell madly, head-over-heels in love with you and that was one of the worst things that ever happened to my life.

I wish I had not met you anymore. I wish you had never become a part of my life anymore. If only I could turn back the hands of time, I would not have gone outside, talk to our common friend and also gone along with her matchmaking skills. I wish that my life were just like before, the time when I had no idea of your existence.

No, I will not be the one at the losing end here. I will choose to be okay and will go on improving everything about me. Anyway, everything has a reason and meeting you gave me a good reason to improve myself and become the real and better me, with or without you.

Now that the year is almost coming to an end, I am not including you anymore in it. Even if I have to alienate the people that I met because of you, even if I have to avoid them at all cost.

You will not belong in my year 2012 anymore. Upon your return, well, I just hope that you will have a good life and I will just quietly and happily live mine. No, I am not making you a part of my life anymore. You belong to my yesterday so I am leaving you there now. I will face my present with a big smile on my face and yes, I am not letting you affect me that much anymore.

I am still hurting. Yes, I am still in pain. But I choose not to dwell on this anymore. I am moving on. I hope that you will not contact nor text me anymore. I will not care for you anymore. I will still pray for you for that was my promise but that will be it. No more, no less.

I just pray that when you return here, all my feelings for you will be gone by then. So if ever our paths will cross again then I can face you with a sincere smile and a nonchalant nod.

I know, I will be okay. God is with me. Maybe this is His way of telling me to let you go fully. Take you away from my mind, from my thoughts.

I will heal. I will be okay. I will be fine. And I am letting you go. For real. You don't belong with me, you were never meant to stay in my life permanently. Anyway, thanks a lot for those short-lived memories that you gave me. Though maybe I was the only who really felt happy and enjoyed those moments at the time.

Goodbye.

Blessy

The Serenity Prayer

“Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” -Reinhold Niebuhr-

This prayer keeps on reverberating in my mind as I think about the things that have been going on in me. This is ridiculous for I am the only one who suffers this way when in fact the other character in this story does not even care about me.

You see I am still moping somehow for the "failed" romance that I had with our neighbor. He left already for he is a seaman and here I am nursing a wounded heart. For I think I really like him. I really do.

But he does not share my sentiments nor my feelings. And there I was willing to wait for him, even writing him journals just to ease my pain away. Pain coming from missing him a lot and wanting him that bad. But then reality set in and I must accept that he is not that interested no matter how I tried to justify his actions and interpret them.

That is it. He is simply not interested. Action speaks louder than words. And I must accept that. Accept that I could never change the way he feels about me. Or the absence of it for me. But then I can change my response to him. I can just get on with my life, learn from my experience and yes, trust God that eventually what happened no matter how uncomfortable it is for me right now, will be a blessing in the end for everyone.

I have learned lots of lessons from this experience. That I could never hurry love. I still remember that verse from Songs of Solomon 8:4 "Do not awaken love until the time is right" -NLT Version-. I must admit that I wanted everything to be fast tracked at the time. Maybe that was why instead of drawing him to me, I in fact shooed him away because of my stupid and ungodly woman-like actions. I have learned to really take things slowly but surely. And to really act wisely and becomingly.

I have learned also not to expect too much. Just let everything flow freely and do not expect anything from anyone. Let things happen the way they are meant to happen. The best thing to do is to simply act accordingly to each situation and ask God for wisdom. But do not expect. Expect from God, not from men.

Another, do not assume anything unless stated and clearly as in very clearly at that. My folly was I misunderstood his actions and some of the words he said. But in hindsight, they were quite vague. Now that I have a clearer mind, I must admit that they were really vague. I just jumped into conclusions quickly, head first.

Another lesson is to be myself. Be myself in every situation I am and will be into. That I do not have to pretend to be someone that I am not just to please anybody. I can freely say what's on my mind but of course at a certain extent. I will show who I am, just the way I am. I will just be myself. Myself. The way I am.

Last but not the least, is to always trust God. Trust Him in everything. This may sound cliche but it is actually better said than done. All throughout, I acted on my own, I took things into my hands, acted immaturely and look what it has gotten me into. To trust Him is to fully let go. Let go of him, thoughts of him, everything about him. Maybe then, God will freely move in my life. He will have the free reign so He can really and fully move in me.

Now is the time for me to cultivate my soul, my character, everything about me. I thank God that meeting him somehow let me see the darkest parts of my being, the worst weeds in the garden of my character. And now that I can see clearly, I can do something about them, about me.

In this ordeal, I cannot change him nor can do something about him. But I can do something about myself and my response to any situation that will come my way. I am not saying that I will be perfectly well, but I know that I will get by. By God's grace. Soon, this pain, this discomfort will just be a thing of the past. And I could just look at this experience with a wicked laugh on my face. (^^,)

I know things will work out for the best. For me, for everybody around me.

Sara Bareilles - Gravity

The song that bespeaks my heart at the moment...

Waiting For Him

I have decided last night that I would just wait for him.

This is really crazy. But then I am taking the risk. The risk to be hurt again. This time it is out of my own volition. My will to wait for him, my will to keep myself from falling in love until he comes back.

I don't know. I am at peace with this decision. I am at peace that I am waiting for him. I think I should have admitted this to myself once he was gone. I will just keep him in my heart and pray for him.

I fell in love before it was too much. I also waited for him, shunning some of the possibilities in my life just so I could open myself to him. But things did not work out that way. It took me eight years to have finally moved on and get on with my life. Until that person came.

It was so quick. I fell deeply. People around us could not understand. They could not understand that for a short while I was able to see his beauty, the wonder of his personality, I was able to see right through him. Could they blame me? I just don't fall in love without any reason at all. I fell for him because of who he is. Or he was.

He was so different from William. Very far. Completely different worlds. With William, it was all being intellectual, being almost perfect to the point of being pretentious at times.

With Ryan, it was more calm, more natural, simpler. I just wanted to live my life that way.

I will wait for him. I will improve myself until he comes back. No, not only for him that I will make myself lovelier but for myself too. For what if this waiting did not end up happily? I am just being romantically practical.

I will just wait for him. I will.

Hurting

I a m still hurting now.

I saw his picture. It just brought me such a painful sensation.

I feel bad because I feel rejected by him. I feel like I was not good enough that was why he could not like me. I feel so bad about it. I want to cry but I could not.

I want to stay away from those people who are close to him. But they have become my friends too. I don't know. I honestly don't want Mommy Ann to come with me at CRIBS on my birthday because she just reminds me of him. I just feel so sad. Really, really sad.

I don't know. I really don't know. My heart just cannot fall in love again. I don't know. I should be feeling happy because the guys that I liked before have been showing me attention now. And even some who just ignored me before.

But I like him. Because he was kind though he was not really a gentleman to me before. He just made me feel rejected. I feel so bad.

I know my self-worth and self-esteem should not be based on how he treated me. Or how I perceive his thoughts on me. Yet, I cannot deny the fact that my heart is really broken now.

I want to leave. I want to run just for me to ease this pain away. But I can't I have no other place to run to. Except God.

Lord, what do I do? I still think about him. What do I do? I know this is wrong but what do I do?

I like him because he was stable. He was a good family man and he was so natural. Yet, I think I still don't have all the facts I need. I was feeling bad a while ago because maybe he was also the typical Filipino guy who likes girls with peaches and cream complexion. I don't have that and I don't intend to change myself just for him to like me.

No, I am to cultivate my soul and my mind. I am to modify my character from glory to glory. I am already good now but I can be better.

I am a child of God. I have qualities that endear me to people. Too bad he did not give himself the chance to get to know me better. For I know the things that I can do and have to offer.

Anyway, I feel better now. I was just only so emotional and irrational, thinking I was not good enough. I should say from now on, he was not smart and wise enough to see the real me, the precious jewel, the black pearl that is in me. He let a lovely lady, a beautiful woman in and out pass him by. Not my loss but his.(^^,)

Disillusioned

I am disillusioned.

I am tired of hoping. Enough. I will not wait anymore. I will just move on and go on with my life. I will open up my world. I will let others in again.

I am disillusioned. I will stop. I will be the girl that I was before I met him. My! It was only a short time and what an impact he was to me.

No, this is not fair. I am not being kind to myself. I love myself more. I will take good care of myself, I will respect myself and will be so kind to me. No, not to the point of narcissism but just enough to maintain the dignity that I have. And to live the way God wants me to.

Enough. I am to be respected, loved and valued. If one cannot give that to me, if one makes me feel so bad about myself, I have no choice but to eliminate that person in my life.

Enough. I am so tired already. Really tired. Dead tired. All I want is to live peacefully again, without anyone to think about or to be concerned about.

I will just move on and get on with my life.

On The Way To Become Better

I am missing him.

I was so busy for the whole day that there were times I did not think about him. But somehow, thoughts of him still found their way into my consciousness.

I miss. A lot. But I have to control the urge to text him and to talk with him. I will just leave everything to God. I will just pray. But I was thinking about him. If only I could get him off my mind.

Sometimes, I wish that the "one" God will give me would finally come my way. Now. As in now. I am not really feeling well. He is still in my mind.

Yet, this is understandable for this is just relatively new. He just left last Saturday so my dilemma is forgivable. But after six months if I am still like this, then this is really something serious.

I will still pray to God. May He guide me and continuously be with me as I go through this ordeal. I know, in time I will be okay. I will be fine.

I will just pray for him and pray for myself too.