On Buying Books, Passion and Inspiration

I am indeed a book lover. I have tried to just forget abut buying books but to no avail. I have always loved books. In fact, I have more books than clothes, my nook is just so full of them.

I am thankful for God's provisions for me. Yet, somehow I still feel this guilt inside me for I bought again books instead of just saving my money for the bad days. But now, I have realized that the reason probably why I bought books again yesterday was the one that I read from a book by Zig Ziglar.

It was all about investing for what I am passionate about.Investing for my inspiration. Now what is my passion? Passions rather. I think I am really passionate about young children. My desire to help them. I have this vision that someday I will become a parenting counselor and speaker. My life will be used to minister to lots of young people aged 0-21 years old. I will also minister to parents using the ability and skills God has endowed me with.

Now what is the best time to invest on this vision? Now. Now that I still have time and resources. Now that I am still young and have more time to study and to sharpen my skills.

No, this is not justification of my actions. I still spent my money but somehow I should not overkill myself with guilt. I did not buy useless materials. I bought books to improve my communication both spoken and written skills and to learn more about the ministry that I am going to have which is to help children.

Yes, I still have books not yet read, I still have lots on my waiting list but I can use them in due time. For now, if I still have the resources I will just buy whatever I deem is helpful for me. Yet, all by God's grace and wisdom.

Now I am more propelled to study and to just read and write. I am passionate about words, I study Spanish online. I can see now what I am really passionate about. Words, children and there's still music. But that is going to be another story. I will just focus on words and children first, while singing. Yes, while singing.

Disappointed With Myself

The title says it all. I am disappointed with myself. I am not feeling good about myself now. I am not even in the mood to write about what I did yesterday. I was just let's say really quite disappointing yesterday what with all my actions and my decisions.

I said to myself never to pass that way again but you know what? I passed there maybe a million times (okay, I am exaggerating already.) Then I even went inside for how many times. I made a complete idiot out of me craving for someone unworthy's attention.

How could I not use my lovely brain those times? How could I not be sensible specially when I like someone? I don't know. I just gave in to my irrational emotions and now look at what is happening to me. I feel this self-condemnation I want to slap myself and bang my head on the wall.

Well, those were my stupid, ungraceful moments. Past is past, I already inflicted the damage on myself so all I need to do is just dust myself off and move on. Move on and forget about those crazy, silly, shameful moments. Enough is enough. I will really move on.

I will just pray. Hah! I am ashamed to come to God but I don't have any choice but to do so because He is here and He knows. And I don't really know what is He going to say. Really. I am really embarrassed but still we need to talk.

Not About The Feelings

I still feel sleepy now. I don't know why. Usually everyday at this time, all my wires inside me are starting to perk up already and I am ready to move. This time, it is like most of them are still in slumber and all I want to do is to lie down, curl up, pull my blankie up and doze off again to Sleepyland.

Anyway, I am blessed again by my devotions this morning even though I am unusually sleepy. Maybe, this is the enemy's way for me to not appreciate what I have read this morning. I feel so neutral, it' s like my heart is still sleeping. This is just my feeling and God is greater than my feelings.

Anyway, I am reminded today that it is indeed important for me to find my accountability partners whom I can share my struggles with. I am still praying for them to come into my life, that God will show them to me. I will just pray and talk more to God specially this morning as I will be on my way to work.

Mornings are really lovely. They remind us how faithful and loving God is. How generous He is for returning to us our lives. I want to spend the day talking with Him and just praying. As I go about my day today.

I must remember that this relationship with God is more than just a feeling. It is actually a relationship, work, commitment.

" Even if we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings, and He knows everything."
-1 John 3:20,NLT-

Reflective Mode

I am in my reflective mode right now. Until now, I am still thinking about what happened to Given Grace and why it happened in the first place. Deep inside me, I am still struggling, questioning and confused about the turn of events about her. I am thinking about the could-have-beens if she had not walked that path, if she had only waited for the daybreak, if she had done this or that. I am really sorry for her and feel bad for her. She must have been such a lovely young lady, in and out. A sister anyone would love. Anyway, she's in a brighter and lovelier world now so I must stop bothering myself about the evil that happened to her and just focus on my relationship with God. It is always He who knows better than I.

I had a talk with a co-teacher while I was on my way home. I asked her if she was still attending New Life, a christian church. She told me no, not anymore. She is already a Jehovah's Witness and she seemed to be so happy about it. I just felt sad for there she was, already on the right path but because of the christian world's negligence, there she went to another path leading her astray. The religion undermines what Jesus did for us to save us from our sins and He is only considered just the Son of God, a different persona who is just the Son of God. They do not believe the Trinity and I think the Holy Spirit is just an entity for them. Far from what I have learned from my religion. I am not against the believers of this faith only I know the truth about Jesus and the enemy's scheme to underestimate Him and to set our eyes on other things except Him. I am just sad for as a christian, I have the responsibility to witness for Christ and things like this happen with me around. May God give me the strength and the grace to witness for my colleagues and to live a life that is really obedient and servant for Christ.

I am also thinking about a former friend. Maybe, I should really just get used to our situation and besides she is not a big lost in my life. I must admit that she slights my ego but then this is pride so I will just bring to God how I feel towards her so that I can just let go of her completely. Some people indeed are not meant to stay in your life. And you have no choice but to just let them go. Anyway, may God bless her and may she also know Jesus in her life. May God also change how I feel for her and may I just focus on those who could really love me and accept me for who I am warts and all.

I am also thinking about the time I am giving my pupil in the afternoon. This may seem like a small thing but maybe for that child, it makes him feel he is loved and not abandoned. That adults are still trustworthy. I just want to make this world a better and safe place for little children. I am a person who lost her childhood at a very early age for I was already given responsibilities to take care of my younger siblings and to take care of my family also in my own way. Looking at my profile picture now, the child looks like me and I fight back the tears from falling down for I remember the child that I was and if only I could go back in time, I would look for the child that was me and would show her how much she is loved and taken care of by her Heavenly Father. That adults are trustworthy and majority of men are good. The pictures bring bittersweet emotions inside me. I was a happy child albeit the bad things I experienced.

Anyway, my train of thoughts seem to stop now. I will just read some stuff then later will take my rest. Another day was done and I am thankful to God for I am home now, feeling safe and sound. But a bit scary for I feel like I am getting fat again with the rate of my eating now. Hah! Food.

Better This Way

I went to the library again. I saw him and yes, we had our time talking with each other even for just a short time. I guess, it is just better if I will just treat him as my friend and brother for I found myself feeling more comfortable with that.

I guess, I should not run away anymore and treat him just like my friend. I will just be kind to him and treat him just like the others. My soul felt comfort with that. It is better that way.

I guess, I should really cease looking at men as my prospect boyfriend and husband. I should just look at them and treat them as people who need to be loved and to be treated nicely. I will just be kind without involving my feelings and emotions anymore. I just feel more comfortable if I will just condition my mind that they are just friends and brother material, no more, no less.

I am happy for this change in me. Though I should not be so complacent about it. For I might be deceived again by the enemy. I will just treat the men around me like my brothers and my friends and look at them the way God wants me to.


I will just cultivate my spirit. My lovely and beautiful spirit that God has given me. I will always remember how the Proverbs 31 woman acts. I will apply that into my life.

He will be my friend. Only that. No more, no less. It is better, just better this way.

Boundaries of Kindness

Lord,

I am still bothered by my severed relationship with a colleague. Lord, do I still need to make peace with her or not anymore?

Yet again, I guess we really have a peaceful co-existence only that our friendship has been severed. Lord, is it for the better? Probably. For when we were still close, I would just be exposed to inappropriate words and crude, green jokes that would just defile my heart and mind. I guess, it is better this way. Yet, You have taught us to be kind to our enemies. Kind but we don't really have to be friends with them, letting them enter our life and be in our inner circle. Lord, what do You have to say about this? What do I do with my relationship with her even if she is being so cold and indifferent to me?

"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap if we do not give up." -Galatians 6:9, ESV-

I will just do good even if I get negative response. Lord, help me to just handle rejection in a proper and godly way. Help me that in spite of possible rejections, still I will do good knowing that I do those things for You and Your glory. Help me to outgrow the feeling of rejection, help me not to define myself on how others act and respond towards me and only get my definition and meaning as a human being from You. Thank You Father. I don't really have to be friends with them but just at peace. Give me more wisdom for me to understand fully this concept of Yours and apply them in my life. Thank You Lord, Amen.

Boundaries of kindness. I guess, there is no really boundary for that as long as we have God. Only we have limits as to whom we should let inside our lives and our hearts to become our inner circle of friends. Even Jesus did not become friends with everyone when He was here but He was kind and good to everybody. He did not withhold His kindness and goodness; Only He was choosing carefully as to whom He could let inside His life during His time here. I guess, this should be my standpoint and the principle of my life.

Checking Him Out

I checked out that person again on Facebook and I saw that he was now more virtual as regards his relationship with that woman. Not that I still feel sorry for his lost, I guess it was one of the best things that happened to me only I just felt this insecurity again.

Why? Because I saw them. The girl somehow looked good but it's not that she looks better than I (vanity strikes again. Crap!). Only it was different seeing him that way. Maybe because I already really lost the attention that he once gave me but actually in hindsight, it did not really matter at all. I was only feeding my ego and my vanity at his cost. But I guess I was actually the one who paid the price and I am relatively okay now.

Then I saw the FB account of that another person. The smaller one. It was the same picture with him holding hands with a girl. And to think that he has been flirting with me. And to think that I was giving in and actually feeding my emotions about it. Good thing I have friends who keep on moving my head to the right directions. Indeed, most of the time the reason why I would feel bad about myself was because I would keep on desiring what I could not have. I would try to prove something until I proved nothing. Not that I really want them for myself and for them to become a part of my life, only I was feeding my own vanity. At their expense. But then I would eventually find out that the tab was actually on me.

I will just mind my own business and get busy with other things. One thing I have really learned today as I was completing my 60-day course in Setting Captives Free was to let go indeed of anything that hinders me from running the race of life. I got it from Hebrews 12:1. "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. Hebrews 12:1." (NLT)

They just bring me down. They would give me a momentary feeling of elation but afterwards, feelings of inadequacy and frustration. No. It's like I am paying something for the price of two. I am being shortchanged here. It is not going to be easy at all specially the second one since I see him on a daily basis but I can do something about it like not frequenting the library everyday, going there only if there's a need to , just staying in one place and just investing my time and effort on people who really show love, concern and care for me. I know it's not really going to be easy but I can do it by God's grace.

It is almost 7 o'clock in the morning. Time for me to exercise and do my other business around here.

A Prayer of Query

Dear Lord,

Lord, I am thinking right now. I am thinking about that girl who was raped and violently killed by those monsters. It was so hateful and so sad that even though I don't know her personally, I still feel this anger inside me for those good-for-nothing perpetrators and I feel sorry and pity for her family.

Lord, from what I heard and from what I have deduced, she was a christian. Or her family. Lord, probably her parents were also praying for her constantly for You to protect her. I don't know. There is also this idea inside my head that maybe the reason why she was so brave to go out on that wee hour of the morning was because she trusted You for Your protection. But then that violent and senseless thing happened to her that cost her her life.

Lord, I am sorry if I am thinking this way. I am sorry if I am having these ideas inside my head. I am also a girl. I have a sister too. Lord, I am just scared. I don't know. I cannot question You why did You allow such a thing happen. But I cannot help it. That incident has made me feel insecure. That I cannot trust You enough. I am sorry if I think and feel this way.

Lord, but this is not fair to You. It was the enemy's doing and yet You are the One being questioned. Lord, it has always been conventional wisdom not to go out that early yet she did. But still, was it the price that she had to pay for her moment of folly?

Lord, if she was a christian, she is in heaven now with You. Lord, I don't know what would become of her death to our society and to our justice system but still You are the One who knows everything. Lord, I will still trust in You and yes Lord, I will use more of the wisdom be it conventional or spiritual that You have given us. Lord, please pacify my heart and give it peace in this time of my confusion and queries. You know better than I. Better than we. Lord, I just pray for her family for You to comfort and love them specially during this time of their mourning.

The enemy is just trying to divert my attention again and make me feel insecure and question Your trustworthiness and faithfulness. It was of his doing, not Yours. You allowed it to happen for reasons only You know and could answer. Someday Lord, I pray for her family to be able to understand everything that happened. That they may still find meaning for her meaningless death.

Grateful For God's Unconditional Love

“In the distant future, when you are suffering all these things, you will finally return to the Lord your God and listen to what he tells you. For the Lord your God is a merciful God; He will not abandon you or destroy you or forget the solemn covenant he made with your ancestors." -Deuteronomy 4:30-31 NLT-

I am thinking right now and just simply thankful at the same time. I am thinking about how loving and forgiving God is. How patient He is and just faithful He is no matter what.

I am thinking about a relationship that I had with a friend and now we have become estranged. All because of a misunderstanding that was not entirely my fault. I believe it so and I am not being self-righteous and delusional about it. Though I must admit that I had my mistakes too but in everything whether be it positive or negative, it always takes two to tango. The misunderstanding led to discord and then to indifference and to just not caring about each other at all.

It is just so sad for on my part I was willing to make amends and make up with her. But it seems like on her part, she does not share my sentiments. It is just so saddening for according to another friend she seems to be the type of person who has her pride so sky high, who thinks that after everything that you have done to her, the good things, if you commit one mistake, then those good things would be meaningless. So sad that she thinks that way. I am sad that she thinks of me that way. Yet, I am thankful for the God that I know, the God that I serve, the God in my life is not like that. If I commit mistake and no matter how grave it is, He is still there, willing to forgive. But it is not and never a license to commit the same mistake over and over again. I am just grateful that God does not have that kind of thinking. That although He is the real and pure definition of perfection, He still forgives and understands humans so imperfect and flawed but not without admonishing us and disciplining us.

I am just sad yet somehow I have accepted already this state for I cannot force anyone to love and accept me. And somehow, that kind of person is not someone I really can call a friend. I am not perfect, I am a mistake-prone human being so I know that sooner or later I might again commit a mistake or two. I will just stick with friends who will accept me and understand me still in times of my weakness and of course to my God who loves and will still love me albeit my imperfections and shortcomings. For He transforms me everyday from glory to glory. I am just happy for these truths in my life and yes, just like what a gospel song says, "I'll live my life that says, You give me every song, with my every breath I'll make Your mercy known. With every soul on earth or all alone, I will love You..."
Lord,I pray that I will live a life like this for You. Thank You for Your forgiveness and for Your loving-kindness to me in every way.
Thank You Lord and I love You Father.

Philosophy About Children

I have been thinking about the topic that I should talk and give exhortation about for this project. I contemplated and even planned to read some books and articles for me to give my critique to but due to some focal and professional issues and constraints on my part, I made this last-minute decision on just coming up with my own philosophy in life and in education, a field of which I am currently involved and intend to be for as long as I live.

I am a teacher of younger children. When you say young they are those who are still in the bracket of early childhood. I have been with them for the past three years and to tell you honestly, those three years have not been so easy but very fulfilling. I have seen some facets of myself that if I had not been given the chance to work with them, would have not surfaced.

My previous jobs entailed me to work with adults and some children as well and they were fine. I did not have a hard time. But I was already exposed to younger children before for I had an experience mingling with some who happened to be my cousin's pupils in the public school and also I had my volunteer work in a our local Day Care center before. I found out during those times that I had my way with kids. Even to this day.

In my previous school, the first formal school that I worked for, I handled Grade 5 pupils and they were not really a handful lot. It was easy to interact with them let alone give them instructions. I could just leave them on their own and I would just facilitate the classroom. Though there were episodes of behavioral problems, still I was able to manage them. Yet, something would stir up inside me whenever I would see the younger lot, those who belonged to Preschool up to Grades 1 and 2. But I did not see myself teaching them. I thought it was difficult. But my coordinator back then kept on telling me that come the next school year, she would place me in the lower levels for I really showed my ways with little kids. I did not believe it at first for it was not what I really wanted to believe maybe because I was too scared to go out of my comfort zone. But God had His other plans. He placed me in the institution I am in right now, put me in the lower level, touched my heart to love what I am doing and the rest, they say is history.

So what am I trying to say right now? What philosophy I came up with? Of course, it is about something that is closest to my heart. A belief that could really touch my heart. My belief about children. My philosophy about children.

I believe that children have a mind of their own. That we cannot fool them. That they are thinking and analytical beings endowed by God with functioning brains. That we should not underestimate the power of the children's mind. That we should not sugarcoat truth with them. They already know the truth in fact before we knew it. That if we would only listen to them carefully, if we would only take the time to know their thoughts and their opinions, we would realize that they are sensible and sometimes more conscientious than us, adults.

I believe that children need to be listened to, need not be underestimated. Children have to be respected and to be given time to express more of themselves, to be given opportunity to see the other side of humanity.


My philosophy basically stands on the premise of respect and time to be given to little children. Respect in a way that their opinions are to be given value and let them speak their minds not really to their heart's content but with a certain degree of consideration for others. My philosophy is that we, adults should take the time to just simply let them know and feel that someone really listens, someone really cares for them. Children somehow should be treated as our equal in loving, respectful and considerate ways.

I am blessed that I am given this sublime calling to teach and be involved with the young ones of our generation. I am grateful that I am given the chance to listen and to know what is really going on in a child's world. I am overjoyed for I am able to see and help mold the future generation we will have. I have learned already from the adults around me. I am thankful for I am given chance by God to do things differently with those little children.