Decided

I have decided.

Yes, I have decided to indeed give myself the respect and love it really deserves.

I decided to cut all my communications with him and even with the people who are connected to him and me.

I did this because at the end of the day, I have realized that it is I who really matter and it is I who really could do something about it.

There's no pity party anymore. There will be no room for what if's or for any regret. Cutting our communication was one of the best decisions I have made in my life.

Yes, I still have feelings for him. My spiritual retreat and my encounter with God could not take the feelings away,just yet. In time, I will be totally healed by His grace and there will come a day that I will just laugh about the silliness and the craziness and the changes of sim cards that I did all throughout my ordeal.

It was the best thing for me to do. Though I still miss him and still pine for him if I have to be honest with myself, I really needed to let go. Because my interaction with him was not really healthy for me after all. I experienced lots of "diseases." Bouts of illusions, paranoiditis (extreme at that), episodes of depressions and chronic insecurities. The question is, was he worth all of these? Were his messages, his boring text messages worth all of these? I don't think so. These were unhealthy symptoms and mind you, they were not easy to handle and take.

I am so grateful to God for helping me get out of the mess I was throwing myself into. I am so thankful that He never gave up and that He gave me wisdom to choose what was the best thing for me to do. I will always be grateful to Him, my Heavenly Father.

In time, I will be healed. Probably in the future we could still be good friends and we could be comfortable with each other. For now, I really need to guard my heart and to give back to myself the self-respect I inadvertently yet willingly lost. I need to obey God and have Him have His way in me. Though I will say that it is not easy. If only I could just erase my emotions, if only I could just stop really caring for him.

What made me decide? I just felt that it was wrong that I was actually giving him a part of myself, of my heart with the way I was showing concern for him. With the way that I cared for him, I was already investing to him my emotions. My precious yet fragile emotions. While he, he was only probably thinking that what we were doing were just nothing. They were just "simple" and "harmless" text messages sent to a friend by a friend. Nothing. He could just take for granted and forget in a minute. Yet for me, everything was already precious. See the difference? It was like I was giving diamonds and he was only paying for the price of bronze. Unfair, isn't it?

So I made up my mind. I really did. And though it is not easy I know I will make it through. By God's grace. All by God's grace.

I will still pray for him. He will still be included in my prayers. But no communication. If he wants to be friends with me, make time for me, he should come to my house and invest in me. That's the proper way to do it.

For I am a child of God. I am His precious and treasured princess.

Last Act of "Change"

I changed my sim card again. For nth time, I did. I hope this would really be the last time and that this would last.

I hate myself. I hate myself for waiting for him, for thinking that there was something that was going on with him too. I was stupid that I got so emotional about him. All I want to do is really cry. Curl up in my room and cry.

I just hope and pray that this tempest will soon be over. That I will get over him. I don't want to go through this ordeal again. I am so badly wounded already. Really, I am. All I want to do is just sleep.

I still have tons of things to do. I have been so distracted. I am so tired already. Really I am. All I want to do is just simply take a rest.

Learning From This Fiasco

Yes, I have learned a lot from this fiasco. I know I am not the same person that I was before all because of this experience.

Yes, I opened myself up to that possibility and I almost forgot, risk. I exposed
myself to be hurt and yes, I am right now.

But I have grown and it's for the better. I thought I already knew things about men but I proved myself to be quite naive. Now, I emerged from this experience as a wiser and discerning person and woman. I am now all set to be more careful and really be one at that, this and next time around.

I cannot blame him. He is only the typical man who acts typically just like the rest of his kind. Maybe, he was just a smooth operator or probably I did not get the signs enough. Maybe, I have overestimated his actions, have misunderstood those simple acts of "friendship" as being acts of more than that. In reality, he was not just into me, that's all.

Our conversations did not go any deeper. I don't know him well. I only created illusions of him in my mind. My mistake: I already created "our" future together in my mind. They were all just mere concoctions of my weird imagination. And now that I was forced down into reality, the fall was quite hard and painful.

I have forgiven him already, in fact I am not really angry with him or anyone else. He might have misled me with his words but maybe he did not intend those things to be taken that way. I was the only one who took them the way I did. He was just being friendly, I was just being excited to have a "more-than-that" relationship with him. I was just so romanticized with my false and fabricated notions that I forgot there actually is the "reality" going on.

I don't know. For now, I will just avoid him and the people close to him for me to be healed. To be healed totally. To accept that maybe, I only have to leave and have him in my "friends' zone." He is a good man, I know. He is not so bad. I just did not know him that much and how his mind works that is why I reacted like this.

I believe still in the goodness of his heart. If he were that bad, then he would have taken advantage of me even if he was not interested. I am letting go of him as my potential boyfriend. I hope someday, we can still be friends and be very good friends at that.

I am taking this moment, this time alone to heal. To have my relationship with God and myself fixed. I am happy I already can think this way. Maybe, I can still show kindness and concern to our common friends and even his family but in time. Maybe soon, probably much later. Depends on how quickly I will be healed totally. There is no bitterness in me whatsoever. If he is really in love with that woman, then so be it. I just hope that they will be happy and she will take good care of him and love him for who he is, not for what he has.

This is painful, this letting go thing. But I need this in order for me to go forward. I feel lighter now but the pain is still here. I know, in time this will all go away. And I will just smile at him sincerely and honestly say, "I am happy to have met you."

I know everything happens for a reason. Maybe, my season with him, his arrival in my life was just meant to teach me things about myself, about my ideals, about the things that I really believe in. What I am willing to give of myself to other people. His season with me taught me not to overuse my emotions but use my head as well, simultaneously. That I don't have to always be available for someone, to not give a significant part of my heart when it is not yet time for me to do so. That I have to know my real value so that others will not devalue me for my true worth.

For now, all the cares, concern and affection that I have, I will give to the people who are with me and who also give me just the same. I know, someday someone will come into my life, and by then I can release again my heart freely and wholly.

Someday...(^^,)

Anxiety Attacked Again

I already told our common friend about it. Well, not all but the summary and gist of what I received yesterday. Of course, she said that it was how he called that girl. It has a different meaning for me.

I just felt that probably, they are not really on my side. How could I even think that way in the first place? I have been so assuming so I will better stop all this nonsense.

I am distancing myself from them. I am really going to just move on with my life and have nothing to do with them. It is so sad it has to end this way but I guess, it is just better this way. I will stop and I have already stopped.

Our common friend told me that I go to their house. What for? To make a fool out of myself again? Am I asking for an explanation? No I am not. I am just letting her know and that's all.

You know what I feel and think now? The heck with them! I am just going to mind my own business now, move on with my life and avoid them at all cost. Besides, I do not need anything from them. Never once did I ask for a favor from them, let alone disturb them. So there's nothing for me to feel and be guilty about.

Now I have learned to really be careful with the people that I will let inside my heart and life. To avoid further heartaches and pain. I have indeed learned my lessons. Better to have a few, real and dependable ones than to have many but superficial ones.

I will be polite with them but that will be all. I am tired already. That fateful day in October has already caused me too much heartache and cost me a lot of tears. There is always a time for everything and now is the time for me to totally give up and let go of every stupidities and false beliefs that I have inside my mind.

I am not a person to be messed around with. I respect myself and I have my dignity. He is not enough for me to lose even just a gram of it.

I will just go on. That's all. And avoid all of them at all cost.

Sinful Day

I had a day today. I will never forget this day, March 15, 2012 as long as I live. Well, probably. I am not sure.

I already found out the truth. I don't know what is really hurting in me. My pride or my heart. I am not even sure. All I know is that right now, I am feeling this discomfort and it sucks to the core.

I cussed like a pirate the whole day today. I was not a good testimony. I was angry, I was hurt. I was trampled on. I want to take revenge but I don't know how. Maybe the best revenge for me now is just to maintain my silence. My dead silence.

I found out the truth about today. About that scum/scoundrel/idiot/imbecile/moron/retarded/you name something wrong, he has it. He was texting me, keeping me high when all of a sudden, bang! I found out the ugly truth that actually has been playing in my mind for a long time.

The ghost that I created in my mind suddenly became a reality and it hit me right on my face.

He actually has a girl already. I don't know but maybe that relationship was physical or I don't really know, maybe intellectual (if they have any brains at all!) so that is it. I found out because stupid that he was, (I have always known though I was blinded by that silly "infatuation")he mistakenly sent a message to me that was actually intended for that girl. I did not know how to feel nor to react. All I felt was numbness and I was trembling. My eyes were so wide and dilated I looked like an addict after a weed session. I was looking really funny that time. But still cute and pretty.

I don't know. I could not cry anymore though I wanted to. Probably because I already found out the answer. My questions have been answered and I have seen the man that he really is.

I just created an illusion of him in my mind. My ideal. Truly, you can never really know how a person really operates inside and out unless you are with him or her for quite a time.

I am awaken now. My heart, yes, badly wounded but it is now the start of its mending. No more silliness nor stupidities about him. My crying time is over. I am free from all my delusions and I thank God for this disillusionment.

No, there will never be a pity party. I will just go on and move on with my life like nothing happened. God will be the One who will make him pay, not me. All I need to do is just do my business, be serious with it, live for each day given me and most of all, get real.

My instincts were right all along. I should have listened to it.Maybe it was not really the instincts but the Holy Spirit. I thank God for His wonderful blessings.

I am really sorry for the bad words I said today. I know I was not a good testimony and may God forgive me. I will also forgive him. May he be blessed by God still and may he be restored by Him. For now, I just don't want to have anything to do with him. Probably until tomorrow and the days to come.

No more trying to please everyone. No more trying to be simple, dainty and yes, simple-minded. I am a smart, strong-willed girl who loves and adores books to the bones. I also have a cute face and I am aware of that. I am also blessed with a humongous brain and a functional common sense plus good friends and wonderful family especially a good mother at that. God will soon give me my own husband in His time. And that man will be my partner, I will be his partner to make this world a lovelier and better place to live.

Going back to my common sense, it was indeed working for I was able to control those stupid urges that I would have had regretted doing eventually. My common sense just got the best of me and I am thankful to God for that. My emotions were still strong at the time but my common sense, my sensibility won me over.

Anyway, enough of this for now. I know, I have written again something I can be proud of. Something that I can laugh about. Good thing, this happened as early as now for me to avoid further damages. I think he has also some issues in his life that he has to deal with and thank God, I was spared to deal with them too. I just have enough burden to last me a year or two.

I will study now. That's the better way to respond to this craziness.

Letting Go...As In

Maybe, he is not really meant for me. Probably because the nature of his job and even his personality will never match mine.

As much as I wanted to enter his world, it's like there's this forbidden door that I could never enter. This door that probably God already closed and fool that I was, I was still trying to open.

I don't know. But I am opening myself up to other possibilities. He will just be one of the choices not really the choice.

I just hope he will have a good life and yes, I will still pray that he'll be able to encounter God and have a good relationship with Him. And I will also pray for my partner in life whom I can have a glorifying to God relationship with.

I will still pray and will be more faithful. Maybe, he was just out there somewhere and we are still yet to meet. (^^,)

Waste of Time

I am faced with reality now. I am now given the chance to look at things realistically. I am now given the gift of looking at things in their proper prospective.

Things will not work out between us. Unless he is really indeed trying to get to know me. But no. He is not. No effort whatsoever. I can't understand things. Or properly put it, things don't happen the way I understand them so I am like this.

He does not call. He only texts from time to time telling me about his whereabouts no more, no less. There is no deepening. No seed of anything will grow if things go on like this. I am tired. I was the only one who made the conversation going. And already, I came to the point that I already had nothing left to say nor ask so I had to stop.

Stop this foolishness, stop this stupidity. There is life out there for me. There are people I am yet to meet and relationships I need to nurture more and care for . Our relationship is basically...nothing. Just a mere acquaintance. And I am tired of this.

I want ours to grow deeper. But no, it does not happen. I don't even know how to maintain a sensible conversation with him, let alone start a meaningful one. If I could metaphorically describe it, ours is like a shallow and stagnant fountain. It just goes round and round in the same place. It does not go anywhere. Boring...

I don't know. All I want to do is just to go on and move on with my life. That's all.

My efforts to be close to him were all in vain. It was only a waste of time. My seemingly relationship with him was only a waste of time. I have other and better things to do.

I must admit that I am hurt because I am treated this way. I cannot help but ask myself sometimes, what if I were the typical peaches-and-cream that he likes? What if I were endowed with a beauty queen-like beauty, would he be treating me the same way?

These are just questions but they really hurt my ego and self-esteem. But who is he in the first place? He is just a seaman, someone that if I were the same, old me with very high yardsticks when it comes to choice of men, he would not be in the top ten list in the first place. I am just now at the age and season when I already lowered down my standards already to give myself a chance. But probably lowering down my standards did not benefit me at all.

Those men are just masochists, chauvinist pigs who think they own the world because they have heaps of money. What if the international maritime industry would not accept Filipino seamen anymore, where would they go? I am now thinking.

Oh, I am becoming condescending again. Maybe because I am in real pain and this is how I am coping. I am now guarding my heart. I am sticking to my resolves. There will be no texting him anymore. There will be nothing anymore. I will erase our contacts and this time, I will do it for real.

Good thing he stopped texting already. Maybe that was an answered prayer. If he is not meant for me, then he will stop. Indeed, he did. So there's no point of me still saving his number.

This is just sad things have to end up like this. This time around, my mind will dominate me. Until the day I will open my heart again to that one true love God has intended me to have.

Controlling Myself

Right now, I am having the urge to text him.

But this has to stop. And I have to control myself because I will be the one at the losing end.

Maybe, I just got so excited that looking back, I want to laugh hysterically with my exaggerated reaction. He only texted me and asked about me but I thought of him as my groom someday. I equated his messages as his marriage proposal already. Funny, isn't it?

I guess, I really have to get over this and even outgrow this tendency of mine to interpret on my own guys' actions towards me. For if it were just an ordinary guy who I don't have any feelings for, then his messages will just be ordinary and will not mean anything to me.

Now, in order for me to not feed my emotions and feelings for him, I will stop and really control and seriously hold the reigns tightly especially when I seemingly miss him and want to talk to him. It is as if he can do something for me too.

Anyway, I saw someone so cute today but I will just focus on God for now so that I will really know the way to go in my life.

Mother Knows Best

I am sad now but I guess this helped me put myself back into reality.

My mom and I talked about him. She told me to control my feelings and use my brains more for me to not get hurt in the end.

I was just too happy. I was just too overjoyed because he texted me again. I did not even see that there were also red flags. If he really were interested as I assumed him to be, why only texting me? Why not call me?

He even joked that I be the one to call him. Why did he even suggest that albeit jokingly? Maybe he sensed that I care for him more than he does to me?

Probably, I am only a past time. One he could just text if there is any convenient time. One he could just stop talking to when things get so busy and he does not have any spare to use. Maybe I was just his "anti-boredom."

I guess, that simple talk with my mom was God's way to put me back into reality. I was just so excited and probably so in love that I overlooked or tried to overlook those things. I guess, I will just have to keep my heart open for other possibilities.

I am hurt. But I guess, I need the truth to be slapped at my face. I need reality to bang my heart forcefully again. For me to get the real and proper and factual perspective of things.

Honestly, I feel tired falling in love now. It's as if life is just toying with my feelings. I will just get on with my life and live the way that I should be. For now, all I need to focus on are my projects and my dirty laundry.

Vacillating and Quite Bored...

We already talked. It felt good. I finally had him find me. He did. it was good.

But suddenly I felt...bored.

I don't know. Maybe because the chase is over. Maybe because it's not difficult for me to have him.

I don't know. I will just wait. Wait and wait. For now, I will just focus on things that I need to do. I will rest for a while and then will cook like crazy again.

I feel silly, really I do.

Lord, what is happening to me?

Walking with Tears

I was walking a while ago when I threaded the path where we walked. It was such a bittersweet memory I could not help but shed some tears.

I miss him. I wish I did not destroy my sim card, I wish I had been more objective and logical. I really miss him but I cannot do anything but pray and wait what will happen next.

I am honestly afraid of losing someone I did not have. But what can I do? I only have my mind and pieces of information about him to get me by.

I miss him a lot. God knows I do. It breaks my heart each day knowing he is out there. I hope he is doing fine and yes, feeling well. I pray for his health, for his safety.

I miss him. I miss him a lot, it hurts so much.