Sinful Day

I had a day today. I will never forget this day, March 15, 2012 as long as I live. Well, probably. I am not sure.

I already found out the truth. I don't know what is really hurting in me. My pride or my heart. I am not even sure. All I know is that right now, I am feeling this discomfort and it sucks to the core.

I cussed like a pirate the whole day today. I was not a good testimony. I was angry, I was hurt. I was trampled on. I want to take revenge but I don't know how. Maybe the best revenge for me now is just to maintain my silence. My dead silence.

I found out the truth about today. About that scum/scoundrel/idiot/imbecile/moron/retarded/you name something wrong, he has it. He was texting me, keeping me high when all of a sudden, bang! I found out the ugly truth that actually has been playing in my mind for a long time.

The ghost that I created in my mind suddenly became a reality and it hit me right on my face.

He actually has a girl already. I don't know but maybe that relationship was physical or I don't really know, maybe intellectual (if they have any brains at all!) so that is it. I found out because stupid that he was, (I have always known though I was blinded by that silly "infatuation")he mistakenly sent a message to me that was actually intended for that girl. I did not know how to feel nor to react. All I felt was numbness and I was trembling. My eyes were so wide and dilated I looked like an addict after a weed session. I was looking really funny that time. But still cute and pretty.

I don't know. I could not cry anymore though I wanted to. Probably because I already found out the answer. My questions have been answered and I have seen the man that he really is.

I just created an illusion of him in my mind. My ideal. Truly, you can never really know how a person really operates inside and out unless you are with him or her for quite a time.

I am awaken now. My heart, yes, badly wounded but it is now the start of its mending. No more silliness nor stupidities about him. My crying time is over. I am free from all my delusions and I thank God for this disillusionment.

No, there will never be a pity party. I will just go on and move on with my life like nothing happened. God will be the One who will make him pay, not me. All I need to do is just do my business, be serious with it, live for each day given me and most of all, get real.

My instincts were right all along. I should have listened to it.Maybe it was not really the instincts but the Holy Spirit. I thank God for His wonderful blessings.

I am really sorry for the bad words I said today. I know I was not a good testimony and may God forgive me. I will also forgive him. May he be blessed by God still and may he be restored by Him. For now, I just don't want to have anything to do with him. Probably until tomorrow and the days to come.

No more trying to please everyone. No more trying to be simple, dainty and yes, simple-minded. I am a smart, strong-willed girl who loves and adores books to the bones. I also have a cute face and I am aware of that. I am also blessed with a humongous brain and a functional common sense plus good friends and wonderful family especially a good mother at that. God will soon give me my own husband in His time. And that man will be my partner, I will be his partner to make this world a lovelier and better place to live.

Going back to my common sense, it was indeed working for I was able to control those stupid urges that I would have had regretted doing eventually. My common sense just got the best of me and I am thankful to God for that. My emotions were still strong at the time but my common sense, my sensibility won me over.

Anyway, enough of this for now. I know, I have written again something I can be proud of. Something that I can laugh about. Good thing, this happened as early as now for me to avoid further damages. I think he has also some issues in his life that he has to deal with and thank God, I was spared to deal with them too. I just have enough burden to last me a year or two.

I will study now. That's the better way to respond to this craziness.