Challenged and Pressured Now

Last semester, I slacked down big time because the professor that we had was not that motivating.

Now, I am facing another challenging semester. This time, I need to study and read a lot. I am now questioning my decision to stay in that major. In that course. I had plans to shift from Early Childhood Education to Literature but I buckled for I thought of the time already spent and probably would be wasted if I did not push through. Now I am already starting to feel the weight of that decision.

My major is good, helpful for me in fact but honestly this is really challenging for with the way things go right now, there might be this possibility that I might be absent from work just to do my research outside Cavite. I am praying that it won't happen and will still continue doing so.

Maybe, now is the time for me to really put my focus and energy into something deeper and more meaningful in my life. Now is the time that I should be asking myself what are my real priorities and the lasting effects my decisions now and the would-be ones will create.

I am praying that I don't have to absent anymore. I can give more time but to absent from work will be my last resort. Yet, I am already open to that option but I will still pray that it will not happen. By God's grace, it will not. I am counting on to God regarding this.

God Has A Plan

Last night, I heard my mother talking to my brother about his going home quite late every Sunday. The reason according to what they were talking about last night, was my brother's pastor and almost father figure in church got detained for punching a man who almost hit them while they were crossing a street in Cubao. The man happened to be a rich person and supposed to be, the pastor was to be released on Friday but it was stalled and in fact their group visited him yesterday, a Sunday.

It saddened me. I was already sleeping but I was hearing them and it really made me so sad. I could not help but ask God why? That person was good and there he was, detained and experiencing injustice. While that person who almost hit them who also happened to be rich is enjoying the privilege of his being privileged when in fact he should be the one inside languishing.There are indeed reasons why things happen and this one will really make one find for those reasons and find ways to make sense why it happened in the first place.

I am sad. Yet, I remember Habakkuk. His book was all about his questions to God why bad things were prevalent during his time and those wicked ones were seemingly enjoying the good things this world could offer. Looking at the things that were happening now, one could not blame Habakkuk from asking God why. That pastor was a man of God, he just came from church maybe and he ended up in jail. All because of someone's recklessness and imprudence.

God has His purpose. He has His plans. One could never understand what He is up to unless we ask for His guidance. All we need to do is to give Him all the reign and let go of what we hold on to. This is also a time for prayer. To pray for those who need it and to consistently appeal to Him.

I don't really know him as a person. But I am prodded inside me to just pray for Him. For God to keep him safe and guide him as he goes through this ordeal. And to pray for that rich man, whoever he is. That God will open his eyes and may He deal with him. It is not good to pray that he may be severely punished but may God just deal with him. According to His infinite wisdom and grace.

I am thinking. Everything indeed happens for a reason, bad ones included. I also have my own struggles and I could never do it alone and make it through without Him in my life. All I need to do is to just put Him first in everything. First as in my number one priority. Maybe, yesterday the reason why I was restless and was missing someone unworthy was because I did not put God first in my life. I was so worried about things that could be under and even beyond my control. When all I can do is ask Him. And He will make a way.

My restlessness and undisciplined disposition yesterday was all because of poor spiritual condition.My heart deceived me again. Yet, I will pray. I will just continue with my faith. And I will pray for that person.

It Still Hurts

It still hurts. I still bleed deep inside my heart.

I miss him even if he's the most inappropriate person in the world for me. Even if he's the worst person in the world. I still miss him. I miss him. So much I would explode.

He is not the one for me...He is not the one. I did the right thing, I know.

But doing the right thing hurts. It hurts too much, I feel this restlessness inside me.

It is not easy to live like this. But this is the right thing to do.

I have been trying to keep myself busy. But I still think about him. I can't understand myself. Something's really wrong. I know there is.

God, please help me. I want to cry. I want to cry.

Missing Him Now

I still miss that person. I cannot understand myself. I know it is wrong and I cannot go back to the past anymore. I know he is a completely different person now. He is not the person that he used to be.

I cannot hide it anymore. I am sad. Sad because I lost him. The good person in him. Now, who I am talking with is totally different person. He is so different. I miss the person that he used to be. The person I have learned to love.

There's no turning back. He had his faults too. And I have mine. I know he does not deserve me in any way but I still miss him. I miss him a lot. I may be smiling but deep inside I am feeling this pain of losing that person. The person who used to greet me in the morning, the one who made me feel so special. I miss him.

Yet, I have to let go. Maybe this is just the consequence of all the selfishness that I made and did before. And I still have to live with this pain until it will completely go away.

If only I could turn back the hands of time, I would have done things differently. I would have made sounder and better decisions. I am in pain now. I cannot hide the sadness anymore. I have to face the truth. That I am sad. By God's grace, I'll make it through. The experience somehow brought out the worst and best in me.

I still miss him but I must let go, must and will move on...