Forgiveness is the Key

Forgiveness is the key.

Yes, I am disappointed with someone, my boss and I am also disappointed with my so-called friends. Yet, I am still grateful for these humbling experiences for they have taught me to become more humble and to rely on God more.

I thought this year in our level would be the best one for me, I had my hopes high, I set them so high. Yet, I have proven that this has become my worst but I guess I should refrain from calling it that way. I must say this year has been such an "educational" one for me.

I have learned not to really depend on other people as regards your security and status. People will really disappoint you most of the time and sadly these are the unlikeliest ones whom you thought at first will never let you down. I guess, I have just become so arrogant and so bitchy that I thought many people could tolerate me. Yet, I am wrong. Terribly wrong.

I have learned also to not be so trusting. Use wisdom and discernment that God graciously gives. I have also learned never to say bad things behind other people's back. That's so immature. And really evil. I was a perpetrator that turned into a victim and it is really painful.

I have learned my lessons well. Yet, I will still be grateful because I have learned something from them. I know better next time. I will be early to work, I will be more efficient and professional especially as regards my job and work and I will be a more productive individual albeit the negative things that surround me. Maybe I am just being pulled out from my comfort zone. Maybe life is trying to shake me and pump me up again to become a better individual so that God's plans will become more evident in my life.

I thank God for these humbling experiences. I forgive those people for they are just doing what they are meant to do in my life. I will learn from these experiences and will continue to look at the better and brighter side of things. I will do good regardless of what others think about me. I will conquer myself so that the better one, the one that God intends me to be will emerge.

Lord, I know I am just being pulled out of my comfort zone. Thank You for these setbacks for they are so humbling and really educational ones for me. Thank You Lord. Thank You for breaking my arrogance, thank You for pulling out the weed of pride and irresponsibility in me. Thank You Lord.

I will bounce back with a vengeance. Hahahahahaha!!!

Feeling Isolated...

Sometimes, I feel isolated.

Isolated from the person I love the most.

It seems like he is not really interested in what I do and who I am.

He does not go deep into my soul.

I feel isolated. Really I do.

It is like I am still walking my own road, my own path. It is like I am being loved for what I can give not for who I am.

I feel so sad about it. Really I do.

Saying Goodbye To The One I Truly Love

I am saying goodbye to you.
You who I have learned to love and have learned to let go for how many times already.
I have given my heart now to someone who loves me dearly. And I believe I can love him as much as I do you or even more.

I thought I could wait. I thought I could be that foolish to hold on to something so uncertain, so unreal. Yet, now I have already waken up from my bittersweet dream.

Goodbye, my true love. Goodbye and may you also have your own heart's desires.

I am going my own way now, with the person who loves me, with the person who values me. With the person who I know will not hurt me the way you did for so many times.

Goodbye and yes, if we'll see each other again I can look you in the eyes and tell you, thank you for letting me find my own way and find the person who I can give my heart and love to.

The person who really deserves it and the person who I know is just good to and for me.

Goodbye my love and may God always take care of you and protect you.

Uncomplicated

I am not complicated. I am not. I know that. I just don't like something when I am making it so. That's all. Many people have been telling me that I am so complicated. I make things complicated. No. I think I am just trying to find a way out. Way out of something that I know will not get me anywhere and something I know I don't want to be in the first place. No, I am just a simple girl. The yes-no type. I am more into dichotomous response. Everything should be black or white for me. No gray areas. Everything clear. Someone I liked in the past told me I was complicated. No, it's just that my feelings for him would get me nowhere. Someone who I thought I liked and really likes me told me last night that I was complicated. No, it's just that I don't feel like being with him that's all. Maybe, I just did not want to hurt anyone's feelings. So I tried to be politically correct as much as possible. Yet, when doing so I am being tagged as someone who has such a topsy-turvy mind. All I want is someone who can stimulate me. Someone who can be my partner in life. Someone who can really be my partner. Someone who is stable, someone who has a clear vision for himself. No, he does not have to so rich nor handsome. Not that kind. He only has to have God in his heart and he has to be stable in all aspects of his life because he will me and we'll have our children when we are together. I am not complicated. I just know what I want in life and I am going to stick to it.

Dear Papa

Dear Papa, I am sorry for everything I did. For being rebellious at times and for disrespecting you in ways unimaginable. I am sorry for my disobedience, for my being biased towards mama. I am sorry if you ever felt that we love you less. I am also sorry for insulting you before. For looking down at your job. How foolish I was to think that way. The job that I condescendingly look down to is the same job that has provided food on our table, has given us a good house and community, has provided for us all through the years. You are not perfect. You have your flaws but those things do not give us any reason to become disrespectful towards you. Papa, I am sorry. Albeit my strong-willed personality, my obstinacy and hard-headedness, deep inside I am still a little girl who wants to have your approval. Who wants to be loved by you. Papa, I am sorry I cannot be like you. You know what? I met a guy who is just like you. He was initially not my type but probably the reason why I am holding on to him is because I want to fulfill your dreams to have a son like you through him. My brothers are not like you so maybe deep inside the recesses of my heart lies this desire to give you what you have always dreamed of. Realizing that if I could do it, if he were to become my husband, then you will have someone in the family whom you will have something in common with. Papa, I am sorry. I was not able to make it. I was not able to do it. Maybe because God, my Heavenly Father has a better and more beautiful plan for me. Yet, papa, inspite of this, I will still love you just as much. I by God's grace, will do my best to become a good, loving and obedient daughter. Though we fought terribly before, it does not mean that I love you less. It just made me feel guilty and more sorry than ever. Happy Father's Day tomorrow, Papa! May God always guide you and may He bless the works of your hands. May your life be anchored in Him always. I love you, papa. Take care. BEE

Emotional Rollercoaster

I learned many things today. I am tired. It was such an emotional roller coaster ride. I am tired of it. Very tired. It was a mind opener. I am not sad. Only I was given a way out. I am tired. I am not going to feel any insecurity anymore. I will become more confident of myself and will love myself more for this is who I am and made of. I think it would be better to just let that person go. How do I feel each time something happens that involves him? I feel this up and downs of emotions. There is no security. Only insecurity. I deserve better than this. I deserve better than made to feel like I am just a second fiddle. My heart and life and love are too precious to be trampled on. And they are to be given to that someone who really deserves them fully. Lord, I need Your guidance and Your protection now. Help me. Help me. Help me to be stronger to deal with this tempest. Something's coming up and I know I cannot do it all alone. I cannot do it without You. Help me. Help me not to put my heart above my head. Help me to become wiser, stronger and more patient especially as regards my faith. Thank You very much.

Control issues

I am thinking right now. How the turn or events for the past one week has sent me down into downward spiral again. I was on the brink of sickness only probably I have a better and stronger immune system. It all started last week when we started talking again. I really have to accept the fact that I could not just avoid him that easy. We stopped talking for two months. I thought things ended already but he was the one who made the move to find me again. And he did find me. So things and thoughts started swirling inside my lovely head again. Then my mother who was always negative about him kept on injecting negative things and ideas on him in my head. I became so sad. It pained me a lot. But now, I have given things some thoughts. Yes, he does not like me a lot the way I do to him but I can do some things for him to see right through me. I know, I need to improve some areas of my personality but I need to maintain my being "me." Unlike before. Yes, I like him, I want to take care of him, I am so in love with his family and I am going to fight for him. So he can also fight for me as well. I am not closing doors for him. Yet, I am doing these things not just for him but for me as well. Either ways, it will be a win-win situation for me. If he would not fall in love with me albeit the progress and transformation, then we are not really meant for each other. I used to fight for William before. I seemed to move almost all the heavens and the earth just for him to like me. It did not work. For we were not meant to be. Not because something was wrong with me. Only we were not really meant for each other. I hope this time, this would last. I will pray. I will pray for a miracle. I will do something about myself, I will make myself even more beautiful and classy, stronger and smarter. More talented and just high class. A very high class female. Probably I might catch his eyes this time. If not, then I will just move on. No more negative thoughts nor negative feelings. Only doing what's best and becoming more proactive for what will be the best. St. Augustine said it well, "Do what you can do and pray for something you cannot do." That's what I am going to do. Aja!

Save This Heart

This is my plea right now. He came back. He found me again. And I am afraid that I will get hurt again just like before. I know I have such deep feelings for him and I am really praying for someone to save my heart from falling for him again. Yes, I fell for him. And yes, even after two months of losing touch there he was again and he was being a bit more attentive than before. I hate him. I hate him so much for making me suffer like this. My heart is really crying right now. Because I thought I did not have any feelings for him anymore until that day he texted telling me that he searched for my number. I don't know. All I know is that old wounds are being opened again. I am still in love with him. It really saddens me a lot. I had to change my number again. I don't want to go through the same pain again. No, not anymore. God, please send someone, somebody who will same my heart to keep from falling for him again.

Setbacks and Backfires

I entitled my post today "Setbacks and Backfires." It all started last Wednesday when we went to the clinic to have my mother checked by her doctor. I weighed myself again since there was an available scale in my cousin's office. The last time I weighed myself, that was more than a month ago, I was 136 lbs. I told myself come vacation time, I would lose again the added 10 lbs. and lose the other 6 to achieve my ideal weight. Alas! last Wednesday, when I weighed again, my cousin told me that I weighed 142 lbs. So that means, I added another 6 lbs. in my already overweight body. I don't know. I just finished my lunch that time. Was it just only the added food inside my tummy that time of the day when I scaled myself or did I really added more pounds in my body? Then last Thursday, my friend and her nephew came to our house. The child, feisty as he was jokingly teased me that I was still fat, that I added more weight and that I was a pig. My friend took our pictures and the images were not lying. I really looked fat. I am still fat. I am indeed fat. That was the last straw. What, with all those painful exercises that I have been doing, with all those efforts that I have been making, I still weighed more and looked even "more." I feel pathetic. I thought I would not be affected anymore but here I am hiding my depression and my disappointment with myself. As a result, I did destructive stuff again, things that aggravated my not-so-good condition anymore, physically and spiritually. And it affected my emotions a lot. I wanted to cry. I was doing all I could. But it seems like nothing is happening. I even looked worst. Or am I? The question, am I eating the right food? Am I still doing the right exercises? According to the articles I read before, the body would become accustomed to the exercises that we have been doing for a long time already that there would be no results anymore. I am not going back to that miserable 170 lbs. anymore. 142 lbs. is where I will stop then it will go downhill again. I am not feeling well, really. I feel sad and depressed. Yet, there's no point in giving up. My body is already used to exercising. Only today I did not exercise because I am putting to rest my already tired and strained muscles. I guessed I have not been so kind to my body these days. I am just bothered by the remarks I will be getting when we are asked to come back to school a week and a half from now. I am just bothered by the sorry feelings my colleagues might be heaping upon me, asking me rhetorically what happened to me and why did I become fat again? I guess, I should not be wearing that blouse anymore. But that would be just sheer in denial on my part. What do I do now? I have long since hit the plateau of my losing weight agenda. To add more insult to the injury, I ate a lot of sweets, munched tons of junkies and dug in much unhealthy food. I guess, the reason my exercise does not pay me off anymore is because it is like garbage in, garbage out for me and my body. It all started last November. 6 months ago. I still have many months to go. Besides, it is my friend's wedding in December. I need to be in tip-top shape. I guess, I need to discipline myself more. To control and help myself to curb its unhealthy cravings. I am longing for some bananas. I will just eat bananas for snacks from now on. I will not deprive myself totally of sinful foods but I will eat less of them from now on. And just continue with my exercise. And other body movements. For now, I will wash the dishes then my clothes then cut some weeds in the garden then walk tonight just like what I was doing before. I will continue my fight on healthy living and losing weight. My motto: Never say never!

Paggamit ng Aming Wika

Ako ay may biglang naisip... Aking naisip na nang simulan ko ang paggawa ng Blog na ito, puro na lamang Ingles ang wikang aking ginagamit. Nakakatawa ngunit kapag ako ay nagsusulat sa wikang yaon, hindi ako nahihirapan, pawang ang mga salita ay patuloy na dumadaloy sa aking isip at aking naititipa dito sa aking makabagong makinilya. Ngunit ngayon, ako ay pawang nahihirapan na mag-isip ng mga salitang ititipa at kahit ang aking talasalitaan ay kailangan ko pang isipin ng mabuti. Nakalulungkot sapagkat kahit ang salitang Filipino para sa "grammar" ay akin ng nakalimutan. Hindi ko kasi palagiang ginagamit. Napapanahon na marahil na ako ay magsulat muli gamit ang aking sariling wika. Oo, hindi ko kalilimutan ang Ingles ngunit hindi ito nangangahulugang ito na lamang ang aking laging gagamitin. Nakalulungkot sapagkat heto ako, nagsasabing minamahal ang aking bansa ngunit pagdating sa aking sariling wika, ako ay nangangapa. Aking nababatid na ang wikang Filipino ay hindi madaling aralin. Ito ay masalimuot hindi tulad pag Ingles ang ating inaral. Nangangailangan na sa paggamit at pagsasalita ng Filipino, nababatid ng nagsasalita nito ang konteksto ng sinasabi ng isang tao. Ito ay sa kadahilanang maaaring magkaroon ng hindi pagkakaunawaan ang dalawang taong nag-uusap. Halimbawa, kapag ikaw ay nagtanong ng "nakain ka na ba?" sa iba lalo na sa mga taga Metro Manila, ito ay nangangahulugang ikaw ay kinain o nginuya. Ikaw ay nagmistulang pagkain. Ngunit kung sa Cavite mo iyan gagamitin, ito ay nagtatanong lamang kung ikaw ba ay tapos ng kumain. Masalimuot, diba? Sa aking palagay, kailangan ko ulit magbasa at mag-aral ng wikang Filipino. Ayoko ng makain ng hindi tamang paniniwala at sistemang kapag Ingles ang ginagamit mo, ikaw ay matalino, ikaw ay mataas na uri ng tao. Na kapag Filipino ang ginagamit mo, ikaw ay hindi maalam at nakakahiya. Maganda at mabulaklak ang wikang Filipino. Kailangan ko lamang itong hasain muli sa aking isipan. Wikang Filipino, ako ay patawarin mo sapagkat ikaw ay aking napabayaan sa aking isipan. Na ako ay nahihiya sapagkat ikaw ay aking ikinahiya. Ako ay patawarin mo nang hindi kita minahal at pinahalagahan ng nararapat. Ito ay dala marahil ng kabatirang dahil ikaw naman ay aking laging ginagamit sa pakikipag-usap kahalo ang Ingles kaya naging Taglish, hindi na kailangang ikaw ay akin pang aralin at gamitin sa aking sining na nagagawa. Patawarin mo ako at ng Poong Maykapal sa aking pambabalewala aking sariling pinagmulan at wikang nakagisnan.

Rent-A-Boyfriend Scheme

Last night, I was browsing some things on Youtube when I stumbled upon this short video clip of a show in Japan. It was actually disturbingly pitiful. There, they have this thing called "Rent-A-Boyfriend". From what I watched last night, there was a single woman there probably my age or a bit older who was still single. She worked in a 24/7 hair salon in Japan and I think she spent most of her time there. Then for her socialization, she would often go to clubs, host clubs as they called it wherein she would "rent" a "man" to be her "host" to "entertain" her for the night. For a fee of course and I believe the amount was not a joke. There, they would share stories, they would pour her drinks which of course were also expensive and they would drink the night away. Afterwards, when all the drinks were spent and they were tired and bored already, they would bid themselves adieu and that was it. I just felt sad for the woman for looking at her and hearing her speak though I could not understand her (thanks for the subtitles), I still could sense the deep sadness and hurt she was having in her heart. That she would even go to that extent just to find company, just to get attention that she needed. That she was willing to pay such a huge amount of hard-earned money just for those services that we could actually get and give for free if we were not so self-absorbed and selfish. Yet, I think it was her choice. According to her, she lived far from her own family and in fact they did not have any idea where she lived. Probably, they had not seen one another for a long time already. I am not so sure also if she had any friends, female friends. As with sex, well according to her, she could just call any of her ex-boyfriends if they felt like doing it. That was it. Very casual. Very shallow. Very sad. She did not want commitment. She did not believe in marriage. Maybe, she had her own family history so who am I to judge her? I just feel sad for her. Really I do. Thinking about my own life, I am grateful for I do not have to go that length just to feel loved and accepted. No, I am not saying these things in a condescending manner but I just feel so blessed that I do not have to pay for love and affection. That I have my own immediate, albeit dysfunctional family who I know at the end of the day still has concern for me. That I have friends, albeit few I know are sincere and true. That I have a social circle, albeit minimal still is a sensible one. And most of all, I have God albeit unseen I know is still here, ever present, ever felt. I do not have much money, my work will never make me a rich person but I know that it does makes sense and it helps me become a better person, helping me find my life's purpose. Compared to that Japanese woman's life, though she may have a seemingly independent, free-spirited and charmed life, I still have a more meaningful one. And that makes it sadder all the same. Sadder for her, I mean. I have this compelling feeling to just pray for that woman whoever she is. Though I may not know her and perhaps will never will, still she is still a human being who needs God and people in her life to make her feel complete. She needs God more than anyone else so that she will not have to pay for any man's services just to make her feel loved and happy. I still do not have a boyfriend. Yes, I had my bouts of depression and insecurities but seeing that woman's life, I just feel so guilty from being so. Yet, I am not undermining these feelings for they were true during those moments but looking on a proper perspective, there has to be a reason why I am still a single woman. That I still have to learn a lot of things as a single person for I will never pass this way again once I am hitched already. Of course, I still want to have a family of my own, I really love to have my own kids to nurture and my husband to take care of and partner with but probably it is not yet my time. I still have things to finish like my studies. I think I have a purpose, a profound one that is why I am studying this course. Going back to that woman, I just hope that she would have the chance to get to know God in a deeper way. That she would be able to open her heart to Him. I also pray for those guys who worked as hosts, for them to have a transformation and change the way they're living. I believe they are not bad as they are, only they were not doing the right things. I just hope that people would be more sensitive to the need of others, that we become more compassionate and loving especially to those who are wounded and unloved. And it can start with me. I pray that it could start with me.

Missed Writing

I miss this. This writing thing. Yes, okay fine. This is not literally writing but typing my ideas and thoughts away. But the heck with terminology! It's still the same activity with the same purpose only the means to do so is different. Yes, I was in a not-so-good state for the past two weeks and all because of my own doings. I had my bouts of insecurity and I even went as far as thinking that I was the ugliest girl in the world. Ridiculous, isn't it? I am not going to tell about my lovelife anymore for it still the same though I have a new crush. Yes, from our church and he is really my crush. Nothing so serious. I just hope I could get to know his name and meet him one of these days. The problem with me you know,is that I could easily attach myself emotionally to a crush without really getting to know the person properly to say that I really like him. That was why I kept on falling and falling at the wrong but the same places. I will make sure this time, I will make the better choices and will act more rationally. My last emotional fiasco was really a sham but it taught me a great deal of lessons. Probably, as the days will go by, I will be able to fully come to terms with my feelings and how I perceived that person to be. I only had wrong notions of him, created crazy ideas about him and I ended up wounded and offended. Because of what happened, I was compelled to avoid some people even went as far as letting them go fully from my life. Anyway, I also felt that they did not want me in theirs anyway. So that was it. No, I have accepted that already. That's life and that's people. That's human nature at its finest. Maybe we were just so different as in painfully at that that they could not really understand me and them, I could not as well. But I am not closing any doors. Maybe the time was just not that...right. I am more at peace now. Thank God. I thank Him for everything, for not letting me go and for just picking me up as I ran head first to garbage. I thank Him for cleansing me again and now, I am sober again. Thank You so much, Father. Anyway, I am running of ideas already. Ironically I feel hunger pangs inside my tummy. I already ate my snacks this afternoon. This is just probably thirst hiding under the guise of hunger pangs. I will read again later. Then if ideas will come swirling in my head again, I will go back straight to you.

Unmotivated

I feel less motivated nowadays especially when it comes to my body weight and size. I just feel bored with the exercises I am doing every morning. I feel tired easily. My momentum now is not the same with the one I had a year ago to lose weight.

That year, I was really determined to lose a significant amount of weight because I wanted to win a bet. It did me good. Really. I really lost weight and many people were happy for me and ecstatic about it. But then, as the months went by and many celebrations, delicious food and sweets after, the novelty wore off and it seems like I went back to my old, bad habits again. Exercise became a chore and I actually feel bored about it.

I need some motivation. Really. It has been said that I have to do things for me and my own well-being but it does not really hurt to have some inspiration and motivation just to keep me going. I really need some nudge and budge again to get going.

I don't know. What do I do? I really don't have any idea.

Spending My Time

I am spending my time reading a lot of stuff right now. You see, I have plans to take up 9 units for my Master's degree this coming school year and by doing so, I know it's going to be a bit toxic and so busy for me.

Taking up 6 units was not that easy what more 9? So I guess, I really need to prepare for that already.

Anyway, I already have ideas on what I am going to take come the opening of school. I am actually enjoying reading and learning a lot especially now that I have lots to time to do so. This vacation time is not going to be boring at all for I have lots of things to do. The passing of time will not be that slow after all.

I had a talk with my mother while we were having lunch. I asked her if she was praying for my future spouse. She said yes, for all of us four. She theorized that probably the reason why I still don't have a special someone was because I am still studying. That maybe, the road that I am heading to might lead me to my future husband. That maybe he is from God's ministry and that my Master's degree is going to be helpful for him and me as we both serve God in the ministry.

Which brought me back into thinking once again. Probably I am meant to marry someone who is not ordinary. Someone who is so special to God and to His ministry. Maybe, His servant, I am not really sure. All I know is that I am required and asked to continue and finish my studies.

I just pray to God that there will be no distractions anymore. That if ever there would be once again, I would be able to just ignore them and let me just go on with my life.

By the way, my emotions for that person, the latest have already subsided. Now I can think more objectively and rationally. Maybe we are not really meant for each other, that he is not God's plan for me. That person has different visions for himself as I also have my own. It is not saying that he was thinking the wrong things, it is just that we have differing projections for our future. Our plans for our lives are just...different. If I would continue pining for him, it would only lead to disaster and further heartache for me and for our future children as well.

I will still pray for his safety and for his good life. I also pray that he would find a good and loving wife, one who would be faithful and loyal to him given the nature of his job. I also hope that we would become friends and good at that. By God's grace and by then my romantic emotions for him will be gone.

Good thing, things happened this way. Looking back, I would not have them any other way. Good thing, I was taken out of my delusions and given back to my disillusionment.

Disillusionment is not a bad thing at all. It may sound like it is but it is actually not. It only means being not under illusions anymore. That reality is far more visible and real to your eyes and your heart.

How in a matter of four months I have become a completely different person in how I think and feel is something I am grateful to God about. I am thankful for the learning experience though at the time, it was not easy. It felt like my world crumbled down and my heart badly crushed. Yet, though my old earth crumbled, I was given a new world and albeit a badly broken heart, a new and cleaner one was gifted to me by my Heavenly Father.

This is not to say that things will go on smoothly after this. This is not to think and feel complacently. This is just having this lovely thought that no matter what, whatever tempest that might probably go my way again, I know Who to turn to and somehow I already know what to do. What with the wisdom and guidance I can ask from Him and He generously gives.

So for now, I will just go on with my clothes for I washed them as early as today, Thursday in the Philippines for I do not have any to wear anymore. Because of the heat and the sweat I get from it. I will rinse my clothes now. Bye!

On Being Oneself

I feel better now that I have come to terms with myself. Yes, I still have some bouts of insecurities but thank God and praise Him, I can conquer that enemy called insecurity.

Yesterday, I really felt that some people who I considered my friends really could not see me just the same. That probably the best option for me as regards them is to truly let them go and never mind them anymore. That I am to be myself and if some could not accept me by being me, then they do not deserve to be called my friends at all. It is just good to know that God loves me most of all and then He has people for me to love me warts and all.

I feel sad that a friend of mine, a special friend of mine left our workplace already. It is so sad for I know that place will never be the same again but cliche as it may sound, life has to go on and must go on. The sadness is here but I must bear in mind that when someone goes, someone will come again. It is just a cycle.

Reading what I am writing now, I guess I have grown up already. Grown up a lot in just a short span of time. The tempest that just ended helped me realign my life and my priorities and really see who and what matter to me the most. And I am happy I think this way now.

At the end of the day, it all comes down to two things: God loves me and accepts me no matter what and changes me from glory to glory and that it is really much better to be myself and not be accepted than to be accepted for not being myself. I am more free, I am more at peace with myself, with the people around me and most of all, my Creator who just simply loves me so much.

It is now vacation time. I have lots of time to spare to read, to improve myself and to hone the skills that I have long neglected. I will make the most of my time.

I just feel lighter now, more joyful and yes, at peace.

For I know already, God showed me the things that really matter in life.

His love and grace, our relationship with others and our identity deeply rooted in Him.

Decided

I have decided.

Yes, I have decided to indeed give myself the respect and love it really deserves.

I decided to cut all my communications with him and even with the people who are connected to him and me.

I did this because at the end of the day, I have realized that it is I who really matter and it is I who really could do something about it.

There's no pity party anymore. There will be no room for what if's or for any regret. Cutting our communication was one of the best decisions I have made in my life.

Yes, I still have feelings for him. My spiritual retreat and my encounter with God could not take the feelings away,just yet. In time, I will be totally healed by His grace and there will come a day that I will just laugh about the silliness and the craziness and the changes of sim cards that I did all throughout my ordeal.

It was the best thing for me to do. Though I still miss him and still pine for him if I have to be honest with myself, I really needed to let go. Because my interaction with him was not really healthy for me after all. I experienced lots of "diseases." Bouts of illusions, paranoiditis (extreme at that), episodes of depressions and chronic insecurities. The question is, was he worth all of these? Were his messages, his boring text messages worth all of these? I don't think so. These were unhealthy symptoms and mind you, they were not easy to handle and take.

I am so grateful to God for helping me get out of the mess I was throwing myself into. I am so thankful that He never gave up and that He gave me wisdom to choose what was the best thing for me to do. I will always be grateful to Him, my Heavenly Father.

In time, I will be healed. Probably in the future we could still be good friends and we could be comfortable with each other. For now, I really need to guard my heart and to give back to myself the self-respect I inadvertently yet willingly lost. I need to obey God and have Him have His way in me. Though I will say that it is not easy. If only I could just erase my emotions, if only I could just stop really caring for him.

What made me decide? I just felt that it was wrong that I was actually giving him a part of myself, of my heart with the way I was showing concern for him. With the way that I cared for him, I was already investing to him my emotions. My precious yet fragile emotions. While he, he was only probably thinking that what we were doing were just nothing. They were just "simple" and "harmless" text messages sent to a friend by a friend. Nothing. He could just take for granted and forget in a minute. Yet for me, everything was already precious. See the difference? It was like I was giving diamonds and he was only paying for the price of bronze. Unfair, isn't it?

So I made up my mind. I really did. And though it is not easy I know I will make it through. By God's grace. All by God's grace.

I will still pray for him. He will still be included in my prayers. But no communication. If he wants to be friends with me, make time for me, he should come to my house and invest in me. That's the proper way to do it.

For I am a child of God. I am His precious and treasured princess.

Last Act of "Change"

I changed my sim card again. For nth time, I did. I hope this would really be the last time and that this would last.

I hate myself. I hate myself for waiting for him, for thinking that there was something that was going on with him too. I was stupid that I got so emotional about him. All I want to do is really cry. Curl up in my room and cry.

I just hope and pray that this tempest will soon be over. That I will get over him. I don't want to go through this ordeal again. I am so badly wounded already. Really, I am. All I want to do is just sleep.

I still have tons of things to do. I have been so distracted. I am so tired already. Really I am. All I want to do is just simply take a rest.

Learning From This Fiasco

Yes, I have learned a lot from this fiasco. I know I am not the same person that I was before all because of this experience.

Yes, I opened myself up to that possibility and I almost forgot, risk. I exposed
myself to be hurt and yes, I am right now.

But I have grown and it's for the better. I thought I already knew things about men but I proved myself to be quite naive. Now, I emerged from this experience as a wiser and discerning person and woman. I am now all set to be more careful and really be one at that, this and next time around.

I cannot blame him. He is only the typical man who acts typically just like the rest of his kind. Maybe, he was just a smooth operator or probably I did not get the signs enough. Maybe, I have overestimated his actions, have misunderstood those simple acts of "friendship" as being acts of more than that. In reality, he was not just into me, that's all.

Our conversations did not go any deeper. I don't know him well. I only created illusions of him in my mind. My mistake: I already created "our" future together in my mind. They were all just mere concoctions of my weird imagination. And now that I was forced down into reality, the fall was quite hard and painful.

I have forgiven him already, in fact I am not really angry with him or anyone else. He might have misled me with his words but maybe he did not intend those things to be taken that way. I was the only one who took them the way I did. He was just being friendly, I was just being excited to have a "more-than-that" relationship with him. I was just so romanticized with my false and fabricated notions that I forgot there actually is the "reality" going on.

I don't know. For now, I will just avoid him and the people close to him for me to be healed. To be healed totally. To accept that maybe, I only have to leave and have him in my "friends' zone." He is a good man, I know. He is not so bad. I just did not know him that much and how his mind works that is why I reacted like this.

I believe still in the goodness of his heart. If he were that bad, then he would have taken advantage of me even if he was not interested. I am letting go of him as my potential boyfriend. I hope someday, we can still be friends and be very good friends at that.

I am taking this moment, this time alone to heal. To have my relationship with God and myself fixed. I am happy I already can think this way. Maybe, I can still show kindness and concern to our common friends and even his family but in time. Maybe soon, probably much later. Depends on how quickly I will be healed totally. There is no bitterness in me whatsoever. If he is really in love with that woman, then so be it. I just hope that they will be happy and she will take good care of him and love him for who he is, not for what he has.

This is painful, this letting go thing. But I need this in order for me to go forward. I feel lighter now but the pain is still here. I know, in time this will all go away. And I will just smile at him sincerely and honestly say, "I am happy to have met you."

I know everything happens for a reason. Maybe, my season with him, his arrival in my life was just meant to teach me things about myself, about my ideals, about the things that I really believe in. What I am willing to give of myself to other people. His season with me taught me not to overuse my emotions but use my head as well, simultaneously. That I don't have to always be available for someone, to not give a significant part of my heart when it is not yet time for me to do so. That I have to know my real value so that others will not devalue me for my true worth.

For now, all the cares, concern and affection that I have, I will give to the people who are with me and who also give me just the same. I know, someday someone will come into my life, and by then I can release again my heart freely and wholly.

Someday...(^^,)

Anxiety Attacked Again

I already told our common friend about it. Well, not all but the summary and gist of what I received yesterday. Of course, she said that it was how he called that girl. It has a different meaning for me.

I just felt that probably, they are not really on my side. How could I even think that way in the first place? I have been so assuming so I will better stop all this nonsense.

I am distancing myself from them. I am really going to just move on with my life and have nothing to do with them. It is so sad it has to end this way but I guess, it is just better this way. I will stop and I have already stopped.

Our common friend told me that I go to their house. What for? To make a fool out of myself again? Am I asking for an explanation? No I am not. I am just letting her know and that's all.

You know what I feel and think now? The heck with them! I am just going to mind my own business now, move on with my life and avoid them at all cost. Besides, I do not need anything from them. Never once did I ask for a favor from them, let alone disturb them. So there's nothing for me to feel and be guilty about.

Now I have learned to really be careful with the people that I will let inside my heart and life. To avoid further heartaches and pain. I have indeed learned my lessons. Better to have a few, real and dependable ones than to have many but superficial ones.

I will be polite with them but that will be all. I am tired already. That fateful day in October has already caused me too much heartache and cost me a lot of tears. There is always a time for everything and now is the time for me to totally give up and let go of every stupidities and false beliefs that I have inside my mind.

I am not a person to be messed around with. I respect myself and I have my dignity. He is not enough for me to lose even just a gram of it.

I will just go on. That's all. And avoid all of them at all cost.

Sinful Day

I had a day today. I will never forget this day, March 15, 2012 as long as I live. Well, probably. I am not sure.

I already found out the truth. I don't know what is really hurting in me. My pride or my heart. I am not even sure. All I know is that right now, I am feeling this discomfort and it sucks to the core.

I cussed like a pirate the whole day today. I was not a good testimony. I was angry, I was hurt. I was trampled on. I want to take revenge but I don't know how. Maybe the best revenge for me now is just to maintain my silence. My dead silence.

I found out the truth about today. About that scum/scoundrel/idiot/imbecile/moron/retarded/you name something wrong, he has it. He was texting me, keeping me high when all of a sudden, bang! I found out the ugly truth that actually has been playing in my mind for a long time.

The ghost that I created in my mind suddenly became a reality and it hit me right on my face.

He actually has a girl already. I don't know but maybe that relationship was physical or I don't really know, maybe intellectual (if they have any brains at all!) so that is it. I found out because stupid that he was, (I have always known though I was blinded by that silly "infatuation")he mistakenly sent a message to me that was actually intended for that girl. I did not know how to feel nor to react. All I felt was numbness and I was trembling. My eyes were so wide and dilated I looked like an addict after a weed session. I was looking really funny that time. But still cute and pretty.

I don't know. I could not cry anymore though I wanted to. Probably because I already found out the answer. My questions have been answered and I have seen the man that he really is.

I just created an illusion of him in my mind. My ideal. Truly, you can never really know how a person really operates inside and out unless you are with him or her for quite a time.

I am awaken now. My heart, yes, badly wounded but it is now the start of its mending. No more silliness nor stupidities about him. My crying time is over. I am free from all my delusions and I thank God for this disillusionment.

No, there will never be a pity party. I will just go on and move on with my life like nothing happened. God will be the One who will make him pay, not me. All I need to do is just do my business, be serious with it, live for each day given me and most of all, get real.

My instincts were right all along. I should have listened to it.Maybe it was not really the instincts but the Holy Spirit. I thank God for His wonderful blessings.

I am really sorry for the bad words I said today. I know I was not a good testimony and may God forgive me. I will also forgive him. May he be blessed by God still and may he be restored by Him. For now, I just don't want to have anything to do with him. Probably until tomorrow and the days to come.

No more trying to please everyone. No more trying to be simple, dainty and yes, simple-minded. I am a smart, strong-willed girl who loves and adores books to the bones. I also have a cute face and I am aware of that. I am also blessed with a humongous brain and a functional common sense plus good friends and wonderful family especially a good mother at that. God will soon give me my own husband in His time. And that man will be my partner, I will be his partner to make this world a lovelier and better place to live.

Going back to my common sense, it was indeed working for I was able to control those stupid urges that I would have had regretted doing eventually. My common sense just got the best of me and I am thankful to God for that. My emotions were still strong at the time but my common sense, my sensibility won me over.

Anyway, enough of this for now. I know, I have written again something I can be proud of. Something that I can laugh about. Good thing, this happened as early as now for me to avoid further damages. I think he has also some issues in his life that he has to deal with and thank God, I was spared to deal with them too. I just have enough burden to last me a year or two.

I will study now. That's the better way to respond to this craziness.

Letting Go...As In

Maybe, he is not really meant for me. Probably because the nature of his job and even his personality will never match mine.

As much as I wanted to enter his world, it's like there's this forbidden door that I could never enter. This door that probably God already closed and fool that I was, I was still trying to open.

I don't know. But I am opening myself up to other possibilities. He will just be one of the choices not really the choice.

I just hope he will have a good life and yes, I will still pray that he'll be able to encounter God and have a good relationship with Him. And I will also pray for my partner in life whom I can have a glorifying to God relationship with.

I will still pray and will be more faithful. Maybe, he was just out there somewhere and we are still yet to meet. (^^,)

Waste of Time

I am faced with reality now. I am now given the chance to look at things realistically. I am now given the gift of looking at things in their proper prospective.

Things will not work out between us. Unless he is really indeed trying to get to know me. But no. He is not. No effort whatsoever. I can't understand things. Or properly put it, things don't happen the way I understand them so I am like this.

He does not call. He only texts from time to time telling me about his whereabouts no more, no less. There is no deepening. No seed of anything will grow if things go on like this. I am tired. I was the only one who made the conversation going. And already, I came to the point that I already had nothing left to say nor ask so I had to stop.

Stop this foolishness, stop this stupidity. There is life out there for me. There are people I am yet to meet and relationships I need to nurture more and care for . Our relationship is basically...nothing. Just a mere acquaintance. And I am tired of this.

I want ours to grow deeper. But no, it does not happen. I don't even know how to maintain a sensible conversation with him, let alone start a meaningful one. If I could metaphorically describe it, ours is like a shallow and stagnant fountain. It just goes round and round in the same place. It does not go anywhere. Boring...

I don't know. All I want to do is just to go on and move on with my life. That's all.

My efforts to be close to him were all in vain. It was only a waste of time. My seemingly relationship with him was only a waste of time. I have other and better things to do.

I must admit that I am hurt because I am treated this way. I cannot help but ask myself sometimes, what if I were the typical peaches-and-cream that he likes? What if I were endowed with a beauty queen-like beauty, would he be treating me the same way?

These are just questions but they really hurt my ego and self-esteem. But who is he in the first place? He is just a seaman, someone that if I were the same, old me with very high yardsticks when it comes to choice of men, he would not be in the top ten list in the first place. I am just now at the age and season when I already lowered down my standards already to give myself a chance. But probably lowering down my standards did not benefit me at all.

Those men are just masochists, chauvinist pigs who think they own the world because they have heaps of money. What if the international maritime industry would not accept Filipino seamen anymore, where would they go? I am now thinking.

Oh, I am becoming condescending again. Maybe because I am in real pain and this is how I am coping. I am now guarding my heart. I am sticking to my resolves. There will be no texting him anymore. There will be nothing anymore. I will erase our contacts and this time, I will do it for real.

Good thing he stopped texting already. Maybe that was an answered prayer. If he is not meant for me, then he will stop. Indeed, he did. So there's no point of me still saving his number.

This is just sad things have to end up like this. This time around, my mind will dominate me. Until the day I will open my heart again to that one true love God has intended me to have.

Controlling Myself

Right now, I am having the urge to text him.

But this has to stop. And I have to control myself because I will be the one at the losing end.

Maybe, I just got so excited that looking back, I want to laugh hysterically with my exaggerated reaction. He only texted me and asked about me but I thought of him as my groom someday. I equated his messages as his marriage proposal already. Funny, isn't it?

I guess, I really have to get over this and even outgrow this tendency of mine to interpret on my own guys' actions towards me. For if it were just an ordinary guy who I don't have any feelings for, then his messages will just be ordinary and will not mean anything to me.

Now, in order for me to not feed my emotions and feelings for him, I will stop and really control and seriously hold the reigns tightly especially when I seemingly miss him and want to talk to him. It is as if he can do something for me too.

Anyway, I saw someone so cute today but I will just focus on God for now so that I will really know the way to go in my life.

Mother Knows Best

I am sad now but I guess this helped me put myself back into reality.

My mom and I talked about him. She told me to control my feelings and use my brains more for me to not get hurt in the end.

I was just too happy. I was just too overjoyed because he texted me again. I did not even see that there were also red flags. If he really were interested as I assumed him to be, why only texting me? Why not call me?

He even joked that I be the one to call him. Why did he even suggest that albeit jokingly? Maybe he sensed that I care for him more than he does to me?

Probably, I am only a past time. One he could just text if there is any convenient time. One he could just stop talking to when things get so busy and he does not have any spare to use. Maybe I was just his "anti-boredom."

I guess, that simple talk with my mom was God's way to put me back into reality. I was just so excited and probably so in love that I overlooked or tried to overlook those things. I guess, I will just have to keep my heart open for other possibilities.

I am hurt. But I guess, I need the truth to be slapped at my face. I need reality to bang my heart forcefully again. For me to get the real and proper and factual perspective of things.

Honestly, I feel tired falling in love now. It's as if life is just toying with my feelings. I will just get on with my life and live the way that I should be. For now, all I need to focus on are my projects and my dirty laundry.

Vacillating and Quite Bored...

We already talked. It felt good. I finally had him find me. He did. it was good.

But suddenly I felt...bored.

I don't know. Maybe because the chase is over. Maybe because it's not difficult for me to have him.

I don't know. I will just wait. Wait and wait. For now, I will just focus on things that I need to do. I will rest for a while and then will cook like crazy again.

I feel silly, really I do.

Lord, what is happening to me?

Walking with Tears

I was walking a while ago when I threaded the path where we walked. It was such a bittersweet memory I could not help but shed some tears.

I miss him. I wish I did not destroy my sim card, I wish I had been more objective and logical. I really miss him but I cannot do anything but pray and wait what will happen next.

I am honestly afraid of losing someone I did not have. But what can I do? I only have my mind and pieces of information about him to get me by.

I miss him a lot. God knows I do. It breaks my heart each day knowing he is out there. I hope he is doing fine and yes, feeling well. I pray for his health, for his safety.

I miss him. I miss him a lot, it hurts so much.

Lost Friendship

I just feel sad about what happened between a supposedly "close" friend of mine and me.

We were supposed to be close, yes close, we have been close but then he changed.

You know what I feel? I feel used, I feel over-utilized by that person.

Or maybe I let him so.

It is just so sad that when everything came his way already, when he already has a good life and things are going well for him, he just dropped me just like that.

Who used to call me his bestfriend, who used to be there when I needed someone to talk to, who used to be there just for nothing is gone already.

Nada.Pffft!!!

Well, maybe he was only my friend for the season. Maybe he only had his allotted time. I am not going to do something about our friendship anymore if we had any. Maybe I gave too much and did too much expecting something in return that much.

I just feel sad. And angry. Angry with him for what he did and angry with myself for making a fool out of myself. Good thing, before we became so overly and inseparably close, things about him unraveled gradually revealing the real nature of his heart.

Now, I understand how his ex-girlfriend felt at the time. I am not his girlfriend but somehow, maybe I have this feeling of abandonment by him.

Well, I will just move on. And next time, carefully choose the people who I will become friends with. To give limits on things and think of relationships as business. That I should be careful as invest my resources so that in the end I will not be shortchanging myself.

I am thankful that I still have my real friends with me. That they are still here with me. I know I may be neglectful at times but I will do better. While I still have the chances. I will just invest on those who really deserve my investments.

Well, there were good times also. I will just remember those. But this is the end, that's it. I will just go on and move on. I will still meet friends as I journey in this life. I know. God will give me.

Unselfishness

I decided to not enroll this summer anymore.

I decided to just use my earned money to visit places and to connect with people.

People who have nothing to do with me.

People who I don't know.

And probably who need me and my time and my effort and my love.

I have been planning to go to CRIBS but because of some distractions and yes, lost of focus, I was not able to do it. My life these past few months has been just all about me, myself and I. I forgot that there are still indeed people who need people and maybe I am the one being needed here, not the needy.

Instead of paying for my tuition, I will just push through my plans to go to CRIBS come vacation time and probably visit the Home for the Aged. Just to give time to these people who need people.

Probably the reason why I have been feeling this discontentment, this lack of zest for life is because I have been overly into me that I am losing touch with reality which is not all about me.

God will work in my life. I know. Soon. I have been just a faithless and foolish fool all throughout this journey. I still have my parents, my mother and father to love. Especially my mom who all her life has not been appreciated. My siblings who actually need my care. And those who God put under my care.

I think about Ryan's parents. How they need to be given time. I feel something for them for I think they are a bit sad. All their children are living lives on their own, working far from them. I just feel sad for them. I don't want my mother to feel that way. Especially when she's alone in this house.

God, did You put those people within my circle so that I can reach out to them?

Just Done

I am almost close to what I consider "unholy" hour of the night yet here I am still clacking and typing away on my keyboard.

I just had that bout of minor depression this morning thinking and sulking about how pathetic my life is. Or was. Or whatever depending on my mood, perspective and probably what I have eaten on any given day. Could also be the amount of time on exercise. Not really sure. Or maybe time less spent with God.

I had this conversation with Him this morning in my classroom when the day had just started. I told Him that I was starting to feel angry towards Him already. All because of the banters I had with a spinster co-teacher.

She "prophesied" about my future telling me that I would become just like her, an old maid. I just laughed about it and tried to shrug it off but the thought just never left me pushing my panic buttons into full swing. I rattled, panic and felt depressed about it. I don't want to be like her. Spending my time alone and just dreaming of having my own family. I want to have my own family. A husband who I can share my love and life with and children we will rear in the best possible ways we can. Yet, looking at my situation now, my lovelife's future is seemingly bleak. There is no prospect in sight, not one. I feel so trapped, so enmeshed in this boring mess I just wanted to shout, flee and go another place. Never to come back.

I don't know. I really don't know. I am already 28. My mother had me when she was 28. Ironically, at this age I am still looking and even hoping for someone to notice me. I am starting to become impatient now.

All my friends, well most of them are all doing well with their love lives while here am I, still hoping and waiting. Wait, wait, wait. It seems like the odds are against me. I hate it. Absolutely hate it.

I don't know. All I know is I just want to slack down a little and try to find other "worlds" where I can meet other people. Yet, I need to go to school this summer. But a part of me just wants to have fun. A real, honest-to-goodness fun where I can learn many things and yes, meet other people. I don't know. I am thinking about taking a break from school this summer and really enjoy my summer days.

I will think about it. My life has been so boring, so rigid and yes so structured fun is already an alien word to me. I will just sit back and relax. I will just look and see at what will happen next. Right now, all I feel like doing is to simply follow where the wind will take me.

Sometimes, getting our lives so well-planned could create chaos in our inner being. Sometimes it is better to just let go and yes, have fun.

I am thinking. Really I am. Summer class or really summer time???

Here and Now

I had a good day though I must admit that deep inside I am not really feeling well. I don't feel so beautiful and so pretty nowadays. All because I listened to what others think about me. Worst, all because of what I had been thinking especially when it comes to that person who has really shaken my world and my existence.

Sadly, I had to push some people away in my life in order for me to not feel pain nor being left out. I am just sad that I had to do that. I am just taking care of my already badly wounded heart.

I have been suffering this for all my life. Feeling unloved, unwanted, undesired by someone especially by the opposite sex. I do not know what is really wrong with me. I think I already tried everything. I tried being smart, an intellectual just for that very intelligent man that I was infatuated with years ago to fall in love with me but to no avail. I tried to lose weight which I successfully did but nothing happened still. I tried to be quiet, to be the proverbial "Miss Prim and Proper" but was still in vain. I tried everything already, I guess. Have I tried to be just myself and yes, only be myself warts and all?

Looking at my life, I only move around school, my work, my community, my school and the cycle goes on. On Sundays I go to church and that is the closest thing I get to call my social life. Or my other social life. Not that it sounds pathetic, only it is pathetically limited. I do not get to go to places. I just stay in one place or two most of the time. I get to meet the same people all the days of the week, many hours a day. See, this is my life and no wonder it is really boring and unexciting.

The reason probably why I get so fixated with that man is because he is the seemingly only choice that I have for now.He is the only eligible one and like a child threatened that her precious toy would be taken away from her, she clings to it tightly it hurts her already. I think this is how I see my situation right now. I see him as my "redeemer" from my boring and romance-less almost to none lovelife. Maybe, given other options, I would not even be bothered if he ever exists at all.

I do not know. I feel stuck. Stuck in this place, stuck in my situation. I want something good, something exciting to happen into my life. I want things to be lively again, to be just alive again. I am losing my beauty because I am losing the shine and sparkle of my eyes. My eyes make me beautiful, indeed. The life that gives beauty to them is actually fading away.

I don't know. even my prayer life sucks nowadays. I feel bland. I feel dry and my relationship with God has been quite damaged. I need Him to restore me again to bring back the life in me again.

I am already 28. My goodness! Most of my friends have a family of their own, have babies and create more while here I am not even close to stage one. I don't know. I don't really know. Things just do not go my way. Or probably I just do not go the path, my own way.

I honestly would like to stop hoping. But even deep down the recesses of my heart, my even hoping for it makes me hope not to really hope for it. I don't actually want to hope not to hope for it. For I still have a burning hope, even just a tiny flicker of hope that one day, I will.

I guess all I need to do is to be just myself. To stop being who I am not. To stop trying to be perfect. I have been guilty of this, trying to be "she's all that". I have a good news for myself: Blessy, you are not all that but you can still improve yourself for excellence, not for perfection. Perfection is a wishful thinking; Excellence is attainable. Always remember that.

Where is that outspoken girl you used to be? Where is that musically-gifted person who used to sing all her heart out? Where is that girl who is not scared to try everything? Where is that girl who does not really care whether she looks like a princess or a pauper? Where is that girl who loves books, who loves adventures, and where is that girl who is just happy with who she is warts and all? Where is that girl who loves to use her brain to her heart's content? Where is that girl who laughs out loud and who usually sees fun in everything even if it looks so boring? Where is that girl who loves words and uses them for good? Where is that girl who loves the finer things in life, who loves paintings of the masters, who loves musicales even if they are so impractically expensive?Where is the girl who sees art in everything even in such a menial task such as cooking?Where is that girl who is not afraid to say what she has to say and to speak out what she knows or even if she doesn't she still does and unabashed at that? Where is she now?

These are the things that make up Blessy. These are the pieces of colorful shattered glass that create the mosaic of my soul. These are my elements, these are the things that are really me. I have imperfections of course. I can be disorganized most of the time, I am a crammer, I have bad habits but then they make me all the more human. I am a human and a unique one at that. My humanity is not measured by the size of my nose nor my body, my skin color nor anything tangible but they are part of what people see in me. Sadly, they already stop looking once they see.

I guess, I have gone through this period, this "dark hour" of my soul to see what and who I really I am. I am tired of being "nice" and "perfectly nice" to everyone. I am tired of giving too much of myself and not loving myself in return. I need to be more loving to myself, I need to listen when my heart calls me. I need to give me some attention and healthy at that. I am programmed to think about others, to be of service to them when in the process of doing so, I have neglected the most essential instrument, the vital part of that program which is "Me". I guess I need to love myself more so I can richly and unselfishly love others in return.

God allowed me to go through this tough time. To sort things out in me. To let me see things on the right perspective. I know, I cannot control what life will throw at my way but I can control my response to them. I just need to learn to change the way of my thinking. I need to learn that I only need to be myself for me to be loved. I don't have to change a thing; only improve it. As what the great St. Augustine said, "Do what you can and pray for what you cannot do". All I can do right now is to change and modify my not-so-good and helpful behaviors and my way of thinking. All I can do is to focus on the here and now. Whatever lies in the future, it surely still lies in there for it has not yet even come close in here. Only God knows. All I must do is to refrain from taking things into my hand, let go of my control and obsessive issues and tendencies and live my life, each day. Of course, pray again. Unceasingly and faithfully at that.

I guess, I need to walk again and go around the village. The way I used to dispel thoughts of sadness and longings that are in the first place so unfounded and baseless. It was not as if we spent too much time together and got to know each other deeper than the Pacific Ocean that I need to feel depressed. Cut this awful crap. I have a life. A life so full I thought it was empty.

At the end of these rantings, it would only come down right to one thing: It was all about just me, my silly brainwaves, brain cells, and my thinking.

Failing Faith

My faith is crumbling now. I do not even pray let alone read my Bible nowadays. It seems like I have lost all the faith and the fire inside me. It seems like the Bible has become unbelievable for me.

I have been praying for something for how many years already but nothing happens. People come into my life and then they just leave. Why? I have been told that they came for me to learn lessons. For me to become better. Why? Are those getting married perfect people? Are they already the best human beings when they entered their married lives? Just asking.

It seems like everyone around me is getting something while here I am, being left alone. What is the sense of praying for that when I have not been listened to and I think I am just making a fool out of myself?

I hate it. I am sorry but I feel like I am hating God already. It seems like He has been playing with my emotions, He has been torturing me. I have been praying that if getting married is not His will for me, then take this bull**** feeling away. This bull**** desire in me. Because the mere fact that I am already using this bad word makes it altogether bull**** with a capital "B".

I am already having hate inside my heart. This is not me. I have become such a monster already though outside I may have it all together. I am so hurt. I feel inadequate.

All I want is to have a family of my own. A nice little family that I can take care of. But nothing happens. Nothing happens. I am losing the spark, the life inside me. I really feel bad.

I am tired. Really I am tired. Tired of waiting, tired of hoping. What do I do? I really feel bad. That is why I already deactivated all my Facebook accounts. I can live without them. I don't have to see the things that happen in the lives of the people there making me envious, making me feel frustrated. Others can live without it, so why can't I?

I just want to bring the fire inside me again. I just want to get closer with God again so that I will not hate Him. So that I will stop trying to understand Him and just go on with my life putting everything into His hands. I must say that I have been praying for someone and then things have become vaguer and vaguer as the days went by. May I understand the reason why, eventually.

I am sorry Lord. I am sorry if I said these things. If I freaked out and exploded. If I said bad words towards You. I know You understand, I know. I am sorry I just feel this way. May I learn my lessons from this experience again. May I know the reasons why. May I understand later on what You really have in mind for me. I cannot go on like this. I cannot. For sooner You will do something to bring me back to You.