Pre New Year Musings

In a matter of hours, New Year will come and new things will happen. Actually, if one looks at it closely, nothing will really change except that there will be technically and numerically a New Year. The days and activities are actually just the same.

Anyway, there's really something romantic about the unfolding of a New Year. It is like throwing some things behind, things that you actually don't need when you wake up the next day. Things, people and situation that you just have to leave behind.

Like in my case. I actually have lots of things to say about this year. About 2011. I could still remember how excited I was last year, same time and day. I was looking forward to a really new and better year and now that it has come to an end, well almost, look at what where it has gotten me into.

I could still remember how excited I was for the things to come, for the people to meet this year. Never did I realize that my life this year would just be so complicated. Or made complicated by me.

During the first months of the year, I met a guy who was way out of my league. He was introduced to me by my colleague and at first I was not interested with him but lonely and bored that I was, I eventually fell for him. Yet, because at the back of my mind I knew he was the wrong man, just not the right one for me I did not take him seriously at first and just took him for granted. I must admit that I even went as far as hurting his ego and sensibility. Until eventually when I lost him totally that I realized the mistakes I made. I tried to win him back but nothing happened. Until we just went on our own ways not ending up as friends. The last thing I knew about him was he was already having a child from his current girlfriend.

And what did I learn from that experience? First, respect other people no matter where or what kind of background they are from and their educational attainment. I must admit that I looked down on him, I trampled on his pride and I knew that I hurt him a lot. But I have learned my lessons from him and my encounter with him actually took away all my prejudices as regards my future relationship with men.

I just hope he is okay. I am not sending him any greetings anymore for his girlfriend might probably freak out again the way she did before.

Next, this year I had an almost "falling out" with a close friend. I must say that she has her flaws but who does not have in this fallen world? Maybe I just expected too much from her. Maybe I was just too immature handling things specially when it had something to do with a misunderstanding with a friend. Our misunderstanding brought out the worst and the best in me. With her, I learned to overlook offenses, to just be patient and yes to be kind to your enemies. I learned to just be kind and really kind even if there were times that I already wanted to shout at her and slap her face. Later on, I have learned also the value of relationships and no matter what, it is still the best thing to forgive and to be humble and restore anything that's left with the relationship regardless of whose fault was that. We are okay now and I think we now laugh harder and joke sillier than before.

I also became the team leader of our level. In Grade 1. It was not easy and honestly, I was not all too pleased with everything that came with it. Except for one. The monetary return. Yet, it somehow opened my eyes on things about my profession and the people around me. It has taught me to become more patient, resilient and not to be overly sensitive specially when being reprimanded. I have learned also to become more patient and tolerant specially when there are people who are unaware seemingly that there is such a phrase called "chain of command" and a word called "respect." To think those people call themselves my friends. I have learned to be more forgiving and just leave things as they are as long as they don't put the whole team in jeopardy.

I have also learned the value of being responsible and that it is not indeed easy to handle people. It is easier and actually better to handle lots of boisterous little children than to supervise a few, headstrong and obstinate adults. Man! They are indeed loads of work!

I have also learned and really understood the value of relationship with people. That in the end our relationship with them is what really makes us happy. Of course, in the context of our relationship with God.

Now, this year also I have learned and really the hard way at that, the essence of not expecting anything from anyone. The last month, November was I think the most complicated, stressful and roller-coaster month for me. That month, I met a person who actually turned my world upside down. With him in my life at the time, all the demons, all the immaturity came out and man! I was a wreck, mess personified. My emotions were really on a downhill but sometimes uphill. The vicious cycle just went on and on. I have learned not to fast track all things, not to be overly romantic about things and yes, not to expect as in not even a bit from someone. Unless that someone is really indeed having a serious and committed relationship with me. Yet even in that situation, still too much expectation is not advisable. Just let things come as they are. Be happy with what they can give and not look for something they cannot give. For in the end as a wise person said, "when you expect nothing, you have everything."

I have also learned to be myself under all circumstance. That I will be who I am regardless of what. If people cannot accept me for who I am warts and all, then they are not really meant to be in my life in the first place. I have also learned and still yet to learn not to be so overly paranoid. Right now, I am still training myself not to be so "praning" on certain things. Just like now. I sent a text message to someone and until now, that person has not yet replied. Well, I have actually noticed that she has not been what she was like to me before. I don't know. Yet, I could feel the avoidance coming from her. I cannot understand. Yet, I guess I must leave things that way. Whatever her reasons are, then so be it. I could never control anyone's feelings or attitude towards me but I can control my response to their action. I guess, one good thing that I still need to learn and will start doing so is just accept things as they are and not to be overly concerned about what others think about me. In the end, those people who love me sincerely and honestly plus their opinions will really matter.

Which will lead me back to the vanity and futility of pleasing others. My goodness!!!When I met that person, I wanted to be Miss Prim and Proper, I was afraid to say things that might probably shoo him and the people close to him away. I was not myself. I was a different person. I could not speak my mind. I could not be a human being. It seemed like I was under a microscope in the scrutiny of those people who matter to him. I forgot well almost, the people who really matter to me. And to think that we do not even have any relationship except being neighbors. That's all.

I know I still have many things to learn. I still have many things to uncover as I dig my way through life. I still have many roads to walk and crossroads to choose from. I know, my 2011 was not that good but on hindsight I know that this year was really an educational and indeed a wisdom-laden one.

There were the good times also. This year, I developed good relationships with some of my colleagues and workmates, I even have for myself a guy best friend who happened to be an apple of my eye way back in 2009 when I started in SSI. I have realized that it is indeed possible to develop a platonic close relationship between a guy and a girl just as long as they know their boundaries and they set them in right away. Mine with this friend of mine has been a good one and with him, I am learning to care for a guy sincerely without falling in love with him for it does not really have to be that way always. This year also, I lost a significant amount of weight and was quite successful about it though the pounds shed are actually and slowly coming back if I would not do anything about it.

I also successfully shifted from my former course in my Master's degree to the one I am really interested about which will bring me back into reality come tomorrow and the days ahead. My work also of course.

Every year leaves a certain mark in my personality. Every year, I know has brought a significant change in me and the other aspects of my life. Every year is indeed a learning experience for me.

This year, I am looking forward to a better life. Most of all a better and deeper relationship with God. I know that in 2011, He had taken the back seat in the car I call my life and I had been so wrong with this. He was not in the picture most of the time. This year was just all about me, myself and I. And look what this year has gotten me into.

This year, I will by His grace will start the year right. I will be committed to my prayer and fasting, I will be more devoted to my early morning communes with Him and yes, less secular music and love songs. I have noticed how restless would I become when I would just listen and saturate my mind with thoughts about romantic love and having a romantic relationship. I think I really have to refrain from that now. As in now.

I still have many things to say but then my eyes are already hurting. I need to move a bit and rest. Later, if something pops into my mind, I will get back to you.

Bye for now...(^^,)

A Letter Of Good Riddance

Dear you, yes you who don't really care about me,

Yes, I have been such a fool thinking that you were interested in me too. That somehow, I mean something to you. Now, I really feel like a fool, my heart's been bruised by you so badly though you did not mean it. I was the only fool here between the two of us.

Yes, I fell in love with you, there's no denying to that. I fell madly, head-over-heels in love with you and that was one of the worst things that ever happened to my life.

I wish I had not met you anymore. I wish you had never become a part of my life anymore. If only I could turn back the hands of time, I would not have gone outside, talk to our common friend and also gone along with her matchmaking skills. I wish that my life were just like before, the time when I had no idea of your existence.

No, I will not be the one at the losing end here. I will choose to be okay and will go on improving everything about me. Anyway, everything has a reason and meeting you gave me a good reason to improve myself and become the real and better me, with or without you.

Now that the year is almost coming to an end, I am not including you anymore in it. Even if I have to alienate the people that I met because of you, even if I have to avoid them at all cost.

You will not belong in my year 2012 anymore. Upon your return, well, I just hope that you will have a good life and I will just quietly and happily live mine. No, I am not making you a part of my life anymore. You belong to my yesterday so I am leaving you there now. I will face my present with a big smile on my face and yes, I am not letting you affect me that much anymore.

I am still hurting. Yes, I am still in pain. But I choose not to dwell on this anymore. I am moving on. I hope that you will not contact nor text me anymore. I will not care for you anymore. I will still pray for you for that was my promise but that will be it. No more, no less.

I just pray that when you return here, all my feelings for you will be gone by then. So if ever our paths will cross again then I can face you with a sincere smile and a nonchalant nod.

I know, I will be okay. God is with me. Maybe this is His way of telling me to let you go fully. Take you away from my mind, from my thoughts.

I will heal. I will be okay. I will be fine. And I am letting you go. For real. You don't belong with me, you were never meant to stay in my life permanently. Anyway, thanks a lot for those short-lived memories that you gave me. Though maybe I was the only who really felt happy and enjoyed those moments at the time.

Goodbye.

Blessy

The Serenity Prayer

“Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” -Reinhold Niebuhr-

This prayer keeps on reverberating in my mind as I think about the things that have been going on in me. This is ridiculous for I am the only one who suffers this way when in fact the other character in this story does not even care about me.

You see I am still moping somehow for the "failed" romance that I had with our neighbor. He left already for he is a seaman and here I am nursing a wounded heart. For I think I really like him. I really do.

But he does not share my sentiments nor my feelings. And there I was willing to wait for him, even writing him journals just to ease my pain away. Pain coming from missing him a lot and wanting him that bad. But then reality set in and I must accept that he is not that interested no matter how I tried to justify his actions and interpret them.

That is it. He is simply not interested. Action speaks louder than words. And I must accept that. Accept that I could never change the way he feels about me. Or the absence of it for me. But then I can change my response to him. I can just get on with my life, learn from my experience and yes, trust God that eventually what happened no matter how uncomfortable it is for me right now, will be a blessing in the end for everyone.

I have learned lots of lessons from this experience. That I could never hurry love. I still remember that verse from Songs of Solomon 8:4 "Do not awaken love until the time is right" -NLT Version-. I must admit that I wanted everything to be fast tracked at the time. Maybe that was why instead of drawing him to me, I in fact shooed him away because of my stupid and ungodly woman-like actions. I have learned to really take things slowly but surely. And to really act wisely and becomingly.

I have learned also not to expect too much. Just let everything flow freely and do not expect anything from anyone. Let things happen the way they are meant to happen. The best thing to do is to simply act accordingly to each situation and ask God for wisdom. But do not expect. Expect from God, not from men.

Another, do not assume anything unless stated and clearly as in very clearly at that. My folly was I misunderstood his actions and some of the words he said. But in hindsight, they were quite vague. Now that I have a clearer mind, I must admit that they were really vague. I just jumped into conclusions quickly, head first.

Another lesson is to be myself. Be myself in every situation I am and will be into. That I do not have to pretend to be someone that I am not just to please anybody. I can freely say what's on my mind but of course at a certain extent. I will show who I am, just the way I am. I will just be myself. Myself. The way I am.

Last but not the least, is to always trust God. Trust Him in everything. This may sound cliche but it is actually better said than done. All throughout, I acted on my own, I took things into my hands, acted immaturely and look what it has gotten me into. To trust Him is to fully let go. Let go of him, thoughts of him, everything about him. Maybe then, God will freely move in my life. He will have the free reign so He can really and fully move in me.

Now is the time for me to cultivate my soul, my character, everything about me. I thank God that meeting him somehow let me see the darkest parts of my being, the worst weeds in the garden of my character. And now that I can see clearly, I can do something about them, about me.

In this ordeal, I cannot change him nor can do something about him. But I can do something about myself and my response to any situation that will come my way. I am not saying that I will be perfectly well, but I know that I will get by. By God's grace. Soon, this pain, this discomfort will just be a thing of the past. And I could just look at this experience with a wicked laugh on my face. (^^,)

I know things will work out for the best. For me, for everybody around me.

Sara Bareilles - Gravity

The song that bespeaks my heart at the moment...

Waiting For Him

I have decided last night that I would just wait for him.

This is really crazy. But then I am taking the risk. The risk to be hurt again. This time it is out of my own volition. My will to wait for him, my will to keep myself from falling in love until he comes back.

I don't know. I am at peace with this decision. I am at peace that I am waiting for him. I think I should have admitted this to myself once he was gone. I will just keep him in my heart and pray for him.

I fell in love before it was too much. I also waited for him, shunning some of the possibilities in my life just so I could open myself to him. But things did not work out that way. It took me eight years to have finally moved on and get on with my life. Until that person came.

It was so quick. I fell deeply. People around us could not understand. They could not understand that for a short while I was able to see his beauty, the wonder of his personality, I was able to see right through him. Could they blame me? I just don't fall in love without any reason at all. I fell for him because of who he is. Or he was.

He was so different from William. Very far. Completely different worlds. With William, it was all being intellectual, being almost perfect to the point of being pretentious at times.

With Ryan, it was more calm, more natural, simpler. I just wanted to live my life that way.

I will wait for him. I will improve myself until he comes back. No, not only for him that I will make myself lovelier but for myself too. For what if this waiting did not end up happily? I am just being romantically practical.

I will just wait for him. I will.

Hurting

I a m still hurting now.

I saw his picture. It just brought me such a painful sensation.

I feel bad because I feel rejected by him. I feel like I was not good enough that was why he could not like me. I feel so bad about it. I want to cry but I could not.

I want to stay away from those people who are close to him. But they have become my friends too. I don't know. I honestly don't want Mommy Ann to come with me at CRIBS on my birthday because she just reminds me of him. I just feel so sad. Really, really sad.

I don't know. I really don't know. My heart just cannot fall in love again. I don't know. I should be feeling happy because the guys that I liked before have been showing me attention now. And even some who just ignored me before.

But I like him. Because he was kind though he was not really a gentleman to me before. He just made me feel rejected. I feel so bad.

I know my self-worth and self-esteem should not be based on how he treated me. Or how I perceive his thoughts on me. Yet, I cannot deny the fact that my heart is really broken now.

I want to leave. I want to run just for me to ease this pain away. But I can't I have no other place to run to. Except God.

Lord, what do I do? I still think about him. What do I do? I know this is wrong but what do I do?

I like him because he was stable. He was a good family man and he was so natural. Yet, I think I still don't have all the facts I need. I was feeling bad a while ago because maybe he was also the typical Filipino guy who likes girls with peaches and cream complexion. I don't have that and I don't intend to change myself just for him to like me.

No, I am to cultivate my soul and my mind. I am to modify my character from glory to glory. I am already good now but I can be better.

I am a child of God. I have qualities that endear me to people. Too bad he did not give himself the chance to get to know me better. For I know the things that I can do and have to offer.

Anyway, I feel better now. I was just only so emotional and irrational, thinking I was not good enough. I should say from now on, he was not smart and wise enough to see the real me, the precious jewel, the black pearl that is in me. He let a lovely lady, a beautiful woman in and out pass him by. Not my loss but his.(^^,)

Disillusioned

I am disillusioned.

I am tired of hoping. Enough. I will not wait anymore. I will just move on and go on with my life. I will open up my world. I will let others in again.

I am disillusioned. I will stop. I will be the girl that I was before I met him. My! It was only a short time and what an impact he was to me.

No, this is not fair. I am not being kind to myself. I love myself more. I will take good care of myself, I will respect myself and will be so kind to me. No, not to the point of narcissism but just enough to maintain the dignity that I have. And to live the way God wants me to.

Enough. I am to be respected, loved and valued. If one cannot give that to me, if one makes me feel so bad about myself, I have no choice but to eliminate that person in my life.

Enough. I am so tired already. Really tired. Dead tired. All I want is to live peacefully again, without anyone to think about or to be concerned about.

I will just move on and get on with my life.

On The Way To Become Better

I am missing him.

I was so busy for the whole day that there were times I did not think about him. But somehow, thoughts of him still found their way into my consciousness.

I miss. A lot. But I have to control the urge to text him and to talk with him. I will just leave everything to God. I will just pray. But I was thinking about him. If only I could get him off my mind.

Sometimes, I wish that the "one" God will give me would finally come my way. Now. As in now. I am not really feeling well. He is still in my mind.

Yet, this is understandable for this is just relatively new. He just left last Saturday so my dilemma is forgivable. But after six months if I am still like this, then this is really something serious.

I will still pray to God. May He guide me and continuously be with me as I go through this ordeal. I know, in time I will be okay. I will be fine.

I will just pray for him and pray for myself too.

Someday...

I am not going to hope for him anymore. No, this is not being pessimistic but I will just leave everything in God's hands.

For now, my business is to improve myself and become the best person to that one who God will give me.

This is my time of preparation. My time to be the best and just worthy person of his love, care and faithfulness. My time to weed out all the bad grass in me and let the good ones blossom.

I am letting go of him not because I lost hope already but because I have decided to leave everything in God's hands.

I am letting go of the worries, of the uneasiness I have been feeling. I will just let God work and move in my life and his as well.

But I will keep on praying for him. I will appeal to God for his safety, for his wellness and for his happiness. I will also pray that he will get to know God in a very special and intimate way, someday.

Deep inside my heart, I want to wait. But I guess this is not a wise thing for me to do. I don't know what God has in store for me. All I need to do is just continually and unceasingly wait for Him and for His revelations.

Everything happens for a reason. There is a reason behind our meeting. Maybe to let me see how immature and futile my thinking was specially when it comes to man-woman relationship. I am not a small girl now. Anytime soon, God might call me into my own family ministry. I will have to learn to submit and serve my husband and let him lead our family. I will have to make some sacrifice just to make sure that my husband and my children are well-taken care of. Even if it means I will give up my career. I am not looking forward to that but there's always that possibility.

I will also have to adjust to a new family. I will learn how to be more accepting and non-judgmental of others. Most of all, I will have to learn how to love even if the people specially the people closest to him are unlovable. Not just because it is the right thing to do but actually loving the people whom he loves. If I profess that I love him then I have to show that I also love the people that he loves without losing my identity and my self-esteem.

I don't know. Life is really like this. We don't know what it is going to throw at us next. Yet, I am rest assured that there is a God who knows everything and who knows exactly what He is doing. I don't know what's the next chapter and who will be the next characters but by His grace, whatever happens it will always work for my own good.

I am letting him go now. Though for just a short time, he has become precious to me. I will move on with my life and will just be the best. I will be like the Proverbs 31 woman, Ruth, Esther and Mary. For God and for my future husband.

After The Tempest

The tempest is almost over...Well, almost.

He left yesterday. He texted me informing he was already on board. I did not reply anymore. It was like surrendering everything to God already.

God. I think I have neglected my relationship with Him all because I was so lost and was so into that person. I was so ecstatic, I was in a haze that I lost my balance completely. This week I had been so harassed by none other than myself. I thought about a lot of things, I was so paranoid, I did not think objectively. It was like the rational and sensible Blessy in me just suddenly disappeared.

Maybe, I thought everything was magical. Everything was good. He was just too good. Well, almost.

I don't know. Yet, I am still thankful that I met him. For meeting him showed me many things about myself. All my immaturity, my insecurities showed. Now, I know what to change in me. By God's grace.

I will just be good. I will be the best person that I can be. Losing him will not stop me from doing what I have started. I will just go on. And wait on what God will do next.

I will be still and know He is God. I will not worry anymore. I will just improve myself, I will focus on my studies, my job and the people I have with me right now. If God has someone in store for me, or if He preparing that person to be worthy of me, His princess then so be it. I will just be good. No, the best.

Stop

Stop.

Stop. It is all in there. It is obvious. HE IS NOT INTERESTED WITH YOU ANYMORE.

It is the glaring truth, can't you just stop and simply stop hoping?

Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

Clearing of the Heart

"The truth is our circumstances do not make us what we are. They merely reveal what we are. " -Nancy Leigh de Moss-

I am thinking right now. Maybe, this happened for a reason.God allowed me to be in this place because He is teaching me something. He showed me the kind of heart that I had. I may be speaking about Him, seemingly living my life for Him but in reality, no. I think I had been so vain, so callous with my actions and yes, acted like a temptress with some of the men in my life. The Lord showed me this problem that I have.

Lord, help me change myself. Help me to become the woman of noble character, the woman in Proverbs 31 and not be so caught up with this world's system. Lord, I know that I acted quite loosely with him that I did not give him time to pursue me. I was an impatient, desperate girl seeking for a man to validate my vanity. Lord, thank You for showing me this negative side of me. Now, Father transform me. Help me become the opposite Lord.

Lord, may I serve all the men that I have in my life regardless of my relationship with them in a brotherly and godly way. That I may be able to serve them accordingly and next time I would meet someone, may I treat that guy like my friend or brother only, not a groom prospect.

Lord, I may have lost him but then his presence helped me see things on a clearer plane. Something must have been really wrong with the way I presented myself. Next time around, I will do better and I will know what to do.

Lord, may my season of singleness become a blessing not only to my family but to others as well. May I not be so badly affected by the pressures and everything that has something to do with my age and my biological clock. Lord, You are the Author of time and if You would give me children, even if I am 45 already, I will have.

Lord, this is a purifying stage for me. Thank You Lord. Amen.

Feeling the Jitters

I am going to meet him tonight.

I am nervous. Indeed, I am. But I can't help it. I will see him for the last time. I will see his face.

I am going to give him some of my books. Thank God, I was given those ideas. I am nervous. My goodness! No one is here to calm and soothe me. I cannot even concentrate on the work that I am supposed to be doing.

Lord, please calm my nerves. Lord, please. Please soothe my spirit. I am really nervous now. It is not as if we are going to do something bad, it is just that I think I find this dangerous and exciting. Risky and romantic. I feel like I am Juliet. Hehehehehe...

I wish he would arrive now. I am so nervous. M
Yet, I am not going to hope for anything. After tonight, then I will move on with my life. I will do what I am asked and supposed to do. But this is just so exciting. This is the first time I have ever felt this kind of jitters, this nervousness, this swinging and banging and exploding of my nerves. I want to shout. I want to laugh.

He is not yet here. I wish he were here now. I wish he were here. Anyway, even if they are already here, I will still go outside. I will still talk to him. I will still see him regardless of what they would say or think.

I will just amuse myself by listening to music and writing here. I will just enjoy the "torture" that I am presently feeling right now. I think my head and my breast will explode. My goodness!!!! (^^,)

Uncomfortable....

I am having this uncomfortable feeling.

Feeling of being rejected, tired and just plain...jaded.

I don't know. Yesterday he was okay but then I lost him again. It's as if I don't have any space in his life. Well, what can I expect we have just met and the little time that he has staying here has been used to anything but me.

While in my case, I have lost my equilibrium already. Yet, in reality the fault will just fall on me. I have been the assuming, thinking that things were going well between us.

I have realized that I cannot tolerate a person who has no time for me. Who does not even think about me at times.

I have low tolerance for this.

I am tired.

I wish he would just fly away and not say goodbye to me anymore.

I just want to be left alone, on my own and yes be found by the one who will give me value and time.

Since the day that we met, I have always wanted to see him and spend some time with him to get to know him but nothing happened. Nothing. I guess, all I need to do is to simply let go.

Just let go.

I am tired. I don't like the way I feel right now. Really, I don't.

Sleeping Jitters

I don't know why. I am having a hard time sleeping tonight. I don't know.

Is it because of the tea that I am drinking right now? Probably. I will stop drinking it tomorrow. I will not depend on it anymore when it comes to my diet.

Or is it possible that I am bothered by something or someone that I have just met?

I must admit that probably yes because since I met him I have been like this already. Disoriented, not focused and disturbed. Which is not good. Maybe I set my hopes too high, maybe I have expected too much for so little time. And I have acted maybe too much of myself also. I don't know. But that is me. My personality. I am not going to change just because of this certain guy or certain people's opinions. I don't even know them.

I even changed my number again,my goodness! Then, foolishly invited him in Facebook. Talk about being a certified "praning"! I don't know. Is this how I will act when that man that God will give me will eventually find me or will I become a different person?

I don't know. I am still feeling like I am already in the dead end. With no prospect guy in sight, ticking biological clock and the countless and unceasing pressure I have been getting from well-meaning friends and loved ones. I don't know. The guy, I am still interested to know but seeing his Facebook account and his seemingly lifestyle, I think there will be a big disparity again between our worlds and belief systems.

But who am I to say these things? I still don't know him that much. I don't know him at all. And I guess he probably lost his interest with me already. What with a guy like that, I think he does not need a girl like me. We are just I think...different.

I also want to love and be loved. But with and by the right person. Someone who will try to get into the depths of my soul and being. Someone who will see me as more than just a physical body. Someone who will see my heart, not just my externals.

But I have yet to meet him. God, by His unfathomable love and divine orchestrations, our paths will eventually meet. Our roads will cross in His own perfect timing. Maybe, right now, I am just being shown my mistakes. My shortcomings as a person. And God by His wonderful love wants to develop my heart to fit with that whoever that person may be. Maybe the reason I have been pushing men away in my life is because I could already sense that they are not the one. For even if I would push them to, they would still pull closer until I would eventually hold their hands. So far, in my twenty-seven years of existence, no man has ever done that to me yet. None so far.

No, this time I will not run away anymore. I will not be afraid to let anyone enter my life anymore the way that I used to. I will accept anyone and even if that guy does not end up as my romantic interest, then he could end up just my friend. Now I know the reason why it did not work out between Nick and I before. God spared me from such a devastating heartache and crushed self-esteem that his ex-girlfriend is experiencing right now. I am not saying that I am happy for what happened, I am just thankful that I am seeing the reasons now behind what happened two years ago.

Same as with the others. God indeed knows the way. I am thankful. So I guess, I will just be happily and faithfully contented with whatever state I am now. He has His plans and He has his ways. He has His own orchestrations in my life. I will just watch. Wait and see what is going to happen next. I was just fooled into thinking that I needed a man right now. Yes, I have the desire to be someone's wife and mother of his kid but there is indeed a time for that. All I need to do is just trust Him. And continuously trust Him.

There is nothing wrong with me. There is something wrong with this world's belief system. I am beautiful. I have a kind heart and loving spirit, a strong and determined soul. I am under God's endless care. I may not see right now, but behind everything that is happening is a great and big picture of my life.

A Lovely Heart

Let me tell you about this certain person. He has been bugging my head these days and actually "disturbing" my mind.

I must admit that I got a huge crush on him. As in define huge and that is how I feel for him. But he is just so unlike the "others" who went before. He is just so simply...different.

Different in a sense that he is not really my type. I think I am five to six years older than him or even more. If I met him early in my life, he would not even get my attention nor even become a prospect crush. He is not tall, not chinky-eyed, not really my type. For me he is only just a decent-looking guy who hangs around with decent-looking people.

But he caught me. How? For he caught my brother too. Not in the real sense of catching nor figuratively homosexual but caught as in he befriended my youngest brother amidst the huge crowd and to think my brother was relatively and practically new in that place. I have never met someone in my life personally who has that kind of sensitive and approachable nature except him. I was not smitten on the spot but as his and my brother's relationship progressed, (by the way, you might be confused now as to what kind of relationship do they have,let me clarify; he is my brother's leader in church) I have started to see his lovely and beautiful qualities no man within my sphere of acquaintances has ever shown. His is a kind nature, a friendly and considerate one without the benefits of popularity. He is of a quiet aura, not intimidating but actually soothing. He always has a smile ready to generously give to anyone who comes his way.

Who wouldn't love that kind of guy? That kind of person? In this world of pretense filled with egomaniacs and chauvinist pigs, his presence is an exceptional relief. His life is one good example of humility, of a true and loving spirit inspired by God, Himself.

My mother loves him. She does. I see how she perks up each time his name is being mentioned. And I got a big crush on him too. But we are age apart. And I think he does not mind that I exist. Yet he does not know that he is also one source of inspiration for me to become a better woman and a better person.

It is not everyday that you meet someone whom you could both respect and admire so much without being a superstar. But he is a star in his own right because of his lovely heart. And between Ben Affleck, Bae Yung Jun and him, I will still choose him even if the former two are so madly and crazy in love with me. Hehehehe...(^^,)

Educating Myself and Being Unsupported

I am having this bugging thought inside my head. I am just quite discouraged for while not stopping me nor preventing me from taking up my Master's degree, I am just sad that my father does not really value education that much. He is actually more into making more money and just simply getting loads of it.

My mother, thankfully she supports me in her own special ways but unfortunately, I cannot fully engage her in intellectual conversations that have something to do with anything I have learned from school or from a book. Not that she does not like it but maybe because she has other and more important concerns to think about than my cerebral rantings.

I have always loved reading and I thank my mom for introducing me to the world of words. She made me read books beyond my years during my early age. She taught me how to read and write and bought me lots of storybooks for me to devour each time I would have my free time. I remember spending lots of time in our school library just reading and reading and I would even go home late much to her chagrin just because I lost myself to a a world I could only find in books.

I was not really a diligent student. I would oftentimes skip class and would even be absent just to simply fool around and give sleeping more time. I was the typical lazy student, practically a "thorn" in my teachers' flesh. But I love reading. I really do. To compensate for the absences I incurred, I would just read at home or anywhere any printed material my eyes and hand laid on.

Now that I am older, I have realized already the value of studying. The beauty of and in it. I wish I were a better student in the past but of course I could never go back in time. Yet, I am happy that I am blessed and given the chance to pursue further studies for my intellectual and career advancement.

Which of course will go back to the support that my family gives me. They do not stop me but they do not specially my father value studying the way that I do now. He thinks that I should just stop going to the university and just apply for a working visa going abroad to of course work and earn huge amount of money. But it is not my priority. It is not even in my thoughts nowadays anymore. I still want to go abroad but not for the reason of earning money but to earn more knowledge.

I cannot insist on my dad my values anymore. He has his own set of beliefs and I have developed a set of mine over time. Maybe before, we had similar mindsets but time has transformed my heart and mind. It is taking a different path already. One that God has ordained me.

I feel better now. Now that I have already let out my feelings. I am just sad that my father thinks this way but it is okay. We are different. He is also from a different time and was raised differently just like me. And our differences paradoxically make us just the same.

Anyway, I will just eat my dinner, move around then read again later. Hehehehe...(^^,)

Certified Book Addict

I could not help it. I consciously chose books over buying a dress, over buying that blouse and those cute sneakers. I even forwent checking on some cosmetics to buy. When I went to the bookstore, I felt I was in a trance. I, without any second thoughts bought again books that I believe could help me as a person.

I am obsessed nowadays with books that have something to do with leadership. It all started when guess what? When I started to read Zig Ziglar's book "Better Than Good". He said somewhere along its pages that one should invest with what he or she was really passionate about. I have this feeling that I am passionate about kids, about leadership, about being a good person. One can see from my collections the things I am passionate about. I am also into writing so much, I am in love with words so it is just understandable that I have tons of books at home. And in our other house. Almost to a fault.

Now I feel guilty. Instead of just saving those money, I just buy those stuff. But the question is are they unnecessary? I am not sure for I believe sooner or later they will be of good use to me.

Funny but I would think and reconsider a lot when buying clothes, bags and shoes. I would look for the nearest cheapest price. But with books, regardless of the price, as long as I can afford it then I buy it. As long as it does not offend the other areas and needs of my life.

I am so in love with books. I am so into learning and accumulating knowledge. I think I am really becoming a geek as the days go by. But I love books. Simply as that. Sometimes, I find myself loving books more than boys. Most of the time, I find books more interesting and exciting than the opposite sex. Hehehehe...

Am I headed to spinsterhood because of my thinking? I hope not. Maybe my love for books is just a cover-up, like my own coping mechanism for until now I have not someone to love, as in from the opposite sex. Maybe, deep inside I think of books as boys. Or possibly vice-versa.

Anyway, I am just writing this stuff now for I don't want to lose these ideas swirling in my head right after I read a Reader's Digest. I will just rest myself from reading for a while but will be back later. Still, all I want to say is that I am so in love with books. Gosh! Talk about geeky moments.

If I would still have something to share again, most probably I will get back to you later.

On Buying Books, Passion and Inspiration

I am indeed a book lover. I have tried to just forget abut buying books but to no avail. I have always loved books. In fact, I have more books than clothes, my nook is just so full of them.

I am thankful for God's provisions for me. Yet, somehow I still feel this guilt inside me for I bought again books instead of just saving my money for the bad days. But now, I have realized that the reason probably why I bought books again yesterday was the one that I read from a book by Zig Ziglar.

It was all about investing for what I am passionate about.Investing for my inspiration. Now what is my passion? Passions rather. I think I am really passionate about young children. My desire to help them. I have this vision that someday I will become a parenting counselor and speaker. My life will be used to minister to lots of young people aged 0-21 years old. I will also minister to parents using the ability and skills God has endowed me with.

Now what is the best time to invest on this vision? Now. Now that I still have time and resources. Now that I am still young and have more time to study and to sharpen my skills.

No, this is not justification of my actions. I still spent my money but somehow I should not overkill myself with guilt. I did not buy useless materials. I bought books to improve my communication both spoken and written skills and to learn more about the ministry that I am going to have which is to help children.

Yes, I still have books not yet read, I still have lots on my waiting list but I can use them in due time. For now, if I still have the resources I will just buy whatever I deem is helpful for me. Yet, all by God's grace and wisdom.

Now I am more propelled to study and to just read and write. I am passionate about words, I study Spanish online. I can see now what I am really passionate about. Words, children and there's still music. But that is going to be another story. I will just focus on words and children first, while singing. Yes, while singing.

Disappointed With Myself

The title says it all. I am disappointed with myself. I am not feeling good about myself now. I am not even in the mood to write about what I did yesterday. I was just let's say really quite disappointing yesterday what with all my actions and my decisions.

I said to myself never to pass that way again but you know what? I passed there maybe a million times (okay, I am exaggerating already.) Then I even went inside for how many times. I made a complete idiot out of me craving for someone unworthy's attention.

How could I not use my lovely brain those times? How could I not be sensible specially when I like someone? I don't know. I just gave in to my irrational emotions and now look at what is happening to me. I feel this self-condemnation I want to slap myself and bang my head on the wall.

Well, those were my stupid, ungraceful moments. Past is past, I already inflicted the damage on myself so all I need to do is just dust myself off and move on. Move on and forget about those crazy, silly, shameful moments. Enough is enough. I will really move on.

I will just pray. Hah! I am ashamed to come to God but I don't have any choice but to do so because He is here and He knows. And I don't really know what is He going to say. Really. I am really embarrassed but still we need to talk.

Not About The Feelings

I still feel sleepy now. I don't know why. Usually everyday at this time, all my wires inside me are starting to perk up already and I am ready to move. This time, it is like most of them are still in slumber and all I want to do is to lie down, curl up, pull my blankie up and doze off again to Sleepyland.

Anyway, I am blessed again by my devotions this morning even though I am unusually sleepy. Maybe, this is the enemy's way for me to not appreciate what I have read this morning. I feel so neutral, it' s like my heart is still sleeping. This is just my feeling and God is greater than my feelings.

Anyway, I am reminded today that it is indeed important for me to find my accountability partners whom I can share my struggles with. I am still praying for them to come into my life, that God will show them to me. I will just pray and talk more to God specially this morning as I will be on my way to work.

Mornings are really lovely. They remind us how faithful and loving God is. How generous He is for returning to us our lives. I want to spend the day talking with Him and just praying. As I go about my day today.

I must remember that this relationship with God is more than just a feeling. It is actually a relationship, work, commitment.

" Even if we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings, and He knows everything."
-1 John 3:20,NLT-

Reflective Mode

I am in my reflective mode right now. Until now, I am still thinking about what happened to Given Grace and why it happened in the first place. Deep inside me, I am still struggling, questioning and confused about the turn of events about her. I am thinking about the could-have-beens if she had not walked that path, if she had only waited for the daybreak, if she had done this or that. I am really sorry for her and feel bad for her. She must have been such a lovely young lady, in and out. A sister anyone would love. Anyway, she's in a brighter and lovelier world now so I must stop bothering myself about the evil that happened to her and just focus on my relationship with God. It is always He who knows better than I.

I had a talk with a co-teacher while I was on my way home. I asked her if she was still attending New Life, a christian church. She told me no, not anymore. She is already a Jehovah's Witness and she seemed to be so happy about it. I just felt sad for there she was, already on the right path but because of the christian world's negligence, there she went to another path leading her astray. The religion undermines what Jesus did for us to save us from our sins and He is only considered just the Son of God, a different persona who is just the Son of God. They do not believe the Trinity and I think the Holy Spirit is just an entity for them. Far from what I have learned from my religion. I am not against the believers of this faith only I know the truth about Jesus and the enemy's scheme to underestimate Him and to set our eyes on other things except Him. I am just sad for as a christian, I have the responsibility to witness for Christ and things like this happen with me around. May God give me the strength and the grace to witness for my colleagues and to live a life that is really obedient and servant for Christ.

I am also thinking about a former friend. Maybe, I should really just get used to our situation and besides she is not a big lost in my life. I must admit that she slights my ego but then this is pride so I will just bring to God how I feel towards her so that I can just let go of her completely. Some people indeed are not meant to stay in your life. And you have no choice but to just let them go. Anyway, may God bless her and may she also know Jesus in her life. May God also change how I feel for her and may I just focus on those who could really love me and accept me for who I am warts and all.

I am also thinking about the time I am giving my pupil in the afternoon. This may seem like a small thing but maybe for that child, it makes him feel he is loved and not abandoned. That adults are still trustworthy. I just want to make this world a better and safe place for little children. I am a person who lost her childhood at a very early age for I was already given responsibilities to take care of my younger siblings and to take care of my family also in my own way. Looking at my profile picture now, the child looks like me and I fight back the tears from falling down for I remember the child that I was and if only I could go back in time, I would look for the child that was me and would show her how much she is loved and taken care of by her Heavenly Father. That adults are trustworthy and majority of men are good. The pictures bring bittersweet emotions inside me. I was a happy child albeit the bad things I experienced.

Anyway, my train of thoughts seem to stop now. I will just read some stuff then later will take my rest. Another day was done and I am thankful to God for I am home now, feeling safe and sound. But a bit scary for I feel like I am getting fat again with the rate of my eating now. Hah! Food.

Better This Way

I went to the library again. I saw him and yes, we had our time talking with each other even for just a short time. I guess, it is just better if I will just treat him as my friend and brother for I found myself feeling more comfortable with that.

I guess, I should not run away anymore and treat him just like my friend. I will just be kind to him and treat him just like the others. My soul felt comfort with that. It is better that way.

I guess, I should really cease looking at men as my prospect boyfriend and husband. I should just look at them and treat them as people who need to be loved and to be treated nicely. I will just be kind without involving my feelings and emotions anymore. I just feel more comfortable if I will just condition my mind that they are just friends and brother material, no more, no less.

I am happy for this change in me. Though I should not be so complacent about it. For I might be deceived again by the enemy. I will just treat the men around me like my brothers and my friends and look at them the way God wants me to.


I will just cultivate my spirit. My lovely and beautiful spirit that God has given me. I will always remember how the Proverbs 31 woman acts. I will apply that into my life.

He will be my friend. Only that. No more, no less. It is better, just better this way.

Boundaries of Kindness

Lord,

I am still bothered by my severed relationship with a colleague. Lord, do I still need to make peace with her or not anymore?

Yet again, I guess we really have a peaceful co-existence only that our friendship has been severed. Lord, is it for the better? Probably. For when we were still close, I would just be exposed to inappropriate words and crude, green jokes that would just defile my heart and mind. I guess, it is better this way. Yet, You have taught us to be kind to our enemies. Kind but we don't really have to be friends with them, letting them enter our life and be in our inner circle. Lord, what do You have to say about this? What do I do with my relationship with her even if she is being so cold and indifferent to me?

"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap if we do not give up." -Galatians 6:9, ESV-

I will just do good even if I get negative response. Lord, help me to just handle rejection in a proper and godly way. Help me that in spite of possible rejections, still I will do good knowing that I do those things for You and Your glory. Help me to outgrow the feeling of rejection, help me not to define myself on how others act and respond towards me and only get my definition and meaning as a human being from You. Thank You Father. I don't really have to be friends with them but just at peace. Give me more wisdom for me to understand fully this concept of Yours and apply them in my life. Thank You Lord, Amen.

Boundaries of kindness. I guess, there is no really boundary for that as long as we have God. Only we have limits as to whom we should let inside our lives and our hearts to become our inner circle of friends. Even Jesus did not become friends with everyone when He was here but He was kind and good to everybody. He did not withhold His kindness and goodness; Only He was choosing carefully as to whom He could let inside His life during His time here. I guess, this should be my standpoint and the principle of my life.

Checking Him Out

I checked out that person again on Facebook and I saw that he was now more virtual as regards his relationship with that woman. Not that I still feel sorry for his lost, I guess it was one of the best things that happened to me only I just felt this insecurity again.

Why? Because I saw them. The girl somehow looked good but it's not that she looks better than I (vanity strikes again. Crap!). Only it was different seeing him that way. Maybe because I already really lost the attention that he once gave me but actually in hindsight, it did not really matter at all. I was only feeding my ego and my vanity at his cost. But I guess I was actually the one who paid the price and I am relatively okay now.

Then I saw the FB account of that another person. The smaller one. It was the same picture with him holding hands with a girl. And to think that he has been flirting with me. And to think that I was giving in and actually feeding my emotions about it. Good thing I have friends who keep on moving my head to the right directions. Indeed, most of the time the reason why I would feel bad about myself was because I would keep on desiring what I could not have. I would try to prove something until I proved nothing. Not that I really want them for myself and for them to become a part of my life, only I was feeding my own vanity. At their expense. But then I would eventually find out that the tab was actually on me.

I will just mind my own business and get busy with other things. One thing I have really learned today as I was completing my 60-day course in Setting Captives Free was to let go indeed of anything that hinders me from running the race of life. I got it from Hebrews 12:1. "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. Hebrews 12:1." (NLT)

They just bring me down. They would give me a momentary feeling of elation but afterwards, feelings of inadequacy and frustration. No. It's like I am paying something for the price of two. I am being shortchanged here. It is not going to be easy at all specially the second one since I see him on a daily basis but I can do something about it like not frequenting the library everyday, going there only if there's a need to , just staying in one place and just investing my time and effort on people who really show love, concern and care for me. I know it's not really going to be easy but I can do it by God's grace.

It is almost 7 o'clock in the morning. Time for me to exercise and do my other business around here.

A Prayer of Query

Dear Lord,

Lord, I am thinking right now. I am thinking about that girl who was raped and violently killed by those monsters. It was so hateful and so sad that even though I don't know her personally, I still feel this anger inside me for those good-for-nothing perpetrators and I feel sorry and pity for her family.

Lord, from what I heard and from what I have deduced, she was a christian. Or her family. Lord, probably her parents were also praying for her constantly for You to protect her. I don't know. There is also this idea inside my head that maybe the reason why she was so brave to go out on that wee hour of the morning was because she trusted You for Your protection. But then that violent and senseless thing happened to her that cost her her life.

Lord, I am sorry if I am thinking this way. I am sorry if I am having these ideas inside my head. I am also a girl. I have a sister too. Lord, I am just scared. I don't know. I cannot question You why did You allow such a thing happen. But I cannot help it. That incident has made me feel insecure. That I cannot trust You enough. I am sorry if I think and feel this way.

Lord, but this is not fair to You. It was the enemy's doing and yet You are the One being questioned. Lord, it has always been conventional wisdom not to go out that early yet she did. But still, was it the price that she had to pay for her moment of folly?

Lord, if she was a christian, she is in heaven now with You. Lord, I don't know what would become of her death to our society and to our justice system but still You are the One who knows everything. Lord, I will still trust in You and yes Lord, I will use more of the wisdom be it conventional or spiritual that You have given us. Lord, please pacify my heart and give it peace in this time of my confusion and queries. You know better than I. Better than we. Lord, I just pray for her family for You to comfort and love them specially during this time of their mourning.

The enemy is just trying to divert my attention again and make me feel insecure and question Your trustworthiness and faithfulness. It was of his doing, not Yours. You allowed it to happen for reasons only You know and could answer. Someday Lord, I pray for her family to be able to understand everything that happened. That they may still find meaning for her meaningless death.

Grateful For God's Unconditional Love

“In the distant future, when you are suffering all these things, you will finally return to the Lord your God and listen to what he tells you. For the Lord your God is a merciful God; He will not abandon you or destroy you or forget the solemn covenant he made with your ancestors." -Deuteronomy 4:30-31 NLT-

I am thinking right now and just simply thankful at the same time. I am thinking about how loving and forgiving God is. How patient He is and just faithful He is no matter what.

I am thinking about a relationship that I had with a friend and now we have become estranged. All because of a misunderstanding that was not entirely my fault. I believe it so and I am not being self-righteous and delusional about it. Though I must admit that I had my mistakes too but in everything whether be it positive or negative, it always takes two to tango. The misunderstanding led to discord and then to indifference and to just not caring about each other at all.

It is just so sad for on my part I was willing to make amends and make up with her. But it seems like on her part, she does not share my sentiments. It is just so saddening for according to another friend she seems to be the type of person who has her pride so sky high, who thinks that after everything that you have done to her, the good things, if you commit one mistake, then those good things would be meaningless. So sad that she thinks that way. I am sad that she thinks of me that way. Yet, I am thankful for the God that I know, the God that I serve, the God in my life is not like that. If I commit mistake and no matter how grave it is, He is still there, willing to forgive. But it is not and never a license to commit the same mistake over and over again. I am just grateful that God does not have that kind of thinking. That although He is the real and pure definition of perfection, He still forgives and understands humans so imperfect and flawed but not without admonishing us and disciplining us.

I am just sad yet somehow I have accepted already this state for I cannot force anyone to love and accept me. And somehow, that kind of person is not someone I really can call a friend. I am not perfect, I am a mistake-prone human being so I know that sooner or later I might again commit a mistake or two. I will just stick with friends who will accept me and understand me still in times of my weakness and of course to my God who loves and will still love me albeit my imperfections and shortcomings. For He transforms me everyday from glory to glory. I am just happy for these truths in my life and yes, just like what a gospel song says, "I'll live my life that says, You give me every song, with my every breath I'll make Your mercy known. With every soul on earth or all alone, I will love You..."
Lord,I pray that I will live a life like this for You. Thank You for Your forgiveness and for Your loving-kindness to me in every way.
Thank You Lord and I love You Father.

Philosophy About Children

I have been thinking about the topic that I should talk and give exhortation about for this project. I contemplated and even planned to read some books and articles for me to give my critique to but due to some focal and professional issues and constraints on my part, I made this last-minute decision on just coming up with my own philosophy in life and in education, a field of which I am currently involved and intend to be for as long as I live.

I am a teacher of younger children. When you say young they are those who are still in the bracket of early childhood. I have been with them for the past three years and to tell you honestly, those three years have not been so easy but very fulfilling. I have seen some facets of myself that if I had not been given the chance to work with them, would have not surfaced.

My previous jobs entailed me to work with adults and some children as well and they were fine. I did not have a hard time. But I was already exposed to younger children before for I had an experience mingling with some who happened to be my cousin's pupils in the public school and also I had my volunteer work in a our local Day Care center before. I found out during those times that I had my way with kids. Even to this day.

In my previous school, the first formal school that I worked for, I handled Grade 5 pupils and they were not really a handful lot. It was easy to interact with them let alone give them instructions. I could just leave them on their own and I would just facilitate the classroom. Though there were episodes of behavioral problems, still I was able to manage them. Yet, something would stir up inside me whenever I would see the younger lot, those who belonged to Preschool up to Grades 1 and 2. But I did not see myself teaching them. I thought it was difficult. But my coordinator back then kept on telling me that come the next school year, she would place me in the lower levels for I really showed my ways with little kids. I did not believe it at first for it was not what I really wanted to believe maybe because I was too scared to go out of my comfort zone. But God had His other plans. He placed me in the institution I am in right now, put me in the lower level, touched my heart to love what I am doing and the rest, they say is history.

So what am I trying to say right now? What philosophy I came up with? Of course, it is about something that is closest to my heart. A belief that could really touch my heart. My belief about children. My philosophy about children.

I believe that children have a mind of their own. That we cannot fool them. That they are thinking and analytical beings endowed by God with functioning brains. That we should not underestimate the power of the children's mind. That we should not sugarcoat truth with them. They already know the truth in fact before we knew it. That if we would only listen to them carefully, if we would only take the time to know their thoughts and their opinions, we would realize that they are sensible and sometimes more conscientious than us, adults.

I believe that children need to be listened to, need not be underestimated. Children have to be respected and to be given time to express more of themselves, to be given opportunity to see the other side of humanity.


My philosophy basically stands on the premise of respect and time to be given to little children. Respect in a way that their opinions are to be given value and let them speak their minds not really to their heart's content but with a certain degree of consideration for others. My philosophy is that we, adults should take the time to just simply let them know and feel that someone really listens, someone really cares for them. Children somehow should be treated as our equal in loving, respectful and considerate ways.

I am blessed that I am given this sublime calling to teach and be involved with the young ones of our generation. I am grateful that I am given the chance to listen and to know what is really going on in a child's world. I am overjoyed for I am able to see and help mold the future generation we will have. I have learned already from the adults around me. I am thankful for I am given chance by God to do things differently with those little children.

Decided...

I have made my decisions already. I have finally made up my mind on certain things. Just when I thought that life has already left me alone with what I have decided already, suddenly influx of choices, alternative circumstances and the lure of just leaving things as they are seem to be so attractive I am tempted to just give in. But then I have a vision. A clearer vision.

My life is full of should-have-beens but I have decided to just accept that I cannot undo what has been done. I may have made the wrong turns in the past, have been complacent but it does not have to be like this until now. I am decided. No matter how attractive, no matter how comfortable, no matter how alluring the alternatives are, still I have made up my mind. And I have decided to finally make up my mind and stick with it.

Of course, these decisions will have their repercussions. Relationships might be tarnished and worst comes to worst might be severed. Attachments might be broken and there's this possibility that I might lose everything that I have now. But that's the point of these decisions. Everything will start from zero. And when you say zero, it means zero, none, gone and alone. And I will have to start building, creating and accepting everything and everyone life will throw at me, again.

I am not scared? Of course I am. That's why I am writing this stuff. To bring out this fear that has started to bubble up inside me. I know, once I start to work and move forward those decisions, discomfort will be present, adjustments are to be made and yes, pain will be inevitable.

But I need to grow. I have this desire inside to just keep on growing, to keep on progressing and to keep on flourishing. Because that is the reason why I was created. To grow. From glory to glory.

I need to listen to my conscience now. It says that the decisions I have made are the better ones. Though it may not be that easy, the point is they will be for the good of not just me but others also. I just need to stick with them and really be strong enough to just stick with them.

I feel better now. Somehow. I will stop thinking about those decisions for a while. I will focus on what I have now and the things I am going to do. After this, I am going to wash my clothes, read and then do other chores later. Hah! Life. Just when you think you are okay already, there she comes perturbing your already made-up mind.

A Prayer...

Dear Lord,

I made a fool out of myself again. Now, I am feeling this self-condemnation and contempt I want to bang my head on the wall. I did things that were not pleasing to You, thought about things that terribly displeased and angered You. I am sorry. I am sorry for I turned to them and not to You. Because I was too ashamed to go to You. For I know that I made a fool out of myself again and somehow destroyed my testimony. I felt like a desperate girl wanting someone's attention. I immediately let my emotions overcome me without me really thinking about the consequences of my actions. I really feel so sorry Lord.

I feel like an insane girl, a starstruck high school girl who has been acting so immaturely. Good thing, I found out some things before everything would get out of hand. Thank You about the things I found out last night, I would finally stop and just simply stop making a fool out of myself again. Everyone makes mistakes but it does not mean that I have to live in them.

Lord, I am sorry. I am sorry if I did not call upon You, if I did things my way again. I have realized that I don't really have to be so overly spiritual and legalistic about things. You have given us common sense and wisdom from Your Word that all we need to do is listen to what our conscience tells us. In my case, I was already being "tugged" by the Holy Spirit via my conscience but I thought a little bit of this, a small amount of that would not hurt nor affect me. Hence my self-induced mild depression and severe self-contempt right now.

Lord, I am sorry. My soul is really grieving now and I really feel bad about these things. They were of my own doings and I thank You for You have been using people to bring me back to my senses. Thank You.

Lord, I know that You understand that I really have longings to be loved specially by a man. But I still have yet to learn to control and keep my emotions in check when someone interesting comes my way. I still have yet to learn and practice more discipline and self-control and just simply stick to my principles regarding relationships.

This "fiasco" is actually a blessing in disguise. For it propelled me to stop all my foolishness. I must let go of this self-condemnation and forget about that humiliating experience.I will forgive myself now. Anyway, the damage has not been that severe, they were just actually concoctions of my wild imagination. I will just move on, get on and be right on track again, with You.

Thank You for lifting me up again. I will just obey You so please help me to obey You. I cannot do it alone. Please give me more grace. Amen.

On Facebook and Moving On

Hah! Facebook.

Maybe I should have just listened to that voice inside me before when it was first introduced to me that I should not use it. That it would be just a nuisance if I did.

And now, looking back, I have realized how right that voice inside me was. For ever since I used that website, my life has changed since and was never the same again.

In Facebook, one can post everything so good and perfect in his or her life. It is as if the person is really living one, perfect, lovely life to the envy of the whole world. There, one can say things that could make others think he or she is a genius and that he or she is the one to be admired by everyone. I have been guilty of that crime also and it indeed gives me the creeps how I let the system of creating one's own fans' club there ate my sensibilities.

In Facebook, I met people who given a life sans one, I would not have met at all. People I should not have let inside my heart and my life. But then again, there was Facebook, we became "friends" and then after some complicated issues between us, we "unfriended" each other. And I ended up nursing and healing a broken heart.

In Facebook, I would just carelessly feed my insecurities. I would initially just nonchalantly browse through some friends's pages and then when I would see that they were actually living a seemingly "charmed" life so unlike mine, I would feel this sadness, emptiness and mild depression that would just turn out unfounded and highly unreasonable for me to feel in the first place.

Facebook is good. If one uses it in the right way. I also had my share of wonderful times in FB. People who gave me good comments, who complimented my notes and friends from long ago and far places that I was able to get in touch with again after many years.It has its benefits after all.

Maybe, I have been just into too much of something. In this case, my Facebook usage. Honestly, maybe the reason why I cannot fully moved on with what happened to me is because I still have this very little flicker of hope that that person is still checking on me. That the person who introduced us might give me some updates regarding him though I told her that we should stop talking about what happened already. Maybe, I have been too much into it that I already depended my social life in it, that I subtly substituted it with the real world. That I mistakenly believed that without it, then my life would be incomplete.

Foolishness, right? Yet, I must admit I subconsciously thought this way. Maybe, I should practice what the Bible says. To aim for the transforming and renewing of my mind. Facebook is good, but there's more to life than my overuse of it. Henry David Thoreau was indeed right when he said "as if we could kill time without injuring eternity."

I will try not to open my Facebook for how many days. I will open my Internet but for studying, writing and reading purposes only. I'll see if I would still feel this way. Feeling bad for nothing at all. It was all in my mind. A product of my own imagination given life by my excessive usage of Facebook.

I will try. Then maybe, this trying will become a routine, then a habit and then a practice. Until such a time that Facebook will no longer mean that much to me.

I will just focus on what is more important. On what is more beneficial. An important quiz will be given to us by our professor in Philosophy on Saturday so there's no use wasting time. It is always of the essence.

Goodbye for the mean time, Facebook world!

Realizations

I have realized many things today.

I have realized who really my friends are. Who really could accept me and understand me for who I am.

I am not perfect, I have issues also, I have my own struggles and sometimes I let the whole world know about it and worst, overdo it. It is me. It is really me. And sometimes, I don't have to change just to make others like me and please them.

I am just sad. About losing a friend. Yes, before I could confide in her but then there was judgment already. I didn't like that but then I found her sensible so I just let her "judge" me for who I seemed I was.

But she didn't know what's on my mind. No one really knows and I intend to keep it that way. If I have some issues, I just keep it to myself but it is actually not the right thing to do. Being honest is indeed important. And being open to correction is highly indispensable.

I hate it when I others throw judgment to others already when in fact, I am also guilty of the same crime most of the time. That part of me, I need God to help me deal it with.

I still need to be in tuned with my emotions, what ticks me off. I guess, I really should ask God to transform me and change the way I think, act and behave. And yes, I will carefully choose the people that I will let inside my inner circle even if it means being alone sometimes.

People just need to be accepted for who they are. Warts and all. It's good to know that I have a few who really do. I will not wait for others to love me and accept me. If they feel the other way around, then let them be. I will just be myself with some better and more positive modification.

From now on, if I don't have anything good to say about others even if it seemed true, I will just keep my mouth shut. I will just shut up. I will just keep quiet and do what is expected of me to do.

Relationships are important to me so I will try my best to choose and keep the best ones. Ones that will lift me up and edify me.

A Prayer to God

I am praying now.

I am worried about my future. I am worried about the health of my reproductive system. I am worried about the things to come. But this is so unreasonable. So ungodly and so unfaithful

Maybe I am just given a wake-up call to have my check-up once I have the resources to know the status of my health. i will invest in my health if I want to have a strong and healthy family in the future.

Lord, You said that You would give me a hope and a future (Jer.29:11). I am claiming this promise now and yes, Father I will take heed of Your warnings. Before it's really too late.

I will take care of myself and realign my priorities. I will give more resources and time to things that really matter much to me.

Deal With How I Feel

I still feel sad. Sad about what happened.

I found out yesterday that it was not really him who gave me that foul message but indeed his foul-mouthed girlfriend. She and our common friend had a verbal fight yesterday. That girl cussed at her and told her many things that were so below the belt and could not be written in print. Indeed, it was not him after all.

I am just sad because that woman according to our common friend is married already. In fact, she has children. Maybe she is separated and that man maybe he thought that that girl could give everything that he "needed" went into a relationship with her. And left me in sheer ambivalence.

Now, all my questions have been answered. I was the only one who felt committed to him after all.The only one who really felt serious about us. I am sad because a big part of what happened was my fault for there were red flags already when we met but I ignored them. So now, I am suffering the consequences of my decision.

Yet, I understand him. What happened was somehow a blessing in disguise for now, I have a clearer and more realistic point of view as regards a man's ego. How important it is that they should feel superior and powerful most of the time. With me, he never felt that way until such time that he fell out of love. Until he found another one that maybe was able to give him the kind of love and acceptance that he was not able to get from me.

I had regrets before and somehow I even hated myself about that. Kept on blaming myself. Yet, as the events unfolded, I have realized that I may have had my faults and flaws and am willing to change them but I don't really have to lower my standards just to make room for someone like him in my life. I am like this already. Yes, I can submit to a man but he has to respect me first, mind, body and soul. At first, I had his but it fell apart. Maybe because I did not give it to him too.

Looking back, I could have played things differently as the song goes. But there's no use feeling remorseful about it. Now, I understand him well, I got the answers that I needed so it's time for me let go and just focus on what I have today.

Next time, I will do better. I will act more sensitive and as much as possible I will take care of other people's sensibilities. I have learned many lessons from what happened. I have a different vision now, relationally speaking.

I am just sad because if my friends information were true, then he is right now into an adulterous relationship. According to my friend, that woman has a husband and children now. So if it were true, then they are committing something legally wrong. I am just sad because he ended up that way.

Add to that the foul-mouth and uneducated ways that person had dealt with us. I am just sorry for her. And I feel bad for my pseudo ex-boyfriend.

Anyway, I need to really let go now. There's no use going back there and thinking about any possibilities in the future. If it is included in God's plan that we meet and interact again, then it would happen. But I have a feeling that our first and last meeting is indeed the last.

I will just pray for him. Pray that he'll get to know the Lord and may someone suited to him love him and accept him for who he is. I will just want that someday, he will also have a good and peaceful life.

I am indeed closing that chapter of my life. I am just amazed that in a span of almost six months, many things happened and left me a changed person and maybe a better one.

I will miss him. There were in fact happier times, funny nights and lovely moments though not so many. But I will be thankful that he came into my life and made me realize many things about love, about people and about life.

Goodbye, dear. Though we will not see each other again, I will still pray that you'll be okay. And you'll be taken good care of. I will pray for your happiness even if it does not include me. I will always wish you well.

A Dose of my Own Medicine

I guess, I got a dose of my own medicine.

I could not blame him for becoming a monster and a such a demon to me. I could not blame him for losing his respect for me for I was the one who made him lose it. Indeed, we earn respect. I am just sorry things ended this way but I guess, it should actually really end this way.

He may have lied so many times just to get rid of me and had his finale last night when he said those hurtful and offensive words but somehow, I knew that it was my fault. He was a nice person when we met but now he has turned into a monster.

I got hurt because of the insults but maybe I just wanted him to do it so that I would have reasons to hate him. To get him out of my system and my memories.

He responded in the way that he knew how. Maybe because that was how he has been treated. A person with no self-respect cannot give it to others. But this led me to a question: Which should come first? Giving of respect to others so that they can give it back or the other way around?

I don't know. Maybe someday, things will become clearer between us. Maybe someday we can still find it in our hearts to forgive each other and let go of all the pain, bitterness and heartbreak we caused each other. Maybe, someday I will have the answers to my questions.

I am willing to forgive him already. I don't want to harbor any bad an ill feelings inside me. Maybe, this is just a dose of my own medicine. For everything that I have done.

I will not blame myself anymore. Past is past. My time with him will be just memories. I will just remember the happier days. There were in fact. But they will just vignets of those days gone by.

This time, I am sure now of letting go. Letting go of what I thought I actually had.

Losing that Grip on Faith

Right now, my spiritual life is so dry. Utterly dry.

I feel like I am losing grip with my faith. My emotions are out of control. I keep on thinking about that guy again and yes, I even sent him a message. I want him back in my life but I can't. And I should not.

When my two special guy friends gave me attention today, I felt I something was filled in me. I only want to be given attention to, to be loved and to be taken care of by someone.

Lord, I am only human. I have my needs too. I feel so crazy. I want to cry, shout and get out of my situation now. I feel desperate already. I have my needs too. I am tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of hoping. I am just tired. Really jaded.

I am tired. I am fed up with all the pressures people around me give me. I am tired of hearing love stories. I am tired of hoping that I would have my own family someday.I am tired. I am tired. So tired.

Lord, I feel bad now. I don't know. Help me see what I should see in this season. Help me feel loved and treated special by You. But I also need my ears, my physical ears to hear that someone loves me.

Lord, I want to cry. I want to shout. I have been like this for how many years already. I am sad. Really, I am.

Help, Lord. Help me.

This Could Be...

I remember him again.

A part of me still holds on to him but it is only my feelings. My emotions. I don't want this feeling to put me down again.

I still want to see him? For what? For another heartbreak? For another misery? No way. I cannot compromise anymore. I cannot take my faith and obedience to God for granted. He has other plans for me. I only need to be more faithful.

This feeling is just deceiving me. The enemy is attacking my emotions again. I am sad but I have to ward off this feeling. Really, I do.

My friends around me cannot define the way I live my life. No compromises anymore. This is just a deception. I am under attack so by God's grace and protection, I will just stay under His wings.

Hah! Again?!

I am just disappointed with myself for my "loud" reaction as regards the problem that I had with the accounting office in our school this morning. I was just freaking out because they made a mistake that almost cost me money and my reputation.

Yet, I have realized that the reason why I acted that way was because of my unfaithfulness again. I did not trust God enough that He would do something for me, He would show me a way under those circumstances.

It was a test. A test of faith but I feel like a failure. Yet, I have learned valuable lessons. Not take little things for granted, make a list of everything specially when it comes to money. And don't act like a war-freak specially under pressure. I was just so worried for if ever that money would be lost, I would be forced to pay quite a big amount to think that I don't have money anymore. Instead of just praying and asking for God's help, I freaked out like crazy, I almost shouted in the faculty room and it was so undignified.

I know that situation was really worrisome but I could have acted more maturely and with more finesse. And I should have reacted more with faith and trust in God who will never forsake me.

I just feel sorry. I have learned my lesson. I will just do the complete opposite of my reaction today and most importantly pray when I am again under that kind of situation.

But the experience taught me a lot. I need to organize and fix things in my life or else many things will just fall apart.

I will keep records, fix my things, unclutter and organize things. I will start with the small ones until they get big. I will ask God for help.

I am sorry Lord, if I acted harshly and impulsively today and did not trust in You enough. I am sorry for the bad words, for the almost violent reaction that I made tarnishing my christian testimony. Help me Lord to deal with my temper. Crazy and bothersome situations are not valid reasons for me to lose my cool and act negatively and shamelessly at that. Thank You for the lessons learned today. And forgive me Father for the cussings, the bad-mouthing, the rude actions. I am sorry Lord. Amen.

Me and My Proverbial "Big Mouth"

I have the gift of the gab. I have always loved talking and words are my tools to express my opinion and thoughts. Yet, sometimes this gift could be a "curse" to me if used wrongly.

I almost involved myself in a very sensitive issue that has something to do with people I call friends. Hah! It's as if these past few days, my definition of friendship is getting a big turn around. I have started to see who my real and true friends are. For that, I thank God so much.

Before, I almost put a friend in danger when I was forced to spill a very sensitive news. Now, again, I almost put a friend again in hot water because of my big mouth.

I will just keep my mouth shut. I will not mind other people's business anymore. I will just remain quiet. And very,very quiet. I will just mind my own business. And will just work and work and work.

I will just be quiet. That's all (^^,)

One Rainy Afternoon

I was walking outside hours ago when suddenly a memory struck me.

It was not painful anymore to remember but just sweet. Sweet without that another romantic term "bitter."

I just remembered one November afternoon almost four years ago when I had that lovely experience, caught in the middle of a heavy rain and strong winds combined. Caught with someone. Someone who used to be so special to me. Someone who used to mean everything to me.

I just remembered how we were like two foolish people who had no idea on how we could go home. We were only sharing such a pathetic-looking,small and broken umbrella owned by me. And together, we were stranded, stood for almost more than ten minutes under the small roof of a small store. You could just imagine how we huddled together yet not touching each other.


I just remembered that. And each time that I do, I just smile. I am not in pain anymore. It is not painful anymore. The memories are just sweet. And I do not have any reason to be so sad for not having him anymore.

I just wonder at times how he is doing now. Not that I still love him nor I have feelings for him. Since he was a special and somehow significant part of my life before, memories of him still pop into my mind at times. At times when I feel sadness. For I also have beautiful memories of him. Memories that somehow give me a tiny flicker of happiness leading to a big smile eventually. And I intend to just remember and keep them that way in my mind.

I have always loved rainy days. Even before that lovely afternoon happened. And I am in love with them even more. For I had that sweet moment. And that moment just made my rainy days even more beautiful, lovelier and worth remembering.

I am okay now. I hope he is okay wherever he is now. I have no lingering feelings for him anymore. I have already forgiven him. And I am just happy for him. I have my own life to live now. And somehow, I am happy in the path I am being led by my Heavenly Father.

I have always loved rainy days. For something good happens to me on one.

Emotions Overturning

I am feeling down today. Really I do.

There have been triggers again and I know this sadness will come to pass soon. All I need to do is deal with them with all honesty and bareness of my heart.

It all started when I started when I talked with my co-teacher last Wednesday and I felt though it was so subtle what was lacking in me. Then when I got sick again with sore eyes and the people I considered my friends treated me like I was a human anthrax and they made it obvious how they disgusted me. That was one of the triggers. I felt bad about it. Really I did. Then yesterday, I remembered that person again and how I created again my own ghost by being jealous with nothing at all. Then today, the last straw was pulled when my mother and I fought for just a very insignificant and trivial thing. I really feel unloved by the people around me and those I think I could turn to and run to just disappointed me. I am hurt. But you see, I cannot do anything about it. I just feel inadequate. Inadequate in many ways. I keep asking myself why is it that no man notices me? It is like everyone has been picked up already and I am the only one in the basket. Then my so-called friends just let me down and my family as well. I know I am not perfect but I am trying to be good. Really I do. But those people do not seem to see that goodness in me.

I am tired. I am tired of pleasing others, I am tired of making my parents specially my mother be pleased with me and proud of me. I feel so alone, left behind and wounded by the very people I love. Nothing ever feels so bad in the world but rejection. I feel like there's no one who will love me if I am not pretty, if I am not thin, if I am not smart. I am tired. I just want to be myself. To be my own self without the need to please and make others happy. I need someone to look after me too. I need someone to care for me too.

Lord, I know You are there. I feel so alone now. I just want to cry. I am crying now. You are the only One who can love me and understand me. I need You more than anything else, anyone else in my life. I am hurting so much because I feel so rejected by those people around me. You know my mother, how she shuts me out each time I would try to do something good to her. How she disregards everything that I give her. How she makes me feel unimportant. My friends as well. I could no longer call those people my friends. Not that I have not yet forgiven them it is just that I cannot see in them the real essence of friendship. Lord, I don't know whom to turn to now. Only You. Lord, console my heart. It is crying now. Lord, I do not want to feel inadequate now. I just want to be good to others and most specially to please You and live my life so that You will be happy.

Lord, what is my life without You? Specially these hours when I feel so lonely and alone. You're the only One I could turn to. The One I could run to. Help me to forgive them. Help me to love them regardless if they are unlovable. And help me to discern the right actions when dealing with them. I will just look into Your word. I will depend on You. You will pick me up and will touch my heart.

Lord, thank You so much. I will just go on. I will just get on and will continue doing good regardless of the bad things being thrown my way. Lord, I am beautiful and lovable because You made me lovely and You loved me first and has kept on loving me ever since.

Lord, help me to do good. And to just be good. I will bless others and will live my life according to Your plans. I will just wait on You. I will only look up to You and will hold on to You. Father, thanks a lot for picking me up. And for loving me this much. Thank You so much for this gift of words that I can write and can let out my feelings freely with this. Thank You so much. Thank You very much.

Guilt-Buttons and Deactivation

I am angry right now. Angry with my mother for once again, she did not take my side and I had to sacrifice again just for my younger sibling. When I insisted on my right, she got angry and she was obviously irritated. She was thinking of objects more than of me. Sometimes, I have this feeling that she does not love me that much. For she puts more value on objects when it comes to me.

My emotions flared up again. I raised my voice because I got so angry. Angry for I am not loved the way I wanted to be loved. She could not get my point and even cussed at me. She would always think I am wrong and never did anything right. I am so tired of pleasing her. I am tired and now I give up.

Lord, I am tired of her. Of her rantings, of her pushing my guilt buttons most of the time. I am fed of her attitude. Ever since, when my younger siblings would be involved, she would never take my side. Never. I am so sad and angry about that but I have to deal with this feeling or else I will explode again. This is not just my fault. Okay, I will change some bad attitudes in me like my easily exploding emotions, my loud mouth and other things. I know i have these bad things in me and for those times that I was guilty of those, I am sorry and would willingly undergo some penance and reformation just to change my negative attitudes. Help me to be more loving and understanding specially this time that I am being tested to hate my own parent. Lord, You alone can understand me. You know that ever since, I have this feeling inside me that I am inadequate because my own parents can't love me unconditionally. That's why everything comes out in every aspect of my life because of this sense of inadequacy. I know I am not for You made me complete, lovely and worthy to be loved. May I find that love in You but I am sure that I do. She decided to not go to church because of what happened but I am not letting my guilt feelings take the reigns in my heart. I am not letting this overcome me. I will still obey and will put You first. For it has always been You who loves me and always there for me.

I am preparing now. I will attend Victory Molino. I will go to church and will not follow my feelings. She is already an adult now. She knows the right thing to do so I am not to be influenced again by her negativity. Lord, help me to forgive her, them for not loving me that much. And may this experience of mine become something beautiful for that I can offer others. I am chosen to take this path for You know i can make it. I can do it. I can make it through though while passing, it hurts a lot. It gives me a lot of anger and bitterness but I will let them go. Help me to let go.

Thank You, Father. Amen.