Someday...

I am not going to hope for him anymore. No, this is not being pessimistic but I will just leave everything in God's hands.

For now, my business is to improve myself and become the best person to that one who God will give me.

This is my time of preparation. My time to be the best and just worthy person of his love, care and faithfulness. My time to weed out all the bad grass in me and let the good ones blossom.

I am letting go of him not because I lost hope already but because I have decided to leave everything in God's hands.

I am letting go of the worries, of the uneasiness I have been feeling. I will just let God work and move in my life and his as well.

But I will keep on praying for him. I will appeal to God for his safety, for his wellness and for his happiness. I will also pray that he will get to know God in a very special and intimate way, someday.

Deep inside my heart, I want to wait. But I guess this is not a wise thing for me to do. I don't know what God has in store for me. All I need to do is just continually and unceasingly wait for Him and for His revelations.

Everything happens for a reason. There is a reason behind our meeting. Maybe to let me see how immature and futile my thinking was specially when it comes to man-woman relationship. I am not a small girl now. Anytime soon, God might call me into my own family ministry. I will have to learn to submit and serve my husband and let him lead our family. I will have to make some sacrifice just to make sure that my husband and my children are well-taken care of. Even if it means I will give up my career. I am not looking forward to that but there's always that possibility.

I will also have to adjust to a new family. I will learn how to be more accepting and non-judgmental of others. Most of all, I will have to learn how to love even if the people specially the people closest to him are unlovable. Not just because it is the right thing to do but actually loving the people whom he loves. If I profess that I love him then I have to show that I also love the people that he loves without losing my identity and my self-esteem.

I don't know. Life is really like this. We don't know what it is going to throw at us next. Yet, I am rest assured that there is a God who knows everything and who knows exactly what He is doing. I don't know what's the next chapter and who will be the next characters but by His grace, whatever happens it will always work for my own good.

I am letting him go now. Though for just a short time, he has become precious to me. I will move on with my life and will just be the best. I will be like the Proverbs 31 woman, Ruth, Esther and Mary. For God and for my future husband.

After The Tempest

The tempest is almost over...Well, almost.

He left yesterday. He texted me informing he was already on board. I did not reply anymore. It was like surrendering everything to God already.

God. I think I have neglected my relationship with Him all because I was so lost and was so into that person. I was so ecstatic, I was in a haze that I lost my balance completely. This week I had been so harassed by none other than myself. I thought about a lot of things, I was so paranoid, I did not think objectively. It was like the rational and sensible Blessy in me just suddenly disappeared.

Maybe, I thought everything was magical. Everything was good. He was just too good. Well, almost.

I don't know. Yet, I am still thankful that I met him. For meeting him showed me many things about myself. All my immaturity, my insecurities showed. Now, I know what to change in me. By God's grace.

I will just be good. I will be the best person that I can be. Losing him will not stop me from doing what I have started. I will just go on. And wait on what God will do next.

I will be still and know He is God. I will not worry anymore. I will just improve myself, I will focus on my studies, my job and the people I have with me right now. If God has someone in store for me, or if He preparing that person to be worthy of me, His princess then so be it. I will just be good. No, the best.

Stop

Stop.

Stop. It is all in there. It is obvious. HE IS NOT INTERESTED WITH YOU ANYMORE.

It is the glaring truth, can't you just stop and simply stop hoping?

Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

Clearing of the Heart

"The truth is our circumstances do not make us what we are. They merely reveal what we are. " -Nancy Leigh de Moss-

I am thinking right now. Maybe, this happened for a reason.God allowed me to be in this place because He is teaching me something. He showed me the kind of heart that I had. I may be speaking about Him, seemingly living my life for Him but in reality, no. I think I had been so vain, so callous with my actions and yes, acted like a temptress with some of the men in my life. The Lord showed me this problem that I have.

Lord, help me change myself. Help me to become the woman of noble character, the woman in Proverbs 31 and not be so caught up with this world's system. Lord, I know that I acted quite loosely with him that I did not give him time to pursue me. I was an impatient, desperate girl seeking for a man to validate my vanity. Lord, thank You for showing me this negative side of me. Now, Father transform me. Help me become the opposite Lord.

Lord, may I serve all the men that I have in my life regardless of my relationship with them in a brotherly and godly way. That I may be able to serve them accordingly and next time I would meet someone, may I treat that guy like my friend or brother only, not a groom prospect.

Lord, I may have lost him but then his presence helped me see things on a clearer plane. Something must have been really wrong with the way I presented myself. Next time around, I will do better and I will know what to do.

Lord, may my season of singleness become a blessing not only to my family but to others as well. May I not be so badly affected by the pressures and everything that has something to do with my age and my biological clock. Lord, You are the Author of time and if You would give me children, even if I am 45 already, I will have.

Lord, this is a purifying stage for me. Thank You Lord. Amen.

Feeling the Jitters

I am going to meet him tonight.

I am nervous. Indeed, I am. But I can't help it. I will see him for the last time. I will see his face.

I am going to give him some of my books. Thank God, I was given those ideas. I am nervous. My goodness! No one is here to calm and soothe me. I cannot even concentrate on the work that I am supposed to be doing.

Lord, please calm my nerves. Lord, please. Please soothe my spirit. I am really nervous now. It is not as if we are going to do something bad, it is just that I think I find this dangerous and exciting. Risky and romantic. I feel like I am Juliet. Hehehehehe...

I wish he would arrive now. I am so nervous. M
Yet, I am not going to hope for anything. After tonight, then I will move on with my life. I will do what I am asked and supposed to do. But this is just so exciting. This is the first time I have ever felt this kind of jitters, this nervousness, this swinging and banging and exploding of my nerves. I want to shout. I want to laugh.

He is not yet here. I wish he were here now. I wish he were here. Anyway, even if they are already here, I will still go outside. I will still talk to him. I will still see him regardless of what they would say or think.

I will just amuse myself by listening to music and writing here. I will just enjoy the "torture" that I am presently feeling right now. I think my head and my breast will explode. My goodness!!!! (^^,)

Uncomfortable....

I am having this uncomfortable feeling.

Feeling of being rejected, tired and just plain...jaded.

I don't know. Yesterday he was okay but then I lost him again. It's as if I don't have any space in his life. Well, what can I expect we have just met and the little time that he has staying here has been used to anything but me.

While in my case, I have lost my equilibrium already. Yet, in reality the fault will just fall on me. I have been the assuming, thinking that things were going well between us.

I have realized that I cannot tolerate a person who has no time for me. Who does not even think about me at times.

I have low tolerance for this.

I am tired.

I wish he would just fly away and not say goodbye to me anymore.

I just want to be left alone, on my own and yes be found by the one who will give me value and time.

Since the day that we met, I have always wanted to see him and spend some time with him to get to know him but nothing happened. Nothing. I guess, all I need to do is to simply let go.

Just let go.

I am tired. I don't like the way I feel right now. Really, I don't.

Sleeping Jitters

I don't know why. I am having a hard time sleeping tonight. I don't know.

Is it because of the tea that I am drinking right now? Probably. I will stop drinking it tomorrow. I will not depend on it anymore when it comes to my diet.

Or is it possible that I am bothered by something or someone that I have just met?

I must admit that probably yes because since I met him I have been like this already. Disoriented, not focused and disturbed. Which is not good. Maybe I set my hopes too high, maybe I have expected too much for so little time. And I have acted maybe too much of myself also. I don't know. But that is me. My personality. I am not going to change just because of this certain guy or certain people's opinions. I don't even know them.

I even changed my number again,my goodness! Then, foolishly invited him in Facebook. Talk about being a certified "praning"! I don't know. Is this how I will act when that man that God will give me will eventually find me or will I become a different person?

I don't know. I am still feeling like I am already in the dead end. With no prospect guy in sight, ticking biological clock and the countless and unceasing pressure I have been getting from well-meaning friends and loved ones. I don't know. The guy, I am still interested to know but seeing his Facebook account and his seemingly lifestyle, I think there will be a big disparity again between our worlds and belief systems.

But who am I to say these things? I still don't know him that much. I don't know him at all. And I guess he probably lost his interest with me already. What with a guy like that, I think he does not need a girl like me. We are just I think...different.

I also want to love and be loved. But with and by the right person. Someone who will try to get into the depths of my soul and being. Someone who will see me as more than just a physical body. Someone who will see my heart, not just my externals.

But I have yet to meet him. God, by His unfathomable love and divine orchestrations, our paths will eventually meet. Our roads will cross in His own perfect timing. Maybe, right now, I am just being shown my mistakes. My shortcomings as a person. And God by His wonderful love wants to develop my heart to fit with that whoever that person may be. Maybe the reason I have been pushing men away in my life is because I could already sense that they are not the one. For even if I would push them to, they would still pull closer until I would eventually hold their hands. So far, in my twenty-seven years of existence, no man has ever done that to me yet. None so far.

No, this time I will not run away anymore. I will not be afraid to let anyone enter my life anymore the way that I used to. I will accept anyone and even if that guy does not end up as my romantic interest, then he could end up just my friend. Now I know the reason why it did not work out between Nick and I before. God spared me from such a devastating heartache and crushed self-esteem that his ex-girlfriend is experiencing right now. I am not saying that I am happy for what happened, I am just thankful that I am seeing the reasons now behind what happened two years ago.

Same as with the others. God indeed knows the way. I am thankful. So I guess, I will just be happily and faithfully contented with whatever state I am now. He has His plans and He has his ways. He has His own orchestrations in my life. I will just watch. Wait and see what is going to happen next. I was just fooled into thinking that I needed a man right now. Yes, I have the desire to be someone's wife and mother of his kid but there is indeed a time for that. All I need to do is just trust Him. And continuously trust Him.

There is nothing wrong with me. There is something wrong with this world's belief system. I am beautiful. I have a kind heart and loving spirit, a strong and determined soul. I am under God's endless care. I may not see right now, but behind everything that is happening is a great and big picture of my life.

A Lovely Heart

Let me tell you about this certain person. He has been bugging my head these days and actually "disturbing" my mind.

I must admit that I got a huge crush on him. As in define huge and that is how I feel for him. But he is just so unlike the "others" who went before. He is just so simply...different.

Different in a sense that he is not really my type. I think I am five to six years older than him or even more. If I met him early in my life, he would not even get my attention nor even become a prospect crush. He is not tall, not chinky-eyed, not really my type. For me he is only just a decent-looking guy who hangs around with decent-looking people.

But he caught me. How? For he caught my brother too. Not in the real sense of catching nor figuratively homosexual but caught as in he befriended my youngest brother amidst the huge crowd and to think my brother was relatively and practically new in that place. I have never met someone in my life personally who has that kind of sensitive and approachable nature except him. I was not smitten on the spot but as his and my brother's relationship progressed, (by the way, you might be confused now as to what kind of relationship do they have,let me clarify; he is my brother's leader in church) I have started to see his lovely and beautiful qualities no man within my sphere of acquaintances has ever shown. His is a kind nature, a friendly and considerate one without the benefits of popularity. He is of a quiet aura, not intimidating but actually soothing. He always has a smile ready to generously give to anyone who comes his way.

Who wouldn't love that kind of guy? That kind of person? In this world of pretense filled with egomaniacs and chauvinist pigs, his presence is an exceptional relief. His life is one good example of humility, of a true and loving spirit inspired by God, Himself.

My mother loves him. She does. I see how she perks up each time his name is being mentioned. And I got a big crush on him too. But we are age apart. And I think he does not mind that I exist. Yet he does not know that he is also one source of inspiration for me to become a better woman and a better person.

It is not everyday that you meet someone whom you could both respect and admire so much without being a superstar. But he is a star in his own right because of his lovely heart. And between Ben Affleck, Bae Yung Jun and him, I will still choose him even if the former two are so madly and crazy in love with me. Hehehehe...(^^,)

Educating Myself and Being Unsupported

I am having this bugging thought inside my head. I am just quite discouraged for while not stopping me nor preventing me from taking up my Master's degree, I am just sad that my father does not really value education that much. He is actually more into making more money and just simply getting loads of it.

My mother, thankfully she supports me in her own special ways but unfortunately, I cannot fully engage her in intellectual conversations that have something to do with anything I have learned from school or from a book. Not that she does not like it but maybe because she has other and more important concerns to think about than my cerebral rantings.

I have always loved reading and I thank my mom for introducing me to the world of words. She made me read books beyond my years during my early age. She taught me how to read and write and bought me lots of storybooks for me to devour each time I would have my free time. I remember spending lots of time in our school library just reading and reading and I would even go home late much to her chagrin just because I lost myself to a a world I could only find in books.

I was not really a diligent student. I would oftentimes skip class and would even be absent just to simply fool around and give sleeping more time. I was the typical lazy student, practically a "thorn" in my teachers' flesh. But I love reading. I really do. To compensate for the absences I incurred, I would just read at home or anywhere any printed material my eyes and hand laid on.

Now that I am older, I have realized already the value of studying. The beauty of and in it. I wish I were a better student in the past but of course I could never go back in time. Yet, I am happy that I am blessed and given the chance to pursue further studies for my intellectual and career advancement.

Which of course will go back to the support that my family gives me. They do not stop me but they do not specially my father value studying the way that I do now. He thinks that I should just stop going to the university and just apply for a working visa going abroad to of course work and earn huge amount of money. But it is not my priority. It is not even in my thoughts nowadays anymore. I still want to go abroad but not for the reason of earning money but to earn more knowledge.

I cannot insist on my dad my values anymore. He has his own set of beliefs and I have developed a set of mine over time. Maybe before, we had similar mindsets but time has transformed my heart and mind. It is taking a different path already. One that God has ordained me.

I feel better now. Now that I have already let out my feelings. I am just sad that my father thinks this way but it is okay. We are different. He is also from a different time and was raised differently just like me. And our differences paradoxically make us just the same.

Anyway, I will just eat my dinner, move around then read again later. Hehehehe...(^^,)

Certified Book Addict

I could not help it. I consciously chose books over buying a dress, over buying that blouse and those cute sneakers. I even forwent checking on some cosmetics to buy. When I went to the bookstore, I felt I was in a trance. I, without any second thoughts bought again books that I believe could help me as a person.

I am obsessed nowadays with books that have something to do with leadership. It all started when guess what? When I started to read Zig Ziglar's book "Better Than Good". He said somewhere along its pages that one should invest with what he or she was really passionate about. I have this feeling that I am passionate about kids, about leadership, about being a good person. One can see from my collections the things I am passionate about. I am also into writing so much, I am in love with words so it is just understandable that I have tons of books at home. And in our other house. Almost to a fault.

Now I feel guilty. Instead of just saving those money, I just buy those stuff. But the question is are they unnecessary? I am not sure for I believe sooner or later they will be of good use to me.

Funny but I would think and reconsider a lot when buying clothes, bags and shoes. I would look for the nearest cheapest price. But with books, regardless of the price, as long as I can afford it then I buy it. As long as it does not offend the other areas and needs of my life.

I am so in love with books. I am so into learning and accumulating knowledge. I think I am really becoming a geek as the days go by. But I love books. Simply as that. Sometimes, I find myself loving books more than boys. Most of the time, I find books more interesting and exciting than the opposite sex. Hehehehe...

Am I headed to spinsterhood because of my thinking? I hope not. Maybe my love for books is just a cover-up, like my own coping mechanism for until now I have not someone to love, as in from the opposite sex. Maybe, deep inside I think of books as boys. Or possibly vice-versa.

Anyway, I am just writing this stuff now for I don't want to lose these ideas swirling in my head right after I read a Reader's Digest. I will just rest myself from reading for a while but will be back later. Still, all I want to say is that I am so in love with books. Gosh! Talk about geeky moments.

If I would still have something to share again, most probably I will get back to you later.