One Rainy Afternoon

I was walking outside hours ago when suddenly a memory struck me.

It was not painful anymore to remember but just sweet. Sweet without that another romantic term "bitter."

I just remembered one November afternoon almost four years ago when I had that lovely experience, caught in the middle of a heavy rain and strong winds combined. Caught with someone. Someone who used to be so special to me. Someone who used to mean everything to me.

I just remembered how we were like two foolish people who had no idea on how we could go home. We were only sharing such a pathetic-looking,small and broken umbrella owned by me. And together, we were stranded, stood for almost more than ten minutes under the small roof of a small store. You could just imagine how we huddled together yet not touching each other.


I just remembered that. And each time that I do, I just smile. I am not in pain anymore. It is not painful anymore. The memories are just sweet. And I do not have any reason to be so sad for not having him anymore.

I just wonder at times how he is doing now. Not that I still love him nor I have feelings for him. Since he was a special and somehow significant part of my life before, memories of him still pop into my mind at times. At times when I feel sadness. For I also have beautiful memories of him. Memories that somehow give me a tiny flicker of happiness leading to a big smile eventually. And I intend to just remember and keep them that way in my mind.

I have always loved rainy days. Even before that lovely afternoon happened. And I am in love with them even more. For I had that sweet moment. And that moment just made my rainy days even more beautiful, lovelier and worth remembering.

I am okay now. I hope he is okay wherever he is now. I have no lingering feelings for him anymore. I have already forgiven him. And I am just happy for him. I have my own life to live now. And somehow, I am happy in the path I am being led by my Heavenly Father.

I have always loved rainy days. For something good happens to me on one.

Emotions Overturning

I am feeling down today. Really I do.

There have been triggers again and I know this sadness will come to pass soon. All I need to do is deal with them with all honesty and bareness of my heart.

It all started when I started when I talked with my co-teacher last Wednesday and I felt though it was so subtle what was lacking in me. Then when I got sick again with sore eyes and the people I considered my friends treated me like I was a human anthrax and they made it obvious how they disgusted me. That was one of the triggers. I felt bad about it. Really I did. Then yesterday, I remembered that person again and how I created again my own ghost by being jealous with nothing at all. Then today, the last straw was pulled when my mother and I fought for just a very insignificant and trivial thing. I really feel unloved by the people around me and those I think I could turn to and run to just disappointed me. I am hurt. But you see, I cannot do anything about it. I just feel inadequate. Inadequate in many ways. I keep asking myself why is it that no man notices me? It is like everyone has been picked up already and I am the only one in the basket. Then my so-called friends just let me down and my family as well. I know I am not perfect but I am trying to be good. Really I do. But those people do not seem to see that goodness in me.

I am tired. I am tired of pleasing others, I am tired of making my parents specially my mother be pleased with me and proud of me. I feel so alone, left behind and wounded by the very people I love. Nothing ever feels so bad in the world but rejection. I feel like there's no one who will love me if I am not pretty, if I am not thin, if I am not smart. I am tired. I just want to be myself. To be my own self without the need to please and make others happy. I need someone to look after me too. I need someone to care for me too.

Lord, I know You are there. I feel so alone now. I just want to cry. I am crying now. You are the only One who can love me and understand me. I need You more than anything else, anyone else in my life. I am hurting so much because I feel so rejected by those people around me. You know my mother, how she shuts me out each time I would try to do something good to her. How she disregards everything that I give her. How she makes me feel unimportant. My friends as well. I could no longer call those people my friends. Not that I have not yet forgiven them it is just that I cannot see in them the real essence of friendship. Lord, I don't know whom to turn to now. Only You. Lord, console my heart. It is crying now. Lord, I do not want to feel inadequate now. I just want to be good to others and most specially to please You and live my life so that You will be happy.

Lord, what is my life without You? Specially these hours when I feel so lonely and alone. You're the only One I could turn to. The One I could run to. Help me to forgive them. Help me to love them regardless if they are unlovable. And help me to discern the right actions when dealing with them. I will just look into Your word. I will depend on You. You will pick me up and will touch my heart.

Lord, thank You so much. I will just go on. I will just get on and will continue doing good regardless of the bad things being thrown my way. Lord, I am beautiful and lovable because You made me lovely and You loved me first and has kept on loving me ever since.

Lord, help me to do good. And to just be good. I will bless others and will live my life according to Your plans. I will just wait on You. I will only look up to You and will hold on to You. Father, thanks a lot for picking me up. And for loving me this much. Thank You so much for this gift of words that I can write and can let out my feelings freely with this. Thank You so much. Thank You very much.

Guilt-Buttons and Deactivation

I am angry right now. Angry with my mother for once again, she did not take my side and I had to sacrifice again just for my younger sibling. When I insisted on my right, she got angry and she was obviously irritated. She was thinking of objects more than of me. Sometimes, I have this feeling that she does not love me that much. For she puts more value on objects when it comes to me.

My emotions flared up again. I raised my voice because I got so angry. Angry for I am not loved the way I wanted to be loved. She could not get my point and even cussed at me. She would always think I am wrong and never did anything right. I am so tired of pleasing her. I am tired and now I give up.

Lord, I am tired of her. Of her rantings, of her pushing my guilt buttons most of the time. I am fed of her attitude. Ever since, when my younger siblings would be involved, she would never take my side. Never. I am so sad and angry about that but I have to deal with this feeling or else I will explode again. This is not just my fault. Okay, I will change some bad attitudes in me like my easily exploding emotions, my loud mouth and other things. I know i have these bad things in me and for those times that I was guilty of those, I am sorry and would willingly undergo some penance and reformation just to change my negative attitudes. Help me to be more loving and understanding specially this time that I am being tested to hate my own parent. Lord, You alone can understand me. You know that ever since, I have this feeling inside me that I am inadequate because my own parents can't love me unconditionally. That's why everything comes out in every aspect of my life because of this sense of inadequacy. I know I am not for You made me complete, lovely and worthy to be loved. May I find that love in You but I am sure that I do. She decided to not go to church because of what happened but I am not letting my guilt feelings take the reigns in my heart. I am not letting this overcome me. I will still obey and will put You first. For it has always been You who loves me and always there for me.

I am preparing now. I will attend Victory Molino. I will go to church and will not follow my feelings. She is already an adult now. She knows the right thing to do so I am not to be influenced again by her negativity. Lord, help me to forgive her, them for not loving me that much. And may this experience of mine become something beautiful for that I can offer others. I am chosen to take this path for You know i can make it. I can do it. I can make it through though while passing, it hurts a lot. It gives me a lot of anger and bitterness but I will let them go. Help me to let go.

Thank You, Father. Amen.

Unreasonably and Illogically Jealous

I checked on that person again. I really need to renew my mind or else I would be the cause of my own downfall. The scenario would be like the proverbial dog returning to and eating its vomit. Disgusting, right?

The problem with me is that each time my mind was not doing anything, I would revert to meditating on those thoughts that made it so dirty and so embarrassing to God. If someone could see and read my mind then that person would see things I could not put in print.

It was wrong. I know. To think of that person that way. He is also God's creation and he needs some respect. He may not have Jesus in his heart now but maybe, if I would keep on praying for him and would think of him as my brother then he'd be in God's house eventually. My dirty thoughts about him only showed how little I think of him, how he was nothing but a "plaything." And to think, I demanded respect from him. What kind of an attitude was that?

I must admit that I am really attracted to him. Yet, God said that if you look at a person with lust in your eyes, then it is already adultery. I am already guilty of it so many times already. No wonder, I cannot really move on and let him go because I still keep him in my mind in a bad way.

I want to surrender this attraction/lust that I have for him. I want to just respect and love that person in a godly way. He is also God's creation, made according to His image so I must and will respect him and treat him with dignity even if he was only a very ordinary person. He is not actually for he is unique and the mere fact that he is who he is makes him one.

I will surrender this to God. And I will ask Him to give me alternatives to think about specially when my mind is blank and tends to wander off somewhere. I don't want to offend anyone even in my mind. Everybody needs to be respected and treated with dignity no matter what kind of person we perceive them to be.

I was irrationally jealous of that girl he used to like. I was creating my own ghost and making my own misery. To think that those two actually don't care about my existence. The guy just wanted me out of his life and the girl does not even know that I exist. Crazy, right? And there I was, even cussing that he had feelings for that girl. Really insane.

I just want to hit myself on the head and shout out loud to my ears, "Hey! Are you really becoming an idiot?! Get real and wake up!"

I will just pray about this. Maybe this is because of the longing to be accepted and loved my a man. I have always wanted to be touched with love but no one's been giving me that.

Lord, I know You love me but then You know I have this longing inside me to be touched and loved by someone. I am sorry if I feel this inadequacy but I have to be honest to You that what I really feel is real and I cannot deny them. I am not justifying my wrong actions and thoughts but in my imagination, in my dream world, I am accepted, touched and loved. I am sorry Lord. Help me to deal with this feeling for I don't want to disobey You. Help me deal with this longing, Father. I really don't know what to do. Teach me and renew my mind so that my secret habit of dirty thinking will be gone and a new one will take place. One that comes from You.


This is my sincere prayer. I know that God heard me and listened to the cry of my heart. I believe He will make a breakthrough in my life. Soon.

Everything Starts in the Mind

Yes, everything does. And if I keep on thinking and meditating on the wrong things, I would not be surprised anymore if I would find myself drowning in my self-made giant sinkhole of misery and regret.

Let us start with my weight and my figure. I feel like there is a relapse and I am actually dreading it. I can avoid it from happening but because of these undisciplined nature, lazy attitude and complacent stance again, I feel like I am gaining weight once more and not losing anymore. I am scared to go back to my old, frustrating appearance but with the rate that I am going and with the attitude that I am showing as regards my diet and exercise, I would be there again and even worst. I don't want that to happen anymore. I will start my drastic reforms before things will get out of hand and I will be that same obese and flabby girl again. Very bad!

Next is my thought life. I have been thinking and contemplating again on things so intimate only husbands and wives should think about them. I cannot blame others but myself for I even stalled prayer time to the point of not praying at all just to feed my wild and immoral imagination. So the day today which was supposed to be productive did not turn out that way. Though, I was able to rest and cook again but I am not happy. Really I am not. So I binged again, took a huge amount of garbage food, wasted money and then forcing them out of my body for it could not handle too much of toxicities anymore. I did not feel well until I purged them down.

Something is really wrong. Pastor Lapiz was right when he said that the reason something was wrong was because something was not in its proper place and not done right. Something that was not supposed to be there was there and vice-versa. So you see, something is really wrong with me these days. And this is more spiritual than anything else.

By the way, I still found myself in "bondage" with the memory of that person again all because I was thinking the wrong way. Lusting after that guy was really my problem. I could not love him. No reason for me to. But for reasons I am actually aware of, I still find myself thinking of him sometimes and even wanting to go back to him. Really insane.

This is all about God. My relationship with Him. How I view Him. How I look up to Him. Something is really wrong with me. And that wrong is the product of my own wrong decisions, wrong thinking, wrong actions. Basically, it is all about my thinking. My wrong thinking. I think the reason why I had my sore eyes was because of a wrong decision again. It was not physical though it manifested there but more like a spiritual punishment from God.

When will I fully learn my lessons? When will I take God seriously? To be honest, maybe I am not taking Him seriously. That I think He is a good,loving and merciful God that I had no qualms doing the same mistake over and over again for I know He would just forgive me. What kind of an attitude is this? If this would be done to me by another human being, I would surely banish that person from my life. God feels the same though because of His loving and patient nature, banishment is not yet His option, not yet.

I do not know how to say sorry again,Lord for the mistakes that I keep on doing. Lord, I need to be honest. I cannot obey You easily. I cannot just follow You and do Your commands Your way. It is not easy. On my own, I cannot. Help me. Help me to surrender to You all the areas of my life and my thinking that need to be surrendered. Help me to obey in those areas that require my obedience. I cannot do it. I give up. I give up obeying You on my own accords and strength. Because I relapse. I keep on relapsing. Because I just depend on my own power and endurance. I cannot do it anymore, Lord. Give me Your two hands Father and help me obey You with all my heart, mind and soul.

Everything starts in the mind. I cannot control my mind on my own. I need God to help me steer its nerves to go to the right "course."

Help me Father. Help me yield to You completely. Help me in all areas of my life. Help me to obey You fully and wholeheartedly. Help me in my way of thinking.

Sad Realization

I don't know. I think I am still sad now but I am okay. Yes, I am but I just felt the need to let these "bothersome" feelings out of me or I will crashed again for nothing.

I have been experiencing irrational diseases these past few days and man! They have already affected my job so much. Yet, in spite of this, I have realized many things. All in a week's time. But this surpasses them all: God is always the One you can always depend on no matter what.

I am just sad for when I had my severe diarrhea, I did not feel much care from friends and family members. Even my mom was not that caring enough to make me feel I was cared for. You see, she has raised me to be so independent and self-sufficient that she would not mind me that much anymore specially when I am sick. I used to be so angry with that but I got so tired with it for it has always been one of the facts of my life since I started to have younger brothers and sister. My parents do not realized that I need to be cared for at times for to feel that way is one of man's needs, right?


Then my friends. Or so- called ones. At work. How I felt disgusted by them, how they shooed me away upon knowing that I have this contagious, sore eye disease. It was all jokes but half-meant. And then I call them my friends. So ironic, eh? It just made me so sad for if I were them, I wouldn't do the that thing. It made me feel like I was a leper, a human anthrax, a deadly virus. That was just so sad. To think, that this was only a sore eye what more if I was really carrying a deadlier, more contagious disease?

I am just sad. Really I am. But they are just humans. Self-preservation is the norm nowadays. Even my job. The workplace I am concerned about is not really as much concerned about me as I do to them. But what can I do? They are all just humans. I am also guilty of this. Maybe I am just given a dose of my own medicine and being shown what really matters and lasts more in this life.

I am not to expect anything from anyone anymore. This race in life is just my own. And God also. In all of these, the One Person who loves me and cares for me the most, is the One I neglect and disappoint most of the time. The One who gently teaches me lessons to learn and helps me when the going gets tough. This experience has made me really and fully realized that it is only Him who I can trust and depend on. Who loves me despite my condition. The love that I am longing for I would never get from any human being but only from Him.

I am okay now. Thank God. The virus is still evident in my eye and I still cannot go to school tomorrow for fear of contaminating others but I am okay now. I am feeling better now, thank God. I will not write any from now on's. I will just be myself, do good and expect less from others. I will just be okay.

I will not feel bad anymore. I will just continue loving those people in spite of their flaws. Anyway, that is what loving unconditionally is all about, right? And I will remember that I will do the loving not for them, but for God who gives me too much of His...

Insecurity Struck Again

I had plans to go to a museum today but the rain and my class hindered me from doing so. So I made another plan and went to SM Mall of Asia.

I saw many people there and somehow I felt that insecurity again specially while I was buying some stuff. I saw some girls there, how they looked good and how well-dressed they were. I felt a bit bad about myself for I was wearing something so rugged I looked so ordinary. Or did I? Because I just wanted to be comfortable specially I had my itineraries for the day that would require me to walk and just continually walk.

I am crazy,eh? I felt so insecure that I began comparing myself to them. Then I felt that spirit of vanity striking me again. Another is that I felt a bit bad for I could not afford to buy stuff that I like. I had to live and follow my budget though I was already very tempted to buy things I thought I needed. Good thing I did not for I would just waste my money on those things that I could actually delay buying.

That's one bad thing about going and unwinding in malls. One becomes unreasonably discontented, vain and insecure. One would have this tendency to look around and would see people then would start comparing herself to them.

I only bought what I needed thank God. I bought a pair of shoes and another shade of lipstick for my other shade was broken. Next time, I will just buy my cosmetics from Bench.

Hah! I was bitten by that "consumerism bug." I thought I was sad because I could not have all those that my eyes saw, those I thought I needed when in fact I was able to get home safe and sound and ironically feeling light and not so tired even though I walked for a long time. I am here now typing on my netbook and sharing with you how I felt while I was inside. I should just have gone to the museum but then it rained and there was no time already so I should just have visited the park. I will just do that Saturday after the next.

Anyway, I am okay now. I will feel good about myself now. I felt low again and it was not good. I will change my thinking about myself and regardless what I wear in the midst of seemingly "rich" and "doing fine" people, I will walk with confident strides and raise my head high.

Fierce Independence and Arrogance

I am quite disappointed with myself now. I feel guilty for thinking about my new co-teacher in a not-so-good manner specially with the way she handles her class.

I was just irritated this afternoon when she did not understand my instruction.It was a case of sheer miscommunication and it was my fault for I did not make it clear to her. I was just vexed for I think as a teacher and a thinking adult, she should have just sent the kids to their classroom for common sense's sake. But then it was so arrogant and haughty of me to think that way.

I must remember that I also had my own share of stupidities before when I was just starting. That if it were not for the people who willingly and patiently helped me, I would not be here to where I am now. Maybe I am just so fiercely independent that I have this crazy tendency to think that people around me should think and act the way that I do. But I am wired differently. Not that I am better than them, only I am wired differently and that is my gift.

I will just guide her and help her. Anyway, she is actually under my auspices so she is still my responsibility.I will be just a good example to those under me. I will motivate them and guide them on things that I know that they still don't know. I will refrain from being a primadonna and just be a good Samaritan always.

I will always remember where I came from, where I started. I will remember that I was helped so I will help also. God wants me to be that way. And never expect people to think the way that I do. Sometimes, like children, we adults need to be given crystal-clear instructions and direction for us to know what we're going to do.